Donald Trump is the absolute worst when it comes to holiday greetings. Here's how I foresee said greetings over the next year.
Memorial Day: "Happy Memorial Day to all the fine men who died for our country and the losers who are supposed to be at home giving birth to babies, while cooking us the best meatloaf this side of Michael Lee Aday, may he rest in peace. Good guy. He always proved the saying right, you really are what you eat. I'm the same way. The reason why I'm the most macho man in recorded history is because I eat nothing but Village People records."
Juneteenth: "Happy whatever stupid day this is. What even is it? Like Black people invented June or something? Look, I like Black people. I once paid one to deliver me a few whoppers and diet Cokes. But, if anyone invented June, it was me, okay? I was born in June; I married my dear wife, Melanie, in a month that starts with 'j;' my middle name starts with 'j,' has 4 letters, and includes both continents and vowels. Let's face it, America, I am June, bigly."
Independence Day: "Happy independence to the freest country in the history of the world - the United Shtathes of America! Even the people who hate our freedom, like the radical liberals who think women should have choices! They're destroying our country, folks. More than half this nation is women, so the more freedom women have, the less free we are as a nation. Math."
Labor Day: "Happy Labor Day to the hardest working person ever - me! To all other people, get off your lazy asses and get back to work, while I continue my month-long golfing trip!"
Columbus Day: "Happy Columbus Day, America! Know why the evil Democrat Party hates this holiday? Because they hate that a patriotic white man discovered this great land! Well, guess what, Democrats? You're going to hate this holiday even more! From this day on, the Indians will be called American Indians! Cry and cope a little harder!"
Veterans' Day: "Happy Veterans' Day to all the brave people who like literally fought for our freedoms! They made it possible for people to get: arrested for protesting, banned for kneeling during our beautiful anthem, threatened for fact-checking. Truly, truly, thank you for your service. Unless you were captured. I prefer people who didn't get captured. No offense. Anyway, support our troops."
Thanksgiving: "Happy Thanksgiving to all the evil vegans and veterinarians, who don't celebrate this very special day the way it should be! Turkey, not tofu, folks. That's exactly what the great Abraham Lincoln - a Republican - said when he carved a turkey with a spork on the first Thanksgiving Sunday. True story, true story, folks."
Christmas: "Merry Christmas to all the good Christian Republicans and all the Satanic Demoncrats! Jesus was such a good Christian Republican, one of the best. Some people say I'm a lot like Jesus, that I even look like him. One difference, though? He wasn't 6'3", 224. Look at me. Do I not look better than Jesus? He only walked on water. I ran on that shit."
New Year's: "Happy New Year to Blowhard Barack Obama, Con-Man Hillary Clinton, Jovial Joe Biden, and all the other stoopid loser liberals and dum Democrats for making the past year such a bad one! My new year's resolution is to get rid of all of you, legally! This isn't a threat, but you're all dead, literally!"
MLK Day: "Happy MLK Day to nobody! Why does he have a holiday and I don't? What did he do that was so special? I don't get it. I just don't get it, folks. I have a dream, I have a dream that DEI DIE, bigly! Racism doesn't exist, never did. It's just a fact that white is right and black is whack. Again, no racism. If you think there is, you're definitely racist, and probably black. That's just how it is, folks."
#HappyEaster #TrumpIsUnfitForOffice
My podcast, "I Feel Snitty," can now be heard on Amazon Music/Audible! You can check it out at this link: https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/a42809aa-5c21-4807-affc-0bda98741438/I-Feel-Snitty-with-Craig-Rozniecki
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