Ever watch a film or series, which really hits home? For whatever reason, you fully identify with a character, and oddly almost feel as though it's your story being told? I went through said surreal experience just yesterday, as I binge-watched the new Netflix series, Baby Reindeer.
The series was created by writer/comedian Richard Gadd, who shares his adult life story, in chasing his dream of being a stand-up comedian.
First, I want to say the series is quite incredible. I don't believe I've ever related so strongly to a show. Secondly, if you haven't seen the show, please read with caution. While Baby Reindeer isn't a whodunnit, I don't want to spoil the experience for anyone.
Richard Gadd's character is Donny, whom I will be referring to throughout this piece. Donny has long aspired to be a stand-up comedian. His shtick is prop-heavy, kind of cheesy, and not at all well-received at first, as he plays in front of couples of people at a dive bar. That is until he almost magically bumps into a Hollywood writer, who claims to be bored, and seems interested in helping Donny attain his dream. The writer - Darrien - seems pure in his intent initially, but as the saying goes, "If something seems too good to be true, it usually is." Darrien attends one of Donny's poorly-received shows; laughs with regularity; and provides Donny with his card, saying he could help him fine-tune his craft and make something of himself in the entertainment world. The two meet at Darrien's place to discuss Donny's routine, but soon begin to focus more on getting high on just about any and every substance known to man. It reaches the point where Donny can't remember a thing of the previous night, or was it morning, but couldn't help but notice his pants being down; his genitalia being wet; and his backside in pain. Even though his body and gut instinct told him something was wrong, he continued to go back to Darrien, in the faintest chance the writer could help him succeed in his quest for stardom. Once Donny left and went back home to his girlfriend, at the time, he, of course, was never the same.
Throughout his painful journey, Donny was also having to deal with a stalker - Martha. When he wasn't doing his stand-up routine, Donny was a bartender. One afternoon a middle-aged woman, by the name of Martha, stopped in. Donny provided her a cup of tea on the house and Martha took an immediate interest in him. While he loved her laugh, her cheerful demeanor, and her complimentary nature, he slowly began to suspect something wasn't right. The seemingly harmless, playful bartender-regular banter soon began to transform into a case of bartender-stalker. Martha claimed she was a highly successful attorney, yet her entire life soon revolved around Donny. When she wasn't at his bar, she was emailing him dozens, if not hundreds of times in rapid succession. If he so much as responded by saying, "I hope your day was a good one," she'd somehow construe it as meaning he wanted to one day marry her. This ensued for 6 months, before Donny finally went to the police.
With the abuse and the stalker, Donny's life was turned upside down. He felt confused and simultaneously wanted to run away from his life, yet place all of its pieces together to form a puzzle he could understand. This led to sex with any and everyone you could imagine, regardless of gender. It all reached a head when Donny, who had just been assaulted by Martha at his bar, was scheduled to be the final performer at a stand-up competition. The audience wasn't laughing at his jokes and he wasn't in the mood to tell jokes, so he treated it like a confessional. He shared everything: the stalker, the assault, the sexual abuse, the seeming nightmare of attaining his dream. After he left the stage, he felt a weight removed from one of his shoulders. Soon thereafter, he saw someone from the audience had filmed his speech, and it went viral. In the irony of all ironies, a largely failed stand-up comedian finally made it big by providing an emotional, cathartic confessional as a contestant in a stand-up comedy contest. Thinking his parents might hear about it, he confronted and told them everything. He told them about being raped, about the stalker's assault, about the confusion of his sexual orientation. Tears, of course, filled their eyes when they heard of the rape, but assured him they'd love and support him no matter what. In one of the most powerful and tear-inducing scenes in the series, if not the most, Donny said he was embarrassed about the rape, and didn't want anyone to think he was less of a man because of it. His father, unusually silent for most of the talk, then asked his son, "Would you think I was less of a man?" Donny, of course said, "No." His father added, "I was an altar boy at a Catholic church growing up..." Donny and his mother hugged, before Donny and his father gave each other, what seemed like the first and only hug of their lives.This interaction removed the weight from Donny's other shoulder.
Even though things appeared to be moving in a more positive direction for Donny, he still had his demons. Martha admitted on trial she was guilty of stalking and harassing him, yet for some strange reason, he continued to be fascinated by her. Did he oddly like her attention? Did she help him ignore his own problems? Why did his empathy for her and others like her get him into such trouble? Would he ever be able to love a partner, or would it always just be sex with him? When would he stop running from his life? Would he ever stop torturing himself and actually come to at least accept himself?
Sadly, I connected with Donny's character more than I'd like to admit. Rather frequently, while watching the series, I had to shake my head to make certain I wasn't in a strange dream, as it felt like my life story was being told. I was sexually abused by a man when I was 8 years old. He was a neighbor, a babysitter, and I thought a friend, like a big brother-type. He stopped by one summer afternoon to play video games. As my brother was away at a friend's; my mom was teaching at Vacation Bible School; and my dad was watching TV in the basement, this young man and I played "Ice Hockey" on the original Nintendo. I won't go into vivid details about what ensued, but as soon as he heard my dad walking around downstairs, knowing he may soon come up, he placed a small knife to my throat and told me not to tell anyone. My life, from that moment onward, was never the same.
I'm 43 now, so I vaguely remember my early years. I do remember I was a happy-go-lucky child; extroverted; the kid all the cute girls in class had crushes on. At the moment of the abuse, all that seeming brightness immediately turned dark. My extroverted nature inverted. I went from lighting up a room with my mere presence to invisibility. For fear of my own life, I stayed mum - this while also going through epilepsy.
The anti-social behavior only exacerbated throughout middle and part of high school. I'd often fake sick, so I could stay home, away from the world. It was an odd feeling. My home was where I went to escape the world, yet it was at home where the abuse occurred. While I can't remember a good deal of my childhood, I can't forget a single detail of the abuse.
From an early age, I was attracted to the opposite sex, and for the most part, the attraction was reciprocated. I was 8-years-old at the time of the abuse, so I hadn't been educated about the birds-and-the-bees, different sexual orientations, etc. I was a kid and had no idea what was happening. All I knew was that it felt wrong and I felt scared. From that moment forward, I was uncomfortable with courting the opposite sex, and was honestly uncomfortable with sex. In the show, Donny resorted to promiscuity. I went the opposite route, and abstained from any and everything sexual. It sounds ridiculous, but throughout my teenage years, I would ask myself, "Why did you let that man do that?," "Why did you freeze?," "Why didn't you do something?," "Does that mean you're not attracted to women?," etc. I've never been physically involved with a member of the same sex since, nor have I ever desired it, yet to say I was confused by all this as an 8-year-old kid would be the understatement of the decade. I avoided girls in middle school, even though I did have a couple of crushes. I largely avoided them in high school. Anything sexual felt wrong. If I were ever aroused by someone of the opposite sex, it felt wrong. If I ever possessed impure thoughts of her, it felt wrong. All because of the abuse.
Four things helped me start to break out of my shell: 1) Music, 2) Alcohol, 3) Writing, and 4) Comedy. Oddly enough, the band Marilyn Manson helped me the most, when it came to music. It actually empowered me to try and fight my demons and accept myself. Alcohol was just a means of trying to actually fit in, socialize, and deny the abuse and my seizures. Writing helped me try and make sense of my life and the world. Comedy became my way of socially-interacting with my peers while sober. Since the abuse, I had kind of been viewed as the quiet nerd. In the latter part of high school, I became a hybrid of the quiet nerd and the class clown.
Soon after graduating college, I started to dream about making it as an entertainer. I'd always possessed a creative mind, an uncanny ability to think outside-the-box, and make people laugh along the way. Almost 20 years later and I still haven't made it big. For every 2 steps forward, I seem to fall down 3 steps, and am left wondering, "WTF am I even doing?" After watching the show, I'm now asking myself, "How far would you go to achieve stardom?"
Like Donny, for better or worse, I've always been extremely empathetic. While I largely believe empathy to be a positive trait, which is sorely lacking in the world today, it can reach a point of counterproduction - where one harms themselves by completely focusing on others' needs, while ignoring their own. During Donny's confessional, he said the thing he loved most was hating himself. There have been times I've felt the same. Writing, music, and comedy help keep me sane, I believe. I honestly don't know what I'd do without them. They allow me to express myself; to release my demons; and to make others laugh. It may sound odd at first, but I think it's largely true that comedians are often the most depressed people. Why do they make a living making others laugh? Because they know what it's like to feel down. Maybe it's not so much I love hating myself more than I love anything else; it's that I don't know how to be happy, so I spend most my time trying to make others happy, and this makes me feel better about myself.
I'll close with this. There is a certain stigma attached to males being abused - particularly by females. Society has largely made men feel emasculated when they're victims of abuse. First off, abuse isn't always physical. You can't always see the bumps and bruises affiliated with abuse. As a matter of fact, I'd reckon, in most cases, the scarring from abuse is much deeper than what can be seen on the surface. But, regardless of gender, nobody should be made to feel like less of a person for being an abuse victim. I was 8 years old when I was abused, yet I felt weak, like less of a "man" because of it. That's not right. That goes for anyone, regardless of age or gender. ALL abuse victims should be heard. You're not alone. It wasn't your fault. Help is out there. Let's forever fight for the victims; shout for the voiceless; and create a better tomorrow for the kids of today.
Comments
Post a Comment