The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

I know I've written about this before, but it bears repeating, ESPN's QBR stat is hogwash. There's a reason no other sports network or publication ever talks about a player's QBR. It's such appalling trash, garbage-people won't even pick it up on Wednesdays.  Don't believe me? Think I'm exaggerating? Here's a current rundown of the bottom half of the league when it comes to ESPN's QBR rankings:  17) Russell Wilson: 58.9 (65.9%, 16 TD, 4 INT, 8.5 ypa, 112.8 rating, 77 rush yards) 18) Aaron Rodgers: 57.6 (61.3%, 13 TD, 1 INT, 8.0 ypa, 100.4 rating, 116 rush yards) 19) Joe Flacco: 56.7 (61.1%, 12 TD, 6 INT, 6.6 ypa, 84.9 rating, 45 rush yards) 20) Jameis Winston: 56.1 (64.9%, 6 TD, 10 INT, 8.0 ypa, 74.7 rating, 109 rush yards, 1 TD) 21) Marcus Mariota: 54.8 (66.0%, 3 TD, 5 INT, 6.9 ypa, 78.5 rating, 185 rush yards, 1 TD) 22) Dak Prescott: 54.4 (62.1%, 8 TD, 4 INT, 6.9 ypa, 87.4 rating, 236 rush yards, 2 TDs) 23) Blake Bortles...

In Week 8 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ...Chris Spielman has mastered math like mimes have mastered motivational speaking. - ...the Miami Dolphins are about as predictable as F5 tornadoes nicknamed "Shifty." - ...the Pittsburgh Steelers suffer from  Princess Bride  moments when it comes to "free kicks": "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." - ...the Baltimore Ravens have been awarded with a "The Little Lebowski Urban Underachievers" certificate. - ...Adrian Peterson is set to star in the new film,  33 Going On 23 . - ..., when stand-up legend George Carlin said, "Golf is like watching flies f*ck," he was actually talking about Arizona Cardinals/San Francisco 49ers games. - ...Jameis Winston has apparently never consumed Fitz-Magic. Instead, he's opted for Shitz-Tragic. - ..., after sending Khalil Mack to Chicago and Amari Cooper to Dallas, the Oakland ...

My book, The Art of the Steal , just received another 5-star review. Here it is: " ATTN SNL: Your Writers' Room table needs 1 more chair... This is a delightfully audacious tale about an overdressed bully who somehow became the school president. Whenever the latest political news has you ready to hurl a coffee table at your TV, do yourself a favor: turn off the TV, take a few deep breaths, find a comfy chair, and read this hysterical book. Mr. Rozniecki's exceptional writing and imaginative sense of humor help us to find some much-needed laughter within a reality that has all of us reaching for Captain Jack Sparrow's bottle of rum. It would also be amazing to see how the cast of SNL could interpret this priceless story on stage..." If curious, you can check out the other reviews, as well as purchase and read the book at this link: https://www.amazon.com/Art-Steal-Became-School-President-ebook/product-reviews/B071F9TVRW/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_paging_btm_next_...

In Week 7 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ...the "ASSMAN" license plate Kramer mistakenly received in an episode of  Seinfeld  was apparently intended for Arizona Cardinals quarterback Josh Rosen, since due to the team's awful offensive line play, that's where he always winds up. - ...Chicago Bears quarterback Mitchell Trubisky, alongside Wesley Snipes, is set to star in the film,  White Guys Can Run (Reasonably Well... With Five 300 Lb. Men In Front of Them) . - ...extra points are now about as automatic as a drunken dyslexic's autocorrect correctly sending the message, "I f*ckin' love you." - ...the Cleveland Browns miss Josh Gordon like gay dogs miss bully sticks. Josh Gordon, on the other hand, misses the Cleveland Browns like the recently-gone-deaf miss Nickelback. - ...the Oakland Raiders played their best game of the season. It was their bye week. - ...drying paint gets bored watching the Dallas Cowboys' and...

The saying goes, "With friends likes these, who needs enemies?" When it comes to Donald Trump, the phrase could read, "With allies like him, who needs adversaries?" President Trump has been notorious for treating our allies like adversaries and our adversaries like allies. As a recent Pew Research Poll shows, our allies are noticing. Let's compare those numbers to how the world, our allies in particular, viewed us at the end of Obama's presidency: Confidence in Obama: 64% yes, 23% no (net +41%) in Trump: 27% yes, 70% no (net -43%) Difference: Obama +84%/Trump -84% Views of U.S. Obama: 64% favorable, 26% unfavorable (net +38%) Trump: 50% favorable, 43% unfavorable (net +7%) Difference: Obama +31%/Trump -31% Allies' Approval Australia: Obama 84%, Trump 54% (Obama +30%) Canada: Obama 83%, Trump 39% (Obama +44%) France: Obama 84%, Trump 38% (Obama +46%) Germany: Obama 86%, Trump 30% (Obama +56%) Greece: Obama 41%, Trump 36% (Obama +5%) Ital...

"Eli Manning doesn't know what he's doing anymore. He's a disaster. The Giants need to be done with him." I've never been one to overpraise Eli Manning. Even though he's led two Giants teams to Super Bowl victories, Eli is just four games over .500 as a starter, as he currently holds a 112-108 record. Not only that, but he's one of the most intercepted quarterbacks in NFL history. He currently ranks 15th in that category with 232 picks. Brett Favre leads the way with 336. If Manning continues at his current pace and plays for as long as Favre did, he'll wind up at #2 on the list with 303 interceptions, 26 ahead of 3rd place George Blanda. So let's get one thing straight, I'm not some Eli Manning homer. Having said that, though, these ESPN analysts are majorly overreacting to his play. Look, the New York Giants are not a good football team. The team is ranked 24th or worse in rush defense, scoring defense, quarterback sack percentage, and ...

In Week 6 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ...Odell Beckham, Jr. thought  The Naked Gun  was a documentary and heard Lieutenant Frank Drebin say in a scene, "You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your  hands  in a fan." - ..., in England, Derek Carr and the Oakland Raiders look like a bunch of bloody wankers.  - ...100% of end-zone celebrators think they can dance and 95% of them are wrong. - ...there are times Houston Texans quarterback Deshaun Watson holds onto the ball longer than David Duke hangs onto his wallet and hood at a Dollar Store in Harlem.  - ...RPO (Run Pass Option) doesn't stand for Righteous Pure Orgy. - ...pulling anyone but the quarterback's hair is perfectly acceptable. Pulling on the quarterback's hair, however, typically results in a minimum of a 15-day sentence, a $1.5 million fine, 150 hours of community service, and a permanent banishment from the league. If the ...

Just last week, Donald Trump said this: "We just passed Choice. That was 44 years, they've been trying to pass Choice. So that if you have to wait for nine days, 30 days, 21 days, months, you don't do that anymore. If the line is big, and you're unhappy, you go to a private doctor, they take care of you and we pay the bill. They've been trying to pass that one for many, many decades. They couldn't do it. We got it passed. We're good at passing things, right?" Actually, just four years ago, under Barack Obama's leadership, he and Congress passed the Veterans Access, Choice and Accountability Act of 2014. 4 years, 44 years? What's the difference? Only 91%... That'd be like Trump saying, "I got a 100% on this test!," while only scoring a 9%. A perfect score, a near zero? Yeah, that's the same thing... https://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2018/oct/02/donald-trump/donald-trump-gop-finally-passed-veterans-ch...

When standing back and thinking about it, isn't the concept of money odd? For most of our lives, our main goal revolves around having more pieces of paper than the next person. We continually chase after this piece of paper. This piece of paper is central to our well-being and existence. When someone runs out of this paper, he or she may suffer dire consequences because of it. We use this paper to get houses, cars, food, clothes, and booze. When we hand this piece of paper to someone, we tend to get something for it. To say this paper is magic would be doing a disservice to magic. No matter how much paper we possess, we always seek more. We can never have enough paper. When feeling generous, we hand paper to those without much paper, if any. Sometimes people become so obsessed with this paper, they commit crimes due to it. Yup, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness should probably instead read, "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, if you have paper."

Just a week or so ago, I was informed that an uncle of mine had been involved in a serious motorcycle accident. Broken bones, deep bruises, staples in the skull and all, it sounds as though he'll be okay when all is said and done. Sadly, I had to hear about this news through the grapevine, as this very uncle of mine has kind of alienated himself from the rest of the family over the past decade (or so). I always worried about something like this happening - that he or another family member would get seriously injured or, worse yet, killed, and he'd be forever left with guilt, allowing grudges to be thicker than blood. For as awful as this incident had to be, I sincerely hope it was a wake-up call to him and that the family can be united once again due to it. Regardless, I wish him a full and speedy recovery. Trust me, no matter how awful the disagreement may have been, it's never worth sacrificing your entire history, relationship over said grudge. Life is short. We ne...

In Week 5 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ...former Boston Red Sox pitcher Tim Wakefield has asked Cleveland Browns kicker Greg Joseph for lessons on how to kick a knuckleball. - ..., while Carolina Panthers kicker Graham Gano was handed a Get Laid Free card by the team's cheerleaders, Green Bay Packers kicker Mason Crosby will soon star in the film,  The 34-Year-Old Born Again Virgin . - ..., after turning the ball over five times against them, Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback Blake Bortles has been announced as the Kansas City Chiefs Player of the Week. - ..., after starting 2-3, former head coach Jimmy Johnson reportedly, in a drunken state, shouted, "How 'bout them Cowboys?," after singing "Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)" at a Fox Sports karaoke bash. - ..., prior to Sunday night's game against the Houston Texans, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott's biggest fear was clowns. Now it's Clowney. - ..., after he...

Due to some of my live-tweets during the Kavanaugh hearings, I was mentioned on these seven sites (all of my tweets can be seen here - https://twitter.com/CraigRozniecki ) : https://www.inquisitr.com/5092228/brett-kavanaugh-beer-senate/ https://www.mercurynews.com/2018/09/27/beer-trending-on-social-media-after-brett-kavanaughs-references-during-testimony/ https://usa-newsposts.com/world/beer-trending-on-social-media-after-brett-kavanaughs-references-during-testimony/ http://www.splitinstitute.com/2018/09/27/kavanaugh-crying-accuses-clinton-conspiracy-of-destroying-his-life/ https://la.epeak.in/?p=261527 https://newsfeeds.media/brett-kavanaugh-is-mocked-online-for-his-emotional-testimony-and-comments-about-beer/

I've had some fun with trending hashtags on Twitter in recent weeks. Here are my said posts, ordered from the most popular to the least popular (all my tweets can be viewed here -  https://twitter.com/CraigRozniecki ): 1) Blasey Ford: "Norepinephrine," "Indelible," "Sequela," "Hippocampus" Kavanaugh: "Boof," "Ralph," "Beer," "Ahhhhh!," "Waaaaah!" #KavanaughHearings 1,814 Likes, 595 Retweets 2) Dear GOP: This isn't jury duty. Kavanaugh doesn't need to be proven guilty  beyond a reasonable doubt. This is a job interview for an incredibly powerful position. Given the man's anger, drinking, dishonesty, & sexual improprieties, he doesn't deserve the job. #KavanaughHearings 1,525 Likes, 423 Retweets 3) Kavanaugh: "I'm a good, nice man. I don't get angry. Do you hear me?!? I DON'T GET ANGRY! I DON'T GET F*CKING ANGRY, OKAY? Oh, and I love Jesus....

In Week 4 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ...it's likely being proposed that the league supply all quarterbacks with a lifetime supply of Huggies. - ...Earl Thomas is a practicing member of the MFCC (Middle Finger Cardio Club). - ..., after their performance against the New England Patriots on Sunday, the Miami Dolphins are thinking about changing their team nickname to the Beached Whales. - ...overtimes are now more common than Stephen A. Smith yelling about auditioning as a mime in his sleep. - ...the "Steel Curtain" is now made of already-torn paper. - ...it ain't over until it's over, unless you're the Atlanta Falcons and are up by fewer than 7 points with under 10 seconds left to play. Then you've lost. - ...NFL teams will soon invest in human cloning, with Khalil Mack being the primary focus. The secondary focus will be on Tim Tebow for waterboy. - ..., for a limited time only, you can purchase a bottle of Fitz...