The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

The Top Ten Changes to Palm Beach International Airport Once It's Renamed Donald J. Trump International Airport 10. Flying experience won't be required for pilots. So long as Trump once saw them play 'Galaga' at a bowling alley arcade, they'll be deemed "qualified." 9. The waiting line will be sorted by way of hotness ("10s are always first"). 8. The only exit row will be located in the cargo hold. 7. Conveyor belt-speed will increase from 0.5 m/s to 500 million m/s. 6. Near misses will be termed 'holes-in-one.' 5. Flights will only be permitted to areas which have a +0% net-approval rating of Trump, so: Wyoming, West Virginia, Russia, Idaho, and The Rocks-for-Brains Kid Rock Fan Club. 4. The noses of airplanes will be redesigned to resemble mini-mushrooms. 3. When experiencing severe turbulence, all passengers must stand and sing the national anthem.  2. Air Traffic Control will be orchestrated via Sharpie. 1. (drumroll) Next to the oxyg...

The Top Ten Expected Findings in The Donald J. Trump Presidential Library 10. "MLGA" merchandise, which stands for, "Make Libaries Great Again" 9. Trump's autobiography, "Fifty Shades of Cray" 8. Teen Beauty Pageant contestants in the True Crime section 7. Posters spread all about the facility, with the message, "I know words. I have the best words. Covfefe." 6. To gain membership, one will be required to accurately recite, "Person, woman, man, camera, TV." 5. Weekly book-burnings 4. A donation jar to the Trump "charity," "I Read Good, Bigly." 3. A summer children's program called, "Fun With Felons." 2. Anything but books 1. (drumroll) Trump's mugshot in front of the urinal, featuring the word, "BOOKed"

After bragging about a perfect 30 for 30 on his cognitive test, for the 4th time no less (120 for 120 for those scoring at home), I made it my mission to find this very test Donald Trump has reportedly aced (by himself, no less). Well, after some hard work, and paying raccoons to search for it at the bottom of dumpsters at Golden Corrals, here it is.  1. How old do you feel? A. A number B. Younger than Elvis C. Could you repeat that? D. Yes 2. 'Quad' means "4." Keeping that in mind, how many sides does a quadrilateral have? A. 4 B. 1,096,233 C. 19,771,808,356 D. 867-5309 3. True or False, this is a True or False question? A. True B. False C. Half-True D. All of the Above 4. Oklahoma City is the capital city of what state? A. Oklahoma B. Sucklahoma C. Not OK-lahoma D. Mexico City 5. What was your answer to question #4? A. B B. D C. A D. C 6. If Sammy Hagar is driving 55 down the interstate, how fast is he driving? A. 55 B. 56 C. 57 D. Van Halen 7. In what religion do y...

Since Donald Trump has recently been in the hospital more times than Gene Simmons has been kissed by groupies, I thought I'd speculate on the reasons for these frequent hospital trips. The Top Ten Reasons for Trump's Frequent Hospital Visits 10. BTSD (Bigly Traitor Stress Disorder) 9. Lieabetes 8. Orange Fever 7. Ballzheimer's (forgot where his balls are) 6. ADND (Attention Deficit No-Activity Disorder) 5. Restless Mini-Hands Syndrome 4. Pecker Muscular Dystrophy 3. Ataxia returns 2. Sticking-foot-in-mouth disease 1. (drumroll) Donarrhea