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What I learned in Week 1 of the NFL season...

In Week 1 of the NFL season, I learned that...

- ...even J. Lo is calling A.B. a diva.

- ...regardless of position, if Ace Ventura tried out for the Miami Dolphins, he'd be a starter.

- ...Baker Mayfield is bipigskinsexual, for when on a football field, the guy goes both ways.

- ...Patrick Mahomes could even make a hungover Gary Busey look good.

- ...it's only a matter of time before the NFL holds a Pay-Per-View shot-put competition between Lamar Jackson and Philip Rivers.

- ...the Patriots nabbed Antonio Brown via a coffee shop meeting between Bill Belichick and A.B.'s actual agent, George Costanza.

- ..., for how his team blew an 18-point 4th quarter lead against the Arizona Cardinals on Sunday, Detroit Lions head coach, Matt Patricia, should probably replace the pencil behind his ear with a pink slip.

- ...Jameis Winston will likely start a petition to change what quarterbacks throw, so he's more comfortable and doesn't throw as many interceptions. So, stolen crab legs...

- ...you have a better chance of walking on water while turning said water into wine than of overturning a pass interference call.

- ...you're guaranteed four things in New Orleans: 1) Jazz, 2) Good food, 3) Great parties, and 4) Non-stop talk about missed pass interference calls from last year.

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