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What I learned in Week 2 of the NFL season

In Week 2 of the NFL season, I learned that...

- ...Zach Wilson throws picks like Rob Gronkowski throws parties - all the time; everyone is invited; and someone resembling Frank the Tank is bound to make his presence felt.

- ..., when his coaching days are through, Zac Taylor will become a magician, for he's the only one who could have made Cincinnati Bengals fans long for the days of Marvin Lewis.

- ...Derek Carr is only 2-0 because Jesus f*cking loves Las Vegas.

- ...given what he was caught saying on a hot mic, it seems all but certain Jon Gruden ate bar soap for breakfast as a kid.

- ...we witnessed a breakthrough in modern-medicine on Monday night, for it was proven the best way to cure apathetic quarterbacks is to face the Detroit Lions.

- ...it's only a matter of time before Russell Wilson does the "Thriller" dance in an opponent's end zone, for he's already moonwalking into his own.

- ...Sean Payton is so conservative with Jameis Winston, Rand Paul called to become his offensive coordinator, and Payton responded, "Sorry, Senator Chia-Pet, but you're liberal AF."

- ...there may still be a way to get anti-vaxxer Carson Wentz to get the jab - simply tell him said vaccinations prevent men from being more fragile than "A Christmas Story" leg-lamps.

- ..., if the Jacksonville Jaguars #1 draft pick were to not cut his hair until his team won a game, he'd go on to be known as Trevor Rapunzel.

- ..., in light of the new taunting rule, the only way to again create balance in the world will be to allow professional golfers to throw clubs at and drive carts into competition during their shots.

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