It can be quite the task trying to engage in political dialogue with a hard-core evangelical conservative Republican and attempt to get them to at least see your more moderate or liberal viewpoint and perhaps even alter their mind ever so slightly on one topic or another. In fact, I believe I've had more success attempting to fly off roofs using only my arms to aid me from plummeting to the ground. My doctors may disagree with me on that front, however (front, back, sides, etc.).
After experiencing such conversations before, having little success and pondering about the perfect scenario of how the practice could be perfected, I've come up with a series of tips on how to win over the mind and heart (figuratively, of course) of a die-hard conservative and welcome them to the dark side (aka liberalism). Please note that these tips are for the most religious and conservative of Republicans. The more moderate, liberal, independent-thinking Republicans are generally reasonable people whom can and will engage in civilized discourse with a more liberal-minded individual. So, I mean no offense to them. But for the Pat Robertsons of the world, James Dobsons, Sean Hannitys, Rush Limbaughs, Ted Nugents and Elmer Fudds, yes, I mean offense and plenty of it. Here we go...
Do's
1) Mention HIM - No, I'm not talking about The Jesus, but the so-called savior of the Republican Party - Ronald Reagan. Republican leaders and talking heads use the name Ronald Reagan like a "valley girl" uses the word "like" - "...and like, oh my God, like totally, like for sure" or for Republicans, "...and Ronald Reagan, oh my God, Ronald Reagan totally, Ronald Reagan for sure." Yes, it's that bad, perhaps worse. I may have been "mis"underestimating some (a sincere thanks to George W. Bush for that word). I would mirror this in a way and utter Ronald Reagan's name up to 11 times - once for every time he raised taxes. Also, try to lump him in with Hollywood, which these die-hard conservatives tend to loathe and label as crazy liberals. Rumor has it that the former president was an actor at one point in his life.
Here's an example of what I'm talking (writing, I suppose) about - "Yeah, Hollywood has gotten pretty extreme in their liberalism. You know who my favorite actor of all-time is? Ronald Reagan. I still can't believe he raised taxes all those times, can you?"
No, his raising taxes as president has absolutely nothing to do with him being an actor, but remember - these are extreme evangelical conservatives. The less sense your argument makes, the more likely it is to make sense to them.
2) Be Holy - What do I mean by this? Bring a Bible. This will make the conservative(s) think you're one with Jesus and be more prone to taking your words seriously. It doesn't matter if the Bible you're carrying has a large hole cut in the center of it to place your joints or not. So long as it looks like a Bible, you're set. Just make sure that if you have placed joints in it, to not be so high during the conversation that you completely forget about them. It's very possible that at some point during the discussion, your conservative companion will ask to have a look at your Bible in order to find a particular scripture and if you hand it over with joints making their presence known in the Lord's good book, chances are you'll be arrested not long after that. If this conservative is a cop, I'd probably recommend to leave the joints in a "safe place" and no, not in your pants. If the before-mentioned scenario occurs (minus the joints) and the cop asks about the hole, just tell him or her that you ran out of toilet paper for a while, but through the power and magic of Jesus, you were handed scissors and a Bible while you were taking care of business in the bathroom and that ever since that miraculous moment, you believe in the power of prayer. The cop will eat that up (not literally, I hope not anyway). Amen.
3) Dress to Impress - Wear overalls, a buck teeth mouthpiece - go all out! Look like a "real American" as far-right conservatives call it. If you can pull off a decent Southern accent and bring with you a cute incest-curious cousin, that'd be even better. Just make sure this "cousin" of yours isn't of the same gender as yourself, otherwise your conservative pal will likely bop you over the head with the Bible you're holding and steal your joints in the process.
4) The United States of the Dukes of Hazzard - Bring an American flag. If that's not possible, wear a lapel pin sporting the flag. The ideal scenario would be to find a way to show off both the American and Confederate flags. It's all about "patriotism" or the image of it to many of these people. It doesn't matter if a person bangs his wife's best friend, twin sister and twin brother, it's all about outsiders believing this couple loves one another and is happy. Now, when the neighbors start hearing the man's wife's twin sister's kids call out "daddy" and run into the wife's husband's arms, they may start wondering. Similarly, it doesn't matter what you say or do, so long as you're sporting the stars and stripes.
5) Armed and Courageous - That's right - bring a gun! Make sure it's legal for you to carry one and that it's not loaded, otherwise bring a realistic-looking toy gun. Colorful Super Soaker squirt guns, although fun in the hot summer, wouldn't be recommended for this type of gathering. If anyone gives you a funny look upon seeing your gun (no pun intended...), blurt out, "It's my second amendment right! I can be trusted! I only accidentally shot myself those eleven times and just once last week!"
Summary - With a Bible in one hand, a Confederate flag in the other, an American flag lapel pin placed on your overalls while sporting a buck teeth mouthpiece and a gun in your holster, as you mention the name Ronald Reagan several times, your Republican friend will listen to you more closely than deaf people listen to mimes.
Don't's
1) Too Soon For the "L" Word - Stay away from the "L" word, especially if it's your first such discussion with this person. You don't want to scare them away too soon. No, I'm not talking about "love," but "liberal". Don't, under any circumstance, call yourself a liberal. Tolerant, moderate and independent are all labels that could work when describing yourself. If you're feeling really crazy, you could use the word progressive, but that may be better suited for a second or third conversation with this individual. Whenever many conservatives hear the word "liberal," they hear the word "devil". Both words contain an "i," "e" and "l". The "d," "v," "b," "r," "a" and other "l" are irrelevant. It's just like when they hear the word "conservative," they hear the word "God". Both words have an "o" in them. Strangely enough, the words "virgin" and "prostitute" have more letters in common than "conservative" and "God," but that's entirely different I suppose.
2) Numbers and Logic Are For Pussies - That's right. According to many of these people, the media is liberally-biased, so it's almost certain that if you spout numbers that support your argument and discredit theirs, they'll come back by saying that the news media is liberal and you should watch Fox "News," because they're fair and balanced. Logic likely won't work to your advantage either. It'd probably be best to make up stories and see if your listener bites any. Before you get to the storytelling, though, buy your new friend some milk and cookies, provide them with a stuffed animal and blanket, sit him or her down and let your imagination run wild. Be sure to begin your tale by saying, "The following is based on a true story." The story could center around an octopus named Larry. Larry lived just off the coast of the Hawaiian Islands. He was a Republican, but due to voter-suppression laws that were passed and him not having an ID, he and his Republican friends and family members weren't allowed to vote. Perhaps pause at this point and ask your Republican listener what her or she thinks about that before going any further. When you do finally conclude your story, conclude it with the two words, "True story." In case you have a bizarrely inquisitive Republican in front of you, be certain to have created a Wikipedia page for Larry the Octopus preceding this discussion.
3) Be One of Them - No, not a far-right conservative evangelical Republican. What I mean is, please don't be black, gay, Hispanic, Arab, Muslim, female, transgender, bisexual or Marilyn Manson. If you're not as white as Casper, not as male as Arnold Schwarzenegger and not as "straight" as a ruler, you might as well not show up for the talk.
4) Kids Are Annoying - What this means is you probably shouldn't ask a great quantity of questions. Sure, questioning is a sign of curiosity and interest to most people, but is a sign of weakness to uber-conservatives. If you haven't met before, don't even ask for the person's name if you can help it. Just look him in the eyes (assuming he's not a cyclops) and say, "Hey, Bob. It's nice to see you." Say it with such certitude that he hesitates for a moment, wondering if his name really is Bob, when it's actually Jeremiah. You are, however, always allowed to respond to a question of his with a question of your own. This will piss him off more than a man on steroids who can't find his penis when going to a urinal at a Hooter's restaurant.
5) Webster Sucks - You should probably stray away from big words during your discussion. The more of these words you use, the more your Republican amigo will think you're "elitist" and "intellectual," and that's a big no-no in conservative circles. If you happen to use some choice four-letter words, you will have your Bible handy. Just ask for forgiveness every time you utter such a word. Double-negatives, contradictions, and caveman-speak are also encouraged. It may not make sense to 99% of the English-speaking population, but perhaps this person, along with Larry the Octopus, is part of that "special" 1%.
Summary - If you stay away from numbers, logic, big words, don't ask many questions or refer to yourself as a liberal, and aren't black, gay, Hispanic, Arab, Muslim, female, bisexual, transgender or Marilyn Manson, you may have a genuine shot at converting this hard-core conservative some. You may have a better shot at turning heroin into Pepto-Bismol, but it's still worth a try. Best of luck!
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