Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 34: "Donald Trump Knows More About Coronavirus Than the Virus People, Believe Him," is now available!
Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"
Episode 34: Donald Trump Knows More About Coronavirus Than the Virus People, Believe Him
Premiere Date: 2/28/20
Length: 6:42 (938 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/donald-trump-knows-more-about-coronavirus-than-the-virus-people-believe-him/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 34, entitled, “Donald Trump Knows More About Coronavirus Than the Virus People, Believe Him.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
So did you see that press conference the other day? Donald Trump did what only Donald Trump can do and went on an empty, yet contradictory ramble about coronavirus, before answering some questions… Wait, allow me to rephrase that. When reporters asked him questions, his lips were moving, words were coming out, but he really wasn’t saying much of anything.
In case you missed it, here’s basically what happened…
“Good afternoon, fake news media. Let me first start by saying the shooting in Milwaukee was very tragic. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. We won’t do anything about it, because we don’t really give a shit, but again, thoughts and prayers.
Okay, now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I’m here today to talk to you about the markets and the virus known as ca-ro-na. That’s ca-ro-na. The stock market is the strongest its ever been. We’ve never seen numbers like this, not even in math textbooks. By the way, speaking of math, when did you ever need algebra? I mean, seriously? What even is algebra? I’ve never known a zebra named Al, have you? I didn’t think so.
So yeah, we’ve never seen numbers this big. I mean, we were at 29,000, now it’s 26,000, and will just continue to go up, believe me. Seriously, though, have you heard of any numbers like that? I haven’t and no one knows numbers like me, folks. I know numbers; I have the best numbers, believe me.
The real reason the stock market’s numbers aren’t as bigly big as they were isn’t because of ca-ro-na; it’s because of the Democratic debate last night. Sure, the Dow drop started before the debate even started, but investors are psychic, folks, so very psychic. The Obama recession is proof of that. So much proof.
But anyway, in the off-chance the market is being hurt one i-o-ta. I-o-ta. Iowa. Yeah, that’s it - Iowa. In that very, very slim, off-chance, I thought I’d talk to the America people about ca-ro-na virus.
First thing’s first, people - you’re probably not all going to die. I mean, probably not, maybe, unsure, maybe so, definitely, so yeah, I hope that makes everyone feel better. Not only that, but doctors are saying the death rate for this is like 2%. That’s nothing. The death rate for the regular flu is 2%. The death rate for papercuts is 3% The death rate for strep throat is 75%, so again, carona? 2%? That’s nothing. I’ve also hired Vice President Mike Pence to be my caronavirus unczarry czar. He’ll do a fantastic job. Remember that HIV outbreak in Indiana when he was governor? Yeah, so do I, which is why I’m placing him in charge. Just pray, Mike. Just pray and make everything go away. Just pray. Lastly, we’re working on a vaccine, and things are going really great, just fantastic, folks. If all goes well, we should be able to use it by the year 2052 - just right around the corner. Are there any questions? Yes, you in the back…”
“Doctors have said the spread of the virus in this country is inevitable, but you’ve seemed to contradict them by saying it’s not. What should we actually believe?”
“Me. I know more about medicine and hospitals and stuff than even the hospital people…”
“Doctors?”
“Yeah, them. Next question. Yeah, you to my left, I mean, right, my right left, whatever…”
“You said the vaccine won’t become available until 2052, which is over 30 years from now. By that time, don’t you think it’ll be too late? Isn’t that too long of a wait?”
“It’s the perfect time. Look, this carona thingy will be gone the first day of spring anyway. That’s what the groundhog said, didn’t he? Next question. To the pretty ugly lady in the front here…”
“You mentioned Vice President’s spotty record on matters relating to healthcare and that that was why you hired him to be your coronavirus czar. Don’t you think that sends a mixed message?”
“No. I don’t believe in anything that’s mixed. This is why white and black people shouldn’t make babies. Next question, to this mixed person over here…”
“Wasn’t what you said completely racist?”
“No. I never run, so why would I race? Last question… To the Russian-looking guy in the middle.”
“I’m from Pennsylvania.”
“Russia, Pennsylvania. Tomato, bucket of chicken from KFC. Same thing. What’s your question, Amish dude?”
“I’m not Russian and not Amish.”
“Good for you. What’s your question?”
“Do you think your reelection will ultimately be determined by your response to coronavirus?”
“No. We will win, irregardless. Remember those old pointless programs in school? Don’t do drugs? Well, I’m now telling you here today, don’t drink Corona. Very bad. Very, very bad, people. Okay, thank you very much. Remember, vote Trump 2020: Money Over People.”
In my Twitter poll of the week, I asked the question, “Donald Trump is reportedly considering appointing a ‘Caronavirus’ czar. If this occurs, who is he most likely to pick?
After receiving 438 votes, here are the results:
- “(He went to) Jared” received 62.3% of the vote.
- “The Dos Equis guy” earned 19.2%.
- “Army of the 12 Monkeys” got 11.4%
- …and “Dr. Who” ended up with 7.1%.
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
Episode 34: Donald Trump Knows More About Coronavirus Than the Virus People, Believe Him
Premiere Date: 2/28/20
Length: 6:42 (938 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/donald-trump-knows-more-about-coronavirus-than-the-virus-people-believe-him/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 34, entitled, “Donald Trump Knows More About Coronavirus Than the Virus People, Believe Him.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
So did you see that press conference the other day? Donald Trump did what only Donald Trump can do and went on an empty, yet contradictory ramble about coronavirus, before answering some questions… Wait, allow me to rephrase that. When reporters asked him questions, his lips were moving, words were coming out, but he really wasn’t saying much of anything.
In case you missed it, here’s basically what happened…
“Good afternoon, fake news media. Let me first start by saying the shooting in Milwaukee was very tragic. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. We won’t do anything about it, because we don’t really give a shit, but again, thoughts and prayers.
Okay, now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I’m here today to talk to you about the markets and the virus known as ca-ro-na. That’s ca-ro-na. The stock market is the strongest its ever been. We’ve never seen numbers like this, not even in math textbooks. By the way, speaking of math, when did you ever need algebra? I mean, seriously? What even is algebra? I’ve never known a zebra named Al, have you? I didn’t think so.
So yeah, we’ve never seen numbers this big. I mean, we were at 29,000, now it’s 26,000, and will just continue to go up, believe me. Seriously, though, have you heard of any numbers like that? I haven’t and no one knows numbers like me, folks. I know numbers; I have the best numbers, believe me.
The real reason the stock market’s numbers aren’t as bigly big as they were isn’t because of ca-ro-na; it’s because of the Democratic debate last night. Sure, the Dow drop started before the debate even started, but investors are psychic, folks, so very psychic. The Obama recession is proof of that. So much proof.
But anyway, in the off-chance the market is being hurt one i-o-ta. I-o-ta. Iowa. Yeah, that’s it - Iowa. In that very, very slim, off-chance, I thought I’d talk to the America people about ca-ro-na virus.
First thing’s first, people - you’re probably not all going to die. I mean, probably not, maybe, unsure, maybe so, definitely, so yeah, I hope that makes everyone feel better. Not only that, but doctors are saying the death rate for this is like 2%. That’s nothing. The death rate for the regular flu is 2%. The death rate for papercuts is 3% The death rate for strep throat is 75%, so again, carona? 2%? That’s nothing. I’ve also hired Vice President Mike Pence to be my caronavirus unczarry czar. He’ll do a fantastic job. Remember that HIV outbreak in Indiana when he was governor? Yeah, so do I, which is why I’m placing him in charge. Just pray, Mike. Just pray and make everything go away. Just pray. Lastly, we’re working on a vaccine, and things are going really great, just fantastic, folks. If all goes well, we should be able to use it by the year 2052 - just right around the corner. Are there any questions? Yes, you in the back…”
“Doctors have said the spread of the virus in this country is inevitable, but you’ve seemed to contradict them by saying it’s not. What should we actually believe?”
“Me. I know more about medicine and hospitals and stuff than even the hospital people…”
“Doctors?”
“Yeah, them. Next question. Yeah, you to my left, I mean, right, my right left, whatever…”
“You said the vaccine won’t become available until 2052, which is over 30 years from now. By that time, don’t you think it’ll be too late? Isn’t that too long of a wait?”
“It’s the perfect time. Look, this carona thingy will be gone the first day of spring anyway. That’s what the groundhog said, didn’t he? Next question. To the pretty ugly lady in the front here…”
“You mentioned Vice President’s spotty record on matters relating to healthcare and that that was why you hired him to be your coronavirus czar. Don’t you think that sends a mixed message?”
“No. I don’t believe in anything that’s mixed. This is why white and black people shouldn’t make babies. Next question, to this mixed person over here…”
“Wasn’t what you said completely racist?”
“No. I never run, so why would I race? Last question… To the Russian-looking guy in the middle.”
“I’m from Pennsylvania.”
“Russia, Pennsylvania. Tomato, bucket of chicken from KFC. Same thing. What’s your question, Amish dude?”
“I’m not Russian and not Amish.”
“Good for you. What’s your question?”
“Do you think your reelection will ultimately be determined by your response to coronavirus?”
“No. We will win, irregardless. Remember those old pointless programs in school? Don’t do drugs? Well, I’m now telling you here today, don’t drink Corona. Very bad. Very, very bad, people. Okay, thank you very much. Remember, vote Trump 2020: Money Over People.”
In my Twitter poll of the week, I asked the question, “Donald Trump is reportedly considering appointing a ‘Caronavirus’ czar. If this occurs, who is he most likely to pick?
After receiving 438 votes, here are the results:
- “(He went to) Jared” received 62.3% of the vote.
- “The Dos Equis guy” earned 19.2%.
- “Army of the 12 Monkeys” got 11.4%
- …and “Dr. Who” ended up with 7.1%.
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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