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Musers Discuss Their Favorite Muse Songs

The world’s most famous satirical-news site, The Onion, has a regular feature called “slideshow” – where they tackle a topical issue by placing fictionalized, often times hilarious quotes attached to celebrities regarding said matter. In case you have no idea what I’m talking about, here’s just one example. - https://www.theonion.com/ceos-explain-how-they-will-protect-abortion-rights-1849134877

 

For whatever reason, I decided to concoct such a slideshow (void of any pictures, sorry), which pertains to Muse.

 

Musers Discuss Their Favorite Muse Songs

“Execution Commentary”

- “I play it all day, every day at work, so how could I not love it?” – a mortician

 

“Piano Thing”

- “I mean, it’s what I do; it’s what I teach; it’s what I know. Not to get technical, but that’s what I call all those doodad thingamajigs that make noise on it.” – a con-man posing as a pianist

 

“Jimmy Kane”

- “So, I once knew a guy who knew a guy who knew another guy who take care of some guys. We called him Jimmy the Cane. Hey, you never heard this from me. Capeesh?!?” – mob boss

 

“Big Freeze”

- “I think this song is proof enough that it’s all a Chinese hoax.” – climate-change denier

 

“Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want”

- “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! I want it and I want it now!” – a toddler or a politician

 

“Blackout”

- “I think this one is my favorite, but to be honest, I can’t fully remember.” – frat boy

 

“The Dark Side”

- “KOHHHH… KHUHH…” – Darth Vader

 

“Butterflies & Hurricanes”

- “It’s like science. You can’t have one without the other, because like the former causes the latter, bigly.” – Donald Trump

 

“Plug In Baby”

- “It hasn’t happened yet, but this song gives me hope it will, someday. I even made a deal with my online BFF, LuvULongTime4LotsaDime, that if it hasn’t happened by the time I’m 130, she’ll make it happen. So, I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.” – a virgin college gamer named Sheldon

 

“Supermassive Black Hole”

- “I’m so sick of the PC-crowd! This song just tells it like it is, instead of going the safe route and calling it some crap like ‘Supermassive African-American Hole.’ Keep it real, dudes!” – a Twitter troll

 

“You Funky Motherf*cker”

- “The song title is the EXACT nickname I’ve had for God knows how long. What can I say? I like MILFs.” – Benjamin Braddock (or Paul Finch, if you don’t get that reference)

 

“Where the Streets Have No Name”

- “The song reminds me of a simpler time, when I didn’t have to know everything, or help everyone. I could just be me, and not have a care nor worry in the world. I miss those days.” – a drunk Siri

 

“Uprising”

- “When I don’t have immediate access to the pill, and I need a quick, hopefully less-than-4-hour fix, I can always count on this song to provide that for me.” – a Viagra addict

 

“Undisclosed Desires”

- “I can’t keep bottling this up. I’m like a ginormous rocket ship, about ready to burst into space.” – Ron Burgundy

 

“Map of Your Head”

- “Okay, so up north is your forehead and hair, well, what little there is left. Let’s see, south we have the good ol’ butt-chin. Out east is that mole on your cheek you should probably get checked. Then west, hmm, looks like you missed a spot there, chief.” – a geography major, with a minor in being an annoying pain in the ass

 

“Hate This & I’ll Love You”

- “I love this song so much, because it’s like ironic to do so, you know?” – Alanis Morissette

 

“Eternally Missed”

- “This song really touches my heart, for it makes me realize, when I die, some people will know I’m dead, and they won’t be overjoyed by that.” – Debbie Downer’s death-is-half-full twin

 

“Soaked”

- “If I’ve said it once, I’ve sang it a million times – I’m only happy when this happens.” – Shirley Manson

 

“Compliance”

- “I’m gonna be honest; I love this song, because it makes me sound like really smart and shit. I mean, my favorite word is ‘complain,’ so this is just a fancier way of saying that – oh, and it always gets me a buttload of points, for real!” – someone who obviously cheats at Words With Friends

 

“Agitated”

- “This song makes me feel like Muse – Matt in particular – actually understands what I go through those awful few days every month.” - a guy PMSing

 

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You”

- “This is our song, me and I. It was made for us.” – a narcissist who goes by the name Buffalo Bill

 

“Break It to Me”

- “Alright, doc, so what’s the deal? I got this headache after banging my head against a wall a few hundred times; I badly bruised my right big toe after intentionally dropping a bowling ball on it; and am having trouble breathing when I plug my nose and cover my mouth at the same time. So, what is it, cancer?” – a hypochondriac

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