A Fictional Q & A with Mitt Romney

Romney Spokesperson, Joseph Smith: "Okay. We'll give you all a total of 30 minutes to ask the future president questions. Please keep them short, so we can get to as many as possible. Don't interrupt the future president. If you do, you will be kicked out and then tortured at Gitmo. If any question is asked with a liberal-bias, you will likely get beaten up with Bibles. With that in mind, I bring to you the one, the only Mitt Romney!"

Romney: "Okay. I'm ready for my first question. You up front here with the missing teeth..."

Billy-Bob Josephat: "You used to speak out in favor of women's abortion rights. Now, I'm very pro-life. How can you convince me that you are now as well?"

Romney: "It's because of people like you that I've seen the light and become pro-life. Every vote, I mean, life, is precious. People used to ask me why I wanted to kill babies and I was both angered and confused by this. I never wanted to kill babies. Who wants to kill babies? I've killed plenty of jobs before, almost killed a dog, but never a baby. That's just sick and cruel!"

Jill S. Preston: "But shouldn't a woman, such as myself, be able to decide what to do with our bodies?"

Romney: "Absolutely."

Preston: "But you just said..."

Romney: "Don't try to twist my words around. I said that I'm pro-life, votes are precious and that it's wrong for anyone to kill babies in any manner, including abortion."

Preston: "Exactly. But then you said that women should be able to decide what to do with their bodies, right?"

Romney: "Yes, their bodies, not the babies' bodies. There is a difference. It's not like the baby's body is inside the mother's body. That'd be crazy!"

Preston: "Thanks for clearing that up..."

Romney: "Hey, that's what I'm here for. Next question. Yes, you over there..."

Tricia Sparks: "Since you don't really support abortion, do you at least think that women should be granted birth control as part of their employer-based healthcare plans?"

Romney: "I don't care what the Democrats say. I'm not anti-contraception. I just don't think that we, the taxpayers should have to pay for it. It's women's job to be responsible for their sex lives, not mine or anyone else's. I don't tell my employer that I need birth control pills."

Sparks: "But you're a man and aren't you technically unemployed?"

Romney: "That's irrelevant."

Sparks: "Okay, but since you're against abortion, don't you think an increase in birth control for women would lead to fewer unwanted pregnancies and with that fewer abortions?"

Romney: "Where'd you come up with that? If people have sex, there are going to be pregnancies and abortions. It doesn't matter if contraception is used or not and that abortion money comes out of our pockets! It's like in basketball. It doesn't matter if a person has the ball or not, they're going to score."

Sparks: "How could someone score without the ball? Nevermind... Back to the point. Wouldn't it be more costly to pay for abortions than to provide contraception? Wouldn't it be more costly for women to get and go through with their pregnancies than to provide them with contraception?"

Romney: "Again - irrelevant"

Sparks: "But you just talked about how not providing women with contraception was about the money."

Romney: "No, I didn't."

Sparks: "Yes, you did."

Romney: "No, I didn't. It's about the principle of the thing. Look, I don't ask my employer to provide me with condoms every month. I don't put one on every morning in the off-chance I can get it up. I'll buy my own - slim fit!"

Sparks: "Again, you're unemployed!"

Romney: "I will be employed soon when I become your president. Next..."

Dick Squared: "Can you believe it with this Obamacare? Mandating the people to have health insurance? What's next, right?"

Romney: "I know, crazy, isn't it? The government can force people to pay taxes, go to war through a draft... They can detain someone indefinitely without much of a reason, illegally invade countries... Mandating people to buy health insurance, though? That's going way too far. That's the first step to a dictatorship right there! When I think of Obamacare, I think of Hitler, Stalin and..."

Jerome Fukuya: "You?"

Romney: "Excuse me?"

Fukya: "Yeah, you heard me. You know Obamacare was based off your plan in Massachusetts, right?"

Romney: "Someone take that mic away and beat him up with some Bibles. Thanks. Okay, sir, you are horribly mistaken. Just look at the names - Obamacare and Romneycare. You see? They're different. What, are you going to tell me that marijuana and weed are the same thing? Just because the contents of the two bills are nearly identical does not mean they're even close. Sure, if the two bill switched places, they'd have pretty much the same effects, but are completely different. My name is Mitt Romney, not Barack Obama. I'm for Romneycare, not Obamacare. Get it? Okay, over to this guy in the overalls...."

George Hillbilly: "Okay, so the gun control freaks are using the Trayvon Martin death to try and further their crazy agenda. What are your thoughts on gun control? Are you one of those freaks too?"

Romney: ::laughs:: No, of course not. I'm no freak. Just ask my wife. I'm about as straight as they come, well perhaps a little limp from time to time. What were we talking about? Ah yes - guns. I love guns. I sleep with my guns more than my wife. I've even got names for them - Illegal, ADHD, Cheney and Princess Buttercup. I love guns so much, after I'm elected, I'll make it mandatory for everyone who is born in this great country to have a gun. We will all be born with two things - A birth certificate and a gun. I'll then expand upon the Statue of Liberty so that Miss Liberty is forever armed with a pair of Semi-automatics."

Fred Whatsup: "But what if Trayvon Martin were your child? Would you feel differently about guns and gun control then?"

Romney: "Of course. Look, this is what makes our country the best. Some people love guns. Some people hate guns. ...and we can debate about it. It's not like the government can force you to love or buy guns, right?" 

Whatsup: "Didn't you just say?..."

Romney: "Next. Okay, yes, the poor looking person over here..."

Donald Reagan: "You used to be in favor of civil unions for gays, but now aren't. What changed your mind?"

Romney: "Look, we all have a 'Brokeback Mountain' experience or craving once in a while. I remember when I was at this club in San Francisco and this gentleman, Bruno, walked up to and started dancing with me. It was to that Rick Astley song. I admit it. I was tempted, but well, I probably shouldn't go into detail about what else happened that night. Like with all things, I learned and it's only happened three times since then and that was a long time ago. What was it? Last month, I think? Yeah, that's right. But, so, where was I? Sorry, I got to daydreaming a little there. But, no, gays shouldn't have the legal right to marry or anything close to it. Whether it be marriage or civil unions, they should between a man and a woman, just like with me and my lovely wife, Bruno, I mean, Ann. I love you, sweetie."

Lance Lancetopherson: "But, aren't gay couples who are together for a certain period of time and monogamous, aren't they basically married?"

Romney: "Yes, I suppose..."

Lancetopherson: "So why shouldn't they then have the same legal rights of heterosexual married couples?"

Romney: "Interesting point. Perhaps they should."

Reagan: "Wait a minute! Are you supporting gay marriage now?"

Romney: "No, of course not."

Lancetopherson: "But you are?"

Romney: "Yes. You see, folks? This is what makes politics so complicated. Not every question can be answered with a yes or a no, but sometimes with both a yes and a no."

Jon Stewart: "Or in your case, most times..."

Romney: "Yes. I mean, no. Wait...what?"