MAGA Horoscopes

As I find both horoscopes and MAGA humorous, I decided to write MAGA-themed horoscopes for the hell of it. Here they are. Enjoy!

Aries (March 21 – April 19): On your date with Diamond on Saturday, you’re going to give her a bunch of singles and after you cum in record time, you’ll proudly shout, “Fastest ever! Winning!” Immediately after your date contends speed doesn’t equal victory, you respond, “Sex is rigged!”

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): After being diagnosed by Rand Paul with Lazy AF Eye, you need some time to chill; gather your thoughts; and find your Zen. You’ll do that by going to the shooting range and screaming obscenities while opening fire on a target made to resemble Mr. Paul’s doppelganger – a Chia-Pet. When a child sees this; begins to cry; and screams, “You Chia-Pet murderer!,” you calmly yell back, “Guns don’t kill Chia-Pets; Chia-Pets kill Chia-Pets!”

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): As only a true Gemini would, you decided to make your New Year’s resolution “masturbating on the treadmill while watching 'Murder, She Wrote.'” As this will be your first attempt, you will fall awkwardly and break your penis. Given the size-challenged nature of your unit, doctors will need to special-order a mini-small cast, but never fear, you will continue to try and accomplish your aforementioned resolution; fail; and 13 broken penises later, think, “So long as I do the same thing, it’s going to happen for me eventually. I can feel it, bigly.”

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): As an old, white man and a Cancer, your women’s-intuition is strong. This will lead to visions, courtesy of acid-trips from 40 years ago, which show you God is calling on you to change the world. You’ll take him literally; get wasted on the most Alpha drink of all – Merlot; and tear up every world map you can find, besides America. Why? Because, as it says in Two Corinthians, “God thinks America is the f*cking sh*t.”

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Like every other night, tonight is going to be your night. You’re going to rock the mic at your favorite neighborhood karaoke bar – Red, White, and Screwed. It doesn’t matter how great or awful you are when you mumble the words to “Rocket Man” nor when you mistakenly read “Jesus loves the little chickens” off the teleprompter, you’re going to defy science and literally give it 110%, and let everybody know. While it’s debatable on whether or not Muhammad Ali actually was the greatest, there can be no debating you will break the all-time world record for number of times you say you’re the greatest. After receiving unanimous boos and being kicked out of the bar, your final slurred words will be, “I know more about music than magicians!”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You are a true Virgo at heart. If there were ever such a thing as a “logical perfectionist,” it would be you. Given this and your inherent belief that practice does in fact make perfect, you will rent a bowling alley next week, in attempt to perfect the sport and find a way to roll nothing but 300s. Unfortunately, you will top off at just 45, and this will frustrate you to the point where you hurl yourself down the lane, only to knock down three pins; wind up getting stuck; and be rushed to a hospital due to what doctors refer to as “a partial decapitation of the head.” When later asked about the cause of the hospitalization, you blame the COVID vaccine.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Fittingly, as a scale is your sign, you tend to be obsessed with balance. Symmetry is so important to you, you actually changed your middle name to SymmetryyrtemmyS. Ironically, after drinking one too many shots of O’Doul’s on Friday night, you’ll get pulled over and fall down while attempting to walk in a straight line and spell your middle name backwards during a sobriety test. Donald Trump will catch wind of this; tweet he’ll bail you out; set up a donation page for you; and then spend all the earnings on hush-money payments to his latest porn star on-the-side, Chastity McSugartits.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Like the shake-weight in your lube-drawer, with you, one can just never be sure what might pop up. You’re, as your bestie refers to his romance with his sister-cousin, “complicated.” Well, it’s time to finally reveal to the world who you really are behind all that mysterious alphaness. Today you will create a TikTok account and recite a poem titled “MAGA,” where you begin each line with each of the aforementioned letters. The poem will read:
Ma, where’s the meatloaf?
Almost beat this level!
Gonna kick some a$$ and be taking names!
After I stop crying.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it can’t lay a finger on you – even though you are a pu$$y. Tomorrow, you will explore this curious-side to the fullest, as you will make it your life’s mission to connect the dots between: George Soros, Taylor Swift, Anthony Fauci, Barack Obama, and 'Sesame Street;' uncover just how they’re controlling the world; and relay all your credible findings to the most reliable of authorities – YouTube personalities named Klan Karen.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): As a Capricorn, you value time more than anything else. However, in years past you’ve wasted said resource by continually telling people, “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!,” as you felt any other greeting would have contributed to what you believed to be “The War on Christmas.” This year, do the sensible thing; save yourself four syllables per greeting; and tell everyone at your weekly Fox News gatherings, “Happy Holidays!” Tip: Dress like Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus, or Jesus to decrease the odds of the other attendees, being the good Christians they are, throwing Bibles at your face.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): As “aqua” means water, this of course makes you an air sign. Confused yet? If not, you will be. You are allegedly the most humanitarian astrological sign, so you will spend the rest of your life following in Master Trump’s footsteps and editing weather maps with Sharpies. Tornadoes in the Midwest will fly up to Canada; hurricanes in the Southeast will somehow wind up in China; and earthquakes in California will move… Just kidding, you’ll keep them in California.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Ah, a Pisces… You’re touchy, sensitive, all that sh*t. This greatly conflicts with your Lord Trump’s image of what makes a man a “man.” However, with your hero constantly attempting to talk tough to compensate for his lack of morality, muscle, and manhood, it’s time to own up and be comfortable in your own skin. At your annual Chuck Norris Festival, you will dress up like a literal snowflake, wearing a sign which reads, “Real Men Don’t Cry; We Melt.”