Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 31: "The State of the Dictatorship Is Strong" is now available!
Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"
Episode 31: The State of the Dictatorship Is Strong
Premiere Date: 2/7/20
Length: 5:43 (837 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/the-state-of-the-dictatorship-is-strong/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 31, entitled, “The State of the Dictatorship Is Strong.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
In case you missed Donald Trump’s State of the Union address earlier this week, here’s a brief summary of it. Trump sniffed. Trump lied. Trump apparently broke every record known to man and the Guinness Book of World Records will now be known as the Trump Book of World Records. Not only that, but so long as you weren’t over when guessing the price of an item, you won a prize! It was like half rally, half game show. It was, without question, the most bizarre State of the Union speech ever. Given the bizarre nature of the speech, I felt it was my duty, as a satirist, to reenact and poke fun of it.
“My fellow Mericans,
:: sniff sniff sniff sniff ::
I have something very important to tell you. These will be the best three words you ever hear, believe me. These three words are: The state of our uniom is strong. As a matter of fact, the uniom has never been stronger than it is now. We’ve broken records. We’ve broken so many records, folks. It’s just unbelievable. :: sniff sniff ::
For example, we have built the biggest, best, longest, widest, toughest, most beautiful wall in the history of walls. Now, yes, part of it came apart recently and blew over due to some wind, but believe me, that was the strongest 5 mile an hour wind in the history of 5 mile an hour winds. Period.
The unemployment rate is at its lowest in history. Under Obama, it went down 5%. It’s gone down one more percent under me, and as those Flonase commercials always tell us, ‘1 is greater than 5.’
Manufacturing jobs are in a recession, but it’s the best recession since sliced bread, this I can promise you.
Jobs. We’re creating jobs like never before. These are jobs that don’t even exist for people who don’t work them. They’re just fantastic. These jobs are for Hispanics, Asians, women, my African-American over there…
Things are just going so good, folks. Violence is down. Crime is up. Aliens are being stopped at the border at a rate never before seen, unless they get through, which happens a lot. The Dow Jonas is up; it’s down; but it’s mostly up, so up. I’m trying to undo the disaster that is Obamacare - especially the part about protecting people with pre-existing conditions. By doing this, it will protect people with pre-existing conditions. It’s like any good doctor will tell you, in order to have protected sex, you need to first remove the condom and then have sex, because that just makes sense. It just makes sense, bigly. :: sniff ::
Speaking of having protected sex without condoms, illegal aliens. Unless they’re hot tens from Slovenia, Russia, or Nambia, they don’t belong here. This is why I’m tonight proposing legislation to, in addition to the one being built along our northern Mexican border, we build a wall from here to China. Not only will this keep out all of the aliens, it will stop the Coronavirus. No Corona beers will get through this wall, that I can promise you. This wall is for your protection, not for mine. I don’t drink, especially that nasty ass Corona crap - so I’ll never get it. :: sniff ::
So, yeah, socialism is bad. Very bad. Very very bad. So bad, you don’t even know. It’s bad stuff, folks. So so bad. Did I mention it was bad? Well, it is. So really very bad. Anyway, bad stuff.
Okay, so we’ve reached the portion of the show where we announce the raffle winners. Check under your seat for the raffle ticket and I will read off the winning numbers. The first number is 973. That’s 973. Oh, the black person in the back. Congratulations. You’ve won a lifetime supply of watermelons. Okay, the next number is 4273, 4273. The mother over here. Congratulations! You’ve won this t-shirt. It reads, ‘I had my reproductive rights taken away and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.’ That’s cute. Family-friendly. Okay, and the last winner is number 666. That’s 666. Rush, is that you? Rush Limbaugh? Congratulations! You’ve won a presidential medal of freedom. Well deserved. So well deserved. Oh, and the rest of you get new cars, but only if you do me a favor - vote for me on November 3rd.
The State of the Uniom is strong because I’m Putin America first. I’ve been Putin America first for as long as I can remember - so at least a couple of minutes - and I promise to always Put-in America first. God bless you all and God bless the United States of AmeriRussia.
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
Episode 31: The State of the Dictatorship Is Strong
Premiere Date: 2/7/20
Length: 5:43 (837 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/the-state-of-the-dictatorship-is-strong/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 31, entitled, “The State of the Dictatorship Is Strong.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
In case you missed Donald Trump’s State of the Union address earlier this week, here’s a brief summary of it. Trump sniffed. Trump lied. Trump apparently broke every record known to man and the Guinness Book of World Records will now be known as the Trump Book of World Records. Not only that, but so long as you weren’t over when guessing the price of an item, you won a prize! It was like half rally, half game show. It was, without question, the most bizarre State of the Union speech ever. Given the bizarre nature of the speech, I felt it was my duty, as a satirist, to reenact and poke fun of it.
“My fellow Mericans,
:: sniff sniff sniff sniff ::
I have something very important to tell you. These will be the best three words you ever hear, believe me. These three words are: The state of our uniom is strong. As a matter of fact, the uniom has never been stronger than it is now. We’ve broken records. We’ve broken so many records, folks. It’s just unbelievable. :: sniff sniff ::
For example, we have built the biggest, best, longest, widest, toughest, most beautiful wall in the history of walls. Now, yes, part of it came apart recently and blew over due to some wind, but believe me, that was the strongest 5 mile an hour wind in the history of 5 mile an hour winds. Period.
The unemployment rate is at its lowest in history. Under Obama, it went down 5%. It’s gone down one more percent under me, and as those Flonase commercials always tell us, ‘1 is greater than 5.’
Manufacturing jobs are in a recession, but it’s the best recession since sliced bread, this I can promise you.
Jobs. We’re creating jobs like never before. These are jobs that don’t even exist for people who don’t work them. They’re just fantastic. These jobs are for Hispanics, Asians, women, my African-American over there…
Things are just going so good, folks. Violence is down. Crime is up. Aliens are being stopped at the border at a rate never before seen, unless they get through, which happens a lot. The Dow Jonas is up; it’s down; but it’s mostly up, so up. I’m trying to undo the disaster that is Obamacare - especially the part about protecting people with pre-existing conditions. By doing this, it will protect people with pre-existing conditions. It’s like any good doctor will tell you, in order to have protected sex, you need to first remove the condom and then have sex, because that just makes sense. It just makes sense, bigly. :: sniff ::
Speaking of having protected sex without condoms, illegal aliens. Unless they’re hot tens from Slovenia, Russia, or Nambia, they don’t belong here. This is why I’m tonight proposing legislation to, in addition to the one being built along our northern Mexican border, we build a wall from here to China. Not only will this keep out all of the aliens, it will stop the Coronavirus. No Corona beers will get through this wall, that I can promise you. This wall is for your protection, not for mine. I don’t drink, especially that nasty ass Corona crap - so I’ll never get it. :: sniff ::
So, yeah, socialism is bad. Very bad. Very very bad. So bad, you don’t even know. It’s bad stuff, folks. So so bad. Did I mention it was bad? Well, it is. So really very bad. Anyway, bad stuff.
Okay, so we’ve reached the portion of the show where we announce the raffle winners. Check under your seat for the raffle ticket and I will read off the winning numbers. The first number is 973. That’s 973. Oh, the black person in the back. Congratulations. You’ve won a lifetime supply of watermelons. Okay, the next number is 4273, 4273. The mother over here. Congratulations! You’ve won this t-shirt. It reads, ‘I had my reproductive rights taken away and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.’ That’s cute. Family-friendly. Okay, and the last winner is number 666. That’s 666. Rush, is that you? Rush Limbaugh? Congratulations! You’ve won a presidential medal of freedom. Well deserved. So well deserved. Oh, and the rest of you get new cars, but only if you do me a favor - vote for me on November 3rd.
The State of the Uniom is strong because I’m Putin America first. I’ve been Putin America first for as long as I can remember - so at least a couple of minutes - and I promise to always Put-in America first. God bless you all and God bless the United States of AmeriRussia.
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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