ABR - Anybody But Romney
No, I'm not speaking from the perspective of a liberal democrat not wanting the favorite in the republican primary race (or any republican for that matter) to win the 2012 presidential election. No, I'm speaking from the perspective of a very conservative republican not wanting Romney to be the party's nominee. People can deny it all they'd like, but throughout most of the republican primary, there seemed to always be an anti-Romney candidate coming out of nowhere to challenge the favorite to represent the party in the coming election. Why? Far-right conservatives don't much care for Willard Mittopia Romney. He's a Mormon. He passed something resembling Obamacare while Governor of Massachusetts (his plan actually provided the blueprint for Obamacare). He has tended to be fairly moderate on social issues (until he ran for president that is). Yeah, to the far-right, he's about as liberal as they come, well, outside of any democrat anyway.
Minnesota Representative, Michele Bachmann, was the first such challenger. As of July 7th of last year, she was closest in line to Romney, trailing him 24.2% to 14.0%. Two months later, she dropped down to just 6.4%, while Texas Governor, Rick Perry, went from 11.6% to 31.8% in that same time. Romney dropped from 24.2% to 19.8% and was a distant second as of September 13th of that year. On October 22nd, Godfather's own Herman Cain made his presence felt in the race (and with several ladies along the way, providing them with his thick crust rumor has it), as in just one month, he went from 4.2% to 26.0% and a slight lead over second-place Romney, who was at 25.5%. At this point, Bachmann and Perry were fading more quickly than Chicago Cubs fans' title hopes during the off-season. Fast-forward two months to December 8th and we had another change up top the leaderboard - Newt Gingrich, who had polled between 4% and 11% before this point, jumped out to a solid lead over Willard Romney, leading the former Massachusetts Governor by winning 33.0% of the candidates' approval, while Romney seemed stuck at 21.3%. In light of his thick crust being served quite liberally to women everywhere, Herman Cain suspended his campaign not long afterward. Perry and Bachmann were still in the race technically speaking, but not even they knew why. Romney appeared to finally gain some traction and pull away from his competition as of January 18th of this year, when he attained 33.1% of the party's vote according to polls and Gingrich dropped to second with just 18.3%. At this point, Michele Bachmann finally decided that even though she's a firm believer in God and was told it was her destiny to become the next president according to this higher power, she decided to go against God's wishes and suspend her campaign. As far as the race is concerned, it was far from over, as on January 28th, the man they call Newt made a second surge to the top of the leaderboard, with 31.3% support in comparison to Romney's 27.5%. Rick Perry then decided to suspend his campaign and focus on his stand-up comedy, which mainly consists of George W. Bush impersonations. Romney and Gingrich swapped places again on February 7th, with Romney taking a rather large lead - 34.5% to 23.0%. At this point, it was over, right? No. The far-right was still not convinced that Romney was their guy, so they decided to support another candidate - Rick Santorum. Want to know just how crazy this was numbers wise? As of July 20th, 2011, Santorum had just 2.6% of the party's support. This number actually dipped to 1.6% on October 22nd. He was at only 3.5% on December 13th. His numbers increased quite a bit over the next month and a half, as he was at 13.6% on January 18th, 15.8% on the 28th and 17.5% on February 7th. Then, on February 16th, we once again had a new leader - Rick Santorum - with 33.8% (up 30.3% from two months prior). Unfortunately for Ricky, after he began to speak and people actually started listening, his support began to wane and as of March 5th, Mitt Romney finally started pulling away from his remaining competition. Keeping all of that in mind, I'd like to break down these five anti-Romney candidates, what attracted some Republicans to them, why they weren't able to win the nomination and what may occur if they became Mitt Romney's running mate.
Michelle Bachmann
What attracted Republicans to her (besides not being Mitt Romney) - She's an attractive woman who would fit right in at Fox News alongside Sarah Palin and the 300 good-looking blondes working there.
What was her undoing - Whenever she spoke, she made Sarah Palin appear sane.
What would happen if she became Mitt Romney's running mate - The two of them would wind up campaigning for beauty and fashion magazines, likely landing on the cover of Playboy when all was said and done, with a future porno not out of the question - entitled, "Rochmann".
Rick Perry
What attracted Republicans to him (besides not being Mitt Romney) - The guy was a George W. Bush clone in both speech and gestures. There are already volumes of Perryism books set to be published and he was president for eight fewer years than Bush.
What was his undoing - He was a George W. Bush college-clone at times. There were occasions when it was uncertain if Perry had just drank twenty-one 24-packs of O'Doul's, snorted several lines of coke or was just really stupid.
What would happen if he became Mitt Romney's running mate - Romney would all of a sudden become much more outspoken regarding education reform, but not for the country as a whole - for Rick Perry - math, in particular. Perry would then need to correctly differentiate between the numbers two and three by election day or else Romney would find himself another vice president.
Herman Cain
What attracted Republicans to him (besides not being Mitt Romney) - He's one of four black Republicans in the United States, gave Bill Clinton competition as far as smooth-talking the ladies and talked about Pokemon like Rudy Giuliani talked about 9/11.
What was his undoing - His zipper on several occasions, that and the fact he had a darker skin tone than 99.463% of Republicans. He would have needed to select Edward Scissorhands as his running mate to have brought the overall level of whiteness of the team to an acceptable level.
What would happen if he became Mitt Romney's running mate - It'd be comedy hour. Cain would be telling many Romama jokes, while Romney would go the knock-knock route.
Newt Gingrich
What attracted Republicans to him (besides not being Mitt Romney) - There's just something there. Three women have fornicated with him after saying their "I do's.". I'm still not sure what that "something" is, however, and after two of the ladies divorced him, I'm not sure they know either.
What was his undoing - He sought bigger and better (according to him) things - becoming president of the moon!
What would happen if he became Mitt Romney's running mate - The two may pretend to like one another at first, but on election night, you could expect a Pay-Per-View boxing match between these two, and no offense to Romney, but my money is on Newt in this one
Rick Santorum
What attracted Republicans to him (besides not being Mitt Romney) - He screams the name Jesus more than a nymphomaniac dating a man by that very same name.
What was his undoing - His name means "that frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex." Studies showed that 84.8% of all potential supporters threw up when they were asked if they like Santorum.
What would happen if he became Mitt Romney's running mate - One of the two would spike the other's Kool-Aid.
http://www.realclearpolitics.com/epolls/2012/president/us/republican_presidential_nomination-1452.html
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