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Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 32: "The Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself. ...and Tweets...," is now available!

Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"

Episode 32: The Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself. ...and Tweets - Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Tweets

Premiere Date: 2/18/20

Length: 15:04 (1,985 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/the-only-thing-we-have-to-fear-is-fear-itself-and-tweets-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-tweets/

Transcript:

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 32, entitled, “The Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself. …and Tweets - Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Tweets.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

The saying goes that “the pen is mightier than the sword.” In this day and age, though, that old saying may need to be rephrased to “the tweet is mightier than the sword” - especially if that tweet comes courtesy of one Donald J. Trump.

I’m not joking when I say this, but I’ve heard countless times on mainstream media outlets that one big reason why Congressional Republicans - particularly those in the Senate - don’t stand up to the fake president and stand up for this country is fear of a Trump tweet. Sure, we can chuckle about this all we’d like, but it’s as true as Mick Jagger is fertile.

Can you imagine if this were a mafia movie?

Tony: “Hey Jimmy… Look, I would if I could, but I can’t, because you know…”

Jimmy: “No, I don’t, Tony. Talk to me. Did the boss threaten you?”

Tony: “Yeah, you don’t even wanna know…”

Jimmy: “Come on, you can tell me. Did he threaten to shoot you?”

Tony: “Naw, worse.”

Jimmy: “Did he threaten to have one of his boys shoot you?”

Tony: “Worse…”

Jimmy: “Did he threaten to cut your head off with a KFC spork?”

Tony: “Worse…”

Jimmy: “What could be worse than that?”

Tony: “He’s going to write a nasty tweet about me. I heard he might even call me Tiny Tony.”

Jimmy: “Damn, that’s cold, dude!”

Tony: “I know, right?!?”

Come on, it’s not like Trump is known for his quick wit. Some of his more well-known nicknames are “Sleepy Joe,” in reference to Joe Biden, and “Crazy Bernie,” in reference to Bernie Sanders. A good chunk of his Twitter followers are Russian bots. Are Senate Republicans really THAT frightened by a likely misspelled nickname on a social media site called Twitter? Look, I’ll tell you what, Senate GOPers - today I will prepare you for the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad tweet attack you’ll likely receive at the index fingers of the fake president by providing each of you a nickname on his behalf. This way, you can stand up to the fake president, stand up for the country, and will be desensitized to that prior fear you felt. Sound good? You’re welcome. Oh, and I’ll even provide the nicknames in my Trump voice, so it has a more authentic vibe. Spoiler alert: These nicknames will likely be more clever than the ones Trump will be able to think up.

“- For Lamar Alexander, my nickname is going to be Lamar Alexander ‘Mm, the not so great, but better than Vindman.’ I prefer soldiers that don’t tell the truth.

- Tom Barrasso. That one’s easy. Tom Barrasso ‘the ass-o.’

- Marsha Blackburn. Marsha ‘lazier than a’ Blackburn. Look, I’m not racist, but the blacks are lazy, so yeah, Marsha is even lazier than those people. Again, not racist.

- Roy Blunt. Roy ‘sharp as a’ Blunt. Look, I’ve never smoked the gan-ja, but I hear from lots of people that blunts aren’t very sharp. They’re made of rubber or something.

- John Boozman. Okay, this one’s pretty easy too. John ‘boozy McBoozeface’ Boozman. I don’t drink, but he looks like booze, doesn’t he? I mean, like the bubbles and stuff under his eyes. Bigly boozy.

- Mike Braun. Yeah, Mike Braun ‘be gone.’ He’s going away, folks, far, far away, to some farm out in the middle of nowhere with all of those dogs your parents have told you about. That’s not a threat. I just have a better idea of Mike’s future than anyone else.

- Richard Burr. He’s not Ken, folks. He’s Richard Burr’-bie girl in a burr-bie world,’ but he’s not fantastic. He’s the opposite of fantastic. He’s unfantastic.

- Shelley Moore Capito. Good ol’ Smelly Shelley. She knows it too. Her parents knew it. Why else would they name her Shelley, which rhymes with smelly? Because she’s always been smelly, folks, believe me!

- Bill Cassidy. More like Bill ‘chastity’ Cassidy. That guy couldn’t even get a hooker named Eze to bang him. SAD!

- Susan Collins. Susan Collins. Hmm… You know what? I don’t even need a nickname for her. No matter what I say or tweet, she’s going to go through the same routine: ‘I’m troubled. I’ll have to think about it. You know what, even though he’s never showcased the ability to do this in his 70 some odd years, I think he’s going to learn this time. So yeah, I stand behind Trump.’

- John Cornyn. John ‘weaker than Corn Pop’ Cornyn. He’s weaker than a fake gangster, folks. Make up an imaginary gangster. Now look at him. Yeah, that guy is stronger than John Cornyn.

- Tom Cotton. ‘Tiny’ Tom Cotton ‘briefs.’ I thought innies were only for belly-buttons, but Tiny Tom has proven that theory wrong, bigly!

- Kevin Cramer. Kevin ‘Cray’ Cramer. The only thing worse than cray-cray is cray-Cramer; that I can promise you!

- Mike Crapo. Crehpo or Crappo? Let’s go with Crappo. Mike ‘is full of’’ Crapo.

- Ted Cruz. ‘Lyin’ Ted is so 2016. We need to update that. How about Ted ‘Coronavirus’ Cruz? If you come into contact with Ted, there’s a 2% chance you’re going to die soon thereafter. Fact. Google it.

- Steve Daines. Steve ‘insane in the membrane, insane in the’ Daines. I’m down with the old-school rap, folks. Scooby Dog, Dr. Ray, Nice Cube, and Hot Tea are some of my favorites.

- Michael Enzi. Michael Enzi ‘bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini.’ I made him wear that one time, folks. He did not look good. So not a 10!

- Joni Ernst. Yeah, she’s the infamously famous Joni ‘no emails on eHarmony’ Ernst. Not a single one. So sad! Get with the times, Joni, and get on AOL!

- Deb Fischer. Good ol’ ‘Fishy’ Fischer. Everything she does is fishy. She even smells fishy. I don’t like fish. The only fish I eat are fried, boneless, and made entirely of chicken.

- Cory Gardner. From this day on, I’m going to call him Cory ‘Constant’ Gardner. Did you ever seen that movie? With Ralph Finesse or whatever his name is. Dull! Such a boring movie, just like Cory! He’s so boring, he makes cokeheads fall asleep! Not that I’d know. There’s just this one guy. Anyway, where was I?…

- Lindsey Graham. All I’ve gotta say for this one is, four words: ‘Lesbo’ Lindsey.’

- Chuck Grassley. Chuck ‘feels like I’m walkin’ on broken’ Grassley. This is why I’ve never mowed the lawn. Broken grass is the worst, folks, simply the worst! One time I walked around on all fours in my backyard after our servant Tonto mowed. I had broken grass cuts all over. This was my Vietnam. I was six.

- Josh Hawley. More like Josh Hawley ‘doody.’ Get it? Howdy-doody, Hawley-doody? We’re not even halfway done, folks.

- John Hoeven. Do you pronounce that ‘haven’ or ‘heaven’? Being the strong, loyal Christian I am, I’m going to go with ‘haven.’ Just kidding, folks. ‘Heaven’ all the way. In this case, John ‘not going to’ Hoeven. For him, all is well in hell.

- Cindy Hyde-Smith. Brace yourself, Senator, for, from this day forward, you shall be known as Cindy ‘Ho-Fo-Sho’ Hyde-Smith. She is a ho, fo sho!

- James Inhofe. James ‘jacks guys’ Inhofe. He’s never jacked me Inhofe, though. Nobody jacks me Inhofe, folks. The only jacking Inhofe I ever do is when I’m in Russia with my dear friend, Vlady, but I regress…

- Ron Johnson. It was ‘Jeff Johnson - the name you know.’ Here it’s ‘Ron Johnson - the name that sucks.’

- John Kennedy. John ‘F.’ Kennedy. Oh, too soon? Snowflakes!

- James Lankford. ‘Joke’ James ‘laugh at’ Lankford. Oh, yeah, we’re laughing with you, Jamie, so laughing with you. Wink. Wink.

- Mike Lee. What a stupid name. He’s got two first names. So stupid. So now he’s going to be called Mike ‘Sara’ Lee. You can tell he eats a lot of her cakes and shit, unlike me, who am the perfect specimen.

- Kelly Loeffler. Kelly ‘she ain’t right; she’s’ Loeffler. Sure, four rights make a ‘Loeff,’ but she can’t count that high. Just sayin’, I mean just tweetin’. Just tweetin’, folks.

- Mitch McConnell. That’s Mitch ‘the bitch.’ Nothing further, your honor.

- Martha McSally. Martha ‘When Harry Met’ McSally. Yeah, she fakes it. She fakes everything all the time! Pathetic!

- Jerry Moran. Jerry ‘Big League’ Moran, ‘Bigly.” More-ahn, more-on? Doesn’t matter. He’s a moran, I mean, a moron! Period!

- Lisa Murkowski. Naw, it’s Lisa ‘moo like a’ Murkowski. Moo, bitch. Yes, she’s mooing at you, Mitch.

- Rand Paul. Hey, if you’re Rand Paul’s neighbor, love thy neighbor like Rand Paul’s neighbor. No, not the nice one.

- David Perdue. More like perdon’t! Yeah, perdon’t Perdue!

- Rob Portman. Rob ‘shortman’ Portman. So sad, so short. Even when he’s in heels, he’s looking up to Danny DeVito like DeVito looked up to Apprentice-loser Arnold Schwarzenegger.

- James Risch. Aw, ‘lil Rischy’ Risch. So cute and tiny, like a little boy. Lil’ Rischy Risch.

- Pat Roberts. ‘Pitter’ Pat Roberts. That’s how weak he is. No matter what he does, people say, ‘oh, it’s pitter-Pat.’ When he walks around the building, it’s ‘pitter-Pat.’ When he speaks, it’s ‘pitter-Pat.’ When he’s in the bedroom with a woman, it’s ‘pitter-Pat.’

- Mitt Romney. ‘Shitty’ Mitt. Wait, what about Mitt ‘the shit,’ Mitt ‘is the shit,’ or Mitt ‘is shit’? They’re all the same, right? Whatever. Mitt’s shit.

- Mike Rounds. Mike ‘roundy’ Rounds. So round, folks. He’s like if the flat earth were round. Like one of those fake 3D flat earths. What are those called? Glob-ees? Yeah, that’s it.

- Marco Rubio. Lil’ Marco. That one’s a little outdated, I think. Everyone knows Marco is little. Let’s think of something more current. How about Marco ‘Polo’ Rubio? He loves his water, folks. He gets nervous around it, but he loves it. …and even when you hear him talking, he’s never really there.

- Ben Sasse. This one’s pretty ease. Ben ‘No’ Sasse ‘All Ass.’

- Rick Scott. ‘Ridiculous’ Ricky Scott. Ridiculous Ricky. Ridic-u-Rick. So ridic-u-Rick.

- Tim Scott. ‘Tiny’ Tim. So tiny, and believe me, I know tiny. When Stormy said I was like a little mushroom, even that was an exaggeration…

- Richard Shelby. Richard ‘Dick’ Shelby. Let’s just call him Dick Shelby, or Dick for short. Pun intended.

- Dan Sullivan. Whether he’s on the golf course or off it, it’s Dan ‘Mulligan’ Sullivan. He’s so bad, they’re going to start calling mulligans Sullivans.

- John Thune. John ‘out of’ Thune. He’s so out of touch, out of Thune. He may be fourteen years younger than me, but I’m much more in Thune than he is, believe me!

Nothing is more in Thune with 2020 than building an ancient wall!

- Thom Tillis. Whenever this guy speaks, at least one person says, ‘Hey, Thom, ‘whatcha talkin’ ‘bout,’ Tillis? Nobody knows, especially him.

- Patrick Toomey. ‘Looney’ Toomey. So loony. ‘Looney Tooms.’

- Roger Wicker. I call him Roger ‘the’ Wicker ‘bitch of the west.’ That’s from that wizard movie - ‘The Wizard of Fonz’ or whatever that’s called.

- Todd Young. That should be Todd ‘the’ Young ‘and the treasonous.’

There you have it, GOP Senators. Now you don’t have to fear Trump’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad tweets. Once again, you’re welcome.

That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.

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