Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 41: "The No-Social-Distancing-Rally-Briefings," is now available!
Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"
Episode 41: The No-Social-Distancing-Rally-Briefings
Premiere Date: 4/3/20
Length: 11:20 (1,503 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/the-no-social-distancing-rally-briefings/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 41, entitled, “The No-Social-Distancing-Rally-Briefings.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
It seems as soon as Donald Trump was advised not to hold rallies, he decided to hold press rallies, disguised as Coronavirus briefings. He’s now been giving daily “briefings” for as long as I can remember, which is a couple days anymore. Wait, what day is it?
It’s kind of funny. Sarah Huckabee-Sanders was Trump’s Press Secretary through the months and months the White House held no press briefings. Now that she’s gone, likely auditioning for the role of Sloth in a Goonies remake, and Trump can’t hold rallies, he’s essentially become his own Press Secretary.
Have you watched one of these things? Trump mumbles some numbers he likely pulled out of a Top Hat he nicknamed Honest Pinocchio, before he takes questions from the press, and tends to lash out at one member per briefing. He’ll contradict his own doctors; treat facts like trash; go the red-herring route; tell a bad joke; and try to create as rosy of a picture as he can. Here, let me demonstrate. This is how these now infamous briefings come across to me.
“Good afternoon. It’s afternoon, right? It’s some time between the before afternoon and after afternoon parts of the day? Afternoon, though, does that even make sense? I mean, there’s noon, and it’s just noon. Does that mean it’s not afternoon? Is noon not in the afternoon? Why isn’t there a beforenoon? Why is it just afternoon? I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. Anyway, first thing’s first. As I’m sure you all wanted to know, I’m now ranked first on MySpace. I don’t even know what that is, but thought it was pretty cool. I wonder if it has anything to do with my Space Force. Maybe I should combine the two and call it MySpace Force. Just a thought, just a thought.
Okay, so an update on the Jiiinesevirus. It’s still from Jiiina. That will never change, folks. It’ll never change. Think about it. It’s like that gnome statue. If it starts in, say, Nambia, travels all over. Narnia, Xenu, Iowa. Do-dee-do-do-dee-do. Wherever it ends up and no matter how many people’s lives are impacted by it, it’ll still be from Nambia. Same thing here. No matter how many people get sick and die from the virus, and no matter how little we prepared to combat it, since it started in Jiiina, it’s the Jiiinesevirus, and is 245% Jiiina’s fault, bigly.
I’ve got some numbers for you. Even though we can fully blame Jiiina, the media, democrats, the impeachment trial, local and state governments, and O.J. Simpson, we still try to do what’s right here, and like help people and shit. So, yeah, we’re doing unbelievable things, incredible things. Here, let me read these exact numbers so the hoax fact-checkers don’t come after me. Just this week, we’ve supplied states and hospitals with the following: 500,000 New England Patriots helmets; 19,242 shoulder pads; 33,997 shin guards; 1,222,568 cleated shoes; 420 mouth-guards; and 2 eye-black strip thingies. Isn’t that just fantastic? Nobody, nobody in the history of this great country, in the history of this world, has ever provided hospitals with as many football helmets and cleated shoes as we have. The face-masks, with giant holes in them, will block out the Coronavirus, no problem. The shoulder pads and shin guards will help prevent the virus from infecting your arms or legs, because that’s where we’re most at danger when it comes to pneumonia – shoulder and shin pain. I’ll never forget the time my left leg had a 103 degree fever and my right shoulder was coughing like crazy. Bad days. Bad days, people. It’s easier to kick the virus away with cleats than normal shoes. Heels can work too, I hear from some people. I’m not sure what the mouth-guards are for, but they’ll save millions and millions of lives. Then the eye-black strip things? They can help you hide away from the virus, as you camouflage in with your surroundings. It makes you feel like a true soldier at war with an invisible enemy. Unfortunately, I can’t wear these eye-strips because of bone-spurs. Everyone else, though? All two of you? Have at it!
To sum up, people are getting sick and dying; we’re running out of stuff; we have no idea when this is going to end; and yeah. Things are going great, like really, really great. Any questions? Yes, the funny-looking guy over here.”
“Thank you, Mr. President. A little over a month ago, you said there were just 15 cases of COVID-19 in the United States and we’d be down to 0 in a couple of days, with no fatalities. We’re now well north of 200,000 cases and 5,000 fatalities. Are you willing to admit you were wrong?”
“I wasn’t wrong. Who says I was wrong?”
“The facts.”
“That’s nasty to say. We don’t use the f-word around here – facts. That wasn’t even me who said that. Fake quote.”
“I have the video right here.”
“That sounds like me, but it’s not.”
“Looks like you too.”
“Maybe he does. What’s your point?”
“He is you.”
“That’s a gotcha answer. Okay, next question. The fat guy over here.”
“Thank you, Mr. President. Do you now regret cutting loose the Obama pandemic response team?”
“Never happened. Obama never had such a deal; I don’t even know what pandemons are; response isn’t in my vocabulary; and the only team I need is me, because you can’t spell team without I.”
“Actually, there is no I in team.”
“There is where I come from. Next question. The crazy bitch up front.”
“Excuse me?!?”
“Fine, don’t ask a question. We’ll go to the broad 6 feet away from you.”
“Oh, no, you didn’t!”
“I did. Someone take her away. Where do you work, anyway? CNN? It’s no wonder you couldn’t keep a job at… at… Where did you work before that? Wherever it was, there!
So, yeah! Okay, the other lady.”
“Yes, so there have been approximately 10 million people who have filed unemployment over the past couple of weeks. Do you really think the bill you signed last week will be enough to keep families and businesses afloat?”
“Well, that’s a stupid question. There’s no flood. We’re not sending people rafts. We’re sending them money. Next question. My African-American lady in the back…”
“Uh, thanks? When do you think we’ll all be able to go back go work?”
“Tomorrow.”
“Isn’t that a little soon?”
“More like a little late. Look, everyone dies. You’ll die, everyone around you will die, and everyone up on stage here besides me will die. That’s just life. You live; you die. The end. Next question. The Mexican rapist to my left.”
“You once said this virus would, like a miracle, disappear some day. Do you stand by that?”
“Go to hell, Chico, which in your case would be Guat-a-ma-la.”
“Mr. President…”
“Mr. Tortilla, look, if you don’t like it here, go back to your home country!”
“I’m from Branson, Missouri.”
“Next question. The Asian chick over here.”
“Why did it take you so long to take this seriously?”
“I take every rally seriously.”
“No, the virus…”
“Which one?”
“Corona…”
“I don’t drink alcohol, especially not that Hispanic crap! Next question. The Siamese twins in the middle…”
“Someone pointed out earlier that, in February, you had said there were only 15 cases of COVID-19 in this country and that number would go down to 0 in a couple days, resulting in 0 fatalities. We’re now over 5,000 fatalities. What is your ultimate goal, as far as fatalities in this country go? At what number do you think you can honestly say, ‘I did a good job? This was a success?’”
“1 billion”
“But there aren’t that many people whom reside here, Mr. President.”
“Exactly. Let’s do a couple more questions. The so-not-a-10-lady right in front of me…”
“Are there any improvements you feel you can make on your decision-making at this point?”
“Not really. Well, the New England Patriots didn’t win the Super Bowl last year, so maybe we should send Kansas City Chiefs helmets to the hospitals instead.”
“That’s all? Really?”
“Really, really, babycakes. Okay, last question. The college kid over there.”
“I’m 42.”
“Good for you. What’s your question?”
“Is this job harder than you thought it was going to be?”
“Yeah, okay, Gonzo. I see what you’re doing here. That’s just a nasty, ridiculous ol’ gotcha question. I tweet, golf, watch TV, and eat hamberders. Yeah, it’s really hard – about as hard as your mom.”
“I have two dads…”
“So it’s about as hard as your dads.”
“Are you sure you want to go there?”
“Already did, junior. No more questions.”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, you can check me out on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogspot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
Episode 41: The No-Social-Distancing-Rally-Briefings
Premiere Date: 4/3/20
Length: 11:20 (1,503 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/the-no-social-distancing-rally-briefings/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 41, entitled, “The No-Social-Distancing-Rally-Briefings.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
It seems as soon as Donald Trump was advised not to hold rallies, he decided to hold press rallies, disguised as Coronavirus briefings. He’s now been giving daily “briefings” for as long as I can remember, which is a couple days anymore. Wait, what day is it?
It’s kind of funny. Sarah Huckabee-Sanders was Trump’s Press Secretary through the months and months the White House held no press briefings. Now that she’s gone, likely auditioning for the role of Sloth in a Goonies remake, and Trump can’t hold rallies, he’s essentially become his own Press Secretary.
Have you watched one of these things? Trump mumbles some numbers he likely pulled out of a Top Hat he nicknamed Honest Pinocchio, before he takes questions from the press, and tends to lash out at one member per briefing. He’ll contradict his own doctors; treat facts like trash; go the red-herring route; tell a bad joke; and try to create as rosy of a picture as he can. Here, let me demonstrate. This is how these now infamous briefings come across to me.
“Good afternoon. It’s afternoon, right? It’s some time between the before afternoon and after afternoon parts of the day? Afternoon, though, does that even make sense? I mean, there’s noon, and it’s just noon. Does that mean it’s not afternoon? Is noon not in the afternoon? Why isn’t there a beforenoon? Why is it just afternoon? I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. Anyway, first thing’s first. As I’m sure you all wanted to know, I’m now ranked first on MySpace. I don’t even know what that is, but thought it was pretty cool. I wonder if it has anything to do with my Space Force. Maybe I should combine the two and call it MySpace Force. Just a thought, just a thought.
Okay, so an update on the Jiiinesevirus. It’s still from Jiiina. That will never change, folks. It’ll never change. Think about it. It’s like that gnome statue. If it starts in, say, Nambia, travels all over. Narnia, Xenu, Iowa. Do-dee-do-do-dee-do. Wherever it ends up and no matter how many people’s lives are impacted by it, it’ll still be from Nambia. Same thing here. No matter how many people get sick and die from the virus, and no matter how little we prepared to combat it, since it started in Jiiina, it’s the Jiiinesevirus, and is 245% Jiiina’s fault, bigly.
I’ve got some numbers for you. Even though we can fully blame Jiiina, the media, democrats, the impeachment trial, local and state governments, and O.J. Simpson, we still try to do what’s right here, and like help people and shit. So, yeah, we’re doing unbelievable things, incredible things. Here, let me read these exact numbers so the hoax fact-checkers don’t come after me. Just this week, we’ve supplied states and hospitals with the following: 500,000 New England Patriots helmets; 19,242 shoulder pads; 33,997 shin guards; 1,222,568 cleated shoes; 420 mouth-guards; and 2 eye-black strip thingies. Isn’t that just fantastic? Nobody, nobody in the history of this great country, in the history of this world, has ever provided hospitals with as many football helmets and cleated shoes as we have. The face-masks, with giant holes in them, will block out the Coronavirus, no problem. The shoulder pads and shin guards will help prevent the virus from infecting your arms or legs, because that’s where we’re most at danger when it comes to pneumonia – shoulder and shin pain. I’ll never forget the time my left leg had a 103 degree fever and my right shoulder was coughing like crazy. Bad days. Bad days, people. It’s easier to kick the virus away with cleats than normal shoes. Heels can work too, I hear from some people. I’m not sure what the mouth-guards are for, but they’ll save millions and millions of lives. Then the eye-black strip things? They can help you hide away from the virus, as you camouflage in with your surroundings. It makes you feel like a true soldier at war with an invisible enemy. Unfortunately, I can’t wear these eye-strips because of bone-spurs. Everyone else, though? All two of you? Have at it!
To sum up, people are getting sick and dying; we’re running out of stuff; we have no idea when this is going to end; and yeah. Things are going great, like really, really great. Any questions? Yes, the funny-looking guy over here.”
“Thank you, Mr. President. A little over a month ago, you said there were just 15 cases of COVID-19 in the United States and we’d be down to 0 in a couple of days, with no fatalities. We’re now well north of 200,000 cases and 5,000 fatalities. Are you willing to admit you were wrong?”
“I wasn’t wrong. Who says I was wrong?”
“The facts.”
“That’s nasty to say. We don’t use the f-word around here – facts. That wasn’t even me who said that. Fake quote.”
“I have the video right here.”
“That sounds like me, but it’s not.”
“Looks like you too.”
“Maybe he does. What’s your point?”
“He is you.”
“That’s a gotcha answer. Okay, next question. The fat guy over here.”
“Thank you, Mr. President. Do you now regret cutting loose the Obama pandemic response team?”
“Never happened. Obama never had such a deal; I don’t even know what pandemons are; response isn’t in my vocabulary; and the only team I need is me, because you can’t spell team without I.”
“Actually, there is no I in team.”
“There is where I come from. Next question. The crazy bitch up front.”
“Excuse me?!?”
“Fine, don’t ask a question. We’ll go to the broad 6 feet away from you.”
“Oh, no, you didn’t!”
“I did. Someone take her away. Where do you work, anyway? CNN? It’s no wonder you couldn’t keep a job at… at… Where did you work before that? Wherever it was, there!
So, yeah! Okay, the other lady.”
“Yes, so there have been approximately 10 million people who have filed unemployment over the past couple of weeks. Do you really think the bill you signed last week will be enough to keep families and businesses afloat?”
“Well, that’s a stupid question. There’s no flood. We’re not sending people rafts. We’re sending them money. Next question. My African-American lady in the back…”
“Uh, thanks? When do you think we’ll all be able to go back go work?”
“Tomorrow.”
“Isn’t that a little soon?”
“More like a little late. Look, everyone dies. You’ll die, everyone around you will die, and everyone up on stage here besides me will die. That’s just life. You live; you die. The end. Next question. The Mexican rapist to my left.”
“You once said this virus would, like a miracle, disappear some day. Do you stand by that?”
“Go to hell, Chico, which in your case would be Guat-a-ma-la.”
“Mr. President…”
“Mr. Tortilla, look, if you don’t like it here, go back to your home country!”
“I’m from Branson, Missouri.”
“Next question. The Asian chick over here.”
“Why did it take you so long to take this seriously?”
“I take every rally seriously.”
“No, the virus…”
“Which one?”
“Corona…”
“I don’t drink alcohol, especially not that Hispanic crap! Next question. The Siamese twins in the middle…”
“Someone pointed out earlier that, in February, you had said there were only 15 cases of COVID-19 in this country and that number would go down to 0 in a couple days, resulting in 0 fatalities. We’re now over 5,000 fatalities. What is your ultimate goal, as far as fatalities in this country go? At what number do you think you can honestly say, ‘I did a good job? This was a success?’”
“1 billion”
“But there aren’t that many people whom reside here, Mr. President.”
“Exactly. Let’s do a couple more questions. The so-not-a-10-lady right in front of me…”
“Are there any improvements you feel you can make on your decision-making at this point?”
“Not really. Well, the New England Patriots didn’t win the Super Bowl last year, so maybe we should send Kansas City Chiefs helmets to the hospitals instead.”
“That’s all? Really?”
“Really, really, babycakes. Okay, last question. The college kid over there.”
“I’m 42.”
“Good for you. What’s your question?”
“Is this job harder than you thought it was going to be?”
“Yeah, okay, Gonzo. I see what you’re doing here. That’s just a nasty, ridiculous ol’ gotcha question. I tweet, golf, watch TV, and eat hamberders. Yeah, it’s really hard – about as hard as your mom.”
“I have two dads…”
“So it’s about as hard as your dads.”
“Are you sure you want to go there?”
“Already did, junior. No more questions.”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, you can check me out on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogspot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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