How Tariff Trump goes about his day...

Trump's day, in a nutshell...

5:30 am: "I'm gonna tariff the sh*t outta everybody and their moms."

6:30 am: "Okay, maybe not the moms, because some of them might be 10s, and then there might be a couple of 4s, which makes a 10."

7:30 am: "Wait, but tariffs are the best things ever created, so moms would love it, so yeah, I'm gonna tariff them too."

8:30 am: "Elon wants to be the head of DOTE (Department of Tariff Efficiency). Whatever, it'll keep the weirdo busy."

9:30 am: "Tariffs are gonna save people so much money. This is going to be brilliant. The more zeroes, the more savings. I'm gonna tariff all 3 countries in the world 1,000,000,000,000,000%. We're all gonna be rich!"

10:30 am: "Okay, I'm being told tariffs might actually cost people money, so I'm gonna lower the increase to just 1,000,000%."

11:30 am: "Psych! No tariffs! That one country offered me a 12-foot life-size poster of me. Greatest deal ever!"

12:30 pm: "Some people are saying the poster isn't actually life-size. Should I put tariffs back on the table? To tariff or not to tariff? That is the answer."

1:30 pm: "Closing my eyes; reaching into ushanka #1. Russia? I'm not doing that. Let's try this again. Nipple. Nipple? That's a country? Nepal, Nipple, I don't know. Okay, reaching into ushanka #2. 95%. Lastly, reaching into ushanka #3. Nipple clamps. Okay, so I'm going to tariff the country of Nipple 95% on nipple clamps."

2:30 pm: "I wonder what language the people of Nipple speak. Nipplish? Nipplese? Nipian? Hey, Siri, what language do Nipples speak?"

3:30 pm: "Elon's jumping around, repeatedly shouting, 'Tariffs rule!' Must be 3:30."

4:30 pm: "I'm gonna tariff water. Nobody uses the stuff anyway. I know I don't. Never drank the stuff; I haven't swum since the incident with the bluegill; and the last time I showered was in 'Nam."

5:30 pm: "Too soon for the water tariffs, I'm told. I guess the tariffs have to be filtered first, or something."

6:30 pm: "Someone just tweeted the water is now going to retaliate with a tariff against me. Can they even do that? Must be true. The person has a blue check next to their name, which is UnRealParodyAccountGotYouSuckas."

7:30 pm: "A coffee-boy I once paid to cover up millions more felonies just told me to look up the word 'tariff' in the dictionary. Where did I put that thing? Do I have one? What even is it?"

8:30 pm: "Okay, the 'coffee-boy' gave it to me. How do you even spell the stupid word? 'Tear-if,' right? It has to be! This dictionary is stupid!"

9:30 pm: "What if I tariff one country 100% and another country 1,000%? That would mean I tariff both countries 100,000%! I love math!"

10:30 pm: "F*ck it! No tariffs! I hate tariffs! Tariffs suck harder than Pete (Hegseth) doing breathalyzers!"

11:30 pm: "No, check that, I love tariffs! They're the greatest thing since Dr. (Ben) Carson's motivational speeches!"

12:30: "Such a productive day - probably the most productive day in recorded history. Now it's time to go to bed. Counting tariffs always seems to help."

#TrumpIsUnfitForOffice #Tariffs

Boycotting jukeboxes because of TouchTunes

I love music and enjoy hitting the bar(s) over the weekend, so naturally, when the mood strikes me, I've never been coy about playing some songs on the jukebox. This past Thursday, a friend of mine turned 50, so several friends of her's, including myself, all met up to celebrate the occasion. At around 9:30, a friend of mine and I both chipped in $5 to play some songs on the jukebox. Four hours and 231 skips later, we gave up on hearing the songs we had selected, and went home knowing we had just wasted $5. This wasn't the first time such a thing had happened to me (and many others), and due to that, I'll be boycotting jukeboxes. Why? The scam known as TouchTunes. You see, here's how the plot typically breaks down. A person (or group of people) downloads the TouchTunes app on his/her phone, consumes one too many adult beverages, and due to this, has less care for spending extra money to hear the songs of their choosing right NOW. That's the thing with TouchTun...

Face guarding is legal in college football and the NFL

I just wanted to remind fans and announcers especially, that face guarding is legal in both college football and the NFL. It all comes down to contact. So long as a defender doesn't make contact with an intended receiver, he doesn't have to turn around to play the ball. I can't tell you how many times every week I hear announcers talk about face guarding being a penalty. It's not. I even heard one announcer yesterday state, "If the defender doesn't turn around and play the ball, the ref will call pass interference every time." That's simply not true. Courtesy of referee Bill LeMonnier, he says this with regard to the rule at the college level (answered on 8/12/13): "NCAA rules on pass interference require the face guarding to have contact to be a foul. No contact, no foul by NCAA rules." In the NFL rule book, this is written: "Actions that constitute defensive pass interference include but are not limited to: (a) Contact by a ...

Mentioned on Crooks and Liars and Hinterland Gazette!

Due to some tweets of mine, I got mentioned on the following two sites (all my tweets can be viewed here - https://twitter.com/CraigRozniecki ): https://crooksandliars.com/2019/04/trump-gives-stupid-advice-george https://hinterlandgazette.com/2019/03/istandwithschiff-is-trending-after-donald-trump-led-gop-attack-on-adam-schiff-backfires-spectacularly.html

The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

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