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What I learned in Week 5 of the NFL season...

In Week 5 of the NFL season, I learned that...

- ...the Miami Dolphins really do look better on bye weeks.

- ...the Cincinnati Bengals are rumored to be writing the book, "101 Ways to Lose a Football Game."

- ..., after winning their game in London, Oakland head coach Jon Gruden is starting a petition to rename next year's team to the Las Vegas Bloody Wankers.

- ..., due to his brother getting fired by Washington, Little Chucky (Jon Gruden) is officially praying for Former Redskin Chucky.

- ...Baker Mayfield stares down his receivers like a drunk man nicknamed Creepy Craigsy stares down Sofia Vergara if she were a waitress at Hooters.

- ...the Atlanta Falcons give up touchdowns in their sleep. Seriously, the entire team has been diagnosed with noctasuckism.

- ..., given his lack of knowledge on just about everything, it's now being assumed "Monday Night Football" announcer Booger McFarland will soon replace Betsy DeVos as the Secretary of Education.

- ..., Christian McCaffrey will soon be the God of a cult, where he'll sacrifice his body throughout the week, only to score three days later. This day will be known as Good Sunday.

- ...Nick Bosa apparently eats Brownies for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a midnight snack.

- ..., when picking NFL games this year, experts recommend the eeny-meeny-miny-moe method.
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