The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

In Week 3 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ..., if Aaron Rodgers were part of a band, they'd inevitably be called Mullets of the Stone Age. - ...Ben Roethlisberger has the grace of a drunken tree stump. - ...we can now accurately determine what it is the Cleveland Browns defenders eat for breakfast - Justin Fields. - ...the Jets and Giants are so bad, Frank Sinatra has risen from the grave to re-title his classic song as "Yorkie, Yorkie." - ..., when describing Bill Belichick, even mimes say he's "a man of few words." - ..., after Nebraska dominated and found a way to lose to Michigan State on Saturday night, with many suggesting it was the most ridiculous loss of the year, the Detroit Lions answered the call on Sunday by saying, "Hold our balls." - ...DeSean Jackson was a cheetah in a present life. - ...Derek Carr's pick-six was a blessing in disguise, for it was simply Jesus telling him that giving to the less fortunate will pay great d

In Week 2 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ...Zach Wilson throws picks like Rob Gronkowski throws parties - all the time; everyone is invited; and someone resembling Frank the Tank is bound to make his presence felt. - ..., when his coaching days are through, Zac Taylor will become a magician, for he's the only one who could have made Cincinnati Bengals fans long for the days of Marvin Lewis. - ...Derek Carr is only 2-0 because Jesus f*cking loves Las Vegas. - ...given what he was caught saying on a hot mic, it seems all but certain Jon Gruden ate bar soap for breakfast as a kid. - ...we witnessed a breakthrough in modern-medicine on Monday night, for it was proven the best way to cure apathetic quarterbacks is to face the Detroit Lions. - ...it's only a matter of time before Russell Wilson does the "Thriller" dance in an opponent's end zone, for he's already moonwalking into his own. - ...Sean Payton is so conservative with Jameis Winston, Rand Paul cal

In Week 1 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ...Aaron Rodgers is still all about the "Daily Doubles" - this time in the form of interceptions. - ...Cleveland Browns head coach Kevin Stefanski needs to make just one adjustment for his team to become Super Bowl champions - have Scottish Hammer Jamie Gillan wear a kilt to practice until he learns how to catch snaps. - ...Christopher Walken will soon be saying this about the Minnesota Vikings: "They've got a fever and the only description is COVID Cousins." - ...Buffalo lost because the Bills Mafia didn't order enough hits on Ben Roethlisberger. - ...even before his LASIK eye surgery, Jameis Winston could see Za'Darius Smith's hit on him wasn't a roughing the passer penalty. - ...Daniel Jones's New Year's resolution of "handling balls better" has yet to come to fruition. - ...Ryan Tannehill has joined the "Me Too" movement, after getting sacked by Chandler Jones five t

Between the tradition and progression, youth and experience, strategy and randomness, skill and luck, excitement and deafening silence, and pageantry, college football is arguably the greatest sport in America, quite possibly the world. The coverage of it, however, may be the worst of any sport. In every major professional sport, the best teams reach the playoffs; play in a tournament; and at the end of the day, only one team remains. There's never any talk about polls, where the coaches or media ranked the New Orleans Saints or Chicago Bulls, etc. It's all settled on the field (or court or rink or whatever). Even in college basketball and baseball, while some politicking goes on, large tournaments tend to leave little question of who the best team was at season's end. That's not the case with college football. While the product on the field itself is arguably the best in the world, there's so much politicking going on, one could swear they were in the middle of an