Knowing all that we do about Donald Trump, I’m picturing a scene similar to the one from the classic film, ‘Groundhog Day,’ when Phil asks Rita, “Who is your perfect man?” but instead, it’s a reporter asking the Republican Party, “Who is your perfect candidate?”
...and action.
Reporter: “You pride yourself on being the party of: Guns, God, family values, our troops, Israel, freedom, fiscal responsibility, and keeping the government out of people’s lives. Do you feel that’s a fair description?”
GOP: “100% fair, and balanced, if I may so.”
Reporter: “You may. So, tell me, who is your perfect candidate?”
GOP: “Jesus holding a pair of rocket launchers.”
Reporter: “No, I mean, let’s go through this in a more detailed manner. Like, have you ever pretended to form the perfect quarterback? Peyton Manning’s awareness and intelligence, Dan Marino’s arm, Drew Brees’s accuracy...”
GOP: “...and Tom Brady’s speed, yes.”
Reporter: “Well, okay, sure. Let’s do something similar, but instead of the perfect quarterback, let’s form the perfect Republican candidate. Sound good?”
GOP: “This actually sounds fun. Reminds me of Rome, when the sun hits the buildings in the afternoon.”
Reporter. “Sure, whatever. Let’s start with keeping government out of people’s lives. What’s the perfect answer to that question, ‘How do you best keep the government out of people’s lives?’”
GOP: “Well, first of all, the best way to keep government out of people’s lives is to get them right on up in there.”
Reporter: “What do you mean? Right up in where?”
GOP: “You know”
Reporter: “No, I honestly don’t.”
GOP: “That one thingy”
Reporter: “I’m sorry, I’m not catching on here.”
GOP: “Two words: Starts with a ‘v,’ or is it a ‘b,’ I never did learn that.”
Reporter: “Is this a bad word or something?”
GOP: “It is where I come from. Well, hell, it’s where we all come from, in a way – that or a stork.”
Reporter: “Okay, so 2 words, starts with a ‘v’ or a ‘b,’ and it’s where we all come from, which isn’t a stork. Is that correct?”
GOP: “Yap”
Reporter: “What does the word rhyme with?”
GOP: “Magina”
Reporter: “What?!?”
GOP: “Do I need to spell it out for you? Bagina. We need to keep government out of people’s lives by getting them all up in ladies’ baginas.”
Reporter: “That’s ‘vaginas.’”
GOP: “You see? I never knew. You do learn something new every day.”
Reporter: “Not everyone”
GOP: “Huh?”
Reporter: “Exactly. Okay, so you want to keep government out of people’s lives by moving the government into women’s most private area.”
GOP: “Well, hang on just a minute there, sweetie, I didn’t say no nothing about no privates. I was just talkin’ about baginas here.”
Reporter: “’Vaginas’”
GOP: “That’s what I said.”
Reporter: “Whatever. You’re a strong supporter of Israel, correct?”
GOP: “From your lips to God’s ears.”
Reporter: “So, what would a politician have to say about Israel for you to think, ‘Wow, he’s our guy!’?”
GOP: “Okay, so it’s like this. He would need to support Israel 197%! Like all the way! With everything! But he’d also need to think Hitler was pretty cool too. Do you know what I mean?”
Reporter: “Honestly, no. What are you saying exactly?”
GOP: “Well, like the Holocaust. Assuming it happened, I don’t know; I wasn’t there, but if you watch YouTube...”
Reporter: “I don’t.”
GOP: “Okay, well anyway, always support Israel, 172%, but also support that Hitler fella. It’s what Jesus would do.”
Reporter: “What?!? I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. Speaking of Jesus, where would you want your perfect candidate to stand, in relation to the teachings of Christ?”
GOP: “The most important thing he can do is say he’s a Christian, that he believes in; prays to; and worships Jesus.”
Reporter: “...and the second most important thing?”
GOP: “That he makes it a daily ritual to break every Commandment.”
Reporter: “Is there a third thing?”
GOP: “Yes, I’m so glad you asked. The third most important thing is for this candidate to believe he’s Jesus and for everyone to treat him like Jesus.”
Reporter: “Holy shit.”
GOP: “Hey, that wasn’t very Christ-like of you, young lady. Ask for forgiveness.”
Reporter: “Maybe later. Moving on to fiscal responsibility, how would you describe your perfect candidate?”
GOP: “I’ve actually thought about this one for a while. I’ve got my notes around here somewhere. Ah, there they are. In my hand. Wouldn’t you know it? Okay, so my perfect candidate would be a genius businessman, who got started by getting $413M from his daddy, which his daddy made through fraud and tax evasion. He’d then go on to bankrupt 6 companies; be held accountable for fraud lots of times; rack up the most debt in history; and get convicted of dozens of felonies. How does that sound? Pretty doggone good, right?”
Reporter: “If you say so.”
GOP: “I do, I really, really do.”
Reporter: “What about our troops?”
GOP: “What about ‘em?”
Reporter: “Your perfect candidate...”
GOP: “Yes?”
Reporter: “With regard to our men and women in uniform, what would your perfect candidate need to say or do to be your perfect candidate?”
GOP: “Okay, now, just so we’re clear, when you say ‘men and women in uniform,’ are you talking about softball players?”
Reporter: “Troops! Our troops!”
GOP: “Ah, okay. You need to be more pacific, honey.”
Reporter: “I was.”
GOP: “You was what?”
Reporter: “Pacific, I mean specific!”
GOP: “About?”
Reporter: “The question I asked you!”
GOP: “Which was?”
Reporter: “The one about our troops!”
GOP: “Ah, yes, well, let’s not argue sabbatics here. My perfect candidate would need to sport as many ‘I support our troops’ bumper stickers as is possible, his car – probably a Tesla tank – could handle. While doing that, though, he’d also need to call them ‘suckers’ and ‘losers,’ and insult them as many ways as is patriotically possible – all the way from here to Tim’s buck tooth.”
Reporter: “I think you mean Timbuktu.”
GOP: “What the heck is that? I don’t know any Timbuktu. I just know about Tim’s buck tooth down in Little Rock, Arkansas. It’s a funny story. He...”
Reporter: “Alright, one more question, and this one delves into family values. What I want to...”
GOP: “I’m gonna stop you right there. This guy needs to be a good husband, a good father, a good Christian, just a good, wholesome family man. So, the perfect candidate, in this regard, needs to be married at least 3 times; cheat on all his wives; rape one of the wives; and get it on with a porn star after his youngest son is born.”
Reporter: “Is that...”
GOP: “Oh, there’s just one more thing – he has the hots for one of his daughters and seriously wants to get it on with her.”
Reporter: “I believe we’re done here.”
GOP: “Oh, that’s it? I hope it was as fun for you as it was for me. If my perfect candidate ever gets nominated, be sure to vote for him.”
Reporter: “God help us.”
GOP: “Hey, don’t you be saying the lord’s name in vain now!”
Reporter: “Jesus H. Christ!”
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