Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 195: "Can You Hear Me Now? Part 2" is now available!

Podcast: I Feel Snitty

Episode 195: Can You Hear Me Now? Part 2

Premiere Date: 6/14/2022

Length: 7:34 (1,217 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/can-you-hear-me-now-part-2/

Transcript: 

 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 195, entitled, “Can You Hear Me Now? Part 2.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

 

In the 2^nd of 7 scheduled hearings on the January 6^th domestic terrorist attack on the U.S. Capitol, there were a few things of note.

 

First, former Attorney General William Barr’s favorite post-election word when describing Donald Trump is “bullshit.” He also laughed at felon right-wing nut job Dinesh D’Souza’s latest unintentional mockumentary, 2,000 Mules. As a self-plug on my own show, I just thought I’d let it be known, whenever I get my voice back from this seemingly never-ending cold, I will record a parody I wrote about the aforementioned unintentional mockumentary. To the tune of The Proclaimers’ hit song, “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles),” it’s called “They’re Gonna Watch (2,000 Mules).”

 

Okay, back to my analysis of the hearing. Arguably the most jaw-dropping quote of the session came via California Democratic Representative Zoe Lofgren, who contended, based on the evidence they found, Donald Trump essentially conned his supporters out of $250 million post-election, when he claimed he needed the money to fight alleged election fraud – courtesy of what he termed the “Election Defense Fund,” only to use said money for other means, such as for Trump’s hotels and Mark Meadows’ circle-jerk parties – okay, a nonprofit led by Meadows, but it’s my firm belief, void of any evidence, that this nonprofit is a series of circle-jerk parties.

 

With regard to the supposed “Election Defense Fund,” former Trump campaign staffer – Hanna Allred – said, “I don’t believe there was actually a fund called the Election Defense Fund.”

 

The main theme of the 2^nd hearing was the attempt by Donald Trump to brand the 2020 election as stolen to the public and persuade courts to overturn it. No conspiracy Trump heard was too ridiculous to take up and call on his legal team to investigate, and after an investigation of one conspiracy led to a dead-end, and it was reported as such to Trump, he’d shrug it off and point to the next one, in a seemingly never-ending series of debunked gobbledygook spread via AOL chain emails and cooked up by a coked-up, tinfoil-hat-in-August-wearing Uncle Jack. The thing is, Trump was apparently told countless times by just about everyone on his campaign team what was going to happen on election night and in the days which followed: 1) Trump would be shown to lead in key important battleground states, sometimes by a fairly wide margin, 2) The early votes, mail-in ballots, which would likely favor Joe Biden by a significant degree, would get counted after the same-day votes, and this could take up to several days post-election day, and 3) Due to all this, the election likely wouldn’t get decided until well after election day. His top advisors told him of this; his lawyers; his other staff members, yet despite all their protestations, he decided to follow the advice of an apparently drunk Rudy Giuliani, who advised him to declare he had won on election night, well before the race had been called, instead. I say America’s former mayor was apparently drunk, because several witnesses said this much. On election night, Trump staff members described Rudy as “inebriated,” “intoxicated,” “drunk,” and “had a few too many.” But yes, since the drunkard told Trump to say what he wanted to say anyway, he of course went that direction.

 

This is how I think said conversation between a losing Donald Trump and a shit-faced Rudy Giuliani likely went on election night:

 

Trump: “So, what do I do then? I know I won. I’m up by big numbers, like lots of thousands, bigly thousands in Pennsylvania and stuff. It’s so obvious I won.”

 

Giuliani: “Exactly! Tell the world what we already know – you won! Tell everyone you won in Pennsylvania; you won in Georgia; you won in Russia; you won in China; you won in Michigan!”

 

Trump: “I won in all those places! I even won in Button, Nambia, Thighland, and Nipple!”

 

Giuliani: “I know it; you know it; and Jim and Jack know it!”

 

Trump: “Who are Jim and Jack?”

 

Giuliani: “Beam and Daniels! One second, let me get a couple more bottles.”

 

Trump: “What are you talking about? You’ve already got two full bottles on your MAGA helmet, with plastic tubes going into your mouth. Just put your mouth around the tubes and suck!”

 

Giuliani: “If I had a nickel for every time I was told to do that!”

 

Trump: “How much would you have?”

 

Giuliani: “I don’t know, 12 cents. Anyway, where were we?”

 

Trump: “You were getting ready to suck on some long things and get the liquids into your mouth.”

 

Giuliani: “Oh yeah.”

 

Trump: “Hello?”

 

Giuliani: “Hi.”

 

Trump: “Are you there?”

 

Giuliani: “Hot damn, that shit’s good! Now, where were we?”

 

Trump: “You just asked me that.”

 

Giuliani: “What did I say?”

 

Trump: “You asked me where were we.”

 

Giuliani: “…and what did you say?”

 

Trump: “You were going to suck on long things with liquids.”

 

Giuliani: “Oh, yeah! Okay, so, we need to think up all the ways Biden and the Democrats likely committed voter fraud. After you declare victory, you need to give some examples of that.”

 

Trump: “I’ve been hearing lots of things. From people, many people. Lots of people. People.”

 

Giuliani: “Me too. I heard from this one guy on Reddit, who goes by the name of YearZeroProof, who said he saw a toad who filled out a ballot, before turning into a prince and filling out another one. He had to have been a Biden voter!”

 

Trump: “That has to be true! I heard one where this guy and girl email each other back and forth. They’ve apparently never met; don’t know if the other is a 10, but keep writing. That can mean only one thing – they’re sending hundreds of online votes for Biden to each other!”

 

Giuliani: “I heard from a guy on CNN, and this has to be the weirdest one of all. He said socialist, Marxist, communist California has more voters than the wonderful and patriotic Wyoming. More voters? More electoral votes in a sapphire blue state like California than a ruby red state like Wyoming? If that doesn’t scream corruption and fraud, I don’t know what does!”

 

Trump: “That’s just not right!”

 

Giuliani: “You’re right; it’s left! Ha, do you get it?!?”

 

Trump: “What’s left?”

 

Giuliani: “Like, you know, it’s not right; it’s left.”

 

Trump: “What is?”

 

Giuliani: “It”

 

Trump: “What is ‘it’?”

 

Giuliani: “That sounds familiar.”

 

Trump: “To what?”

 

Giuliani: “I don’t know, but something.”

 

Trump: “Whatever. Do you think all of these facts we have at our proposal will be enough when I declare victory?”

 

Giuliani: “Of course! Truth isn’t truth, but where did I put the sweet vermouth?”

 

Trump: “It’s all over your shirt.”

 

Giuliani: “No, that’s the everclear. Wait, you’re right. The everclear is on my pants. Do you smell something?”

 

Trump: “Yeah, what is that?”

 

Giuliani: “I feel this warm presence by my ass and balls. I hope it’s not what the doctor warned me about last week.”

 

Trump: “FIRE!!!”

 

…and scene.

 

That’s it for today’s episode. Until next time, you can find me on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, Facebook, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.