So, I got into an interesting conversation last night. As usual with this person, I took on the role as the shrink and her as my patient. This individual has even joked before about paying me for providing this very service. When we got to talking about her potential male dating prospects, she became more defensive than I've ever seen a person (well, it's close with one another - but I think even she pulls slightly ahead of him).
Earning three degrees in psychology, this conversation both fascinated and frustrated me. While she was pointing out what she determined to be flaws of these two men and reasons why she was hesitant on pursuing anything with either of them, I reiterated her statements and build upon them to make an even stronger case that she should be careful with both, if not just totally dismiss them and look elsewhere. After these statements, she became Ms. Defensive and I found it intriguing at first, but later found it to be rather frustrating and annoying.
Here she was telling me that one guy was coming on too strong (they've known each other for just a week) and that he was too young (and too nice) and has told me the other guy is too perverted and seems to only want her for the physical/sexual and she claims to want much more than that, also noting that she felt he was being disrespectful toward her.
So, I fed off that and noted the first guy's age probably wasn't of great importance if he at least acted maturely and his words/actions to this point have indicated that not only does he seem to act his age (very young), he may be acting even younger than that. She flipped out at this, claiming that I'm always negative, trying to turn the tables on me and my relationship woes and defending the guy as being mature. I simply stated that since she told me he was only 22 and had never met anyone online before, he was acting in a manner which showed that he's quite youthful, inexperienced, in essence - immature - and again, she got mighty defensive.
With regard to the second guy, I reiterated what she told me a couple weeks prior, which was that he was being disrespectful toward her, seemed only interested in sex and that while she has an attraction toward jerks (like him), she knows that's not right and wants to change that. I just replayed her very words right back to her and she again fipped out, telling me she never asked for my opinion, that I'm always negative and yada yada yada.
Like I said, I found this all to be interesting for a while, but as it felt like we were talking in circles, got rather old rather quickly. Upon completing the conversation, though, I was intrigued by her uber-defensiveness.
As I think this individual sums up such behavior quite accurately, I'll quote it below:
"The dictionary defines defensive as "a state or posture of defense". It is a reaction to someone else that comes from anxiety, fear, guilt or insecurity. Defensiveness is an emotional response rather than a logical one. Someone has hit a nerve. Someone has pushed a button. And off you go. You are reacting rather than acting. Look at the last time you snapped at someone, withdrew into a deadly silence, or played the blame game. You were probably being defensive. Defensiveness is an overreaction to the actions of another. It's taking things personally which are not. "
Her being so defensive led me to believe that she knew I was right. She may not have wanted to admit it, but deep down, something was gnawing away at her and she acting irrationally out of emotion as opposed to actual thought. She even apologized at one point for being so defensive, but then made an excuse, once again casting the blame on me and my opinions/negativity. As an outsider to her situation, I find her actions and reactions intriguing, yet perplexing. She painted these men in a negative light, with minimal positive words surrounding them. YET when I responded with words regarding these men in that same tone, suddenly I was inaccurate in my assessment, being too pessimistic and she felt the need to refute the claims I made which she made initially. Yes, I know - wild stuff!
Unfortunately, I think she's just suffering from loneliness, insecurity, anxiety and possibly depression. While she doesn't seem to like these men very much and isn't afraid to state that, she also wants some semblance of a social life and some hope of romance and for the time being, these two guys are all she has. If she lets them go, then what? Unfortunately, it seems as if she's leading them both on and especially in that first guy's case, he's likely to get his feelings hurt. I don't think the second's feelings will/would be phased quite as much since he appears to only be looking for something physical/sexual, but in any case, she's still leading him on as well.
http://www.kellevision.com/kellevision/2010/02/on-being-defensive.html
Earning three degrees in psychology, this conversation both fascinated and frustrated me. While she was pointing out what she determined to be flaws of these two men and reasons why she was hesitant on pursuing anything with either of them, I reiterated her statements and build upon them to make an even stronger case that she should be careful with both, if not just totally dismiss them and look elsewhere. After these statements, she became Ms. Defensive and I found it intriguing at first, but later found it to be rather frustrating and annoying.
Here she was telling me that one guy was coming on too strong (they've known each other for just a week) and that he was too young (and too nice) and has told me the other guy is too perverted and seems to only want her for the physical/sexual and she claims to want much more than that, also noting that she felt he was being disrespectful toward her.
So, I fed off that and noted the first guy's age probably wasn't of great importance if he at least acted maturely and his words/actions to this point have indicated that not only does he seem to act his age (very young), he may be acting even younger than that. She flipped out at this, claiming that I'm always negative, trying to turn the tables on me and my relationship woes and defending the guy as being mature. I simply stated that since she told me he was only 22 and had never met anyone online before, he was acting in a manner which showed that he's quite youthful, inexperienced, in essence - immature - and again, she got mighty defensive.
With regard to the second guy, I reiterated what she told me a couple weeks prior, which was that he was being disrespectful toward her, seemed only interested in sex and that while she has an attraction toward jerks (like him), she knows that's not right and wants to change that. I just replayed her very words right back to her and she again fipped out, telling me she never asked for my opinion, that I'm always negative and yada yada yada.
Like I said, I found this all to be interesting for a while, but as it felt like we were talking in circles, got rather old rather quickly. Upon completing the conversation, though, I was intrigued by her uber-defensiveness.
As I think this individual sums up such behavior quite accurately, I'll quote it below:
"The dictionary defines defensive as "a state or posture of defense". It is a reaction to someone else that comes from anxiety, fear, guilt or insecurity. Defensiveness is an emotional response rather than a logical one. Someone has hit a nerve. Someone has pushed a button. And off you go. You are reacting rather than acting. Look at the last time you snapped at someone, withdrew into a deadly silence, or played the blame game. You were probably being defensive. Defensiveness is an overreaction to the actions of another. It's taking things personally which are not. "
Her being so defensive led me to believe that she knew I was right. She may not have wanted to admit it, but deep down, something was gnawing away at her and she acting irrationally out of emotion as opposed to actual thought. She even apologized at one point for being so defensive, but then made an excuse, once again casting the blame on me and my opinions/negativity. As an outsider to her situation, I find her actions and reactions intriguing, yet perplexing. She painted these men in a negative light, with minimal positive words surrounding them. YET when I responded with words regarding these men in that same tone, suddenly I was inaccurate in my assessment, being too pessimistic and she felt the need to refute the claims I made which she made initially. Yes, I know - wild stuff!
Unfortunately, I think she's just suffering from loneliness, insecurity, anxiety and possibly depression. While she doesn't seem to like these men very much and isn't afraid to state that, she also wants some semblance of a social life and some hope of romance and for the time being, these two guys are all she has. If she lets them go, then what? Unfortunately, it seems as if she's leading them both on and especially in that first guy's case, he's likely to get his feelings hurt. I don't think the second's feelings will/would be phased quite as much since he appears to only be looking for something physical/sexual, but in any case, she's still leading him on as well.
http://www.kellevision.com/kellevision/2010/02/on-being-defensive.html
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