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What I learned in Week 1 of the NFL season...

In Week 1 of the NFL season, I learned that...

- ..., in 2017 the NFL asked, "What is a catch?," in 2018 the NFL is asking, "What is a tackle?," so in 2019 it's all but inevitable the NFL will ask, "What is a football?"

- ...Le'Veon Bell can be found on the dating site MeHarmony.com. For the record, he likes long, no-contact walks on the beach.

- ...Matt Ryan is still the champion of the Cleveland Browns-invented game of "I Bet You Can't Lose This!"

- ..., due to the atrociousness of their team, Buffalo Bills fans will take a page out of Colin Kaepernick's book and protest by taking a knee throughout the duration of their team's games this season.

- ...AARP President Adam Vinatieri is still playing.

- ...the New Orleans pee-wee cellar dweller is scheduled to teach the Saints how to play defense.

- ..., due to the implementation of this season's rules, a defender looking in the quarterback's direction for three Mississippis will result in a 15-yard unnecessary roughness penalty.

- ...Ben Roethlisberger has become more careless with balls than Trump University in employing their Hooked on Phonics majors.

- ..., when asked who his perfect player would be, Andy Reid emphatically stated, "A Usain Bolt/Danny DeVito hybrid."

- ...Arizona's offense looks worse than Anthony Weiner's post-polar bear plunge Instagram photos.

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