As I did with the presidential debate between Democratic nominee Kamala Harris and Republican nominee Donald Trump, I thought I'd preview the upcoming Vice Presidential debate between Democratic running mate Tim Walz and Republican running mate JD Vance in a similar, satirical, perhaps even prescient manner.
"Welcome to tonight's Vice Presidential debate. Alongside chief foreign affairs correspondent Margaret Brennan, I'm Norah O'Donnell. Tonight, Ms. Brennan and I will ask Governor Tim Walz and Senator JD Vance a series of questions, to give the American people a better idea of what they'll be voting for come November. Regardless of what the YouTube channel ImHighAFRightNowAndCanSeeThingsYouCant will later contend, neither individual on stage has been provided these questions beforehand, but please keep in mind, odds are quite high they have a general idea of what's to come. It's not like I'm going to be asking what the #1 single was on February 4th of 1952 or what the highest-grossing Marvel movie of all-time is. No matter how drunk you are, this ain't trivia night. If you possess any common sense and have an IQ above 70, chances are you will know what questions we're going to ask this evening. So, please, do us all a favor and shut the front door with these ridiculous conspiracies. Having said that, let's begin. My colleague, Ms. Brennan, will begin with the first question."
Brennan: "Thank you very much. Senator Vance, when we asked you to call heads or tails on the coin toss, you said, and I quote, 'I don't like coins. My piggy bank is currently empty. I boycott this toss,' so we will start with Governor Walz. Mr. Walz, you've gone viral for calling Donald Trump and JD Vance 'weird.' What did you mean by that? Could you be specific?"
Walz: "Well, I mean, just look at the guy. Look, we're all a little different, but there's a big difference between weird and WEIRD. You want specifics? Trump talks about windmills causing cancer and killing whales. This guy over here is obsessed with women who own cats. Sound like a couple of pu$$ies to me."
Brennan: "Senator Vance, would you care to respond?"
Vance: "I bet he has a cat."
Brennan: "Is that all?"
Vance: "No, I bet his cat has like a lot of fur and a tail."
Brennan: "Are you done?"
Vance: "I bet his cat even has a name."
Brennan: "Okay?"
Vance: "...and he calls me weird."
Brennan: "Well, alright then. Mr. Vance, I'll start with you this time. Ever since you were announced as Donald Trump's running mate, you've received criticism for poor poll numbers, with some even suggesting you're hurting the Republican ticket. What is your response to said contention?"
Vance: "I believe in God. I believe in guns. I don't believe in abortion. I believe God wants all fetuses to be born with guns. If that's wrong, I don't wanna be right."
Brennan: "Governor Walz, would you care to respond?"
Walz: "Well, in JD's defense, Trump is damaging the Republican ticket plenty by himself."
Vance: "Not true!"
Walz: "Wanna bet?"
Vance: "I don't gamble. God wouldn't approve."
Walz: "But he approves kids getting shot in schools?"
Vance: "That's up to God."
Walz: "Wait, so gambling is up to you, but kids getting shot in schools is up to God? Which is it?"
Vance: "That's up to God."
Walz: "Now you're just talking crazy."
Vance: "That's up to God."
Walz: "Like I said, weirdo."
Brennan: "I will now turn the next series of questions to my partner, Norah O'Donnell."
O'Donnell: "Thank you. I will start with Senator Vance. Based on your interviews since being selected as Donald Trump's running mate, some people have said you're incapable of admitting you're wrong and/or issuing an apology. So my question to you is what's one thing in life you regret?"
Vance: "What do you mean?"
O'Donnell: "For example, did you ever cheat on a test in school and have felt guilty about it ever since?"
Vance: "The kid's hand wasn't covering up his paper enough."
O'Donnell: "Okay, have you ever cheated on a girlfriend?"
Vance: "Her twin sister was really hot."
O'Donnell: "Have you ever lied to one of your parents?"
Vance: "As the saying goes, 'One man's lie is another man's treasure.'"
O'Donnell: "That's actually not the saying."
Vance: "Case in point"
O'Donnell: "Incorrect"
Vance: "Don't beat around the bush?"
O'Donnell: "Are you just listing random cliches?"
Vance: "If you wish in one hand and crap in the other..."
O'Donnell: "That's enough. Governor Walz, would you care to respond?"
Walz: "Actually, no, I'm good."
O'Donnell: "Thank you. Mr. Walz, this question goes to you: Donald Trump has coined the nickname 'Tampon Tim' for you, claiming as governor of Minnesota, you signed a bill which mandated the supply of tampons in boys' bathrooms. To that, how do you respond?"
Walz: "Well, first off, that's been debunked. The bill I signed did not supply tampons in boys' bathrooms. It did, however, make tampons available to those who needed them. I don't really like talking about this stuff, but the reality is we all go through a lot of changes growing up. This is part of that whole deal. We can't pretend these things don't happen and wish them away. They happen. Deal with it. If me accepting these realities and providing kids tampons who need tampons makes me Tampon Tim, so be it. I'm Tampon Tim, everybody!"
O'Donnell: "Mr. Vance, your response?"
Vance: "Tampons feel like sand."
O'Donnell: "Excuse me?"
Vance: "Um, yeah"
O'Donnell: "Margaret, I turn it back over to you."
Brennan: "Thanks, Norah. Governor Walz, you've been quite outspoken in your support for women's reproductive rights. If you and Vice President Harris are sent to the White House, what would you like to see done about said rights?"
Walz: "I'd like them to have their rights back! Don't give me this mumbo jumbo about it being a state issue. It's not a state issue. What, are you trying to tell me women should have reproductive rights in Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, and Michigan, but not in Indiana or West Virginia? What the heck? What if the tables were turned? What if men only had certain rights in half the states, but not the others? Would Donald Trump, JD Vance, and other Republicans be for it? Would they still say, 'Oh, yeah, it's a states' issue'? I don't think so!"
Brennan: "Strong words by Governor Walz. Senator Vance, would you care to respond?"
Vance: "I would, Eileen."
Brennan: "It's Margaret."
Vance: "Eileen Margaret"
Brennan: "Just Margaret"
Vance: "Elaine, I just want to say this. I feel very strongly about women's rights. I know Donald does too. We believe it's a woman's right to have the right to know men are always right and should have the right to control women's rights. Did I get that right? I think I did. I think I got that right."
Brennan: "Wow"
Walz: "Right?"
Brennan: "I'll start now with Mr. Vance. Senator, you've been quite critical of Donald Trump in the past. What was the turning point for you? What was the moment when you said to yourself, 'I was wrong about this guy'?"
Vance: "I wasn't wr-, wr-, wr-..."
Brennan: "Are you having trouble with your 'r's?"
Vance: "That's right."
Brennan: "Okay, so what was the moment when you said to yourself, 'I wasn't not not not not right about this guy'?"
Vance: "Ah, yes, thank you. The moment when I said to myself, 'I wasn't not not not not right about this guy' was when he called our men and women in uniform 'suckers' and 'losers.'"
Brennan: "Are you sure you want to go there?"
Vance: "You're right. It's when he was convicted of 34 felonies."
Brennan: "Really?"
Vance: "Okay, no, it's when he was found liable for raping a woman."
Brennan: "Yikes. Governor Walz, do you have a response?"
Walz: "Again, no, I'm good."
O'Donnell: "We will now listen to the two candidates' closing statements. Since we began with Governor Walz..."
Vance: "Rigged coin toss!"
O'Donnell: "Please, senator... As I was saying, since we began with Mr. Walz answering the first question this evening, we will now start our closing statements with Mr. Vance. Senator, the floor is yours..."
Vance: "I once went to a doughnut shop. I said, 'Do you have any doughnuts?' The young lady said yes, so I ordered a doughnut. I said, 'The one with the hole in the middle. I like to stick my fingers in holes and play with them.' She kinda looked at me funny, but isn't that America? We're in a hole; people are looking at us funny; and we just have to get our fingers into the hole that is our great nation and play with it for a little while, until the hole is gone, and we are great again. Vote for Donald and myself and we'll finger every single American's holes, and that's a promise."
Brennan: "Governor Walz, you now have the floor..."
Walz: "Thank you Margaret, Norah, CBS, and everyone watching at home. What can I say? Did you hear this guy? I never thought I could be left speechless, yet he's done it to me at least twice tonight! What in the Sam hill is he talking about? I don't even think he knows. Don't listen to these deranged conspiracy cuckoo heads, saying, 'Oh, this election is between freedom vs. communism,' or whatever -ism they use. Go ahead and ask them sometime about these -isms, and $100 says they give you a deer-in-the-headlights-look. Go ahead. 'Communism'? They'll probably say it's a church tradition, where you drink wine and eat crackers. They don't know. They're just trigger words to scare people. No, this election isn't about that gobbledygook; it's about we the people vs. weird. Don't be weird; vote for Kamala and myself and we'll fight for the people."
O'Donnell: "Thank you Governor Walz, Senator Vance, Margaret Brennan, and everyone at home for participating in and watching this Vice Presidential debate, and be sure to get out and vote on election day."
Vance: "Rigged!"
Brennan: "Shut it! Goodnight, America."
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