Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 234: "MAGAts Here, MAGAts There, MAGAts Every-Flipping-Where" is now available!

Podcast: I Feel Snitty

Episode 234: MAGAts Here, MAGAts There, MAGAts Every-Flipping-Where

Premiere Date: 6/22/2023

Length: 9:26 (1,442 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/magats-here-magats-there-magats-every-flipping-where/

Transcript: 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 234, entitled “MAGAts Here, MAGAts There, MAGAts Every-Flipping-Where.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

Since world’s richest man and world’s poorest cage-match fighter – Elon Musk – took over, Twitter has been a clusterf*ck. The site has gone from rather smooth flow of traffic to a seemingly constant car crash. It’s awful to witness, even worse to be a part of, yet one can’t help but watch.

One of the numerous chaotic decisions the aforementioned cage-match loser came up with was Twitter Blue. With this feature, Musk decided to do away with the legacy blue checkmarks – which were given to well-known individuals, in order to verify their accounts were legitimate. In conjunction with that, he provided the option for anyone to spend $8 per month to see a fancy blue checkmark next to their name. Anyone could do it: Tom Brady, Stephen King, the sole barber in a town of 56, you, me, anybody.

I was long reluctant on signing up for Twitter Blue. If I were to receive a blue checkmark by my name, I wanted it to be earned, not to be paid for, and by me, no less. Things finally reached a low point on the platform for me, though, and I was told there was more to Twitter Blue than just a luxurious blue checkmark. I had roughly 124,000 followers at the time, and while I wasn’t very active on the site for a while, upon Elon taking over, it still seemed rather pathetic for my posts to have only received 100,000 impressions per month. So, when reading more about the additional features of Twitter Blue, one listing caught my attention – your tweets would be placed at the top of listings on the site, which would thereby generate more traffic on your page. At this mention, I finally decided to give in. Have I noticed any difference? Has it been worth $8 every month? I’d say, if you’re just a casual user, then no. But if you’re active, and especially if you’re attempting to garner more recognition for whatever reason, then yes. I’ve gone from 100,000 impressions per month to 200,000 impressions per day, or 5 million impressions per month. To be completely honest, the exponential increase in activity has gotten overwhelming at times, but I’m still glad I made the change.

What I’ve noticed more than anything since subscribing to Twitter Blue is how much more active Trump supporters are on the site than I had previously realized. They’re fricking everywhere. I can post a tweet about how nice the weather is in Central Ohio, and it’s all but guaranteed at least one MAGAt will respond with something like, “Global warming is a hoax!” “Biden can’t take the heat!” or “Your mom!” I’ve actually enjoyed messing with Trumpers, because it’s helped reinforce the notion that MAGAts do exist; they’re dangerous; and they’re f*cking idiots. I’d like to now share with you some of my observations of Trumpanzees while being a member of Twitter Blue.

1)    Brokeback Hunter: They just can’t quit Hunter Biden. He is like their Chelsea Clinton of Barack Obamas – the child of a President, around whom they can surround any conspiracy theory. A plane crash? Hunter Biden was playing ATCHAF, or Air Traffic Controller High As F*ck. A death at a hospital? Hunter Biden injected them with a COVID vaccine. Hillary Clinton laughed? She heard a Hunter Biden joke. Apparently Republicans don’t believe in the sun, for Hunter Biden is the bright star around which their lives revolve.

2)    Repulsive Obsessive Perversion: Anymore, approximately 1 out of every 2 tweets posted by Republicans concerns children’s genitals. That is not a joke. Apparently, to the GOP, the LGBT community is solely about the sex. When they hear about a gay couple, they only think about penises in anuses. When they read about a lesbian couple, they only think about the porns they used to watch all those seconds ago. When they so much as catch a glimpse of anything regarding transgenders, they mistake them for drag-queens, and are somehow certain they’re all pedophiles trying to turn our kids into the opposite sex. I don’t care what the orientation is of a friend or family member of mine, I’m not going to be thinking about them having sex – no offense to them. Sexuality is an innate attraction to a particular gender or genders; it’s not equivalent to f*cking, rim-jobs, or a position I’m just going to make up, called the walrus plop. When a person tells me they’re straight, I don’t immediately go and think about their nether-region. I’m sure it’s lovely and all, but no thank you. So, if a person can hear about a heterosexual’s orientation and not think about sex, I’m sure GOPers can hear about a gay man, lesbian woman, bisexual identical twin, or transgender, and not think about it either. When it comes to transgenderism, conservatives seem hell-bent on the notion that kids as young as 4 are undergoing sex-change operations. This is NOT happening, and anyone who says otherwise doesn’t know their penis from their pancreas. Gender-reassignment surgery is incredibly rare in general, let alone for people in the 17-18 age range, and it’s next to non-existent for those under 17. So, stand back for a moment and cringe along with me, while I tell you this. Republicans have made up a non-existent problem over which to obsess. What is said obsession? Cutting off children’s genitals. How sick is that? I mean, it’d be one thing to delusionally obsess over a planet by the name of Jethro; it’s quite another to spend seemingly every waning moment thinking about cutting off children’s genitals. That’s just weird, gross, and wrong.

3)    Don’t like it? Edit.: MAGAts are terrible debaters. For one, the truth is never on their side, so they’re playing from behind from the outset. Here are some of their most famous debate tactics:

-        Projection: Oh, like their master Trump, they love this one. Every accusation is a confession. Their, dare I say “thought-“process is, “I snort Fun Dip,” so they blurt out, “Fun-Dip sniffer!”

-        Observe Nothingness: “Just look around you, bro!” Okay, I have a 5-year-old son, so I see a few dinosaur toys, Matchbox cars, crayons, and a Slinkie. What’s your point, bro?

-        Paranoia: Of course, when you counter with facts from reputable sources, their reaction is typically something along the lines of, “Facts are liberally-biased! Facts, fact-checkers, and fact-fuckers are all out to get me!”

-        Ahem, that’s satire…: I’ll often times see Trumpers post Onion articles as fact. When I point out the fact the Onion is satire, I garner this suspicion they’ve got a deer-in-the-headlights look to them, as they look up the word ‘satire’ and then Google ‘satire for dummies,’ before giving up and calling me an ‘onion.’

-        Photostupid: If there’s a picture of it, it has to be true, right? Yeah, it’s just like when I photoshopped myself between Sofia Vergara and Halle Berry on a bed in room 69 of the Bellagio, that was most definitely an accurate depiction of what had taken place that imaginary day.

4)    Cancel-Everything: When it comes to ‘cancel-culture,’ Republicans sure are the mega-hypocrites. They like to whine Democrats are at the forefront of this supposed ‘cancel-culture,’ yet they’ve boycotted: Bud Light, Starbucks, Miller Lite, the NFL, the NBA, Major League Baseball, “Hamilton,” PBS, the Washington Post, the New York Times, Target, Walmart, Chic-fil-A, Netflix, Amazon, Apple, food, water, air, books, sex on days ending in -y, you name it, they’ve tried to cancel it. Now if we could only get the NRA to partner with the LGBT community, perhaps they could boycott guns…

5)    Lord Trump: MAGAts truly believe Donald Trump is Jesus. I’m not kidding. Like Jesus, they feel Trump is the only one who can save this country. Like Jesus, they believe Trump is perfect. Hell, when Trump was first indicted, many of his followers contended the scenario was similar to Jesus’s crucifixion. Look, I don’t care if you’re a die-hard atheist or a far right-wing “Christian,” if you actually read the Bible, Jesus may have been a lot of things, but he wasn’t a hush money-paying, business record-falsifying, porn star named Stormy-f*cking guy. The only way Donald Trump is the savior is if we’re all unaware participants in a Mel Brooks film; the “Blazing Saddles”-director is God; and he’s laughing his little tuchus off right now.

That’s it for today’s episode. Until next time, you can find me at Amazon, Podbean, Twitter, Facebook, Blogger, and YouTube. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.