The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

In Week 16 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ...Phil Collins wrote the song "Invisible Touch" as a psychic vision of Pittsburgh Steelers cornerback Joe Haden's pass interference calls on Sunday against the New Orleans Saints. - ... Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin and Georgia head coach Kirby Smart will co-author the book,  Faking Punts: For Dummies By Dummies . - ...the FBI is currently investigating the Baltimore Ravens defense, for when asked about their diets, they all said, "Like Jeffrey Dahmer, human flesh!" - ..., it's being reported that, once his playing days are done, Philadelphia Eagles tailback Darren Sproles will be the central figure on a Disney show entitled,  The Little Shit That Could . - ...Tony Romo loves football more than a jolly obese white guy in a red hat and coat, who apparently stole a bunch of material items to break into people's homes to share these stolen items, likes cookies. - ...a double-rainb...

Last year, I eclipsed my previous record for blog views in a single day with 11,111 ( https://thekind-heartedsmartaleck.blogspot.com/2017/10/new-blog-reader-record.html ). Well, as I discovered just a couple minutes ago, I surpassed that one day total in a big way yesterday, with 72,564 views. Thank you dear readers for helping me achieve that record! I hope I can continue to entertain you in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead. Happy Holidays. Cheers!

What is it with these wackier-than-usual conservative columns of late? Tis the season to be crazy? The latest in the growing list comes courtesy of John Sweeney at The Federalist . His article is titled, "You're Not Allowed To Knock Trump For Stormy Daniels If You Watch Porn." No, this is not a joke. Stop laughing. Okay, you can laugh, but follow along as you do so. Thanks. Sweeney starts his whatever you want to call it with this: "Many have been quick to judge President Trump for his affair with pornography creator Stormy Daniels, and rightfully so. But Donald Trump is not the first man to cheat on his wife with an onscreen prostitute this year. Presumably, thousands of men engage in adulterous behavior with pornographers and strippers every day." Really? There are that many strippers and pornographers in central Ohio? I had no idea... Culturally we may not believe it, but each time a married man watches pornography, he commits an act of adultery. This...

Fox News columnist David Bossie wrote a piece the other day which I feel the need to rebut. It's titled, "Attacks on Trump ignore all the things he's accomplished." Now, the technical definition of accomplishment is "to achieve something successfully," but when most people hear the term, they tend to affiliate it with something positive. After the news reports a murder, you don't often hear observers say, "Well, that's an accomplishment." No, we tend to hear such a response in light of some good news, like graduating from college, getting a job, etc. Keeping that in mind, let's dissect Bossie's "piece." "Hardworking American taxpayers who believe in commonsense conservative ideals have many reasons to feel good about President Trump's job performance during his first two years in office." "Commonsense conservative"? I see Mr. Bossie is a fan of oxymorons... "By any measurement, this pre...

In Week 15 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ...95% of dogs immediately run into their backyards after hearing Tony Romo scream, thinking it was some kind of strange of animal. - ..., even as a rotting corpse, Elvis Presley scores more than the New York Giants and Dallas Cowboys. - ..., due to Aaron Rodgers throwing an interception, we will have to endure 3 more months of winter. - ...Buffalo's so short on running backs, they're toying with the idea of placing a lineman in the Wildcat formation. They will call this the Wild Hippo. - ..., after seeing them perform on Saturday night, it's all but inevitable that the Denver Broncos and Cleveland Browns will star in an off-season porno, entitled, Playing with Chubbs. - ..., if talking produced babies, Philip Rivers would have closer to 9 trillion kids than 9. - ...Los Angeles Chargers head coach Anthony Lynn has balls the size of Uranus. - ...the Kansas City Chiefs will soon pen the book, Defending a 2-Poin...

There are two main purposes for my social media accounts, Twitter in particular: 1) To inspire positive change globally and 2) To garner more recognition individually. In order to do this, I try to keep my 96.7k followers informed (among others); stimulate thought and civil discussion; and prompt laughter. I regularly try to share information about different writings of mine, books, radio show/podcast appearances, etc. Honestly, when I started on Twitter, I had no idea what I was doing. Now I kind of feel like a pro. I try to interact with my fans and followers as much as time allows for it, but I can only respond to so many posts and questions in a given day. Also, while most of my interactions with followers have been positive, there have been occasions when this has been anything but the case. One such instance happened just today, which I'll delve into now. A follower told me, "I've been noticing you posting some bad headlines lately. What's up with that?" A...

Just last week, I awarded Hill columnist Joe Concha with Douche of the Week for his piece, "Time fumbles another Person of the Year' by excluding Kavanaugh." After posting about this on Twitter, Mr. Concha actually responded. Here's how our brief back-and-forth basically went: Him: "Do you know the criteria for the award?" Me: "'The person or persons who most affected the news and our lives, for good or ill, and embodied what was important about the year.' So, to answer your question, yes." Me: "The only way Kavanaugh affected my life was by prompting immature laughter at a new term I learned courtesy of him - boofing ." Him: "If you have a beef with it, take it up with Time then." Him: "How did Hitler and Stalin win the award then?" Me: "I didn't write a column about a beef I had with it; you did. Project much?" Him: "This has to be the dumbest attempt at a conversation I'v...

The Top Ten Future Donald Trump/David Pecker-Related Headlines 10) "Pecker's Testimony Against Trump Has Both Length And Girth" 9) "When Pecker Gets Up, Trump Goes Down" 8) "Hung Like A Horse? More Like Hung By A Pecker!" 7) "Peckers' Lives Matter" 6) "Another Pecker Sticking It To Donald Trump" 5) "Peckerophobia Penetrates Deep Inside The White House" 4) "Trump Has A Serious Pecker Problem" 3) "A Pecker That Can't Literally F*ck Him But Can Screw Him All The Same" 2) "For The President, This Pecker Could Cause More Than Itching And Burning" 1) (drumroll) "To Prevent The Spread Of Unwanted News, Trump Really Needs To Cover Up This Pecker"

Right-wing Hill columnist Joe Concha decided to chime in with his take on TIME magazine's Person of the Year award. The winners of the award were "The Guardians and the War on Truth," with Robert Mueller finishing in 2nd. Before delving into Concha's column, the official criteria for the award is "the person or persons who most affected the news and our lives, for good or ill, and embodied what was important about the year." Having said that, here were the finalists for the award: - Donald Trump - Separated Families - Vladimir Putin - Robert Mueller - Ryan Coogler - Christine Blasey Ford - Jamal Khashoggi - March For Our Lives Activists - Moon Jae-in - Meghan Markle So who did Concha think should have been added to that list? Brett Kavanaugh. The right-wing shill attempted to rationalize this by writing the following: "If Ford is being considered, why not the person she accused of attempting to sexually assault her 36 years a...

As my 96k+ Twitter followers should know by now, I specialize in snark/satire, especially on the political front. Roughly 95% of the responses I receive are appreciated. These consist of: Likes, retweets, compliments, additional snark, humorous gifs, etc. There is one type of response which slightly aggravates me, however: the accusatory add-on. This is when a person comments on a joke with something like, "You forgot x." or "Y. There, fixed it for you." Can you imagine if this is how fans/audience members responded to stand-up comedians? George Carlin: "Bowling isn't a sport because you have to rent the shoes." Audience member 1: "Hey, you forgot about sticking your fingers in holes!" Audience member 2: "Yeah, or sometimes your balls get stuck!" Audience member 3: "...and what about those bumpers?" Audience member 1: "Jeff, is that you?" Audience member 3: "Yeah! Tony?!?" Audience membe...

In Week 14 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ...the Derrick Henry stiff-arm will likely soon be outlawed in 22 states. - ...either fat ladies don't sing there or no fat ladies are present in Miami. - ...Rob Gronkowski will soon invest in Velcro shoes. - ...it was on Pittsburgh Steelers place-kicker Chris Boswell's bucket list to one-up Mark Sanchez's butt-fumble with a butt-field goal. - ..., given the awful officiating this season, the NFL will now require referees to possess at least 10/20 vision. - ..., when in Oakland, Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin suffers from the rare disorder of sleep-coaching. - ...the Los Angeles Rams enjoy cold-weather games about as much as George Costanza enjoys cold-watered pools. - ...Troy Aikman's eyes are more blood-shot than Snoop Dogg's at a Pink Floyd concert on 4/20. - ... Baltimore Ravens quarterback Lamar Jackson drops more balls than a blind juggler suffering from narcolepsy. - ...a solar ...

On December 10th, 2018 at 9 am EST, we were presented with the worst article of the year. Via The Hill , right-wing shill Sharyl Attkisson released an op-ed entitled, "Mueller's findings don't matter." It only got worse from there. Let's dissect it now, shall we? Attkisson started her piece (of garbage) with this: "In part, it's the length of time that it's taken that has rendered special counsel Robert Mueller's probe functionally irrelevant." Tell that to the 33 individuals who have been charged thus far... "I submit that the die was largely cast prior to Mueller's appointment on May 17, 2017. Perhaps if there had been a quick investigation with prompt findings inside of a couple of months, things might be different. But nearly 19 months of speculation, breathless leaks and innuendo - true and false - have taken on lives of their own, providing time for each side to dig in." Apparently Ms. Attkisson believes federal ...

More times than not I agree with political-correctness. I'm also not a big fan of Kevin Hart's comedy (or films). Having said that, I think him losing his Oscars-hosting gig due to a couple of age-old homophobic tweets is going a bit far. Why do we seem to hold comedians to a higher standard than politicians? If Donald Trump had to resign due to an offensive tweet, the guy would never have lasted through the Republican Primary, let alone the general election. Comedians get paid to push the envelope. Sometimes they may go too far, but that's part of the gig. When it comes to their comedy, the big question with regard to socially-sensitive issues like homophobia is, "Is this the epitome of a homophobic comedian or is this a comedian who has dabbled with homophobic jokes in the past, but said jokes aren't representative of his/her material on the whole?" Hart's tweets were certainly homophobic, but they were from years ago, and it appears as though he's...

Stand-up comedian Hannah Gadsby sparked headlines with her recent speech at the Hollywood Reporter Women in Entertainment event. Before I add my two cents, here's her speech in its entirety: "I want to speak about the very big problem I have with the good men, especially the good men who take it upon themselves to talk about the bad men. I find good men talking about bad men incredibly irritating, and this is something the good men are doing a lot of at the moment. Not this moment, not this minute, because the good men don’t have to wake up early for their opportunity to monologue their hot take on misogyny. They get prime-time TV and the late shows. I’ll tell you what, I’m sick of turning my television on at the end of the day to find anywhere up to 12 Jimmys giving me their hot take. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with the Jimmys and the Davids and the other Jimmys — good guys, great guys. Some of my best friends are Jimmy. But the last thing I need right now ...

I may be weird, but I've never been a huge fan of Christmas music. It's the same songs every year, repeated time and time again for a couple months, mostly centering around a make-believe story most parents use as a lie in order to manipulate their kids into being "good" for 365 days, whatever that word really means. Having said that, though, after hearing about Cleveland's WDOK radio station banning the classic Christmas song "Baby, It's Cold Outside" due to its potentially sexist/ableist messages, even I said, "Isn't this going a little far?" After announcing its decision, host Glenn Anderson wrote this on the station's website: "I do realize that when the song was written in 1944, it was a different time, but now while reading it, it seems very manipulative and wrong. The world we live in is extra sensitive now, and people get easily offended, but in a world where #MeToo has finally given women the voice they deserve, th...

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has decided to take their message to Twitter. In a pair of tweets which have garnered some attention, the organization said this: - "Words matter, and as our understanding of social justice evolves, our language evolves along with it. Here's how to remove speciesism from your daily conversations." - "Just as it became unacceptable to use racist, homophobic, or ableist language, phrases that trivialize cruelty to animals will vanish as more people begin to appreciate animals for who they are and start 'bringing home the bagels' instead of the bacon." In addition to that cliché alteration, PETA recommends these: Instead of "Kill two birds with one stone.," say "Feed two birds with one scone." Instead of "Be the guinea pig.," say "Be the test tube." Instead of "Beat a dead horse.," say "Feed a fed horse." Instead of "Take the bul...

Leading up to the 2016 presidential election, when discussing the candidates with avid Trump supporters, here were their most common talking points about the individual they planned on voting for: - "He's not the typical politician. He's an outsider." - "He just tells it like it is." - "He fears nothing/nobody." - "He's not going to be bought out by lobbyists and special interest groups. He's campaigning with his own money." - "The guy's a billionaire. He knows business. America is a business. He should be given a shot to run this business." While the first talking point may be partially accurate, the middle three have been debunked time and time again. The last talking point was the most oft-used and the one I want to focus on today. As the Mueller probe continues, it's becoming increasingly less clear just how much money Donald Trump possesses or is worth. It's also becoming increasingly more ...

I was between 8 and 12 years old when George H.W. Bush was president. At that time, I followed politics about as closely as a meteorologist follows flurries in Buffalo. Pretty much all I remember about him during that time are: 1) His rather distinct voice; 2) "Read my lips - no new taxes;" 3) Desert Storm; and 4) That he was a Republican; and 5) Dana Carvey doing a spot-on impression of him on Saturday Night Live . So, safe to say, 99% of what I've learned about the man have come in the years after his presidency. It's pretty amazing, in this day and age, to stand back and look at how the Republican Party has changed over the past several decades. Look at where they are today. Whether they like to admit it or not, Donald Trump has become the face of the party. His ideology now coincides with that of the GOP. While the party was shifting rightward during the late Bush's years as president, it was still in that transition stage between moderate, civil, respectabl...

The College Football Playoff Committee's job was easier than normal this year. The top three selections were easy ones to make: Undefeated SEC Champion Alabama, undefeated ACC Champion Clemson, and undefeated Notre Dame. I haven't heard anyone complain about Alabama or Clemson making the field of four. There have been occasional gripes made about Notre Dame making the field, but come on. As one of only four undefeated teams in all of college football, a team who defeated the likes of Michigan, Northwestern, and Syracuse, among others, deserves to be in the playoff. So the real debate centers around the #4 spot between Oklahoma, Georgia, Ohio State, and Central Florida. It seems as though the college football world is divided on what the main criteria for being playoff-selected should be. Roughly 50% think it should be based on which four teams have most earned a spot and the other 50% think, regardless of whether or not they earned it, the four best teams should be selected....

In Week 13 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ..., in Chicago, Akiem Hicks is now known as the mini-fridge. William Perry strongly agrees.  - ...even eagles and pilots don't recognize Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers without his goatee. - ...when proposing to Gisele, Tom Brady probably took a knee on one of her feet.  - ...Jeff Driskel is who Cincinnati Bengals' fans have long been wishing for - meaning he's the guy who will help finally end the Marvin Lewis tenure. There's a reason his initials of JD sound so similar to JC... - ...it now appears that, after his playing days are done, Seattle Seahawks place-kicker Sebastian Janikowski will either start singing opera or become a contestant on the show  The Biggest Loser . - ... , at the next Olympics, New York Giants tailback Saquon Barkley will compete in the following events: High jump, long jump, triple jump, 40-meter dash, hurdles, and a new one called "making something ou...