Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 67: "This Is Spinal Tap: Presidential Edition" is now available!

Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"

Episode 67: This Is Spinal Tap: Presidential Edition

Premiere Date: 8/13/20

Length: 17:22 (2,450 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/this-is-spinal-tap-presidential-edition/

Transcript: 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 67, entitled, “This is Spinal Tap: Presidential Edition.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

Donald Trump is not smart. He’s not good with speeches. He’s not good with interviews. He’s not good with words. To put it bluntly, when Donald Trump opens his mouth, there’s a 99.999% chance it isn’t going to be good. This was depicted no clearer than in his recent sit-down with Axios reporter Jonathan Swan. The interview was so bad, the hashtag #Veep started trending on Twitter, because it reminded so many people of an episode from that very show. In the interview, Trump: suggested the Civil Rights Act was a mistake; defended a child sex-trafficker; said things were going great with regard to Coronavirus; and those weren’t even the worst parts. Yes, it was that bad. Actually it was worse. No matter how bad you’re thinking it was right now, yeah, it was worse than that. Here, please allow me to demonstrate just how awful it was. Here is my attempt to exaggerate the interview which likely can’t be exaggerated. Wish me luck…

Swan: “Thank you for joining us today. We all know how important your time is.”

Trump: “Precious. So very precious.”

Swan: “Yes. Well, as you’ve agreed to, we’re going to try and bring back the school year by talking to you about different subjects, to explore a side of you I don’t think many people often get to see – your academic one.”

Trump: “This is true. Very, very true. I’m like the biggest academia out there, believe me.”

Swan: “I’m sure. First off, what was your favorite subject in school?”

Trump: “Lunch”

Swan: “Well, that’s not really a subject. I’m talking about classes where you learned something.”

Trump: “There wasn’t a class where I learned more than lunch.”

Swan: “Okay, so what did you learn at lunch?”

Trump: “Honestly? Not much.”

Swan: “Oh, I can already tell this is going to go well.”

Trump: “I know, right?”

Swan: “We’ll start with science.”

Trump: “My favorite subject!”

Swan: “I thought you said your favorite subject was lunch.”

Trump: “They’re all my favorite subjects, Jonathan. I just love pretending to learn.”

Swan: “Great. I’m going to read to you the abbreviations of elements from the periodic table and you will tell me the full name of the element.”

Trump: “I got this. It sounds element-arary. Do you get it? Do you get it, Jonathan?”

Swan: “Yes, yes, I got it. You’re hilarious. ‘Au.’”

Trump: “Hey, yourself.”

Swan: “No, ‘Au.’ That’s the abbreviation.”

Trump: “Agua. You see? I speak Spanish. Lots of people don’t know that. They think I only speak English really good, but I speak lots of Spanish very banjo.”

Swan: “I think you mean ‘bueno,’ but no, ‘Au’ is not the abbreviation of Agua. It’s Gold. Up next we have ‘Fe.’”

Trump: “That’s not true, Jonathan. That’s just not true. ‘Banjo’ means good in Spanish. They say, ‘How are you doing?’ and I say ‘Like so banjo, you wouldn’t even know.’ Every time I say that, they smile and make funny noises as they do so. They like it.”

Swan: “That’s laughter. They’re laughing at you.”

Trump: “No, no they’re not. They were laughing with me.”

Swan: “Were you laughing?”

Trump: “No, but that’s irrelevant.”

Swan: “Well, actually… Okay, forget it. Again, the abbreviation is ‘Fe.’”

Trump: “Feet”

Swan: “No, it’s Iron. I’ll give you an easy one now – ‘O.’”

Trump: “Origasm”

Swan: “Do you mean orgasm?”

Trump: “No, origasm – you know the paper things.”

Swan: “Oh, no, it’s actually Oxygen. Let’s try something different – English.”

Trump: “Great. Nobody does English better than me. I know the best words. Isn’t that true, Jonathan? Don’t I have the best words?”

Swan: “Well, we’re about to find out. I’m going to give you three words and you’re to tell me their definitions. First word – ambivalence.”

Trump: “That’s one of those emergency vehicle thingies.”

Swan: “No. Next word – cumulonimbus.”

Trump: “Part of a woman’s body.”

Swan: “Wrong again. Final word – venereal.”

Trump: “Can I have the orange of the word?”

Swan: “No”

Trump: “How about the definition?”

Swan: “Nice try, but no.”

Trump: “Okay, so I think it’s like, you know, someone’s in a weird spot. Something bad might have happened and they’re feeling really venereal, you know?”

Swan: “I think you’re poorly describing ‘vulnerable,’ but no, that’s not it. Let’s move on to history. Who were the Founding Fathers?”

Trump: “Whoever found the fathers.”

Swan: “No, who were the Founding Fathers?”

Trump: “Whoever found them.”

Swan: “Okay, who specifically were the Founding Fathers?”

Trump: “The guys who found the fathers. Is that pacific enough for you?”

Swan: “No, but let’s move on to the next question. What role did Robert E. Lee play in the Civil War?”

Trump: “He was president at the time.”

Swan: “No, but just out of curiosity, of what was he president?”

Trump: “Kentucky Fried Chicken. He was the first colonel.”

Swan: “That’s… Wow… Okay, final question on this subject: who was Adolf Hitler?”

Trump: “He was that old bearded guy in Lord of the Rings.”

Swan: “That’s Gandalf. Okay, let’s move on to geography, shall we?”

Trump: “Yes, let’s.”

Swan: “Is North Carolina north or south of South Carolina?”

Trump: “This feels like a trick question. The obvious answer would be north.”

Swan: “So you think it’s probably something else?”

Trump: “Of course. This is what people don’t really know about me – the only time I overthink, or think at all really, is when the obvious is staring me in the face and I say, ‘Hey, hold on a second there, is that really an elephant or is it something else? It’s the whole elephant-and-the-mouse thing. What came first, you know?”

Swan: “I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Trump: “You see, and that’s okay. You’re not alone there, Jonathan. A lot of people feel that way. It’s just because my geniushood is so far beyond anyone else’s. Anyway, the answer to your question is east-west.”

Swan: “That wasn’t an option. It’s not even a direction.”

Trump: “Oh, yes it is. You see here on this compass? There’s the E over here and the W over there. That’s east and west, Jonathan.”

Swan: “Yes, but they’re in opposite directions.”

Trump: “I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree.”

Swan: “But you’re wrong.”

Trump: “That’s just your opinion, and I respect that, but it’s wrong.”

Swan: “No, it’s a fact. There is no such direction as east-west.”

Trump: “Yes, and that fact is your opinion.”

Swan: “That’s really not how it works. You do know the difference between facts and opinions, right?”

Trump: “Yes. All of my opinions are facts and facts aren’t facts if they’re not my opinions.”

Swan: “Okay, so no. Next question: Is Hawaii a state in the U.S.?”

Trump: “A state of what?”

Swan: “You know, a state. There are 50 states in the United States. Hawaii is one of them. So, yes or no, is Hawaii one of the 50 states in the United States?”

Trump: “Isn’t that where Obama was born, well, besides in Kenya?”

Swan: “He was born in two different places at once?”

Trump: “Allegedly”

Swan: “Only by you”

Trump: “Not true, Jonathan. Not true. There are many people saying Obama was born in two places at once. I’ve even heard from some people he was born in four or five places at once.”

Swan: “That’s not humanly possible. Obama was born in Hawaii and only Hawaii.”

Trump: “Then no, it’s not a state, and if it is, it’s a fake state.”

Swan: “That doesn’t make a lick of sense. For the final question on this subject, the country of Austria – what letter does it start with? Austria, that is?”

Trump: “That’s an easy one – ‘O’.”

Swan: “No. The final subject we’re going to tackle is math.”

Trump: “Ooh…”

Swan: “Let me guess, your favorite?”

Trump: “How did you know?”

Swan: “Lucky guess”

Trump: “You’re good!”

Swan: “180 degrees is half of what?”

Trump: “A lot of degrees”

Swan: “Yes, but how many?”

Trump: “What is more than 180, Alex?”

Swan: “I’d like an exact number.”

Trump: “Exactly more than 180 degrees.”

Swan: “It’s 360.”

Trump: “So I was right.”

Swan: “In a broad sense, yes. In a narrow sense, no.”

Trump: “I’ll go with the broad. I like broads. Do you like broads, Jonathan?”

Swan: “I don’t use that term.”

Trump: “What, ‘like’?”

Swan: “No. May we move on, please?”

Trump: “Sure, sure”

Swan: “Thank you. Next question: a – 7 = 0. What is ‘a’?”

Trump: “A letter”

Swan: “Yes, but in this equation…”

Trump: “The first letter of the alphabet.”

Swan: “Yes. Again, though, in this equation, what number does ‘a’ represent?”

Trump: “’A’ isn’t a number, Jonathan. We even taught that at Trump University.”

Swan: “At Trump University, you taught that ‘a’ wasn’t a number?”

Trump: “Yeah. It was one of the toughest classes, believe me.”

Swan: “I’m going to have to take your word for it. So, again, in the equation a – 7 = 0, what is ‘a’?”

Trump: “I’m only going to say this one more time – ‘a’ is a letter!”

Swan: “Yes, but in this scenario, it’s 7.”

Trump: “’A’ is 7? ‘A’ isn’t 7; ‘A’ is ‘A’.”

Swan: “The question is asking what minus 7 equals 0. Doesn’t 7 – 7 = 0?”

Trump: “I think so. Let me bust out my calculator. Where’s the equals thing?”

Swan: “Over here – the one with the equals sign.”

Trump: “Oh, that’s what that is. I always wondered. Okay, so yes, it’s 0.”

Swan: “So that then means ‘a’ equals 7, correct?”

Trump: “’A’ is ‘A’.”

Swan: “Okay, I give up. Your final math question is what’s 2 + 2?”

Trump: “7”

Swan: “It’s 4.”

Trump: “That’s your opinion.”

Swan: “Again, it’s a fact.”

Trump: “Hey, look. If I turn the numbers thingy upside down, it says boobs.”

Swan: “Okay, we’re done with that portion of the interview.”

Trump: “How’d I do?”

Swan: “I can honestly say I may never have crossed a student who was more deserving of red ink than you.”

Trump: “I’ll take that as a compliment, Jonathan.”

Swan: “You would.”

Trump: “I just did.”

Swan: “Yes, I know. Okay, for this next part of the interview, I’m going to just broadly ask you to talk about your favorite scientist, word, event, location, number, whatever, when it comes to the five subjects we just discussed. Are you ready?”

Trump: “I was born ready.”

Swan: “That’s very reassuring.”

Trump: “Isn’t it, though?”

Swan: “Not exactly. Okay, so in the subject of science, what is the first thing, person, class, etc. that comes to mind when you think of science? It can be anything. I hesitate to say this, but there really is no wrong answer to this next set of questions.”

Trump: “Okay, so back in high school, when I was paying this smart Asian kid to do a science project for me…”

Swan: “Okay, I stand corrected. How about a different story?”

Trump: “I thought you said there was no such thing as wrong here.”

Swan: “Yes, and I was wrong.”

Trump: “What’s that like? Being wrong?”

Swan: “You don’t know?”

Trump: “Not from personal expedience.”

Swan: “Experience?”

Trump: “Yeah, that.”

Swan: “Yeah… So, back to the science question. Okay, how about answering this: who’s your favorite scientist of all time?”

Trump: “Dr. Phil”

Swan: “Whatever. In the subject of English, what’s the first thing that springs to mind?”

Trump: “Words”

Swan: “Okay, let’s go with that. What’s your favorite word?”

Trump: “United Shtathes”

Swan: “That is a good word.”

Trump: “I have the best words, Jonathan. The best words. Words you don’t even know.”

Swan: “I’m not sure anyone does.”

Trump: “Exactly.”

Swan: “Moving on, what historical event do you find most fascinating?”

Trump: “The first one that comes to mind for me is… I think it happened in the late-‘80s or early-‘90s.”

Swan: “Yes, okay, go on…”

Trump: “This kid got left behind as his parents and family went away for Christmas vacation somewhere. This family was pretty well off. A couple of burglars came by and tried to burgle the place by burgling it, but the kid wouldn’t have any of it. He set up boobie-traps and all sorts of stuff. Meanwhile, the parents realized as they were flying in the clouds and stuff that this kid was home by himself. So they like started to freak. When they finally got back home, the kid had already fought off the burglars. He was safe and sound, but was very angry and called Santa Claus the bigliest hoax ever.”

Swan: “I don’t remember that last part. What you just described was the movie Home Alone.”

Trump: “Ah, I don’t think so.”

Swan: “I know so.”

Trump: “How would you know? You weren’t there. You weren’t Kevin, lil’ Kevin, Kevin McCallister.”

Swan: “That’s the boy’s name in the movie.”

Trump: “Look, you asked a question, and I gave you the best answer in the history of answer thingies.”

Swan: :: sighs :: “Let’s move on to geography. What is your favorite spot in the world?”

Trump: “Thighland”

Swan: “How did I know you were going to say that?”

Trump: “Because it’s the right answer? Have you ever been to Thighland, Jonathan?”

Swan: “I’ve been to Thailand.”

Trump: “Well then, you’re missing out.”

Swan: “If you say so.”

Trump: “I do. I say so.”

Swan: “Lastly, tell me something about math. What’s your favorite kind of math?; Who’s your favorite mathematician?; anything?”

Trump: “So, about that smart Asian kid I paid to…”

Swan: “…and we’re done.”

Trump: “But I didn’t answer the question.”

Swan: “I think you did.”

Trump: “Was it a good answer?”

Swan: “Oh, the best.”

Trump: “I knew it!”

Swan: “Before we go, I’m being told we have time for one more question. What advice do you have for kids who are in school or going back to school?”

Trump: “Make sure you have a billionaire father who can help you pay smart Asian kids to…”

Swan: “Thank you for your time, Mr. President. We’ve certainly seen a new side of you today and I’m flummoxed on whether or not that’s a good thing.”

Trump: “There you go again with those fake words.”

Swan: “Good day, sir. Thank you again.”

Trump: “Yes, yes, thank me.”

Yes, it was that bad. He turned the stupid up to 11 and beyond, bigly.

That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, you can check me out on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.