Republicans Ask Jesus Questions
Michael Buffer: "Before we get started today, I must go over a few things. As you all know by now when we gave you body cavity searches, cameras are not allowed at this event. Our speaker could be blinded by the flash and as a result, the world could end. Guns are allowed, however. I see a couple of rocket launchers over there. Very nice. How are you doing, junior? Is that too heavy for you? No? That's my boy! Well, since our guest knows everything, there really isn't a need for you to ask the questions. However, as no one else here knows everything, I'm sure our guest will understand us doing so. When any of you ask a question, please be kind, courteous and halfway intelligent. With all of that in mind, I ask that you put your hands together to welcome the man who guides the Republican Party, who makes robes and sandals look cool, who saved every one of us...here is the one, the only Jesus H. Christ!"
JC: "Alright. Far out. I'm ready for my first question. Yes, you over here in the camouflage...Brian, right?"
Brian Kumquat: "Wow, you really do know everything! When will I next get laid?"
JC: "By a real human?"
Kumquat: "Yeah!"
JC: "When the Cubs win the World Series, you'll still have several years to wait. Was that your question?"
Kumquat: "No. Here's my question... Okay, how do you think we take care of the Muslims over there in the Middle East? Afghanistan? Iraq? Iran? I think we should just bomb them all. What about you?"
JC: "Put away your sword. Those who use the sword will die by the sword." (Matthew 26:52)
Kumquat: "Do you hear that everybody? Jesus wants us to use swords! I only have seven guns. Looks like it's time to stock up on swords too! Thanks, Jesus!"
JC: "That's not what I said. I said put your sword back in its place."
Kumquat: "But I don't have a sword."
JC: "Then put your gun back in its place."
Kumquat: "All seven of them?"
JC: "As I said, '...for those who live by the sword, die by the sword'."
Kumquat: "I don't have a sword!"
JC: "Nevermind. Next..."
Billy Ray Demolition: "But your Jesus...ness... Muslims are our enemies, both to you and the greatest country in the world - the United States of America! Yee-haw! So, if you don't think we should kill them with swords, what should we do?"
JC: "Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay.' On the contrary: 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome with good." (Romans 12:17-21)
Demolition: "So, what? You want us to buy them all beers? I brought seven 24-packs of Bud Light for myself today. I suppose I could share maybe four or five of them."
JC: "Four or five of the 24-packs? You are a very generous man."
Demolition: "No. No. Four or five cans of beer."
JC: "I have a feeling I may need four or five 24-packs by the time this is finished."
Demolition: "What?"
JC: "Nothing. Yes, feel free to offer beer to the enemies."
Demolition: "What if they say no? Should we shoot them?"
JC: "::sighs:: No. Okay, next question... please..."
Jimmy Cracka: "Okay, how about them Democrats? Liberals? They're going to hell, right? They've sinned! Their whole lives are sins! Especially that Hillary Clinton! Am I right or am I right?"
JC: "He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." (John 8:7)
Cracka: "I'm without sin! I believe in you!"
JC: "That may be true, but you've still sinned."
Cracka: "But them liberals, they're the real sinners, right?"
JC: "Why?"
Cracka: "Because, they believe in abortion and gay stuff!"
JC: "You're going to deny to me that you're a sinner?"
Cracka: "Well..."
JC: "Remember that time when you stole money from a homeless blind kid to buy some Playgirl magazines?"
Cracka: "But..."
JC: "Or that time you stole some Bibles and handed them out to homeless blind kids?"
Cracka: "Well, I thought..."
JC: "I'm sorry to tell you this, but Cracka, you're just as much of a sinner as liberals or Democrats. Next question..."
Charles Jackpot: "But, you have to admit that Democrats are socialists, right? This is a capitalist country which founded itself upon the fact that if you work hard, you will be successful. Democrats want to re-distribute the wealth. They want to give handouts to people who don't work as hard. That's not right, is it?"
JC: "People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs." (1 Timothy 6:9-10)
Jackpot: "Wait. Money is evil? The root of all evil? It's the people with the money who create the jobs in this country, right? They're the ones that work hard to keep this country going, the ones that deserve the tax breaks, the multiple mansions, dozens of cars and several mistresses named Stella, right?"
JC: "I assure you: It will be hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." (Matthew 19:23-24)
Jackpot: "What if a guy has enough money to fit a camel through the eye of a needle?"
JC: "If you or anyone else can fit a camel through the eye of a needle, I will guarantee you a spot in heaven. Knowing first-hand that that's not possible, I suggest you find another way of doing so."
Jackpot: "What about a baby camel?"
JC: "That would be fine."
Jackpot: "Camel cigarettes?"
JC: "No."
Jackpot: "What if I named a tiny bug camel?"
JC: "Please, sir, don't make me sin... Next question..."
George Blab: "Alright, so we've already established that the Democrats are socialists and going to hell..."
JC: "::sighs:: No, but go on."
Blab: "Do you ever notice that they are all quiet about you and their religious beliefs? It's like they're ashamed or something. We Republicans, we want the world to hear how much we love you! When we pray, we want the world to be watching! What was it, on National Prayer Day that the socialist Muslim communist Marxist Kenyan in office prayed in private? What the hell, right?"
JC: "And when you pray, you shall not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But you, when you pray, enter into your closet, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father which is in secret; and your Father in secret shall reward you openly." (Matthew 6:5-6)
Blab: "Wait...are you saying we have to be homosexuals to pray and preach our love for you?"
JC: "When on earth did I say that?"
Blab: "You talked about praying in closets and shit. I ain't going into no closet! What happens when I come out? I'll go to hell if I'm one of those homosexuals! That's an abomination!"
JC: "Who said that?"
Blab: "You did!"
JC: "I never said that."
Blab: "So you really do want us all to be gay?"
JC: "I never said that either."
Blab: "I don't get it."
JC: "...and I doubt you ever will..."
Blab: "Huh?"
JC: "Precisely... Ladies and gentleman, it has been my pleasure spending time with you today and answering your questions, but I must now go. Before I do, though, I leave you with these words - 'A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another'." (John 13:34)
Kumquat: "Except for the Arabs!"
Demolition: "...and Muslims!"
Cracka: "...and liberals!"
Jackpot: "...and socialists!"
Blab: "...and homo people!"
Everyone in attendance: "...and women!"
JC: "Oh, Jesus H. Christ..."
Michael Buffer: "Before we get started today, I must go over a few things. As you all know by now when we gave you body cavity searches, cameras are not allowed at this event. Our speaker could be blinded by the flash and as a result, the world could end. Guns are allowed, however. I see a couple of rocket launchers over there. Very nice. How are you doing, junior? Is that too heavy for you? No? That's my boy! Well, since our guest knows everything, there really isn't a need for you to ask the questions. However, as no one else here knows everything, I'm sure our guest will understand us doing so. When any of you ask a question, please be kind, courteous and halfway intelligent. With all of that in mind, I ask that you put your hands together to welcome the man who guides the Republican Party, who makes robes and sandals look cool, who saved every one of us...here is the one, the only Jesus H. Christ!"
JC: "Alright. Far out. I'm ready for my first question. Yes, you over here in the camouflage...Brian, right?"
Brian Kumquat: "Wow, you really do know everything! When will I next get laid?"
JC: "By a real human?"
Kumquat: "Yeah!"
JC: "When the Cubs win the World Series, you'll still have several years to wait. Was that your question?"
Kumquat: "No. Here's my question... Okay, how do you think we take care of the Muslims over there in the Middle East? Afghanistan? Iraq? Iran? I think we should just bomb them all. What about you?"
JC: "Put away your sword. Those who use the sword will die by the sword." (Matthew 26:52)
Kumquat: "Do you hear that everybody? Jesus wants us to use swords! I only have seven guns. Looks like it's time to stock up on swords too! Thanks, Jesus!"
JC: "That's not what I said. I said put your sword back in its place."
Kumquat: "But I don't have a sword."
JC: "Then put your gun back in its place."
Kumquat: "All seven of them?"
JC: "As I said, '...for those who live by the sword, die by the sword'."
Kumquat: "I don't have a sword!"
JC: "Nevermind. Next..."
Billy Ray Demolition: "But your Jesus...ness... Muslims are our enemies, both to you and the greatest country in the world - the United States of America! Yee-haw! So, if you don't think we should kill them with swords, what should we do?"
JC: "Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay.' On the contrary: 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome with good." (Romans 12:17-21)
Demolition: "So, what? You want us to buy them all beers? I brought seven 24-packs of Bud Light for myself today. I suppose I could share maybe four or five of them."
JC: "Four or five of the 24-packs? You are a very generous man."
Demolition: "No. No. Four or five cans of beer."
JC: "I have a feeling I may need four or five 24-packs by the time this is finished."
Demolition: "What?"
JC: "Nothing. Yes, feel free to offer beer to the enemies."
Demolition: "What if they say no? Should we shoot them?"
JC: "::sighs:: No. Okay, next question... please..."
Jimmy Cracka: "Okay, how about them Democrats? Liberals? They're going to hell, right? They've sinned! Their whole lives are sins! Especially that Hillary Clinton! Am I right or am I right?"
JC: "He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." (John 8:7)
Cracka: "I'm without sin! I believe in you!"
JC: "That may be true, but you've still sinned."
Cracka: "But them liberals, they're the real sinners, right?"
JC: "Why?"
Cracka: "Because, they believe in abortion and gay stuff!"
JC: "You're going to deny to me that you're a sinner?"
Cracka: "Well..."
JC: "Remember that time when you stole money from a homeless blind kid to buy some Playgirl magazines?"
Cracka: "But..."
JC: "Or that time you stole some Bibles and handed them out to homeless blind kids?"
Cracka: "Well, I thought..."
JC: "I'm sorry to tell you this, but Cracka, you're just as much of a sinner as liberals or Democrats. Next question..."
Charles Jackpot: "But, you have to admit that Democrats are socialists, right? This is a capitalist country which founded itself upon the fact that if you work hard, you will be successful. Democrats want to re-distribute the wealth. They want to give handouts to people who don't work as hard. That's not right, is it?"
JC: "People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs." (1 Timothy 6:9-10)
Jackpot: "Wait. Money is evil? The root of all evil? It's the people with the money who create the jobs in this country, right? They're the ones that work hard to keep this country going, the ones that deserve the tax breaks, the multiple mansions, dozens of cars and several mistresses named Stella, right?"
JC: "I assure you: It will be hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." (Matthew 19:23-24)
Jackpot: "What if a guy has enough money to fit a camel through the eye of a needle?"
JC: "If you or anyone else can fit a camel through the eye of a needle, I will guarantee you a spot in heaven. Knowing first-hand that that's not possible, I suggest you find another way of doing so."
Jackpot: "What about a baby camel?"
JC: "That would be fine."
Jackpot: "Camel cigarettes?"
JC: "No."
Jackpot: "What if I named a tiny bug camel?"
JC: "Please, sir, don't make me sin... Next question..."
George Blab: "Alright, so we've already established that the Democrats are socialists and going to hell..."
JC: "::sighs:: No, but go on."
Blab: "Do you ever notice that they are all quiet about you and their religious beliefs? It's like they're ashamed or something. We Republicans, we want the world to hear how much we love you! When we pray, we want the world to be watching! What was it, on National Prayer Day that the socialist Muslim communist Marxist Kenyan in office prayed in private? What the hell, right?"
JC: "And when you pray, you shall not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But you, when you pray, enter into your closet, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father which is in secret; and your Father in secret shall reward you openly." (Matthew 6:5-6)
Blab: "Wait...are you saying we have to be homosexuals to pray and preach our love for you?"
JC: "When on earth did I say that?"
Blab: "You talked about praying in closets and shit. I ain't going into no closet! What happens when I come out? I'll go to hell if I'm one of those homosexuals! That's an abomination!"
JC: "Who said that?"
Blab: "You did!"
JC: "I never said that."
Blab: "So you really do want us all to be gay?"
JC: "I never said that either."
Blab: "I don't get it."
JC: "...and I doubt you ever will..."
Blab: "Huh?"
JC: "Precisely... Ladies and gentleman, it has been my pleasure spending time with you today and answering your questions, but I must now go. Before I do, though, I leave you with these words - 'A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another'." (John 13:34)
Kumquat: "Except for the Arabs!"
Demolition: "...and Muslims!"
Cracka: "...and liberals!"
Jackpot: "...and socialists!"
Blab: "...and homo people!"
Everyone in attendance: "...and women!"
JC: "Oh, Jesus H. Christ..."
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