Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 66: "Cognitive Dysfunction Junction" is now available!
Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"
Episode 66: Cognitive Dysfunction Junction
Premiere Date: 8/6/20
Length: 12:27 (1,759 words)
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 66, entitled, “Cognitive Dysfunction Junction.” I’m
your host, Craig Rozniecki.
During an interview with Marc Siegel of Fox News a couple of weeks ago, Donald
Trump talked about how he aced the Montreal Cognitive Assessment at Walter Reed
National Military Medical Center in 2018. On multiple occasions, he bragged about
having to remember the following five words: person, woman, man, camera, TV. He
made it sound as though it was an IQ test and he scored higher than anyone
previously. In actuality, the test is used to detect cognitive impairment – early
Alzheimer’s in particular. This peaked my curiosity, so I decided to research this
particular test, and share an exaggerated version of it with you. Here now is how I
envision Donald Trump responded to all of the questions on the test. The interviewer
will be played by yours truly. …and action…
Have you heard about the sobriety test and having to recite the alphabet backwards?
Okay, well, forget that. What comes first in the alphabet, B or Z?
Trump: “Do do do do do do do. A, B, C, G. E, F, D. Okay, B. Final answer.”
That’s correct. When counting, what comes before 1 million: 500 million, 1 billion, 70
trillion, or 2?
Trump: “Could you repeat those numbers?”
Yes: 500 million, 1 billion, 70 trillion, and 2.
Trump: “Okay, and what about them?”
Which of them comes before the number 1 million?
Trump: “…and the numbers again?”
This is the last time I will repeat the numbers. They are: 500 million, 1 billion, 70
trillion, and 2.
Trump: “Okay, well, 500 is more than 1 and so is 70, so those can’t be it. That must
mean 1 billion is the same as 1 million, so that’s not it either. I’ll go with 2.”
Well, that’s one way of going about it. Yes, the answer is 2 – 2 is less than 1 million.
Next question: do you see this circle? With us giving you the writing utensil, paper, and
this picture, draw what you see. You can even trace it if you’d like.
Trump: “What do you mean by trace?”
This picture. You see this thing right here? Draw it.
Trump: “With this pencil thing?”
Yes, with that pencil thing.
Trump: “What if it runs out of ink?”
Please believe me when I tell you it won’t run out of ink.
Trump: “Here you go. Did I do good?”
Eh, it’s passable for a 2-year-old.
Trump: “Good. I was worried about that one. I’ve never been good at painting.”
You didn’t… nevermind. What time is it? You can use a watch, cell phone, the Internet,
or phone a friend if you so prefer.
Trump: “Right now”
Yes, right now.
Trump: “No, that’s the time – right now.”
No, what is the time right now?
Trump: “That”
What?
Trump: “Right now.”
Screw it. I’ll write this one down for you.
Trump: “What’s that?”
It says 2:41. That’s the current time.
Trump: “Yeah, right now.”
Yes.
Trump: “So I was right.”
Ugh. Okay, before my head explodes, let’s get to the next question. What are these
three animals? Along with the pictures, I’ll describe each of them for you. The first one
is large, grey, is known for its trunk and tusks, and is the logo for the Republican
Party.
Trump: “That one’s easy – Mitch McConnell.”
Very funny, but seriously, what’s your answer? I’ll give you another hint: the word
rhymes with pellaphant.
Trump: “Oh, elephant.”
Yes. Second, this animal swings around in the jungle, makes the sound ooh-ooh-eee-
eee, and can be used as a racist term describing black people.
Trump: “Monkey”
Wow, you got that one fast.
Trump: “I’m always fast. Just ask the ladies.”
No thanks, mushroom man.
Trump: “What?”
Oh, nothing. Lastly, this dog goes woof woof. Oh, I guess I gave you the answer. So,
anyway, what is it?
Trump: “What is what? The name of the dog?”
No, forget it. You already said it.
Trump: “Said what?”
The right answer – dog.
Trump: “What’s that?”
You’re just messing with me, aren’t you?
Trump: “What do you mean?”
Don’t worry about it. Now read these random five words and then repeat them twice. I.
Have. A. Tiny. Penis. Again, that’s I. Have. A. Tiny. Penis.
Trump: “I. Have. :: pause :: A. Tiny. Penis. I ::pause :: Have. A. :: pause :: Tiny Penis.”
Well done. Now repeat these random numbers in the forward order: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. That’s
1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
Trump: “1. 2. 3. 45. No, wait. Give me a minute. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Yeah, there it is.”
Now repeat the following numbers in the backward order: 10. 9. 8. Again, that’s 10. 9.
8.
Trump: “7”
What?
Trump: “That’s the next number.”
Okay, yes, but that’s not what I asked of you. Repeat the numbers 10. 9. 8. in the
backward order.
Trump: “10. 9. 8. Backwards.”
Sure, let’s go with that. I’m now going to read a list of letters. Every time I read the
letter “Q,” you must say, “I’m sorry.” If you mess up two or more times in this section,
you will be rewarded 0 points. Q, A, M, B, R… You already messed up once.”
Trump: “But I didn’t say anything.”
Like I said, whenever I utter the letter “Q,” you have to say, “I’m sorry.” If you mess up
one more time, you won’t receive any points for this section.
Trump: “Okay, I think I got it now, I think.”
Good. Here we go… V, W, X, C, D, Q
Trump: “Wait, hold up. I’m supposed to say something here.”
I’m sorry.
Trump: “For what?”
No, that’s what you have to say.
Trump: “Oh yeah, you’re sorry.”
No, I’m sorry.
Trump: “That’s what I said – you’re sorry.”
Okay, you’re sorry.
Trump: “Why would I be sorry?”
Oh, f*ck it. You pass the section. Moving on. Now I want you to subtract from 100
using multiples of 10. I’ll get it started for you. You know, so like 100, 90, 80, 70, 60,
50, 40, 30, 20, 10, and 0. Got it? Okay, now you go.
Trump: “What are multiples?”
You have go to be kidding me.
Trump: “No, seriously, what are they?”
…and you pass this section.
Trump: “That was easy.”
If only you knew…
Trump: “What?”
Exactly. I’m now going to ask you to repeat two sentences I will read to you. Here’s the
first one: I got impeached by the House, bigly.
Trump: “I got impeached by the House, bigly. But it was a fake impeachment, fake
House, and fake bigly, believe me.”
Okay then. The second sentence reads: Donald Trump is a lying, stinky pile of pig sh*t.
Trump: “Donald Trump is a lying, stinky pile of big sh*t.”
Well, it was pig sh*t, but I’m going to accept that answer. I’ll now give you a minute to
tell me as many words as you can which end with the letter “S.” Starting now…
Trump: “Seven”
No, end with the letter “s,” not begin with it.
Trump: “Okay, so six.”
That “s” comes at the beginning of the word. I’m asking for words which end in “s.”
Trump: “Covfefes, hamberders, smockings…”
That shall suffice. For this next section, you’re going to need to tell me what these
three pairs of words have in common.
Trump: “Wait, what’s that word you used? Self-ice? What’s that mean?”
Suffice. Look it up.
Trump: “What, in a book?”
Sure, or the Internet.
Trump: “I think you might be making up words. Is it a fake word? Only I know the best
words.”
Can we please move on? We’re almost done. Finally. Anyway, what do these two words
have in common - Barack Obama and Abraham Lincoln?
Trump: “They were both black.”
Is that really the answer you want to go with?
Trump: “No, no. They were both slaves.”
Let’s keep trying.
Trump: “They were both presidents with fake birth certificates.”
They were both presidents, so yeah, sure, you got part of it right. The next two words
are Kansas and Arkansas.
Trump: “They both end in ‘s.’”
Where was that earlier?
Trump: “What do you mean?”
Screw it. They’re both states, but I will give you that answer. Lastly, what do football
and basketball have in common?
Trump: “Lots of traitors kneeling during the anthem, who should be sent back to their
home countries.”
Most of them were born here, but no, that’s not what we’re looking for.
Trump: “Something to do with men playing with balls.”
They’re both sports, so yeah, that will be accepted.
Okay, for the final time, tell me the five random words I asked you to repeat earlier.
Trump: “I. Have. A. Very. Tiny. Penis.”
Yes! …and we are done!
Trump: “How’d I do? 100 percenters? Top of my class? Valid DeLorean?”
Not exactly, but I don’t think you have Alzheimer’s, so that’s good.
Trump: “So that means I have like the highest IQ, the bigliest brain of all time?”
If you say so. Now I think it’s time for a drink.
Trump: “But I don’t drink.”
Exactly. Good day.
From Snark to Finish: Yo-Semite Sam
For my from snark to finish segment this week, I bring to you more of the stable genius
that is Donald J. Trump. When speaking at the White House after signing the Great
American Outdoors Act on Tuesday, Trump mispronounced Yosemite National Park
not once, but twice. Here’s his quote:
"When young Americans experience the breathtaking beauty of the Grand Canyon,
when their eyes widen in amazement as Old Faithful bursts into the sky, when they
gaze upon yo-Semites, yo-Semites, towering sequoias, their love of country grows
stronger, and they know that every American has truly a duty to preserve this
wonderous inheritance."
Apparently Trump was having a case of the terrible Tuesdays. In the future, expect him
to mispronounce the following words:
- Lincoln = Lynn's colon
- Peru = Pee - are you?
- Louisiana = Lou is an Anna
- Indiana = In Diana
- Pennsylvania = Penis vans? Yeah.
- Jerusalem = Juries in Salem
- Guatemala = Guacamole
- Tokyo = Taco Bell
- Sudan = Already did. Wait, which Dan?
- Iceland = You see? No global warming.
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, you can check me
out on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig
Rozniecki. Take care.
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