The Tale of Billy the Kid

Marilyn Milfus: "Billy, why did you take that?"

Billy Milfus: "Because it's mine! All mine!"

Marilyn: "No it's not. It's your father's. Now give it back."

Billy: "Make me!"

Marilyn: "Am I going to have to count to 10? 1...2...3...4...5...6..."

Billy: ::hands over the gun::

Marilyn: "There...that's better. Now apologize to Jerome for threatening to shoot him."

Billy: "No! Never!"

Marilyn: "That's it! Go to your room! When your father gets here..."

Billy: "No! It wasn't my fault! It was my friend, Jess!"

Marilyn: "Where's Jess at now?"

Billy: "He's right here. Can't you see him?"

Marilyn: "No... Is this that invisible friend of yours again, Billy?"

Billy: "He's not invisible. I can see him. He's the most powerful person in the world and forced me to point the gun at Jerome and say some things!"

Marilyn: "We really need to get you a new shrink. These past twelve just haven't been cutting it. ...or perhaps a girlfriend..."

Billy: "Ewww... Come on, mom. You know I think girls are gross!"

Marilyn: "Are you gay, my son? It's okay if..."

Billy: "No! That's the worst sin ever!"

Marilyn: "Worse than murder?"

Billy: "Yup. It says so in The Bible!"

Marilyn: "Where at exactly?"

Billy: "I don't know, but it's there... ...and Jess told me Jerome was gay, so that's why I threatened him, I mean why Jess forced me to threaten him."

Marilyn: "Jerome, is this true?"

Jerome Gspot: "No, ma'am. I only do it with chicks and think you're pretty hot."

Marilyn: "That's nice, sweetie. You see, Billy? He's not gay."

Billy: "Okay, but he's still a liberal, baby-killing, terrorist-sympathizing, hippie-like, socialist, Marxist, commie!"

Marilyn: "Is this true, Jerome?"

Jerome: "No. I don't even know what half those words mean."

Marilyn: "I don't think Billy does either."

Billy: "Yes I do! It's why I, I mean Jess made me point a gun at Jerome!"

Marilyn: "I thought it was because Jess told you Jerome was gay..."

Billy: "Yeah, but no, but..."

Marilyn: "You're not making any sense, Billy. Perhaps you should take a nap before you head out tonight to debate for that Republican Senate seat."

Billy: "Alright, fine..."

Marilyn: "I'll be sure to wake you up in plenty of time so that you can go and get ready. Also, while you're sleeping, I'll bring you back a McDonald's chicken nugget Happy Meal. I know how you've been collecting those little Teletubbies' figures. How does that sound?"

Billy: "Sounds great, mom! Thanks."

Marilyn: "Yeah, I'm sorry I won't be able to make it to the debate tonight. I'll be campaigning myself for a Democratic seat in the House. You certainly take after your father with your politics. Anyway, I'm really sorry I won't be able to go, so I thought the least I could do is provide my baby with a Happy Meal. Now go to sleep..."

Billy: "Okay. Goodnight, mom."

Marilyn: "Goodnight, honey."

Jerome: "I'll see you at the debate, Billy. I'm going to take you down!"

Billy: "Yeah, whatever. Just remember my dad can beat up your dad!"

Jerome: "Uh-huh. By the way, I've been doing your mom. Ready for me to fill you up with my own Happy Meal, Mrs. M.?"

Boycotting jukeboxes because of TouchTunes

I love music and enjoy hitting the bar(s) over the weekend, so naturally, when the mood strikes me, I've never been coy about playing some songs on the jukebox. This past Thursday, a friend of mine turned 50, so several friends of her's, including myself, all met up to celebrate the occasion. At around 9:30, a friend of mine and I both chipped in $5 to play some songs on the jukebox. Four hours and 231 skips later, we gave up on hearing the songs we had selected, and went home knowing we had just wasted $5. This wasn't the first time such a thing had happened to me (and many others), and due to that, I'll be boycotting jukeboxes. Why? The scam known as TouchTunes. You see, here's how the plot typically breaks down. A person (or group of people) downloads the TouchTunes app on his/her phone, consumes one too many adult beverages, and due to this, has less care for spending extra money to hear the songs of their choosing right NOW. That's the thing with TouchTun

The difference between "looking" and "checking out"

I may be way off with these numbers, but it's my approximation that at least 75% of individuals whom are involved in a serious relationship feel it's perfectly acceptable to "check out" members of the opposite sex they're not involved with. Meanwhile, approximately 25% either don't feel this is acceptable or aren't sure about the matter. I hadn't thought about this matter for a while, but since I've been dating a woman for about 8 months, the topic has been pondered about some. When reading or hearing others discuss this very issue, I often times hear comments similar to the following: "It's human nature to look." "There's nothing wrong with checking others out. I'm sure he/she does it too!" "It's fine to do it. Just don't tell your boyfriend/girlfriend about it or do it in front of them!" "It's natural to find people attractive." When observing the array of comments, I i

The verdict is in. To no one's surprise, Jonathan Hoenig has been found guilty of being an idiot.

Just recently, when discussing the Michael Brown shooting and whether or not race had anything to do with it, Fox News contributor Jonathan Hoenig said, "You know who talks about race? Racists." One moment while I provide Mr. Hoenig with the well deserved slow-clap. :: slow-claps for two seconds :: So, that was quite the line by Mr. Hoenig, wasn't it? "You know who talks about race? Racists." Well, wasn't he just talking about race? So, by his own words, I guess that makes him a racist. Also, if he wants to be consistent, does this mean that people whom talk about gender are sexists and people whom talk about sexual orientation are homophobes? With that line of thinking, Hoenig would engage in the following back-and-forths: Hoenig: "So, who are you voting for?" A woman: "The Democratic candidate, because he's been adamant about his support for equal rights for women." Hoenig: "You sexist feminist nazi!"

The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

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