Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 81: "'Clue': Trumponavirus Edition - Part 3 ('But here's what really happened.' Maybe.)," is now available!
Podcast: I Feel Snitty
Episode 81: "Clue": Trumponavirus Edition - Part 3 ("But here's what really happened." Maybe.)
Premiere date: 10/8/20
Length: 5:23 (907 words)
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 81, entitled, "'Clue': Trumponavirus Edition - Part 3 ('But here's what really happened.' Maybe.)" I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
Like I said in part 2, since I already went over all of the introductory shtuff in part 1, I’ll bypass that in the final portion of the trilogy. Here is part 3 of said trilogy, entitled, “But here’s what really happened. Maybe.”
Trump: “Say what?”
Dr. Conley: “You have COVID.”
Trump: “But I’m immune. I’m immune to it. My immunes take care of everything.”
Dr. Conley: “Apparently not.”
Trump: “Isn’t that true, though? If you’re president, you’re immune to all bad stuff?”
Dr. Conley: “What about Lincoln and Kennedy?”
Trump: “What about them?”
Dr. Conley: “You do know what happened to them, right?”
Trump: “Yes, they became president.”
Dr. Conley: “…and?”
Trump: “They gave really good speeches.”
Dr. Conley: “Okay… So, anyway, you have COVID. You’re going to have to stay in isolation for a couple of weeks.”
Trump: “What about my debate? It’s the first debate. I need to show Sleepy Joe and Stupid Chris who’s boss by interrupting them 128 times to take control of the election! I can’t cancel it. I’ll look almost as weak as Pansy Joe.”
Dr. Conley: “You’re going to have to cancel, or at least postpone it, until you’ve been COVID-free for a couple of weeks.”
Trump: “Not gonna do it. Can’t do it. Me winning the election, even if it kills half the population in the process, is what we need to better heal this nation.”
Dr. Conley: “You make an excellent point. Okay, so how about this? Not long after the debate, we say you contracted COVID. This way, you can still debate, and there’s a chance you could infect Biden on the debate stage. While I wish no ill upon him, he’s an elderly 77-years-old. You’re a young, strong, and vibrant 74. If you both got it, there’s no question he would probably die and you’d eventually start glowing and growing – upwards of 8 feet. You’d become a giant, both literally and figuratively. Also, if I get questioned about the timeline, I’ll just refer to my hypocritical oath.”
Post-Debate
Trump: “So, how was I? Was I not the greatest you’ve ever seen? Was I glowing yet?”
Dr. Conley: “Eh, I think we’ll blame the COVID for your performance. It’s time we get you to Walter Reed.”
Trump: “Drugs?”
Dr. Conley: “We’ll give you so many drugs, you’ll be posting tweets which don’t make a lick of sense. You’ll literally sound high when people read them.”
Trump: “That sounds good! Take me to the drugs!”
Dr. Conley: “Hospital.”
Trump: “Yeah, that too!”
Four Days Later
Trump: “Okay, get me out of here. I feel great, the best I’ve ever felt, and I’ve felt many great things, believe me – some legally, some not so much.”
Dr. Conley: “That’s the drugs talking.”
Trump: “Then just give me more drugs and get me on my way.”
Dr. Conley: “You’re still contagious.”
Trump: “I thought we already established I’m immune to contagious.”
Dr. Conley: “No, we established you’re not. You need to get some rest.”
Trump: “Not without more steroids! Come on, docs, do the impossible and shrink my balls!”
Dr. Conley: “I really don’t think this is a good idea. If we release you now, you could suffer a serious relapse, perhaps even die.”
Trump: “But I’ll look strong doing it.”
Dr. Conley: “Not if you’re dead.”
Trump: “Sure, I would. It’s like some people, many people, some of the best people always tell me, ‘A man looks strongest when he walks up a few stairs, passes out, and dies.’”
Dr. Conley: “I don’t believe anyone, before you just now, ever said that.”
Trump: “You can’t prove that.”
Dr. Conley: “Neither can you.”
Trump: “Exactly.”
Dr. Conley: “What? Okay, so you’re insistent on being discharged, is that correct?”
Trump: “I don’t know what that means, but I don’t like being charged with anything, so I’m going to say yes.”
Dr. Conley: “Fine. Wait, what about, while wearing your mask, waving to supporters as you ride in the back of a car? You’d have the potential of infecting far fewer people that way.”
Trump: “Great idea! Then I will be decharged.”
Dr. Conley: “No, I’m saying instead of being discharged, going for that car ride.”
Trump: “I’m saying I want to go for a ride and then be non-charged.”
Dr. Conley: :: sighs ::
Trump: “Are you experiencing heavy breathing too?”
Dr. Conley: “Not yet, but if things continue to go like this, I likely will due to an anxiety attack.”
Trump: “Sucks to be you.”
Dr. Conley: “Yeah. So, before you go on your joyride, or whatever you want to call it, do you think we should get you fixed up and release a video, where you appear to be in better condition than you’re actually in?”
Trump: “That’s a great idea. Give me 4 hours!”
Four Hours Later
Trump: “Ladies and gentlemen, flames, flames on the seat of my pants, burning, burning every time I speak. Burning…”
…and scene…
So, to sum up, Donald Trump did it, with his mouth, in this room, that room, and the other room.
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, you can check me out on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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