Saturday, May 28, 2016

Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump square off!

Since Donald Trump has gone back on his previous offer to debate Bernie Sanders for charity and has disappointed millions in the process, I thought I'd provide a short glimpse of what we would likely see if the event were to take place.

Moderator Jon Stewart: "Welcome to the first and last ever debate between presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump and likely Democratic runner-up Bernie Sanders."

Bernie Sanders: "Thank you very much, Jon."

Donald Trump: "Unbelievable"

Stewart: "What's unbelievable?"

Trump: "You know, this, things, stuff"

Stewart: "Yeah, sure. Anyway, The Donald, since you will be in the upcoming general election, I'll start with you. You've said time and time again you're going to build a wall along our Mexican border and make Mexico pay for it. Mexico's said they're not going to do that. So just how do you plan on doing that?"

Trump: "We're gonna build a wall and make Mexico pay for it."

Stewart: "Right, but how?"

Trump: "We're just gonna do it."

Stewart: "How are you going to do it?'

Trump: "We just are."

Stewart: "Are you intentionally trying to shorten your answer to each question I have on this subject?"

Trump: "We"

Stewart: "Oh, forget it..."

Sanders: "Can I butt in here for a moment, Jon?"

Stewart: "Sure, whatever"

Sanders: "I think what Donald just said shows the stark contrast between us. The man wants to waste our money by building a wall which won't do us any good, and I want to spend our money on improving our healthcare and education systems. I..."

Trump: "There goes crazy Bernie again. Look, I said Mexico was going to pay for it, didn't I?"

Sanders: "Yeah, but how?"

Trump: "I just will"

Sanders: "You've said that, but how will you do it?"

Trump: "I guarantee it."

Stewart: "Okay, enough of this. Let's move on to the next question. Senator Sanders, you've proposed that we provide free college tuition and universal healthcare. How are we going to pay for that?"

Sanders: "With money"

Stewart: "Okay, specifically, how are we going to pay for that?"

Sanders: "With a lot of money"

Stewart: "No, I mean..."

Sanders: "I'm just joking with you Jon. Ha ha ha. Get it? Look, if we close the tax loopholes for the top 2%, increase their taxes to rates not seen since the Reagan years, and make minor cuts in our overwhelming defense spending, we can do it. We spend more on defense than the next seven countries combined, Jon. That'd be like me neglecting my kids' health and education by adding unnecessary shields, walls, and force fields around our house."

Stewart: "Sir Trumpty Dumpty, would you care to respond?"

Trump: "Yeah, what he said, it was stupid."

Sanders: "How, how was it stupid?"

Trump: "Because it could never work. Banning Muslims, that could work. Building a wall along Mexico and making them pay for it, that could work. Banging Ivanka if she wasn't my daughter, that could definitely work. But the stuff you're talking about? Not gonna happen."

Sanders: "Ivanka?"

Trump: "Yeah, have you seen her? Totally hot, right? Do you have any hot daughters, Bernie?"

Stewart: "This is starting to get very awkward and uncomfortable. Seguing from that, Donald, your polling numbers are horrible among women. Why do you suppose that is and what can you do to improve those numbers?"

Trump: "Women love me, they like really really love me."

Stewart: "That's not what polls suggest, though..."

Trump: "Those are just numbers. I'm talkin' 'bout actual people. I've been married three times, Jon, not once, not twice, but three times, so right there, three real women loved me at one time or another."

Stewart: "Okay, that's three women. There are approximately 157 million women in this country, so I'm sorry to say, but 3 out of 157 million isn't very good."

Trump: "Women love me, Jon, they really do. One broad came up to me at a rally just yesterday and said she loved me. Those were exact words, 'I love you, orange man.'"

Stewart: "Again, that's 1 out of 157 million, Donald..."

Trump: "No, 4"

Stewart: "Congratulations. So how will you improve your numbers with women?"

Trump: "Women are people, not numbers, Jon. You should treat and respect them for the b*tches they are, not as numbers."

Stewart: "Jesus..."

Sanders: "Can I say something, Jon?"

Stewart: "Go for it..."

Sanders: "Trump over here has been married three times, been unfaithful to at least two of his wives, has basically said he wants to fornicate with his own daughter, has been with more women than Rick Perry can count on an exceptional day, and regularly treats women like trophies with IQs lower than 65 or whatever."

Trump: "At least I can get young, fine, beautiful pieces of ass, Bernie!"

Sanders: "I rest my case, Jon."

Stewart: "Why'd I agree to this again? Okay, Bernie, this next question is for you. You've had some heated words for Secretary of State Clinton during the Democratic Primary. Are your differences with her so drastic you feel your supporters should stay at home on election day, or even vote for Trump?"

Sanders: "Secretary Clinton and I may disagree on a lot of things, from healthcare reform to free college education to how we do our hair in the morning, but the one thing all my supporters and I should like about her - her name doesn't rhyme with 'Ronald Dump'!"

Trump: "Hey, at least my name doesn't rhyme with 'Testicle Face'."

Sanders: "Mine doesn't either"

Trump: "Yeah, sure it doesn't, testicle face!"

Sanders: "Bernie Sanders does not rhyme with testicle face."

Trump: "Yeah, it does."

Sanders: "No, it doesn't."

Trump: "Yeah, it does."

Stewart: "Knock it off! The both of you! Mr. Trump, is there anything you'd like to say in response to what Senator Sanders said about Secretary of State Clinton?"

Trump: "Yeah, sure. I don't want to sound sexist, because I'm not, but crooked Hillary is like most women - annoying and stupid. Who can stand that stupid face and those words that come out of that stupid face? I'm getting a headache just thinking about it..."

Stewart: "...and you still have trouble believing you're polling poorly with women?"

Trump: "Women love me. Every woman loves me."

Stewart: "For my final question, I'm going to ask the both of you, what change do you most want to see made in the coming four years? We'll start with Senator Sanders..."

Sanders: "Universal healthcare, free college education, less war, better roads and bridges..."

Stewart: "I said one thing..."

Sanders: "Okay, so the first one I said."

Stewart: "...and how about you, Donald?"

Trump: "A little bit of this, a little bit of that, and some of the other"

Stewart: "What?"

Sanders: "What?"

Stewart: "What?"

Trump: "What do you mean, what?"

Stewart: "Specifically, what change do you most want to see made in the coming four years?"

Trump: "I already told you, a little bit of this, a little bit of that, and some of the other."

Stewart: "Alright, sure, let's end with that. Thank you to both Mr. Trump and Senator Sanders for this debate. I, for one, sincerely hope this was the first and last such debate. As a matter of fact, Donald, the change I most want to see in the coming four years is you not debating. Take care and best of luck to the both of you."

Sanders: "Thank you, Jon, and the same to you."

Trump: "Go f**k yourself, Stewart."

Louie Gohmert proposes nun-space-colony bill

In an attempt to prove that homosexuals are worthless components to a functioning society, Texas Representative Louie Gohmert proposed what he termed "The Nun Space Colony" bill earlier this week, elaborating on the matter by saying this on the House floor:

"You know that Matt Damon movie, The Bourne Martian Identity Theory? That was possibly based on a future true story. So what if that future true story becomes, you know, true? Are we gonna send a bunch of the gays to a space colony to save mankind? If that happened, we'd all go extinct, am I right or am I right? So, what I'm going to do today, so we never get ourselves in that kind of situation, is propose a bill which will prevent the gays from trying to save mankind because they can't save mankind. With this bill, if that Good Martian Hunting movie comes to life, what we're going to do is send 40 nuns to a space colony to save everyone. Sure, these nuns may not be able to reproduce or whatever, but unlike the gays, God will be on their side, so we'll have nothing to worry about. Come on, people! Vote for my 'Nun Space Colony' bill, so that, in case of that Martian Supremacy movie becoming a reality, we wind up with Saving Private Martian and not Martian Under Fire!"

In response, Matt Damon has started the send-Louie-Gohmert-to-space petition, which has already received 250 million signatures in its first 24 hours. Yes, his wife Kathy and their three daughters Sarah, Katy, and Caroline are among the 250 million.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

My 5/26 guest appearance on "The Tracy Fort Show"

For readers that are interested, you can check out my guest appearance from today's Tracy Fort Show at this link:


I had some fun with the trending hashtag #4OutOf5DoctorsSay" on Twitter yesterday. Here are my posts, ordered from the most to the least popular (all my tweets can be viewed here -

1) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay, to improve one's mental health, it's best to turn off Fox News.
119 Likes, 34 Retweets

2) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay the most effective cure for insomnia is listening to Ben Carson speak.
70 Likes, 20 Retweets

3) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay the world's deadliest virus is Trumpola.
26 Likes, 9 Retweets

4) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay taking Cialis doesn't typically result in a couple winding up outside in bathtubs.
25 Likes, 6 Retweets

5) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay, when they were kids, they wanted to grow up to be professional Operation players.
20 Likes, 6 Retweets

6) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay "Airplane's" Dr. Rumack is who inspired them to become doctors.
16 Likes, 3 Retweets

7) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay they don't know how to spell their names, which explains their illegible signatures.
16 Likes, 1 Retweet

8) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay 20% of doctors are idiots.
11 Likes, 4 Retweets

9) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay guns are more dangerous than Obamacare.
11 Likes, 2 Retweets

9) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay all the marijuana they consume is "medical."
12 Likes, 1 Retweet

11) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay the best way to beat shyness is by doing a couple shots of whiskey and then going streaking.
11 Likes, 1 Retweet

12) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay they flip a coin when asked, "Who's a more qualified doctor, Dr. Oz or Ozzy Osbourne?"
8 Likes, 3 Retweets

12) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay it's their life goal to help everyone cross "waiting an hour at the doctor's office" off their bucket lists.
9 Likes, 2 Retweets

14) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay their worst nightmare is hearing the two words, "Dr. Trump."
9 Likes, 1 Retweet

15) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay, despite what Donald Trump wants to believe, there's no link between small hands and large penises.
5 Likes, 4 Retweets

15) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay they knew they wanted to become doctors as soon as Ben Carson fell asleep during their surgery.
9 Likes, 0 Retweets

17) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay they were yugely disappointed with their experiences at Trump University.
7 Likes, 1 Retweet

18) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay their pick-up line at bars is, "Trust me; I'm a doctor."
6 Likes, 1 Retweet

19) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay they speak gibberish 69% of the time all of the time.
3 Likes, 2 Retweets

19) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay they were home-schooled throughout college.
5 Likes, 0 Retweets

21) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay, under hobbies/interests in their eHarmony profiles, they enjoy "long walks on the beach in scrubs."
2 Likes, 1 Retweet

21) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay running with scissors is okay; it's hurdling with scissors that causes all the problems.
3 Likes, 0 Retweets

21) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay "my husband/wife had me at 'amygdala.'"
3 Likes, 0 Retweets

24) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay to their patients, "I bet you my doctor is better than yours."
1 Like, 1 Retweet

25) #4OutOf5DoctorsSay the BMI formula was originally concocted by Cheech and Chong.
1 Like, 0 Retweets

Totals: 408 Likes, 103 Retweets (Averages of 16.3 Likes, 4.1 Retweets)

I will be on "The Tracy Fort Show" today!

I just thought I'd let all my readers know I'll be a guest on The Tracy Fort Show from 3:30 to 5:30 pm today. To listen to the live broadcast, click on this link:

Whether or not you listen to the live airing of the show, I'll be sure to post links so you can do so in the future. I hope we put on an interesting, thought-provoking, and entertaining show. Enjoy!

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

A Donald Trump parody: "You're So Vague"

You talked at a party like you talked in your sleep
The dead squirrel on your head standing straight up
You dropped a pair of apricots
Both eyes in the mirror mumbling about yuge things
And all the girls dreamed that they could shut you up
They could shut you up, and...

You're so vague, you might or might not think this one thing is about someone
You're so vague, I'm not sure whether or not you think this one thing is about someone
Do you? Don't you?

You married a couple women many years ago when they were naive
You said they were young beautiful pieces of ass
And that you might or might not leave
But you found someone prettier and younger so you set them free
You had dreams, they were something or another,
Something or another, and...

You're so vague, you might or might not think this one thing is about someone
You're so vague, I'm not sure whether or not you think this one thing is about someone
Do you? Don't you?

You had dreams, they were something or another,
Something or another, and...

You're so vague, you might or might not think this one thing is about someone
You're so vague, I'm not sure whether or not you think this one thing is about someone
Do you? Don't you?

Well I heard your plans on healthcare, taxes, and our fine military
Then you contradicted yourself time and time again
Frustrating and confounding everyone
"Good," "great," "yuge," what the hell does that all mean?
So when you open your mouth
I plug my ears and reach for the whiskey
Reach for the whiskey, and...

You're so vague, you might or might not think this one thing is about someone
You're so vague, I'm not sure whether or not you think this one thing is about someone
Don't you? Do you? Don't you?

You're so vague, you might or might not think this one thing is about someone
You're so vague, I'm not sure whether or not you think this one thing is about someone
Do you? Don't you?

"You're so vague. You may or may not think this one thing is about someone."

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's when a person is consistently vague. Sure, we all have our moments. Perhaps we're hungover, sleep deprived, have a headache, etc., and our thoughts and words just aren't coming to us as quickly as they typically do. That's fine. But when someone appears to communicate like they're hungover 24/7, that's when they drive me to reach for some Aleve. This may be a major reason why I can't stand presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump. The man always sounds hungover, and worse yet, he's completely sober. Now, given my sometimes dirty mind (that's putting it lightly), perhaps I'm more prone to this than others, but whenever someone is so vague even The Donald would be impressed, I tend to take these vague statements in a perverse manner. Here are just a few examples of what I'm talking about:

Trump: "'Two Corinthians 3-17, that's the whole ball game... Is that the one? Is that the one you like? I think that's the one you like."

Translation: "What was that position in the Cum Laude Sutra book we read about? Two Corinthians 3-17? Was that it? Was that the one you liked? I think that was the one you liked. Yeah, let's do that one again."

Trump: "Trust me, we're gonna do stuff, lots of stuff, very very good and bad stuff."

Translation: "Let's reenact every scene from the movie Lord of the G-Strings."

Trump: "Not only is it big; it's bigly - so bigly, it's yuge, okay?!?"

Translation: "It's like what this tiny elf dude, Giant Petey, told me one time: 'Tiny hands, tremendously yuge tallywacker.' True story. True story."

Trump: "We either do it or we don't, so I choose to do it, and do it very very well, I guarantee it."

Translation: "Inside, outside, up, down, forwards, backwards, diagonally, around, it's like those Who guys sang, we're 'Talkin' 'bout my fornication,' or whatever that word was. Formation? Function? Fusion? Menstruation?"

Trump: "It's going to be something terrific, fantastic, tremendous, and unbelievable, believe me."

Translation: "Just like I know words and have the best words, I know dicks and have the best dick; that I can promise you."

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Apparently Glenn Beck needs a lesson...

To start his radio program yesterday, the man trying to make tinfoil sexy again, Glenn Beck, said this:

"Transgender bathrooms have come out of nowhere and are being jammed down our throat. I guarantee you, I guarantee you the next stop on this train is pedophilia. They will normalize pedophilia."

The slippery slope is a commonly used fallacy right-wing media personalities and politicians have resorted to over the years, especially when it comes to the LGBT community. When the debate was over gay marriage, these individuals would say, "If we legalize gay marriage, what next? Are we going to legalize polygamy? Bestiality? Pedophilia?" Now, I could potentially see polygamy being legalized, because like with marriages between heterosexual and homosexual couples, the relationship is between consenting adults. That isn't the case with regard to bestiality and pedophilia, however, which makes the comparison ludicrous. Similarly, Glenn Beck's slippery slope, as is often the case, misses the mark. According to him, it may have started with "normalizing" marriage between consenting adults of the same gender. Now we're attempting to "normalize" using public restrooms of the gender with which we identify. Then somehow he leaps from this to "normalizing" sexual feelings towards children. It's times like these I really have to wonder how Glenn Beck and his ilk ever passed a 5th-grade English class. They treat the words "transgender," "transvestite," and "pedophile" as synonymous when that's anything but the case. Allow me to explain the differences...

Transgender: "Noting or relating to a person whose gender identity does not correspond to that person's biological sex assigned at birth."

Transvestite: "A person, especially a male, who assumes the dress and manner usually associated with the opposite sex."

Pedophile: "An adult who is sexually attracted to young children."

On the surface, none of these individuals have harmed anyone. However, if we were to look at them following through with the before-mentioned definitions, the only one who does any harm is the pedophile. Of what harm does a man do to another when he dresses up like a woman? Of what harm does a person do when he or she identifies with the opposite gender from that which they were born? Pedophiles, like alcoholics or those with anger-management issues, should seek help and be provided counseling and medication to prevent them from potentially harming anyone. But that's not the case with transgenders or transvestites. While they may be judged by some as being "strange," "confused," or "different," they're not harming anyone, and shouldn't be treated like those who do. Perhaps Glenn Beck should focus his attention less on transgendered women going to the women's bathroom and more on the Dennis Hastert's of the world using any public restroom.


I had a field day with the trending Twitter hashtag #NewTrumpTvShows yesterday. Here are my posts, ordered from the most to the least popular (all my tweets can be seen here -

1) Orange Is the New White Supremacist
158 Likes, 88 Retweets

2) Married With Children He'd Date If They Weren't His Children
95 Likes, 43 Retweets

3) How I Cheated On Your Mother
66 Likes, 27 Retweets

4) Are You Smarter Than an Oompa Loompa With the Mind of a 5th Grader?
27 Likes, 14 Retweets

5) Donald J. Trump: American Horror Story
26 Likes, 11 Retweets

6) The Fresh Dunce of Bel-Air
17 Likes, 10 Retweets

7) Everybody Loathes Donald
18 Likes, 6 Retweets

8) The Oh Really?!? Factor
18 Likes, 5 Retweets

9) The Good Immigrant Wives
15 Likes, 7 Retweets

10) Little Hands in the Prairie
15 Likes, 6 Retweets

10) Stupid-ish
18 Likes, 3 Retweets

12) The Crazy Bunch
8 Likes, 10 Retweets

13) Arrest in Development
11 Likes, 3 Retweets

14) The Yugest Loser
8 Likes, 5 Retweets

14) Suck Dynasty
11 Likes, 2 Retweets

16) Mad Man
8 Likes, 4 Retweets

16) Family Lies
9 Likes, 3 Retweets

16) The Talking Brain-Dead
9 Likes, 3 Retweets

19) MythTellers
6 Likes, 5 Retweets

19) The Kook of Hazzard
9 Likes, 2 Retweets

19) Fresh Off the Crazy Train
11 Likes, 0 Retweets

22) Friday Night Spite
6 Likes, 4 Retweets

22) The Blunder Years
7 Likes, 3 Retweets

22) Saved By the Dumbbells
10 Likes, 0 Retweets

25) Looniest Tunes
8 Likes, 1 Retweet

26) America's Creepiest Home Videos
6 Likes, 2 Retweets

26) Breaking Bigly Bad
7 Likes, 1 Retweet

26) Where in the World Is San Diego? Seriously, Where Is It?
7 Likes, 1 Retweet

26) The Bozo Show (no changes needed)
7 Likes, 1 Retweet

26) The Big Douche Theory
8 Likes, 0 Retweets

31) Get Smart or Get Drumpf
5 Likes, 2 Retweets

31) It's Not Always Sunny in Philadelphia Because, With Climate Change, It Gets Dark At Night
6 Likes, 1 Retweet

31) CSI: Wherever
7 Likes, 0 Retweets

34) Man Behaving Badly, Like Really Really Bad
5 Likes, 1 Retweet

34) Drumpfy the Country Slayer
5 Likes, 1 Retweet

34) Heavily Revised Sober History
5 Likes, 1 Retweet

34) Half a Man
6 Likes, 0 Retweets

38) Make Days Happy Again
5 Likes, 0 Retweets

38) Home Diminishment
5 Likes, 0 Retweets

40) House of Lards
3 Likes, 1 Retweet

40) Last Orangeman Standing
3 Likes, 1 Retweet

40) Reno 7-Eleven!
3 Likes, 1 Retweet

40) Modern Insanity
4 Likes, 0 Retweets

44) Flawed & Disordered
3 Likes, 0 Retweets

44) Marks of Exasperation
3 Likes, 0 Retweets

46) $1 Million Loan Survivor
1 Like, 1 Retweet

46) His Own American Idol
2 Likes, 0 Retweets

48) The King of Memes
0 Likes, 0 Retweets

Totals: 700 Likes, 280 Retweets (Averages of 14.6 Likes, 5.8 Retweets)

Info on my Facebook business, Twitter, and Tumblr pages

Here's the URL to my Facebook business page. I update it fairly regularly, but still haven't put forth a great deal of effort yet in researching matters and attempting to make the most out of it. In any case, it can be perused here:

Up next is my Twitter page. I'm still not 100% certain what I'm doing on there yet, but feel I'm gradually getting the hang of it and am up to 37,899 followers. I update it daily with many of my own tweets, but also by retweeting some others'. It can be found here:

Lastly, here's my Tumblr page, which I've neglected quite a bit recently, but if you're at all curious, you can find it at the following link:

Weekly update of my book information

For new readers (and regular ones, I suppose), here's some information pertaining to my books.

All twelve of my books can be purchased in paperback form at the following site (and others):

The ten books I've written and released in the past 4 years (yes, I've been on a roll) can be purchased for much cheaper in Kindle form at the following link:

Monday, May 23, 2016

Donald Trump - A Walking Contradiction

It's becoming increasingly more difficult to know where Donald Trump stands on an issue. He'll often times respond to such questions by going the vague route ("We might have to do something about that, somehow, someway, well, maybe"), the repetitious route ("That's a good question about whether or not we should ban hookers named Chastity in Las Vegas"), or the change-of-subject route ("Interesting... So did you see my latest poll numbers? Yuge, like massively yuge, yugely yuge even!"). At the end of these (non-)rants, listeners are quite possibly less cognizant about where Trump stands on the matter than before he started speaking. Not only that, but Trump hasn't been coy about flip-flopping from one day to the next, or even contradicting himself in a single interview. The most recent example of this came on Sunday, when Trump said, "I'm not advocating guns in classrooms, but remember in some cases - a lot of people made this case - teachers should have guns, trained teachers should have guns in classrooms."

Let's think about this for a moment here. Trump in essence said he doesn't think guns should be allowed in classrooms yet teachers should be allowed to have guns. Where do teachers often reside in schools? Oh, that's right - the classrooms. So in other words, Trump is saying, "Guns shouldn't be in classrooms, but at the same time, they should, you know?" No, it doesn't make any sense, and sadly, that's more the trend than an aberration as far as presumptive Republican nominee Donald J. Trump is concerned. Given his ridiculously stupid and contradictory statement, expect him to utter the following lines at some point before election day:

- "I'm not advocating marijuana, but smoke it if you got it, you know?"

- "I'm not advocating violence at my rallies, but beat the crap out of that guy over there please!"

- "I'm not advocating war, just bombing lots and lots of people."

- "I'm not advocating birth-control, except in cases when women don't wanna get pregnant."

- "I'm not advocating dishonesty, but climate-change is a hoax, Obama wasn't born in this country, and Shaquille O'Neal's hands are like Mini-Me's compared to mine."

Friday, May 20, 2016

The GOP's job interview with Donald Trump

Setting: Republican National Committee (RNC) Chairman Reince Priebus' office

Reince Priebus: "Hello Donald, and welcome."

Donald Trump: "It's good to be here, like really really good."

Priebus: "Okay, well, let's not beat around the bush here. Why do you think you should be leader of the Republican Party?"

Trump: "What do you mean?"

Priebus: "What makes you the best, most qualified person to lead our party? Do you have any experience in politics?"

Trump: "None, absolutely none, nada, zero, zilch, infinity"

Priebus: "What was that last one?"

Trump: "Infinity, you know, zero"

Priebus: "What made you who you are today? What made you successful?"

Trump: "Well, I have to first give credit to my mom and dad. If my dad didn't stick his yuge penis into my mom's wherever, I wouldn't be here today. Then, I mean, I don't want to give the guy too much credit, but like everyone else's dad, mine gave me a very teeny-tiny $1 million loan, which helped at first, but not in the end, you know? ...and then, like yeah, I did things, said things, smelled things, tasted things, felt things, and things just kind of happened after that and stuff."

Priebus: "Now that we got that out of the way, can you answer my first question?"

Trump: "Look, I have the world's biggest, best, I don't think I already said best, memory, so it's figuratively impossible I forgot a question you didn't ask."

Priebus: "Whatever... The question was and still is, 'Why do you think you should be leader of the Republican Party? What makes you the best, most qualified person to lead our party?'"

Trump: "I just told you. I get things done. I do things, smell things, fondle things, pay guys to do illegal things, and things get done when I do them."

Priebus: "What specifically will you do to help represent our party and improve this country?"

Trump: "Let's not get into specifics. I swam the Specific Ocean one time, and one of those jamfishes almost stung me. Not good, not good at all, Reese."

Priebus: "It's Reince."

Trump: "That's what I said, Rich."

Priebus: "It's Rei... Nevermind. Okay, I'll ask you specifics then. What do you plan on doing about the immigration problem in this country?"

Trump: "Anyone named Juan and Jose will be put in jail for life because they're murderers, rapists, and jaywalkers, all of 'em!"

Priebus: "What will you do to protect this country from terrorism?"

Trump: "Those Museum guys are very, very scary, so I'd bar them from entering this country for all 6 years of my 1st term as president. I don't like non-God people much either, so I'd ban them for maybe 4 years. Hindonts and Boobists just seem weird to me, so they'd be barred for a couple years. Then those Apricots, you know, the ones who don't know what in the hell they believe? I'd just send them to some island somewhere and tell them to figure out a way to get back."

Priebus: "You've kind of gone back-and-forth on the abortion issue. What would you do with regard to that if you became president?"

Trump: "I've been with a lot, and I mean a lot of women, Richard. I mean, like, tremendous amounts of women, before my marriages, after my marriages, and even during my marriages. I've been married three times and I can't tell you how many holes I've stuck Little Drumpfy into. Oh, and don't let the nickname fool you; Little Drumpfy is frickin' ginormous, Rip, frickin' massive, believe me."

Priebus: "Once again, it's Reince, and you didn't answer my question. What will you do about abortion if you become this party's leader and representative in the Oval Office?"

Trump: "A little bit of this, a little bit of that, not so much of that other thing, and nothing at all of that one deal."

Priebus: "What about taxes? What do you plan on doing there?"

Trump: "Taxes will go up, down, forwards, backwards, diagonally, around, they'll do the hokey pokey and turn themselves around; that's what it's all about, Rinse."

Priebus: "Where do you stand on guns?"

Trump: "If you breathe, you should be able to have a gun. You and me, fetuses, trees, cocker spaniels named Taco Bell, or whoever."

Priebus: "Do you believe in climate-change?"

Trump: "Sure I do. It's warm around the 4th of July, cold around Christmas, gets dark at night, light in the morning, so I mean, yeah, of course climate changes. It's like people. Babies come out of ladies' wherevers, are really small, they grow, start talking, growing, before they get older and start shrinking and turning orange. It's just the natural way of life, Rico."

Priebus: "Okay, one final question. What's your favorite book in the Bible?"

Trump: "That's easy - Genitalians."

Priebus: "Okay, so let me go over my notes here. You don't have any experience in the field, mooched from your father to prompt your success, have been married three times, have been unfaithful to your wives, don't seem to know the meaning of the word specific, and thoroughly enjoy the book of Genitalians in the Bible; is that correct?"

Trump: "Yes, 100%"

Priebus: "Well, I've got two words for you, Donald - you're hired!"

The Glove steals some of Steph Curry's thunder

Throughout Golden State's record-breaking season this year, former NBA players have continually attempted to minimize the team's accomplishments. Scottie Pippen suggested his Chicago Bulls teams of the past would sweep the Warriors in a best-of-7 series. Charles Barkley has refused to jump on the Warriors bandwagon, even after the team won the title a year ago. Now it's Hall-of-Famer Gary Payton's turn, as he recently said the following about 2-time MVP Stephen Curry:

"Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Wilt Chamberlain, Bill Russell and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar were also worthy of the distinction (unanimous MVP vote) that the Curry vote was about era. I think all of those guys were unanimous decisions, too. It just happened in an era that went his way. I commend him and what he's accomplished. But you gotta think about who was voting for MJ, Kareem, in their time, why they wouldn't have given all their votes to those guys. ... If you look at LeBron, what he does for his team, he does everything. I still think he's the best all-around basketball player. As we say, Stephen Curry was the best player this year, but I'm saying all around -- who gives you assists, who gives you rebounding, who gives you points, who does a lot of things for his team to have it? If you take LeBron off that team, I don't think Cleveland is a good team like that. If you take Curry off of it, uh, right now I don't know. They probably would win games. They wouldn't have won 73, but they would win a lot of basketball games. ... We forgot Wilt Chamberlain averaged 50 points and 30 rebounds. You didn't think he was a unanimous decision? Who else ever did that and scored 100 points in one game? And he didn't even win it [in 1962]. That's what I'm trying to say. You look at Michael Jordan. When they set the record at 72-10 in 1996, he didn't get all the votes. So you're trying to tell me these reporters or whoever's voting that you and them guys back then, they didn't know that he was a unanimous decision? Don't blame that on Stephen Curry. Blame that on them reporters."

While I know it's incredibly common, I often have a problem with comparing the impossible in sports. Of what point is there in make-believing two teams, 20 years removed from one another, could play a best-of-7 series, and hypothesizing who would win such a series? Why can't we simply appreciate greatness when it comes and not try to immediately minimize it through meaningless comparisons and hypotheticals which will never come to fruition? Michael Jordan's Chicago Bulls were great in their day and Stephen Curry's Golden State Warriors are great in today's game. NBA basketball has changed quite significantly over the past 20 years, so it's incredibly difficult to accurately conclude how the '90s Bulls would fare in today's game or how today's Warriors would have fared in the '90s. With regard to the comparison between Steph Curry and LeBron James, while they're arguably the two best in the NBA, they're also two completely different players, and surrounded by different teams. It's highly debatable which player plays a larger role in their team's success, but I don't think it can be debated that Steph Curry had the best season of anyone this year. The guy averaged: 30.1 points per game, 5.4 rebounds, 6.7 assists, and 2.1 steals, as he shot: 50.4% from the floor, 45.4% from 3-point range, and 90.8% from the free throw line. Oh, and he made a record-shattering 402 3-pointers this season. LeBron James, meanwhile, averaged: 25.3 points per game, 7.4 rebounds, 6.8 assists, and 1.4 blocks, as he shot: 52.0% from the field, 30.9% from 3-point range (87 made 3s), and 73.1% from the charity stripe. While the playoffs have yet to conclude, Curry led his team to an NBA-record 73-9 regular season. So let's cut it out with the minimization of Golden State's, and with that, Stephen Curry's accomplishments. They won the title last year, broke the NBA record for regular season wins this year, and are one of four teams remaining in the playoffs. Gary Payton's right; Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Wilt Chamberlain, Bill Russell, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar were all incredible players, but so is Steph Curry, and it does us absolutely no good to constantly try to bring forth hypothetically impossible comparisons and match-ups, failing to fully witness and appreciate the greatness before us in the process. Once the Golden State Warriors' run comes to a halt and/or Steph Curry calls it a career, we can look back and try to more accurately rank them in a historical context, but for the time being, let's place that to the side and try to just enjoy the moment. If we spend too much time thinking about the past and/or future, we may not be able to fully appreciate the present.


I may have had poor timing when I started posting tweets for the trending hashtag #HighSchoolTaughtMe, but regardless, I thought I'd share them anyway. Here they are, ordered from the most to the least popular (all my tweets can be seen at this link -

1) #HighSchoolTaughtMe bullies should never be elected president, especially when their last name rhymes with "dump."
24 Likes, 8 Retweets

2) #HighSchoolTaughtMe the key to life is being accepted by squeaky-voiced "athletes" you may only know for 4 years of your life.
9 Likes, 1 Retweet

2) #HighSchoolTaughtMe it's always socially acceptable to say, "I'm unemployed and I live with my parents." ( …)
9 Likes, 1 Retweet

4) #HighSchoolTaughtMe there's no nap like a Study Hall nap.
8 Likes, 0 Retweets

5) #HighSchoolTaughtMe lunch breaks just aren't the same without recess.
4 Likes, 3 Retweets

6) #HighSchoolTaughtMe spelling bee champions get all the girls, chicks, damsels, mademoiselles, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
6 Likes, 0 Retweets

6) #HighSchoolTaughtMe the three guarantees in life are: 1) Death, 2) Taxes, and 3) VHS tapes at Blockbuster Video.
6 Likes, 0 Retweets

6) #HighSchoolTaughtMe Shakespeare didn't ask, "To be or not to be;" he asked, "To pass a note or not to pass a note?"
6 Likes, 0 Retweets

9) #HighSchoolTaughtMe the day's never complete without a game of dodgeball between meetings.
3 Likes, 2 Retweets

9) #HighSchoolTaughtMe when there's something strange in the neighborhood, I'm gonna call my mom from a payphone.
4 Likes, 1 Retweet

9) #HighSchoolTaughtMe the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about, along with "Saved By the Bell" and CliffsNotes.
5 Likes, 0 Retweets

9) #HighSchoolTaughtMe you learn something every day, well, only the days you stay awake during Mrs. Ben Stein's morning Biology class.
5 Likes, 0 Retweets

13) #HighSchoolTaughtMe fart jokes are like Elvis Presley. They'll never die.
3 Likes, 1 Retweet

13) #HighSchoolTaughtMe saying "like" every other word like makes you like really cool and like hot and stuff.
3 Likes, 1 Retweet

13) #HighSchoolTaughtMe you know things have gotten serious when you're holding hands with somebody at a roller skating rink.
4 Likes, 0 Retweets

16) #HighSchoolTaughtMe nothing drives the ladies crazier than when you say, "Mmmbop, ba duba dop." (Hanson video)
3 Likes, 0 Retweets

17) #HighSchoolTaughtMe it's perfectly acceptable for others to take credit for your hard work.
2 Likes, 0 Retweets

17) #HighSchoolTaughtMe love at first sight often ends a day or two later.
2 Likes, 0 Retweets

19) #HighSchoolTaughtMe you don't know what you have with a girlfriend until you break up and find a new one the following day.
1 Like, 0 Retweets

19) #HighSchoolTaughtMe if you're feeling uncertain about something, anything, just ask the cheerleading squad to give you a cheer.
1 Like, 0 Retweets

19) #HighSchoolTaughtMe inconsistent and squeaky voices can be sexy.
1 Like, 0 Retweets

19) #HighSchoolTaughtMe rumors never die because they're always true.
1 Like, 0 Retweets

Totals: 110 Likes, 18 Retweets (Averages of 5.0 Likes, 0.8 Retweets)

Thursday, May 19, 2016

GOP: "To improve your health, we must destroy your health."

Just yesterday Senate Republicans rejected a bill to grant emergency funds to combat the Zika virus because they want to cut Obamacare funding in the process. No, I'm not kidding. Here's how Washington Democratic Senator Patty Murray and Texas Republican Senator John Cornyn discussed the matter:

Murray: "There is no reason to keep it attached to the bill we're on and allow House Republicans to slow-walk it. And there's no reason that this funding can't be approved and signed into law next week, in time for summer and the peak of mosquito season."

Cornyn: "Would the senator modify her request to include my language... which has the exact same funding levels... but includes a pay-for using the prevention fund in the Affordable Care Act?"

That's right, ladies and gentlemen - according to Senate Republicans, in order to help prevent health problems courtesy of the Zika virus, we must increase health problems by cutting Obamacare funding. Due to this kind of rationale, expect Senate Republicans to propose the following ideas in the future:

- "In order to get better grades, we should give kids more time to study, but also take away their textbooks."

- "Preventing teenage pregnancy is simple in two easy steps: 1) Provide comprehensive sex education, especially with regard to contraception, and 2) Make contraception illegal."

- "If we're going to get serious about decreasing gun violence, we're going to have to pass stricter gun laws, but also make it legal for Walmart greeters to hand out free guns to their patrons."

- "It's like my daddy always said, 'To make someone rich, you've got to give that person some money, and have someone else take it away. Science."

- "In order for this country to be free, we need to abide by the First Amendment of the Constitution, as well as ban Muslims from coming here."

Megyn Kelly and Donald Trump transform into Gandhi and Chong

Did anyone see that Megyn Kelly-Donald Trump interview? You know, the first such interview since Trump insulted Kelly in any and every such way, from harshly criticizing her journalistic integrity to her level of intellect, to her monthly cycle, and beyond? Yeah, that played out like Mayweather vs. Pacquiao part deux - a great deal of hype and yuuuge disappointment in the end. The two transformed from Tyson and Holyfield to Mahatma Gandhi and Tommy Chong. Here's how it came across to me...

Megyn Kelly: "You've received a lot of criticism for some of your comments over the past several months. Is there anything you've said or tweeted that you now regret?"

Donald Trump: "Yeah, sure, I regret things, but you have to move on, you know? I mean, I don't want to get into specifics or reflect on these regrets, because what's the point of admitting guilt and learning from it in order to be a better person if all you want is to be a better person?"

Kelly: "No specifics? None at all? What about your racist comments geared toward Mexicans, Arabs, and 'the' blacks? Or your xenophobic commentary about the Muslim community? Or how about all your sexist comments about women, myself included?"

Trump: "Those were all retweets, which aren't as bad as tweets, just like if I were to tell you right now, 'Megyn, you're a big, big, big dummy b*tch,' that would be far worse than me saying, 'Megyn, a buddy of mine said this and I happen to agree with him, but he's the original source. Anyway, Megyn, you're a big, big, big dummy b*tch.' See what I mean? That's not nearly as bad."

Kelly: "What about when you called me a 'bimbo'?"

Trump: "I did that? Seriously? Like, for real?"

Kelly: "Many, many times..."

Trump: "Oh, well, excuse me..."

Kelly: "Whew, I'm glad to get that out of the way. So, onto more pressing matters. What are your thoughts on the NBA playoffs?"

Trump: "Excellent question, Megyn. Excellent, excellent question. You know, honestly, I haven't had a lot of time to watch the basketball, but I think the team that puts the ball in the tall ring thing the most will end up winning."

Kelly: "Agreed. What kind of music are you listening to nowadays?"

Trump: "Whichever musicians that will let me play their songs at my rallies. So, who do we got? Ted Nugent, and, hmm, that might be it."

Kelly: "Besides becoming the next president, what's left on your bucket list?"

Trump: "Whoa, as my good friend Sarah Palin would say, that's a 'gotcha question,' Megyn."

Kelly: "It is? You do know what a bucket list is, right?"

Trump: "Of course I do. I know buckets. I have plenty of buckets at home, the best, biggest of buckets."

Kelly: "We'll come back to that question. So, be honest with me here, Donald, what's that one movie which gets you to tear up every time?"

Trump: "Honestly? Honestly, I've never cried. Even when my kids were born, I was unphased, just sitting down and reading Two Corinthians. But if there's one movie which makes me feel something, anything, it's probably Invasion U.S.A. That Chuck Norris, man, that dude sure can act!"

Kelly: "Okay, and for my final question, do you like me now?"

Trump: "Of course I like you, Megyn. I've always liked you. I was just concerned before, but you must have taken care of those cuts I saw, because I don't see blood coming out of your wherevers anymore. But yes, Megyn, as that Sally Fields person once said, 'I like you; I really like you.'"

Kelly: "Aww...  That's so sweet. Any final words before we go?"

Trump: "Trump 2016! Bros before hos!"