Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"
Episode 68: A ClusterTrump
Premiere Date: 8/21/20
Length: 18:39 (2,607 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/a-clustertrump/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 68, entitled, “A ClusterTrump.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
Donald Trump has never shied away from typos, gaffes, or misstatements, but he’s put the screw-ups and lies into overdrive over the past couple weeks, and I plan covering all of them – at least all the ones I can remember. There are 18 such examples.
#1 Let’s Trade Country Things
Former Department of Homeland Security chief of staff – Miles Taylor – said on MSNBC that, “President Donald Trump asked me and other officials whether the U.S. could swap Greenland for Puerto Rico because, in Trump’s words, ‘Puerto Rico was dirty and the people were poor.’”
In response to this, Melania Trump has been rumored as saying that once her hubby loses the election, she plans on swapping him for another man, because he’ll still be dirty, as well as poor.
#2 The Cure For COVID? A Crackhead.
The creator of MyPillow and former crackhead – Mike Lindell – met with Donald Trump to discuss oleandrin as a possible cure for COVID. According to Lindell, Trump was “enthusiastic” at the suggestion. The Donald later added, “I’ve heard about it. We’ll look at it, we’ll look at it, we’re looking at a lot of different things. I will say the FDA has been great. They are very close. We’re very close to a vaccine. Very close to a therapeutic. I have heard that name mentioned, we’ll find out.”
Oleandrin, which has not been approved by the FDA, is a plant extract which is toxic. Consuming just one leaf of it can be fatal. Understandably, in the ensuing days, medical experts the world over warned people to not consume any such substance.
Donald Trump really does know the best people and have the best ideas, doesn’t he? Let’s look back at all of the genius COVID cures either Trump or someone in his inner-circle has suggested: staring at the sun; chugging Clorox; taking anti-malaria drugs; and consuming poison. What’ll his next suggestion be? I’ve thought long and hard about this. What I think he’ll advise, with all my heart, is to take a gun and shoot yourself in the face, because the bullets will kill the virus. The NRA will then respond, “People don’t kill viruses; guns kill viruses.”
#3 China First!
Goodyear Tires, whose headquarters is located in Akron, Ohio, has banned employees from sporting MAGA gear. Upon hearing this, of course, Donald Trump took to Twitter and wrote: “Get better tires for far less! Radical Left Democrats! Two can play the same game, and we have to start playing now!” For the record, Goodyear is one of only two major American tire-manufacturing companies, with the other being Cooper. …and guess where MAGA hats are made? That’s right – China.
Let’s take a look back at Trump’s slogans, shall we?
“America First.” Yeah, sure, if America were named Donald Trump, Russia, or China.
“Make America Great Again” (Part Deux). It was going to be “Keeping America Great,” but since Trump didn’t make America great again the first time, he had to repeat the same promise he uttered four years prior. He’s like that alcoholic husband who continually tells his wife, “I’m gonna stop drinking again.” Yeah, after the 7th or 8th time, that begins to lose a bit of its luster. “I’m gonna make America great again, believe me! It didn’t happen 4 years ago, 8 years ago, 22 years ago, but it’s gonna happen this time, folks. Like every other time it didn’t happen, yeah, it’s gonna happen, bigly.”
#4 Saving Through Destruction
Trump said he opposed funding the United States Postal Service. Not long after, he tweeted, in all caps, “SAVE THE POST OFFICE!”
He has essentially been attempting to dismantle the post office and make them non-functional until after election day, yet here he is yelling to save that which he is actively trying to destroy. That’d be like the Orange Menace shooting at someone on 5th Avenue, while he’s doing this, shouting, “SOMEONE SAVE THAT MAN! SAVE HIM, PLEASE!,” and continuing to fire bullets at him. Yeah, that right there would prove he didn’t intend to shoot the guy in the first place. Riiight…
#5 He Keeps Tweeting Those Words. I Do Not Think They Mean What He Thinks They Mean.
Speaking of the post office, Trump has continually hailed absentee ballots on his Twitter feed, while at the same time decrying mail-in voting. Newsflash: an absentee ballot is mail-in voting.
What’s he going to say next? “Going to the voting booths on election day is perfectly fine, but no in-person voting! Fraud! Rigged election! Witch-hunt! Hoax! People voting! No!”
#6 The Best Women Are Dead Women
In an effort to try and appeal to suburban women, Trump did a remarkable thing – he pardoned Susan B. Anthony, who’s been dead for 114 years. Yes, pardoning dead women, while stripping rights of living women, will certainly win him the women’s vote come November. If he speaks to Billy Bush again, he’ll almost certainly say, “When you’re a star, they’ll let you do anything. Grab ‘em by the tombstone, anything.”
#7 The Capital of the Middle East Is ME
During a rally in Oshkosh, Wisconsin, Trump said, “I moved the capital of Israel to Jerusalem for the evangelicals.”
While it may not have been recognized as such by the U.S. until 2017, Jerusalem has been the capital of Israel since 1949. The Donald probably doesn’t remember this. He had just turned 119 when this took place.
#8 You Can’t Spell “Grief” Without “Crooked Stick,” “Little White Balls,” and “Strokes”
While his 71-year-old brother, Robert S. Trump, laid dying in a hospital, what was Donald doing? Golfing with former NFL place kicker Jay Feely. Oh, and did I tell you Trump claimed that his now deceased brother was his best friend?
I can just hear older brother Donny giving his younger brother’s eulogy:
“My younger brother – Fred, Jr. – was my best friend. It’s so sad what happened. So so sad. Oh, this is who? Rowboat? Rob? Robert? Okay, so yeah, Robert was my best friend. I loved Rowboat so much, you don’t even know. I mean, how could you? While he was sadly dying and stuff, I was happily using my crooked little stick to play with balls while on some green. As he stopped breathing, I did what a best friend should do and was smiling, laughing, riding in a bigly gold cart. The best, the best cart. But I was riding along. Do-dee-do-dee-do. So, anyway, where was I? Ah, yes, my dead best friend brother person thing. Thoughts and prayers to his family, whoever they might be.”
#9 You’re Going to Need to Show Your Work
During an interview with Fox “Not Really” News, Vice President Mike Pence claimed that the Trump administration had created “more jobs in the last three months than Joe Biden and Barack Obama created in their eight years in office.”
How many jobs were created in the past 3 months? 9 million. How many jobs were lost before that? 20.8 million. That’s a net -11.8 million jobs, which means there were 11.8 million more jobs lost than created.
What Pence is essentially saying is, if a family went bankrupt but received a $1,200 check from the government due to the COVID pandemic, “Oh, so you’re doing pretty well then? That’s just fantastic! Good to hear! You’re welcome!” Idiot…
#10 The Cure For Cancer Is Here!
Throughout the COVID pandemic, Donald Trump has continually stated and tweeted things like, “With smaller testing, we would show fewer cases,” “If we didn’t do testing, we’d have no cases,” and “When you test, you have a case.”
He really is that stupid, folks. Just because a pregnant woman didn’t take a pregnancy test, that doesn’t mean she’s not pregnant. In line with this logic, Trump believes if people never went to the doctors, we’d be rid of cancer. It’s no wonder Trump’s parents paid kids to take his tests for him to get through school. It was his philosophy that if you skip a test, you can’t fail it.
#11 “Hustory” 101
At a briefing, when discussing the impacts of COVID, Trump said, “The closest thing is in 1917, they say, the great pandemic. It certainly was a terrible thing where they lost anywhere from 50 million to 100 million people, probably ended the Second World War. All the soldiers were sick. That was a terrible situation.”
Let’s fact-check this. The Spanish Flu occurred in 1918. The estimation of deaths is between 20 and 50 million. Oh, and World War II didn’t end until 1945, a full 27 years after this pandemic.
In the future, expect Trump to say, “A lot of people don’t know this. I don’t that anybody does actually. The War of 1812 was actually fought in 1785. Fact. Goggle it.”
#12 Bitch, Pence…
When speaking to self-described Christian Trump supporters in Sioux Center, Iowa, New York Times reporter Elizabeth Dias noted that one such woman – Caryn Schouten – said this of Vice President Pence: “This is probably a very bad analogy, but I’d say he is like the very supportive, submissive wife to Trump. He does the hard work, and the husband gets the glory. If you are a hard-working Caucasian-American, your rights are being limited because you are seen as against all the races or against women. Or there are people who think that because we have conservative values and we value the family and I value submitting to my husband, I must be against women’s rights. I would say it takes a stronger woman to submit to a man than to want to rule over him. And I would argue that point to the death.”
Well, then she would die being wrong. Next.
#13 Case #9,477,825 of Obama Envy
At a town hall in Green Bay, Wisconsin, when Faux News’s Sean Hannity asked Trump what his greatest first-term accomplishment was, the man-baby they call Drumpf responded, “We got Veterans Choice approved and Veterans Accountability … Very hard to get. You couldn’t get it for 50 years. I got it. The other thing is Veterans Choice … If you can’t see a doctor you go out and you see a private doctor, and we pay the bill.”
Yeah, as Joe Biden would say, “That’s a bunch of malarkey.” The Veterans Access to Care through Choice, Accountability, and Transparency Act was first signed by? Drumroll please… Barack Obama in 2014.
Yeah, you know what Trump will be most envious of Obama about? Getting elected to two terms.
#14 Mount Douchemore
In a tweet, Trump noted that he thought adding his face to Mount Rushmore would be “a good idea.” The tweet was in response to a New York Times story, which suggested Trump had approached the South Dakota governor about adding his face to the historic sculpture. At that, Trump responded in tweet form, as he so often does: “This is Fake News by the failing New York Times & bad ratings CNN. Never suggested it although, based on all of the many things accomplished during the first 3 ½ years, perhaps more than any other Presidency, sounds like a good idea to me!”
The only place Donald Trump’s face belongs is at the bottom of a toilet, because he’s a piece of shit that needs to be flushed.
#15 Thanks, Obama!
At his golf club in Bedminster, New Jersey, The Donald said he would be pursuing an executive order which would require health insurance companies to cover individuals with pre-existing conditions. He added, “That’s a big thing. We have to cover pre-existing conditions. This has never been done before, but it’s time the people of our country are properly represented and properly taken care of.”
Actually, it has been done before. It’s called the Affordable Care Act, or to some, Obamacare.
This is Trump’s philosophy. He attempts to remove others’ accomplishments, before implementing the same thing he removed, and then takes full credit. Any day now, expect him to announce the cancellation of the Emancipation Proclamation, before saying, “I’m now going to pass historic legislation, something that’s never been done before. From this moment forward, if you’re a black person, I mean a slave, you’re like free and shit. No dijjity or whatever.”
#16 “Yes, I’ll Have the Pad-Thigh.”
While speaking at a factory in Clyde, Ohio, Trump uttered the following:
“Four or five years ago this place was a disaster. Once more, your foreign competitors moved their factories to prevent a level playing field, and to avoid liability. Shifting production to Thighland, and to Vietnam…”
Given his apparent inability to pronounce Thailand or his propensity to swap the words “Thai” and “thigh,” expect the Cheeto-in-Chief to, at some point, say:
- “If I ever go to Thighland, I’ll order the chicken Thais while wearing a bow thigh, believe me!”
- “I’m gonna run a helluva race, win, lose, or thigh!”
- “My favorite city in the world is Bangkok, Thighland, bigly!”
- “The number one rule for looking professional is wearing a nice suit and thigh.”
- “I’m so glad they added those overtime things in college football. There’s nothing worse than when your team thighs.”
- “I have absolutely no respect for anyone who wears a clip-on thigh.”
- “When you’re a star, they let you do anything. Grab ‘em by the Thais, anything.”
- “Look, in case the two teams thigh, we need a thigh-breaker, okay?”
- “Melanie, have you seen my red, white, and blue thigh? You know, my lucky one? My lucky thigh?”
- “I can’t say I’m a big fan of Asian food: Jiiinese, Native-American, or Thigh.”
#17 Apparently There’s No Bigger Snowflake Than God
While speaking in Ohio, Trump said, “Biden’s following the radical left agenda: take away your guns, destroy your Second Amendment, no religion, no anything, hurt the Bible, hurt God. He’s against God, he’s against guns.”
Okay, so first of all, “take away your guns” and “destroy your Second Amendment” is a tad redundant. Secondly, is he saying it’ll hurt God’s feelings if Biden is elected; he’ll inevitably hurt God’s feelings with his rhetoric and actions post-election; or enacting stricter gun laws will hurt God? Regardless, Trump has quite the gall to suggest anyone else would hurt God, considering he:
- is an incessant liar
- is a serial adulterer
- is a sexual predator
- puts himself above anyone else, including “God”
- covets all that he doesn’t possess
- steals bigly
- honors only himself
But yeah, electing Biden over Trump will surely hurt God’s feelings…
#18 Bert and Larry
At a rally in Lackawanna County, Pennsylvania, Trump decided to show the crowd he knew a little bit about the state’s history, saying, “From Scranton to Easton… How’s Ernie doing, good? How good is Ernie? Is he great? Ernie Holmes. He was heavyweight champ, right?”
Psst, that would have been Larry Holmes.
Given this slip, expect Trump to say these things in the future:
- In Ohio: “What’s James up to anyway? The basketball player? LeBanese James? Where’s he at now?”
- In Florida: “You know who always liked watching play? Your quarterback. He’s in commercials now. I see him all the time. Stan Marino.”
- In Wisconsin: “That basketball player of yours is something else, isn’t he? What’s his name again? Ginormous? Ginormous Artmaster? Did I get that right? He is good!”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, you can check me out on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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