Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 29: "The GOP Puts the 'Liar' in 'Trial' (Part 2)," is now available!
Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"
Episode 29: The GOP Puts the "Liar" in "Trial" (Part 2)
Premiere Date: 2/1/20
Length: 10:52 (1,683 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/the-gop-puts-the-liar-in-trial-part-2/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 29, entitled, “The GOP Puts the ‘Liar’ in ‘Trial’ (Pt. 2).” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
In part 1 of this series, I satirized the opening statements in the impeachment trial of Donald Trump. Here in part 2, I will satirize the question-and-answer portion of it. Here we go…
Chief Justice John Roberts: “Minority Leader Schumer, you are recognized.”
Chuck Schumer: “Thank you. I’d like to send a question to the desk.”
Roberts: “This question is for the president’s counsel. ‘Why are you so stupid?’”
Jay Sekulow: “I’m not stupid; you’re stupid, stupid-head!”
Roberts: “Thank you, counsel. Majority Leader McConnell, you are recognized.”
Mitch McConnell: “Ah, yes, I have a question for the president’s counsel.”
Roberts: “Very well. The question reads, ‘As communist Stephen Colbert once asked about George W. Bush, is Donald Trump a great president or the greatest president?”
Alan Dershowitz: “Well, he’s a great president, no doubt, but when you say greatest, what do you mean exactly? Does this include the presidents of Russia, Syria, England, Timbuktu, and Germany? Do presidents from TV shows or movies count? I’m so befuddled by this question. I could spend hours on it. Speaking of which…”
Roberts: “The counsel’s time has expired.”
Dershowitz: “Just a couple more hours, please, Chief Justice.”
Roberts: “No. Minority Leader Schumer, you are recognized.”
Schumer: “I have a question for the House Managers.”
Roberts: “Okay, the question is, ‘What’s worse, undermining a democracy or receiving a blowjob?”
Adam Schiff: “Thank you for that question, Senator. I’m so glad you brought that up, if you catch my drift. Anyway, so long as the blowjob is between two consenting adults, I don’t have a big problem with it. Undermining democracy, however, is another story altogether. Whether the country consents to the assault by the president or not, it’s not right. Do we have no concept of right or wrong anymore? That reminds me of a story…”
Roberts: “House Manager, your time is up. Senate Majority Leader, you are recognized.”
McConnell: “I have a question for the defense team.”
Roberts: “Thank you. The question reads, ‘Who’s sexier - Barack Obama in a tan suit or President Trump in his birthday suit?’”
Dershowitz: “I wouldn’t know, because no matter the occasion, I make certain myself and all those around me are always wearing underwear.”
Roberts: “Senate Minority Leader, you are recognized.”
Schumer: “This question goes to both the House Managers and the President’s Counsel.”
Roberts: “We’ll start with the House Managers this time and then alternate. The question is, ‘If everything else about this case were the same, except for the fact Barack Obama was president, would you vote to allow for documents and witnesses to be presented at this trial?”
Schiff: “Yes, of course. Consistency with regard to impeachment is critical to maintaining integrity in this chamber of Congress. If and when a president bribes a foreign ally at war and withholds military aid, which had already been approved by Congress, and only agrees to provide said funding if this ally announces a phony investigation on the president’s potential next election opponent, he or she should be impeached and removed from office. Exclamation point. Exclamation point. Exclamation point. Excla…”
Roberts: “Your time is up. The President’s Counsel now has two and a half minutes to respond.”
Sekulow: “Mr. Schiff is right. It is all about consistency, which is why, while we disapprove of allowing in documents or witnesses at this impeachment trial for Donald Trump, we would approve of it for Barack Obama, because it’d just be the right thing to do. …that and he’s black.”
Roberts: “What was that, counsel?”
Sekulow: “Nothing. I just said I wasn’t racist.”
Roberts: “That’s not what I heard. Moving on. Majority Leader McConnell, you are recognized.”
McConnell: “Yes, Senator Paul and I would like to send a question to the desk.”
Roberts: “I will not read this question.”
McConnell: “Why not?”
Roberts: “You’re asking me to out the name of an alleged whistleblower. I’m not going to do that.”
McConnell: “What if you just replace that person’s name with Melanie?”
Roberts: “No”
McConnell: “How about Jared?”
Roberts: “No”
McConnell: “Kay Jewelers?”
Roberts: “No”
McConnell: “The shake weight?”
Roberts: “For the last time, no! Minority Leader Schumer, you are recognized.”
Schumer: “This question is for the House Managers.”
Roberts: “Okay, here is the question: ‘Can a trial actually be a trial without documents or witnesses?’”
Schiff: “Well, no, of course it can’t. Now, I think the defense too often compares this case to a criminal trial, as you do not need to prove criminal guilt beyond a reasonable doubt to impeach and remove a president from office, but you do need to prove criminal guilt beyond a reasonable doubt in a criminal trial. However, having said that, I’m now going to do similarly. What would your reactions have been if, in the O.J. trial, the prosecution and defense provided their opening statements and the jury then debated on the verdict? Not very happy, I imagine. What is a trial without documents or witnesses? A joke. A stupid, asinine joke, and not a funny one. If you thought Laffy Taffy jokes were bad, they’re nothing compared to a trial without documents and witnesses. There you go, ladies and gentlemen, I said it - this here is the Laffy Taffy of trials. Soak that in for a while.”
Roberts: “Majority Leader, you are recognized.”
McConnell: “Yes, Senators Cruz, Graham, and I would like to ask House Manager Schiff a question.”
Roberts: “Very well. Mr. Schiff, the question by Senator McTurtle and the others is, ‘Why?’”
Schiff: “Thank you, Senators for that question. The answer is because Donald Trump is a liar, a fraud, a criminal, a traitor. He is everything that is wrong with the human race all jumbled into one person. He cares about no one other than himself. He’s weak, cowardly, selfish, ignorant, and smells like decade-old Cheetos. Besides that, though, he’s great.”
Roberts: “Wow… Senate Minority Leader, you are now recognized.”
Schumer: “I’m sending a question for the president’s counsel.”
Roberts: “Mr. Schumer’s question reads, ‘Echoing Senators Cruz, Graham, and McTurtle, ‘Why?’”
Dershowitz: “What? Why? Why not? I mean, how? Where? What again? Why? We don’t know. Next question.”
Roberts: “The next question goes Senate Majority Leader McConnell.”
McConnell: “This question is for the president’s counsel.”
Roberts: “Thank you. The question is, ‘Are you as bleeping scared as we are about Lev Parnas and John Bolton?’”
Sekulow: “No! He’s never met either of them! Those are fake clips! Fake pictures! Fake videos! Fake pee-pee tapes!”
Roberts: “Pee-pee tapes, counsel?”
Sekulow: “Yes, I have them, Chief Justice.”
Roberts: “You what?”
Sekulow: “I mean, I was in them.”
Roberts: “You were?”
Sekulow: “I mean, he was in me in them.”
Roberts: “You seem to be digging yourself into a progressively deeper hole, counsel.”
Sekulow: “Speaking of holes…”
Roberts: “Counsel, are you sure you want to go there?”
Sekulow: “Already did. Okay, I’m done. Thanks, Chief Justice.”
Roberts: “Senate Minority Leader, you are now recognized.”
Schumer: “This question goes to the president’s counsel.”
Roberts: “Okay, it reads, ‘Some of you have contended President Trump is guilty of committing the acts outlined in the two articles of impeachment, yet have stated you will vote to acquit. How does that make sense? If you were on an actual jury, thought the defendant was guilty beyond a reasonable doubt, would you vote not guilty?’”
Dershowitz: “Well, yes. If, say, it’s a murder trial, there’s video evidence to prove the defendant did it, and he even confessed to it, I would tell my fellow jurors, ‘Look, the guy did it. Not guilty.’ That’s just the right thing to do. Look, the word ‘guilty’ derives from the word ‘gill,’ like on a fish. Fish stink. Guilt stinks, so if a person did something bad, they stink, but you don’t want them to stink, so you vote not guilty.”
Roberts: “Majority Leader McConnell, you are recognized.”
McConnell: “Yes, this goes to the defense team.”
Roberts: “It reads, ‘Are you as bored as we are? What are you doing later? It’s bingo night at the G-Spot Lounge.’ Okay, there’s really no need for the defense to answer this question. Okay, there’s time for one additional question to be asked by each side. Senate Minority Leader Schumer, you are recognized.”
Schumer: “This question goes to the House Managers.”
Roberts: “The question reads, ‘Is there anything else you’d like to say today?’”
Schiff: “For anyone watching today, I think they’ve seen a stark contrast between the two parties. While the president’s defense team has treated these proceedings as a joke, we have displayed that we care about this country, its people, and the truth. What is a trial without documents or witnesses? What is a presidency without any sort of limitation? What is a country without a rule of law which applies to everybody? This is the United States of America, dammit! Did you on the other side forget that? You say you care about freedom, the Bible, the Constitution, and our troops, but I’m beginning to think that’s a bunch of malarkey. If you vote to block documents and witnesses, you will essentially undo the Constitution and rule of law. You will turn this country into a monarchy. You will be spitting in the face of our founders. You will…”
Roberts: “Your time is up. Senate Majority Leader McConnell, you are recognized.”
McConnell: “Thank you, Mr. Chief Justice. I’m sending my question up to the desk.”
Roberts: “This question is for the president’s counsel. It says, ‘What the other guy asked last time, yeah, that same one.’ That‘s not even a question. Would either party like to make any final comments? I see the defense is shaking their heads no. House
Managers? Yes? Go ahead.”
Schiff: “Yeah. Everything those guys said today is total bullshit.”
Roberts: “Adjourned.”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
Episode 29: The GOP Puts the "Liar" in "Trial" (Part 2)
Premiere Date: 2/1/20
Length: 10:52 (1,683 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/the-gop-puts-the-liar-in-trial-part-2/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 29, entitled, “The GOP Puts the ‘Liar’ in ‘Trial’ (Pt. 2).” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
In part 1 of this series, I satirized the opening statements in the impeachment trial of Donald Trump. Here in part 2, I will satirize the question-and-answer portion of it. Here we go…
Chief Justice John Roberts: “Minority Leader Schumer, you are recognized.”
Chuck Schumer: “Thank you. I’d like to send a question to the desk.”
Roberts: “This question is for the president’s counsel. ‘Why are you so stupid?’”
Jay Sekulow: “I’m not stupid; you’re stupid, stupid-head!”
Roberts: “Thank you, counsel. Majority Leader McConnell, you are recognized.”
Mitch McConnell: “Ah, yes, I have a question for the president’s counsel.”
Roberts: “Very well. The question reads, ‘As communist Stephen Colbert once asked about George W. Bush, is Donald Trump a great president or the greatest president?”
Alan Dershowitz: “Well, he’s a great president, no doubt, but when you say greatest, what do you mean exactly? Does this include the presidents of Russia, Syria, England, Timbuktu, and Germany? Do presidents from TV shows or movies count? I’m so befuddled by this question. I could spend hours on it. Speaking of which…”
Roberts: “The counsel’s time has expired.”
Dershowitz: “Just a couple more hours, please, Chief Justice.”
Roberts: “No. Minority Leader Schumer, you are recognized.”
Schumer: “I have a question for the House Managers.”
Roberts: “Okay, the question is, ‘What’s worse, undermining a democracy or receiving a blowjob?”
Adam Schiff: “Thank you for that question, Senator. I’m so glad you brought that up, if you catch my drift. Anyway, so long as the blowjob is between two consenting adults, I don’t have a big problem with it. Undermining democracy, however, is another story altogether. Whether the country consents to the assault by the president or not, it’s not right. Do we have no concept of right or wrong anymore? That reminds me of a story…”
Roberts: “House Manager, your time is up. Senate Majority Leader, you are recognized.”
McConnell: “I have a question for the defense team.”
Roberts: “Thank you. The question reads, ‘Who’s sexier - Barack Obama in a tan suit or President Trump in his birthday suit?’”
Dershowitz: “I wouldn’t know, because no matter the occasion, I make certain myself and all those around me are always wearing underwear.”
Roberts: “Senate Minority Leader, you are recognized.”
Schumer: “This question goes to both the House Managers and the President’s Counsel.”
Roberts: “We’ll start with the House Managers this time and then alternate. The question is, ‘If everything else about this case were the same, except for the fact Barack Obama was president, would you vote to allow for documents and witnesses to be presented at this trial?”
Schiff: “Yes, of course. Consistency with regard to impeachment is critical to maintaining integrity in this chamber of Congress. If and when a president bribes a foreign ally at war and withholds military aid, which had already been approved by Congress, and only agrees to provide said funding if this ally announces a phony investigation on the president’s potential next election opponent, he or she should be impeached and removed from office. Exclamation point. Exclamation point. Exclamation point. Excla…”
Roberts: “Your time is up. The President’s Counsel now has two and a half minutes to respond.”
Sekulow: “Mr. Schiff is right. It is all about consistency, which is why, while we disapprove of allowing in documents or witnesses at this impeachment trial for Donald Trump, we would approve of it for Barack Obama, because it’d just be the right thing to do. …that and he’s black.”
Roberts: “What was that, counsel?”
Sekulow: “Nothing. I just said I wasn’t racist.”
Roberts: “That’s not what I heard. Moving on. Majority Leader McConnell, you are recognized.”
McConnell: “Yes, Senator Paul and I would like to send a question to the desk.”
Roberts: “I will not read this question.”
McConnell: “Why not?”
Roberts: “You’re asking me to out the name of an alleged whistleblower. I’m not going to do that.”
McConnell: “What if you just replace that person’s name with Melanie?”
Roberts: “No”
McConnell: “How about Jared?”
Roberts: “No”
McConnell: “Kay Jewelers?”
Roberts: “No”
McConnell: “The shake weight?”
Roberts: “For the last time, no! Minority Leader Schumer, you are recognized.”
Schumer: “This question is for the House Managers.”
Roberts: “Okay, here is the question: ‘Can a trial actually be a trial without documents or witnesses?’”
Schiff: “Well, no, of course it can’t. Now, I think the defense too often compares this case to a criminal trial, as you do not need to prove criminal guilt beyond a reasonable doubt to impeach and remove a president from office, but you do need to prove criminal guilt beyond a reasonable doubt in a criminal trial. However, having said that, I’m now going to do similarly. What would your reactions have been if, in the O.J. trial, the prosecution and defense provided their opening statements and the jury then debated on the verdict? Not very happy, I imagine. What is a trial without documents or witnesses? A joke. A stupid, asinine joke, and not a funny one. If you thought Laffy Taffy jokes were bad, they’re nothing compared to a trial without documents and witnesses. There you go, ladies and gentlemen, I said it - this here is the Laffy Taffy of trials. Soak that in for a while.”
Roberts: “Majority Leader, you are recognized.”
McConnell: “Yes, Senators Cruz, Graham, and I would like to ask House Manager Schiff a question.”
Roberts: “Very well. Mr. Schiff, the question by Senator McTurtle and the others is, ‘Why?’”
Schiff: “Thank you, Senators for that question. The answer is because Donald Trump is a liar, a fraud, a criminal, a traitor. He is everything that is wrong with the human race all jumbled into one person. He cares about no one other than himself. He’s weak, cowardly, selfish, ignorant, and smells like decade-old Cheetos. Besides that, though, he’s great.”
Roberts: “Wow… Senate Minority Leader, you are now recognized.”
Schumer: “I’m sending a question for the president’s counsel.”
Roberts: “Mr. Schumer’s question reads, ‘Echoing Senators Cruz, Graham, and McTurtle, ‘Why?’”
Dershowitz: “What? Why? Why not? I mean, how? Where? What again? Why? We don’t know. Next question.”
Roberts: “The next question goes Senate Majority Leader McConnell.”
McConnell: “This question is for the president’s counsel.”
Roberts: “Thank you. The question is, ‘Are you as bleeping scared as we are about Lev Parnas and John Bolton?’”
Sekulow: “No! He’s never met either of them! Those are fake clips! Fake pictures! Fake videos! Fake pee-pee tapes!”
Roberts: “Pee-pee tapes, counsel?”
Sekulow: “Yes, I have them, Chief Justice.”
Roberts: “You what?”
Sekulow: “I mean, I was in them.”
Roberts: “You were?”
Sekulow: “I mean, he was in me in them.”
Roberts: “You seem to be digging yourself into a progressively deeper hole, counsel.”
Sekulow: “Speaking of holes…”
Roberts: “Counsel, are you sure you want to go there?”
Sekulow: “Already did. Okay, I’m done. Thanks, Chief Justice.”
Roberts: “Senate Minority Leader, you are now recognized.”
Schumer: “This question goes to the president’s counsel.”
Roberts: “Okay, it reads, ‘Some of you have contended President Trump is guilty of committing the acts outlined in the two articles of impeachment, yet have stated you will vote to acquit. How does that make sense? If you were on an actual jury, thought the defendant was guilty beyond a reasonable doubt, would you vote not guilty?’”
Dershowitz: “Well, yes. If, say, it’s a murder trial, there’s video evidence to prove the defendant did it, and he even confessed to it, I would tell my fellow jurors, ‘Look, the guy did it. Not guilty.’ That’s just the right thing to do. Look, the word ‘guilty’ derives from the word ‘gill,’ like on a fish. Fish stink. Guilt stinks, so if a person did something bad, they stink, but you don’t want them to stink, so you vote not guilty.”
Roberts: “Majority Leader McConnell, you are recognized.”
McConnell: “Yes, this goes to the defense team.”
Roberts: “It reads, ‘Are you as bored as we are? What are you doing later? It’s bingo night at the G-Spot Lounge.’ Okay, there’s really no need for the defense to answer this question. Okay, there’s time for one additional question to be asked by each side. Senate Minority Leader Schumer, you are recognized.”
Schumer: “This question goes to the House Managers.”
Roberts: “The question reads, ‘Is there anything else you’d like to say today?’”
Schiff: “For anyone watching today, I think they’ve seen a stark contrast between the two parties. While the president’s defense team has treated these proceedings as a joke, we have displayed that we care about this country, its people, and the truth. What is a trial without documents or witnesses? What is a presidency without any sort of limitation? What is a country without a rule of law which applies to everybody? This is the United States of America, dammit! Did you on the other side forget that? You say you care about freedom, the Bible, the Constitution, and our troops, but I’m beginning to think that’s a bunch of malarkey. If you vote to block documents and witnesses, you will essentially undo the Constitution and rule of law. You will turn this country into a monarchy. You will be spitting in the face of our founders. You will…”
Roberts: “Your time is up. Senate Majority Leader McConnell, you are recognized.”
McConnell: “Thank you, Mr. Chief Justice. I’m sending my question up to the desk.”
Roberts: “This question is for the president’s counsel. It says, ‘What the other guy asked last time, yeah, that same one.’ That‘s not even a question. Would either party like to make any final comments? I see the defense is shaking their heads no. House
Managers? Yes? Go ahead.”
Schiff: “Yeah. Everything those guys said today is total bullshit.”
Roberts: “Adjourned.”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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