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Anywhere I can sign up for an arranged marriage?

Alright, so where do I sign up? Set me up with somebody and we'll have to make this work. I'm guessing this arranger's taste for me in women is better than my own and there will be a better chance that things work out long-term if another chooses my partner for me than I.

When I got to feeling better from a two-year illness in late-December of 2010, I felt a new kind of energy, a motivation I hadn't felt before and it let me to losing 20-25 additional pounds, writing books galore and putting myself back out on the dating market. Writing has gone well. I added some weight in the winter, but have already started losing it again. On the dating front? It's been a disaster!

I'll give a rundown of this before-mentioned disaster and abbreviate all the names accordingly:

1) "M" - Had a crush on her for about 3-4 years. I was told she felt similarly. She gave me a bunch of signs that she was at least someone interested in/attracted to me, but then was flaky when I opened up at all until I finally confronted her and she showed me a side to her I hadn't seen - a none too pleasant one. I've tried to rekindle the friendship since then, but she's continued to be unpleasant toward me, so I've given up there.

2) "S" - Had a crush on her for a year. She showed a great number of signs of interest as well. At one point when we were out together, everyone in the place thought we were a couple based on how we were acting toward one another. Then after I opened up a little bit, she seemed to ignore me. We got in touch a couple times after that and seemed to be on good terms, before she basically deleted me and many other people out of her life and I haven't heard back from her since.

3) "K" - As I work at home and didn't have any luck with the two before-mentioned crushes, I opted to look online. A month or so after we started talking, "K" informed me she had been lying about her entire identity and actually went by the name "A," looked nothing like the pictures she showed me, etc. For some strange reason, she was surprised I wanted nothing to do with her after that. She and I will chat once in a while online, usually when she has a problem and needs advice.

4) "E" - She and I had a great conversation about four months ago. We chatted for a good 3 hours, became immediate Facebook and Google friends and briefly chatted again the following day. Since then, I didn't hear from her once. I tried keeping in touch and she eventually deleted me from her Facebook friends. I sent a very short e-mail asking why and never heard back from her.

5) "H" - She and I wrote back and forth nearly every single day for a couple weeks. She was extremely kind, complimentary and flirtatious. When I opened up about wanting to evolve things, she talked about how difficult it was for her, but that she didn't feel the same way, that she did lead me on and feels awful about it. I have been tempted to contact her again, but have yet to do so.

6) "R" - Suggested we exchange numbers and get to know each other better. When I asked what times would be best to call, she informed me. I called, got no answer and left a message. When I asked her out, she went quiet. I've tried keeping in touch since then, but her responses have been inconsistent.

7) "L" - We met and things seemed to have gone alright. We both expressed interest in going out again. Yet just recently, she just kind of disappeared. I followed it up with an e-mail, asking what happened and have yet to hear a response.

There have been some other situations as well, but those are the main ones. It's been a nightmare. If having a first date and being done were a profession, I'd be pretty rich right about now.

Seriously, I'm tired of the games, the drama, the stress, the flakiness, the lack of communication (and openness), the leading on, the manipulation, etc. So, where do I sign up? Arranged marriage? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone? ::spoken in my best/worst Ben Stein voice::

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