God's Political Admission

As the 2016 presidential election begins to dominate the 24-hour cable news cycles, multiple Republican candidates have come forward in saying their decision to run for president was sparked by God calling on them to do so. In light of this, I asked TrippingAcid.com's own Rafael Reefer to catch up with God and ask him about these claims.

"Yeah, I called on them to run for president, all of them as a matter of fact. Actually, I've been calling on any and every Republican candidate to run for president since the year 2000," admitted God.

When asked by Reefer why this was the case, the all-mighty invisible creator responded:

"Look, I like comedy just as much as the next person, and frankly I've been getting sick and tired of what passes for comedy nowadays. I mean, Dane Cook? People worship my boy to be saved for all eternity and that's exactly how long one of his jokes seems to last! Adam Sandler? I've even heard stories where fetuses scream inside their mothers whenever being forced to listen to one of his films. It's true; it's science and in the Bible. Reality television? That's not real; that's not even funny. If people want to see real, watch a virgin give birth to a baby Jesus, and if you want to see funny, try explaining that to a doctor. So, I got tired of watching all of this crap and decided, what better way to spark constant laughter than to gather some of the craziest people in the world and have them debate one another? If there's such a thing as comedy gold, that's it. You're welcome, America!"

The reputable reporter Reefer then asked the allegedly omniscient, omnipotent, benevolent one if he had a favorite in the race, to which he replied with this:

"As far as running the country goes, no; they're all batsh*t crazy! As far as comedy goes, I'd have to say Ben Carson and Ted Cruz are my two early favorites. Mike Huckabee is a close third. Whenever he says something like, "God would say...," I want to stop him right there and finish his sentence for him, by saying, "...you're crazy." Now, if we could only get Ted Nugent to join this race, it'd be comedy heaven, not just from where I reside, but all across the world.

Lastly, when God was asked if he had any final words for the Republican Party, he said, "Reciting scientific studies, facts, and numbers aren't the equivalent to saying my name in vain, so stop treating them as such; the G-O-D is not down with the GOP; masturbation won't blind you, but prejudice and ignorance will; and you know that old 'That's what she said' joke'? Jesus started that."

After reading this article, it's being reported that Weird Al Yankovic will soon cover Naughty By Nature's song, "O.P.P." Weird Al's version will be entitled, "G.O.P.," where the chorus will go as follows:

"You down with the GOP? (Not G-O-D),

You down with the GOP? (Not G-O-D),

Who's down with the GOP? (No-frickin'-body)."

In response, every Republican candidate has blasted the song as blasphemy, all the while they pretend to speak for God on the campaign trail.

Boycotting jukeboxes because of TouchTunes

I love music and enjoy hitting the bar(s) over the weekend, so naturally, when the mood strikes me, I've never been coy about playing some songs on the jukebox. This past Thursday, a friend of mine turned 50, so several friends of her's, including myself, all met up to celebrate the occasion. At around 9:30, a friend of mine and I both chipped in $5 to play some songs on the jukebox. Four hours and 231 skips later, we gave up on hearing the songs we had selected, and went home knowing we had just wasted $5. This wasn't the first time such a thing had happened to me (and many others), and due to that, I'll be boycotting jukeboxes. Why? The scam known as TouchTunes. You see, here's how the plot typically breaks down. A person (or group of people) downloads the TouchTunes app on his/her phone, consumes one too many adult beverages, and due to this, has less care for spending extra money to hear the songs of their choosing right NOW. That's the thing with TouchTun

The difference between "looking" and "checking out"

I may be way off with these numbers, but it's my approximation that at least 75% of individuals whom are involved in a serious relationship feel it's perfectly acceptable to "check out" members of the opposite sex they're not involved with. Meanwhile, approximately 25% either don't feel this is acceptable or aren't sure about the matter. I hadn't thought about this matter for a while, but since I've been dating a woman for about 8 months, the topic has been pondered about some. When reading or hearing others discuss this very issue, I often times hear comments similar to the following: "It's human nature to look." "There's nothing wrong with checking others out. I'm sure he/she does it too!" "It's fine to do it. Just don't tell your boyfriend/girlfriend about it or do it in front of them!" "It's natural to find people attractive." When observing the array of comments, I i

The verdict is in. To no one's surprise, Jonathan Hoenig has been found guilty of being an idiot.

Just recently, when discussing the Michael Brown shooting and whether or not race had anything to do with it, Fox News contributor Jonathan Hoenig said, "You know who talks about race? Racists." One moment while I provide Mr. Hoenig with the well deserved slow-clap. :: slow-claps for two seconds :: So, that was quite the line by Mr. Hoenig, wasn't it? "You know who talks about race? Racists." Well, wasn't he just talking about race? So, by his own words, I guess that makes him a racist. Also, if he wants to be consistent, does this mean that people whom talk about gender are sexists and people whom talk about sexual orientation are homophobes? With that line of thinking, Hoenig would engage in the following back-and-forths: Hoenig: "So, who are you voting for?" A woman: "The Democratic candidate, because he's been adamant about his support for equal rights for women." Hoenig: "You sexist feminist nazi!"

The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

Search This Blog