Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 112: "The Made in 1776 Commission Report" is now available!

Podcast: I Feel Snitty

Episode 112: The Made in 1776 Commission Report

Premiere Date: 1/27/21

Length: 12:01 (1,788 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/the-made-in-1776-commission-report/

Transcript: 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 112, entitled, “The Made in 1776 Commission Report.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

On Martin Luther King Day, just two days before Donald Trump left office, the Trump Administration released their 1776 Commission Report. For those of you who haven’t heard of this report, it was the administration’s attempt at giving us a lecture on American history, as they saw it. In other words, it was a load of crap. I read the entire document, and it came across like if Ted Nugent rewrote the Bible.

I thought about dissecting the document line by line, but I honestly don’t want to subject listeners to that kind of pain and anguish. So, instead, I will attempt to satirize said document with my own ridiculous retelling of the already infamous 1776 Commission Report.

I. Introduction

America is the greatest country in the history of the world. Period. Our job here is done. Oh, we’re being told we must write some more. Very well. Rest assured we will write the greatest words in the history of the best language in history, bigly.

II. The Meaning of Declaration

Even though we obsess over spreading democracy to all parts of the world, the United States technically isn’t a democracy itself. It’s a republic, so because of that and the fact every author of this piece is a Republican, we shall refer to the American philosophy as Republicanism, in an attempt to further brainwash supporters of the greatest President in the history of the universe, Donald Trump.

The United States is the freest country in the world, because we have declared this. It’s like the great Abraham Lincoln once tweeted, “Freedom is like shotgun on a road trip. Once you call it, it’s all yours, bitches!”

III. A Constitution of Principles

So, get this: The Constitution was written well over 200 years ago, yet it reads like it was written last Tuesday. The Founders were obviously psychic, for they knew about Twitterpating before Twitterers even knew. They were firing AK-47s at rascally rabbits before they ever existed. They jumped on couches, in the name of Scientology, before it was cool. They knew it all, and more.

The Constitution is like the Chuck Norris of writings, for while there may be amendments, it was never amended; it mended itself, or something. The most important amendment is the Second. Why not the First, you ask? In the words of philosophizer So-Crates, when he was talking to Wolf Blitzer, “First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with a combover on his head.”

The Second Amendment, and we’re paraphrasing here, gives any species the right to fire bullets at anything, anytime, and anywhere, so long as it’s not a black kid firing a squirt gun. This is very important to maintain any semblance of law and order. A society where people aren’t allowed to shoot each other is one on the verge of chaos.

Now, it’d be nonsensical to not also discuss the importance of the First Amendment, which provides citizens with the freedoms of religion, speech, and press, but we must get this out of the way first: without the right to shoot people, you have no right to talk to people. That’s conman sense right there. Okay, having said that, it’s perfectly acceptable to believe in the invisible friend of your own choosing. If your child has an invisible friend, take him to the doctor to get checked and placed on some serious medications. If you worship an invisible friend, however, that is perfectly normal, and you could very well wind up becoming president someday – unless you’re Muslim. Free speech means you can lie as much as you’d like without your pants literally catching on fire. We have tried this. It never happens. Word of caution, though: Don’t lie while literally standing in a fire. That could prove our Founders were not perfect, and no one wants that – even Jesus. The freedom of the press? Eh, the more we talk about them, the less silent they are, and that’s what we really want – their silence. Moving on…

IV. Challenges to America’s Principles

Like a drunken blind kid playing darts after spinning harder than Kellyanne Conway post-Bowling Green Massacre, America likes a good challenge. Here are a few of his greatest such obstacles.

Slavery

Like the time your mother asked, “If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?,” when it comes to America and slavery, the answer is yes. Everyone was doing it, so we did too. You see, kids, that’s what makes America so unique and special – we do all the immoral things others are doing, just to fit in and be cool. Is killing wrong? Sure. But is it less wrong if everyone else is doing it? Of course. Don’t get cocky, though. You can only get away with this if you’re white, straight, have money, and yell through a megaphone that you believe in God. So, where were we? Ah, yes, slavery was bad, but we all did it, and we’re all slaves when you really think about it. So, when you think about it, slavery isn’t so much a moral issue; it’s an inevitable life issue. Yeah, that’s deep.

Progressivism

The laws of physics suggest that when a baby takes its first steps forward, it’s actually moving backward. That’s progressivism in a nutshell. America was once the perfect nation. We took the “Thou shalt not steal” Commandment to heart and kindly told the Natives to get the f*ck out. White men ruled; women drooled; bla – blacks were friends who were forced to work for us, you know, as friends do. We didn’t have to worry about competition from women, Arabs, Asians, Mexicans, our black friends, or the BLTs or whatever you call them. It was truly a land which celebrated equal opportunity and rights for all. Then progressivism got in the way. Progressivism is the fascism of inequality. In order to attain equality, we must be fascist against progressives. Logic 101, folks. 

Fascism

Fascism isn’t always good, though. Like pizza or sex, it can have its bad moments. Take Hitler, for instance. Well, actually, he’s the only instance. Next?

Communism

Speaking of bad dudes with weird mustaches, Groucho Marx was the founder of communism. It wasn’t supply and demand; it was even if you demand, they may not supply. As Groucho himself was known for saying, “No Duck Soup for you!” Who eats Duck Soup anyway? That doesn’t cure anyone. If you wanted Jewish Penicillin, who better to go to than Hitler? For the record, though, Hitler was a very bad man, just not as bad as Groucho Marx. Just thought we’d clear that up before the social media Nazis went ape – you know, the real Nazis.

Racism and Identity Politics

Racism is like gravity; it exists only because we say it does. This is what makes identity politics so problematic. By passing laws to protect non-Kevins and Karens, we’re thereby admitting racism is alive. The longer we keep claiming that it’s alive, the harder it will be to deny. When a hard, painful, ginormous lump appears on your body, what does your doctor always say? “Cover it up with a COVID mask and pretend it’s not there.” Yes, you could have been saved had you decided to admit the lump and get it treated, but as Bruce Willis once said, “In order to live free, you gotta die hard!”

V. The Task of National Renewal

As a country, we need to take the Viagra pill and rise again. Here’s how we accomplish that hard task.

The Role of the Family

Just like the President is the leader of the country, parents are the leaders of their households, of their children, and the only way for parents to successfully lead their children to successful lives is by voting for and worshiping a President who cheats on his wives; lies excessively; refuses to take responsibility for any of his actions; and essentially acts like a toddler. Like money, the godliness that is Donald Trump trickles down to children all across this great nation.

Teaching America

Just repeat after me. America is good. America is great. America is wonderful. America is good. America is great. America is wonderful. America is good. America is great. America is wonderful. America is good. America is great. America is wonderful.

A Scholarship of Freedom

There’s a reason why the words “false” and “facts” look so similar; it’s because often times, the facts our children are taught in college are false. We must find a way to turn these facts upside down by forming alternative universities. The Alternative Ivy League will be the cream of the crop, as it will include the following schools: Dartboard, Pale, Columbus, HardyHarHar, Ton of Pricks, Brown-Free, and the University of Pennis.

The American Mind

As Czech psychologist Sigmund Freud once wrote, “Penis envy began when American men felt insecurities due to their brains being larger than their balls.” Take it from the Frood dude, while we may be shriveling downstairs, we’re like, doing the opposite of that upstairs.

Reverence For the Laws

We must all be equal before the law, and we are. This is a well known fact at a future alternative university. When an unarmed black man picks up a banana, he is to be shot. When an armed white man shoots and kills multiple people, he is to be told he’s grounded; stand in the corner; count to 10; and then say, “Ready or not, here I come!” That’s equality before the law. When a black President wears a tan suit, he is to be scolded and perhaps even impeached. When a white “president” incites a domestic terrorist attack on the US Capitol, in an effort to undermine our republic, he is to be given a high-five and kindly told, “You know that probably wasn’t a very nice thing to do, right?,” so as not to hurt his precious feelings. That’s equality before the law. When persons of color protest the killing of unarmed black men in a peaceful manner, they are to be arrested on the spot. When white people riot and kill police officers, they are to be let off “Scott Free.” That’s equality before the law. Anyone who says otherwise doesn’t know their gluteus from their buttocks.

VI. Conclusion

As we wrote at the outset, America is the greatest country in the history of the world. Period. Our job here is done.

That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, you can check me out on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.