Boyfriend Application
Name:
(Note: Nothing against people from the South, but if your first name includes a hyphen and the name Bob following the hyphen, you will not be eligible.)
Age:
(As long as you’re of legal age and not dead, you will not be disqualified.)
Job:
(If you don’t have a job, you won’t be getting any “jobs” from me, if you know what I mean. If you don’t know what I mean, I have to wonder if you’re going to be the lead star of a sequel to “The 40-Year Old Virgin”.)
Loyalty:
(If Tiger Woods is more loyal than you, you will not be allowed within 100 yards of me and I highly recommend you get tested and remain abstinent for the rest of your days.)
Intelligence:
(The chances of you being smarter than me are very slim, so I’d say approximately 99% of men are eligible here.)
Amiability:
(If you’re meaner than Dick Cheney, I think we could probably make things work, but if you’re nicer than Mister Rogers, you’ll have to sing your songs and play with your trains elsewhere.)
Kids:
(If your idea of raising our children right is to blow marijuana smoke in their faces and feed them boxes of Twinkies and Ho Ho’s, I suggest you take your little Twinkie somewhere else.)
Appearance:
(I’m not expecting George Clooney, so as long as you don’t make me gag when I look at you, I’ll give you a chance.)
Personality:
(If Debbie Downer is more personable than you, I think you and we may have a problem.)
Sense of humor:
(Yes, I know why the chicken crossed the road. If that’s all you’ve got, I’m afraid I’m going to make you cross the road, several roads, until you’re far away from me.)
Sociability:
(If the three words you utter the most are: Yeah, right and uh-huh, I suggest you find a cave and make yourself at home.)
Flirting:
(I won’t get too jealous unless I see you with another woman and think to myself, “Huh, he never touches me there anymore.” If that’s your idea of harmless flirting, you’ll understand my harmless “no”.)
Romance:
(If your idea of romance is reading me a poem from a Hallmark card with Metallica playing the background, you will have to try wooing another woman.)
Gifts:
(Any guy that picks up on subtle hints will automatically reach the finals, but I know that guys pick up on subtlety like newborns pick up on politics. Actually, newborns may hold the edge there.)
Fashion:
(If you know more about fashion than me, I think it’s best that we don’t even give things a try. It’ll be “Brokeback Mountain” all over again.)
Pet names:
(For anyone who plans on calling me any of the following, you will not be eligible: Broad, ho, beeotch or she-male.)
Penis size:
(It really isn’t THAT important, so long as you don’t tell me you have a footlong and it takes me ten minutes to find it with a magnifying glass.)
Sex:
(My toys typically satisfy me more than my boyfriends, so I set my expectations pretty low.)
Habits:
(Never again will I date a guy who snorts fun dip. If you do, your name is probably Chris and just to be safe, all Chris’s will be ineligible.)
Creativity:
(So long as you’re not gay, this is a plus.)
Name:
(Note: Nothing against people from the South, but if your first name includes a hyphen and the name Bob following the hyphen, you will not be eligible.)
Age:
(As long as you’re of legal age and not dead, you will not be disqualified.)
Job:
(If you don’t have a job, you won’t be getting any “jobs” from me, if you know what I mean. If you don’t know what I mean, I have to wonder if you’re going to be the lead star of a sequel to “The 40-Year Old Virgin”.)
Loyalty:
(If Tiger Woods is more loyal than you, you will not be allowed within 100 yards of me and I highly recommend you get tested and remain abstinent for the rest of your days.)
Intelligence:
(The chances of you being smarter than me are very slim, so I’d say approximately 99% of men are eligible here.)
Amiability:
(If you’re meaner than Dick Cheney, I think we could probably make things work, but if you’re nicer than Mister Rogers, you’ll have to sing your songs and play with your trains elsewhere.)
Kids:
(If your idea of raising our children right is to blow marijuana smoke in their faces and feed them boxes of Twinkies and Ho Ho’s, I suggest you take your little Twinkie somewhere else.)
Appearance:
(I’m not expecting George Clooney, so as long as you don’t make me gag when I look at you, I’ll give you a chance.)
Personality:
(If Debbie Downer is more personable than you, I think you and we may have a problem.)
Sense of humor:
(Yes, I know why the chicken crossed the road. If that’s all you’ve got, I’m afraid I’m going to make you cross the road, several roads, until you’re far away from me.)
Sociability:
(If the three words you utter the most are: Yeah, right and uh-huh, I suggest you find a cave and make yourself at home.)
Flirting:
(I won’t get too jealous unless I see you with another woman and think to myself, “Huh, he never touches me there anymore.” If that’s your idea of harmless flirting, you’ll understand my harmless “no”.)
Romance:
(If your idea of romance is reading me a poem from a Hallmark card with Metallica playing the background, you will have to try wooing another woman.)
Gifts:
(Any guy that picks up on subtle hints will automatically reach the finals, but I know that guys pick up on subtlety like newborns pick up on politics. Actually, newborns may hold the edge there.)
Fashion:
(If you know more about fashion than me, I think it’s best that we don’t even give things a try. It’ll be “Brokeback Mountain” all over again.)
Pet names:
(For anyone who plans on calling me any of the following, you will not be eligible: Broad, ho, beeotch or she-male.)
Penis size:
(It really isn’t THAT important, so long as you don’t tell me you have a footlong and it takes me ten minutes to find it with a magnifying glass.)
Sex:
(My toys typically satisfy me more than my boyfriends, so I set my expectations pretty low.)
Habits:
(Never again will I date a guy who snorts fun dip. If you do, your name is probably Chris and just to be safe, all Chris’s will be ineligible.)
Creativity:
(So long as you’re not gay, this is a plus.)
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