Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 80: "'Clue': Trumponavirus Edition - Part 2 ('But how about this?')," is now available!

Podcast: I Feel Snitty

Episode 80: "Clue": Trumponavirus Edition - Part 2 ("But how about this?")

Premiere Date: 10/8/20

Length: 4:32 (707 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/clue-trumponavirus-edition-part-2-but-how-about-this/

Transcript: 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 80, entitled, "'Clue': Trumponavirus Edition - Part 2 ('But how about this?')" I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

Since I already went through the introductory content in part 1 of this trilogy, I won’t bother rehashing all of that. So, onto part 2, entitled, “But how about this?”

Trump: “I gathered you all today to talk strategery. While I think I had the best debate of all time, some people are saying it wasn’t the best of all time – like it was only 2nd best. There’s also a lot of true fake news about me not paying taxes, or not very much taxes. So, we need to get the lamestream media off our backs by placing our backs on their fronts! How do we do that? I’m so glad I asked. We fake getting the Jiiina Virus. It’s so genius, I like can’t even like believe it or whatever. You get COVID; you get COVID; you get COVID; you get COVID; you get COVID; you get COVID, and I, of course, get the fake virus. This will take all the attention off the true fake stuff and onto this fake stuff – you know, the not true fake stuff. Also, people will think I’m like dying and shit, so they’ll say to themselves, “Whoa, I feel bad for this dying president. I think I’m going to vote for him now. He might be dead anyway, so why not?” Then I can beat the virus in record time – like faster than Herman Cain even beat it – and then will tell the world in my best Chuck Norris voice – “I beat it, bigly.” It’ll be fantastic, just fantastic. Then all of you will talk about how strong I am; how the Jiiina Virus should be scared of me; and help make it known I’m no longer contagious after four days – so I can keep debating, doing rallies, and banging mannequins that are 7s or 8s, tops. Any questions? Yes, Kellyanne.”

Conway: “Would it help if I called what I got an ‘alternative virus’?”

Trump: “Of course. Hope, do you have a question?”

Hicks: “Should I begin spreading rumors that we got this by making out?”

Trump: “Ooh, I wish, I wish, but that might not play very well, since I’m still married to wife #3 and everything.”

Hicks: “Melania?”

Trump: “Melanie, yes. Stephen?”

Miller: “Is it going to be believable that I contracted this thing, since my species is supposedly immune to it?”

Trump: “Yes. For the record, I’ve never seen a more human-like snake in all my many, many, many years.”

Miller: “Thank you.”

Trump: “Ronna, did you have a question?”

McDaniel: “Yes, if I continue to tweet by pretending to have COVID, will my computer get the virus?”

Trump: “Do you have one of those Malware thingies?”

McDaniel: “Yes”

Trump: “Then you should be fine. Kayleigh, question?”

McEnany: “Mr. President, with all due respect, I told the media on day 1 that I would never lie to them. Does this not constitute as a lie?”

Trump: “Is that supposed to be a joke?”

McEnany: “Yes. Do you get it?”

Trump: “Not really. So, if there are no other questions, I’ll turn it over to the man behind this plan – your true president – Vladimir Putin. Puty, can you hear me?”

Putin: “Yes, Mr. President, and thank you all for coming today on such small notice. Donald Trump must win to further destroy America, and the only way he has chance is by pretending to almost kill him. It like saying go, ‘That which you say almost kill you, but really don’t, make you president for second time.’ Remember, Mr. President, if you pull this one off, I have special hooker for you in Moscow named ‘Mule.” I think you will like.”

Trump: “Thank you, President Putyface. I love you.”

Putin: “Never say again. (G)oodbye.”

Trump: “There we have it. This is like the perfect plan. Nothing could go wrong. Seriously though, what do we have to lose?”

…and scene…

That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, you can check me out on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.