Podcast: I Feel Snitty
Episode 172: Paper Beats Kid Rock
Premiere Date: 1/25/2022
Length: 8:38 (1,383 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/paper-beats-kid-rock/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 172, entitled, “Paper Beats Kid Rock.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
Musician and man voted least attractive human person in a trailer park that goes by the name Meth-heads – Kid Rock, has released a new track so deplorable, I felt the need to dissect it.
The song, if you want to call it that, is called “We the People.” Trust me, it only gets better, er worse from there. Mom, if you’re listening, I’m sorry. Please remember I’m just quoting a :: ahem :: MAN who goes by the name Kid Rock.
The song starts with:
“We the people in all we do
Reserve the right to scream ‘Fuck you’”
Okay, so this is going to be a family anthem. Good to know. Moving on…
“(Hey-yeah) ow
(Hey-yeah) huh”
I probably shouldn’t dissect this bit, but I should note this is probably the most well written part of the song.
Toddler Rock next says:
“‘Wear your mask, take your pills’
Now a whole generation’s mentally ill
(Hey-yeah) man, fuck Fauci
(Hey-yeah)”
Wait, back up a second here. So, anyone who wears a mask or takes medication is mentally ill, or does this rule only apply to COVID? Surgeons wear masks. Are they all crazy? Women pop pills so they don’t give birth to Baby Kid Rock. Are they mentally ill? Villains in horror films often times wear masks. Are they…? Nevermind. As far as “fucking Fauci” goes, while I respect the man, I don’t “like” like him, so no thank you.
Off-His-Rocker continues:
“But COVID’s near, it’s coming to town
We gotta act quick, shut our borders down
Joe Biden does, the media embraces
Big Don does it and they call him racist”
Ah, here Kid Pebbles comes at us with what we in the thinking field call false equivalence. When the global pandemic peaked, countries across all 19 continents (just seeing if you were paying attention) condensed travel options in an attempt to help limit the spread of the virus which has now killed over 5.5 million worldwide. Donald Trump, meanwhile, attempted to ban travel from Muslim-dominated countries, because they were Muslim-dominated. If Biden had done this, with or without COVID present, it would have been racist. He didn’t, however, so our ruling in the thinking community? Trump’s decision – racist, Biden’s decision – not racist.
We now move on to the inevitable Grammy-winning chorus:
“We the people (ooh, let’s go Brandon)
We the people (ooh, let’s go Brandon)
We the people (ooh, let’s go Brandon)
We the people
Fuck Facebook, fuck Twitter too
And the mainstream media, fuck you too, too, too
(Woo) yeah, you
We the people (ooh, yeah)
We the people”
Okay, I should probably start by explaining the origin of the phrase “Let’s go, Brandon!” After NASCAR driver Brandon Brown won the 2021 Sparks 300 at Talladega Superspeedway, he was interviewed by NBC reporter Kelli Stavast. During the interview, some spectators behind the racer began chanting “Fuck Joe Biden,” because you know, they’re classy like that. Anyway, Ms. Stavast thought they were chanting “Let’s go, Brandon!,” since that was the first name of the winning driver and she gave a little too much credit to “the people.” So, yes, whenever you read or hear someone say, “Let’s go, Brandon!,” what they’re really saying is “Fuck Joe Biden!”
Having said all that, I have to marvel at the impeccable poetic skills of Premie Rock. Just listen to the lyrics when I translate the before-mentioned phrase to its actual meaning.
“We the people, ooh, fuck Joe Biden.”
Remove the “ooh” and we have, “We the people fuck Joe Biden.”
In other words, Kid Rock may have unintentionally written a song where he expresses his sexual fantasies for President Joe Biden. Hey, who am I to judge? Different strokes for different folks.
Onto verse #2:
“Inflation’s up, like the minimum wage
So it’s all the same, it ain’t a damn thing changed
(Hey-yeah
Hey-yeah)
You piece of shit, I don’t see color
‘Black lives matter,’ no shit motherfucker
(Hey-yeah
Hey-yeah)”
Okay, so Kid Gravel needs to explain his stance on minimum wage more, I think. Is he directly attributing the rise of inflation on minimum wage hikes? If so, does he feel it’s solely responsible or are there other factors? Inflation comes first in the verse, so if we take his wording chronologically, this would inevitably be a defense of minimum wage increases, for if inflation rises, we need wages to rise just to maintain the status quo. Adolescent Rock should really clarify all this in a sequel, but I digress. Moving onto the next bit, a white man says he doesn’t see color, and due to this, of course black lives matter. Hold up. So, he doesn’t see color, but admits to black people existing? Interesting. So, either Kid Snorting Rock does see color or he thinks everyone is black. If it’s the latter, I would like to add it to my bucket list for Kid Rock to look me square in the eyes and tell me, without any hint of a laugh or smile, that I’m black.
Now, get ready for it, Threenager Rock decides to go “Bohemian Rhapsody” on us and throw a totally unexpected curveball, or maybe in his case, a screwball or knuckler:
“But we gotta keep fighting for the right to be free
And every human being doesn’t have to agree
We all bleed red, brother, listen to me
It’s time for love and unity”
There it is! The artist formerly known as Kid Paper goes from saying, “Fuck all y’all” to “Hey, yo, I love each and every last one of you.” The song has now gone from Intermittent Explosive Disorder to Bipolar. Let’s see where Fetus Rock transitions…
“We the people (ooh, let’s go Brandon)
We the people (ooh, let’s go Brandon)
We the people (ooh, let’s go Brandon)
We the people
Fuck CNN, fuck TMZ
And you social media trolls, ya’ll can suck on deez (deez)
Deez nuts, that’s what’s up
We the people (ha-ha)”
Okay, yes, this song has a severe case of Bipolar Disorder. The guy segues from “It’s time for love and unity” to “suck on deez nuts.” The only possible defense he could have here is if he seriously believes that, by sucking on his nuts, it’ll bring about love and unity. Even then, I think it’d be scientifically more accurate to suggest sucking on his nuts would bring about gags and herpes, but whatever. Let’s move on to the final (thank God) verse and chorus.
“If you down with love and wanna make things better
All we gotta do is just come together
Weather the storm, and take my hand
Then follow my lead to the promised land
‘Cause we the people, we gotta unite
To follow that good time guiding light
Climb aboard this love boat
And rock that bitch up and down the coast
In order to form a more perfect union
Do ordain and establish the constitution for the United States of America
We the people (ooh, let’s go Brandon)
We the people (ooh, let’s go Brandon)
We the people (ooh, let’s go Brandon)
We the people
Standing up, and standing tall
‘Cause it’s all for one and it’s one for all
All, all, all
We the people (ooh)
We the people
Let’s go Brandon
Let’s go Brandon
Let’s go Brandon
Let’s go Brandon”
Dumb as Rocks now transitions from “suck deez nuts” to “let’s come together.” Okay, first of all, ew. Secondly, what in the hell was this guy on when writing this, eh, “piece”? Sweet dear baby Jebus… “Take my hand,” “head to the promised land,” “good time guiding light,” “love boat,” “rock the boat”? Wow, it just hit me. When Who’s Your Daddy Rock says “fuck X,” he’s saying he literally wants to fornicate with X. This isn’t a hate anthem nor a bipolar extravaganza; it’s Kid Rock’s fantasy of engaging in coitus with every breathing member of society.
With regard to his proposition, I’m going to have to say no. Why? Because I was “born free.”
That’s it for this episode. Until next time, you can check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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