Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"
Episode 35: Trumponavirus
Premiere Date: 3/4/20
Length: 8:00 (1,195 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/trumponavirus/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 35, entitled, “Trumponavirus.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
With each and every passing day, it appears increasingly more likely that Donald Trump wrote the book, 1,001 Things Not to Say or Do During a Pandemic Flu. Seriously, if there were one person you wouldn’t want leading the nation during a pandemic flu, it’s Donald Trump, with Mike Pence coming in a close second, and that uber-handsy guy from work rounding out the top 3.
Here’s what Donald Trump has done in the wake of Coronavirus, or Beervirus as he likely calls it:
- Told us everything was going wonderfully.
- Silenced the CDC, as people started dying.
- Named Mike Pence, the anti-science dunce, to lead his Coronavirus team.
- Lied about the number of Americans whom were affected.
- Called the media’s portrayal of the virus a hoax.
- Said Democrats were hoping millions of people would die from the virus to make him look bad.
- Blamed at least part of the stock market tumble on the South Carolina Democratic debate, which didn’t start until well after the plummet began.
- Has contradicted doctors by saying a vaccine for the virus would be coming out very soon.
- Gave a press conference where he made less sense than usual, which is saying something.
- Said it’ll go away in April, when spring starts and temperatures begin to rise.
- He then said it’ll one day disappear like a miracle.
- Even though there have been far fewer cases of Coronavirus reported there, he has contemplated refusing travel from south of the border.
- He’s told supporters that there’s no need to worry about contracting the virus at a rally of his, so come on down!
- Through all of this, he and his team have continually declared to the media that, through unprecedented steps taken by Trump, we’re faring far better than we would had we been led by a different president.
So there we have it. The clown in the White House has incited fear; contradicted himself; outright lied; and hired know-nothings to lead the effort into fighting the pandemic. This whole ordeal has reminded me of a scene from quite possibly my favorite comedy of all time – The Naked Gun – where Lieutenant Frank Drebin, played by the late Leslie Nielsen, while an entire town is seemingly blowing up behind him, says, “Please disperse. Nothing to see here. Keep moving. Nothing to see here.” For Donald Trump, that would read, “Please diss-percy. Nothing to see here. There is something to see here. Look, nothing to see here. Only I can see what’s going on here, believe me! If you wanna see all the action non-action, come on down and stand a few feet behind me where all of the nothing is happening. Not only that, but I just hired my best guy to look into this big pile of nothing – Jimmy Hoffa. Terrific guy, just fantastic.”
How can anyone still believe this guy? Here’s how I envision a conversation between Trump and a die-hard supporter regarding Coronavirus.
Trump: “We’ve got everything taken care of. Nothing to worry about. Things are great.”
Trumper: “I knew I could trust you! MAGA!”
Trump: “People are dying…”
Trumper: “Wait, I thought you said everything was okay.”
Trump: “Fantastic. Never been better.”
Trumper: “Yeah! Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!”
Trump: “We’re up to 9 deaths now and hundreds of more people have been infected and could die.”
Trumper: “But everything’s good?”
Trump: “Of course. The virus is just a hoax anyway. Lamestream media, Demonrats hoax, bigly.”
Trumper: “I had a feeling!”
Trump: “So I’ve hired Mike Pence as my Coronavirus czar to lead my Coronavirus team.”
Trumper: “Why do you need all that if it’s a hoax?”
Trump: “Because it’s not a hoax hoax; it’s just a hoax.”
Trumper: “I think I get it now!”
Trump: “This hoax, non-hoax was started by the Democrats even before Democrats came into existence.”
Trumper: “Is that even possible?”
Trump: “Of course. Don’t you think I did things before I existed?”
Trumper: “Well, duh!”
Trump: “Good. So anyway, like I said, 9 have died; hundreds more may well be on their way; and if Democrats have their way, millions more will die, just to make me look bad.”
Trumper: “How can a hoax result in millions of deaths?”
Trump: “You ask a lot of stupid questions.”
Trumper: “I’m sorry, Mr. President. So this hoax, but not hoax-hoax, which was started by Democrats before they came into existence, could result in millions of deaths – at least that’s what Democrats hope, just to make you look bad. Is that right?”
Trump: “You’re so on it. Need a job?”
Trumper: “Yeah!”
Trump: “How would you like to be my Secretary of Defense?”
Trumper: “Oh, can I? Please, please?!?”
Trump: “Wait, how old are you?”
Trumper: “16!”
Trump: “Perfect. Make America great again!”
Trumper: “Make America great again!”
That brings us to my From Snark to Finish segment this week. In today’s segment, I will read off a Top Ten List I concocted. Here are the Top Ten Predicted Health Tips Donald Trump Will Utter at Some Point in the Future. Again, these are the Top Ten Predicted Health Tips Donald Trump Will Utter at Some Point in the Future.
10. “Being as healthy as I am isn’t easy. If you want to look like the fine specimen I am, you’ll need to eat from all of the six major food groups every day: Fruit snacks; diet soda; a bucket of KFC chicken – make that two buckets, two buckets; french fries – need your veggies; White Castle burgers; lots of bacon; a bag of potato chips; some Ho-Hos – don’t forget your hush money, fellas; oh, and Trump Steaks, of course.”
9. “Once you hit 50, don’t forget to have your colon scoped by spell-check.”
8. “If you get a cold, just do one thing. Two words – wear a blanket.”
7. “Guys, don’t ever worry about getting herpes. Guys can’t get herpes. If we could, it’d be called hispes.”
6. “One laydown is worth 50 sit-ups. Period.”
5. “If you’re afraid you’re going to have a heart-attack, attack your heart before it can attack you. Works every time.”
4. “All you need for the perfect looking skin are daily baths with nothing but orange juice, pumpkins, Cheetos, orange sherbert, and oregano.”
3. “If you want to lose weight, forget all of those stupid dieting plans. Just stop eating and keep pooping. It’s as simple as that.”
2. “Masturbate with a Monopoly thimble at least twice a week. I’ve already done it three times this week and I’m about to do it again, folks. I can’t believe it’s just Tuesday.”
1. (drumroll) “To stop the spread of the Beervirus, instead of shaking people’s hands or kissing them on the cheeks, grab ‘em by the pussy.”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Amazon, Twitter, your mom, and Blogspot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
Episode 35: Trumponavirus
Premiere Date: 3/4/20
Length: 8:00 (1,195 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/trumponavirus/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 35, entitled, “Trumponavirus.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
With each and every passing day, it appears increasingly more likely that Donald Trump wrote the book, 1,001 Things Not to Say or Do During a Pandemic Flu. Seriously, if there were one person you wouldn’t want leading the nation during a pandemic flu, it’s Donald Trump, with Mike Pence coming in a close second, and that uber-handsy guy from work rounding out the top 3.
Here’s what Donald Trump has done in the wake of Coronavirus, or Beervirus as he likely calls it:
- Told us everything was going wonderfully.
- Silenced the CDC, as people started dying.
- Named Mike Pence, the anti-science dunce, to lead his Coronavirus team.
- Lied about the number of Americans whom were affected.
- Called the media’s portrayal of the virus a hoax.
- Said Democrats were hoping millions of people would die from the virus to make him look bad.
- Blamed at least part of the stock market tumble on the South Carolina Democratic debate, which didn’t start until well after the plummet began.
- Has contradicted doctors by saying a vaccine for the virus would be coming out very soon.
- Gave a press conference where he made less sense than usual, which is saying something.
- Said it’ll go away in April, when spring starts and temperatures begin to rise.
- He then said it’ll one day disappear like a miracle.
- Even though there have been far fewer cases of Coronavirus reported there, he has contemplated refusing travel from south of the border.
- He’s told supporters that there’s no need to worry about contracting the virus at a rally of his, so come on down!
- Through all of this, he and his team have continually declared to the media that, through unprecedented steps taken by Trump, we’re faring far better than we would had we been led by a different president.
So there we have it. The clown in the White House has incited fear; contradicted himself; outright lied; and hired know-nothings to lead the effort into fighting the pandemic. This whole ordeal has reminded me of a scene from quite possibly my favorite comedy of all time – The Naked Gun – where Lieutenant Frank Drebin, played by the late Leslie Nielsen, while an entire town is seemingly blowing up behind him, says, “Please disperse. Nothing to see here. Keep moving. Nothing to see here.” For Donald Trump, that would read, “Please diss-percy. Nothing to see here. There is something to see here. Look, nothing to see here. Only I can see what’s going on here, believe me! If you wanna see all the action non-action, come on down and stand a few feet behind me where all of the nothing is happening. Not only that, but I just hired my best guy to look into this big pile of nothing – Jimmy Hoffa. Terrific guy, just fantastic.”
How can anyone still believe this guy? Here’s how I envision a conversation between Trump and a die-hard supporter regarding Coronavirus.
Trump: “We’ve got everything taken care of. Nothing to worry about. Things are great.”
Trumper: “I knew I could trust you! MAGA!”
Trump: “People are dying…”
Trumper: “Wait, I thought you said everything was okay.”
Trump: “Fantastic. Never been better.”
Trumper: “Yeah! Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!”
Trump: “We’re up to 9 deaths now and hundreds of more people have been infected and could die.”
Trumper: “But everything’s good?”
Trump: “Of course. The virus is just a hoax anyway. Lamestream media, Demonrats hoax, bigly.”
Trumper: “I had a feeling!”
Trump: “So I’ve hired Mike Pence as my Coronavirus czar to lead my Coronavirus team.”
Trumper: “Why do you need all that if it’s a hoax?”
Trump: “Because it’s not a hoax hoax; it’s just a hoax.”
Trumper: “I think I get it now!”
Trump: “This hoax, non-hoax was started by the Democrats even before Democrats came into existence.”
Trumper: “Is that even possible?”
Trump: “Of course. Don’t you think I did things before I existed?”
Trumper: “Well, duh!”
Trump: “Good. So anyway, like I said, 9 have died; hundreds more may well be on their way; and if Democrats have their way, millions more will die, just to make me look bad.”
Trumper: “How can a hoax result in millions of deaths?”
Trump: “You ask a lot of stupid questions.”
Trumper: “I’m sorry, Mr. President. So this hoax, but not hoax-hoax, which was started by Democrats before they came into existence, could result in millions of deaths – at least that’s what Democrats hope, just to make you look bad. Is that right?”
Trump: “You’re so on it. Need a job?”
Trumper: “Yeah!”
Trump: “How would you like to be my Secretary of Defense?”
Trumper: “Oh, can I? Please, please?!?”
Trump: “Wait, how old are you?”
Trumper: “16!”
Trump: “Perfect. Make America great again!”
Trumper: “Make America great again!”
That brings us to my From Snark to Finish segment this week. In today’s segment, I will read off a Top Ten List I concocted. Here are the Top Ten Predicted Health Tips Donald Trump Will Utter at Some Point in the Future. Again, these are the Top Ten Predicted Health Tips Donald Trump Will Utter at Some Point in the Future.
10. “Being as healthy as I am isn’t easy. If you want to look like the fine specimen I am, you’ll need to eat from all of the six major food groups every day: Fruit snacks; diet soda; a bucket of KFC chicken – make that two buckets, two buckets; french fries – need your veggies; White Castle burgers; lots of bacon; a bag of potato chips; some Ho-Hos – don’t forget your hush money, fellas; oh, and Trump Steaks, of course.”
9. “Once you hit 50, don’t forget to have your colon scoped by spell-check.”
8. “If you get a cold, just do one thing. Two words – wear a blanket.”
7. “Guys, don’t ever worry about getting herpes. Guys can’t get herpes. If we could, it’d be called hispes.”
6. “One laydown is worth 50 sit-ups. Period.”
5. “If you’re afraid you’re going to have a heart-attack, attack your heart before it can attack you. Works every time.”
4. “All you need for the perfect looking skin are daily baths with nothing but orange juice, pumpkins, Cheetos, orange sherbert, and oregano.”
3. “If you want to lose weight, forget all of those stupid dieting plans. Just stop eating and keep pooping. It’s as simple as that.”
2. “Masturbate with a Monopoly thimble at least twice a week. I’ve already done it three times this week and I’m about to do it again, folks. I can’t believe it’s just Tuesday.”
1. (drumroll) “To stop the spread of the Beervirus, instead of shaking people’s hands or kissing them on the cheeks, grab ‘em by the pussy.”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Amazon, Twitter, your mom, and Blogspot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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