Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"
Episode 39: The Coronavirus Jesus
Premiere Date: 3/25/20
Length: 6:37 (1,018 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/the-coronavirus-jesus/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 39, entitled, “The Coronavirus Jesus.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
At a recent Fox News town hall, Donald Trump was asked about when he foresaw the economy getting back on track. Now I didn’t watch this event live. For one reason, I was looking after my kid. For another, I refuse to watch Fox News, but I digress. When I first read a headline that Trump wanted to reopen the country on April 12th, or Easter, I told my mother, “Oh, just watch, he’s going to compare himself to Jesus and talk about resurrecting the economy on Easter Sunday.” Not long after, I read his exact response. It was:
“I’d love to have it open by Easter. I would love to have that. It’s such an important day for other reasons, but I’ll make it an important day for this too. I would love to have the country opened up and just raring to go by Easter.”
He added:
“Easter is a very special day for me. It would be great to have all of the churches full. So, I think Easter Sunday, and you will have packed churches all over our country. I think it would be a beautiful time and it’s just about the timeline that I think is right.”
That’s right. Three weeks before Easter Sunday, Donald Trump has essentially anointed himself as the Coronavirus Jesus.
Okay, so first off, his deadline-not-really-a-deadline-more-like-not-sure-if-it’s-a-deadline-just-using-it-as-a-feeler-deadline, is not realistic. Let me rephrase that. It’s not realistic if he truly wants the country to be fully rid of the virus as soon as possible. Okay, I’m going to have to touch that up one more time. Last time, I promise. This, eh, “deadline” isn’t realistic if he truly wants the country to be fully rid of the virus as soon as possible, well, that is if you exclude him ignoring the virus for two months after its inception in this country.
On February 26th, the man-baby they call Trump uttered on national television that there were only 15 cases of Coronavirus in the country; that he had things totally under control; and we’d be down to zero cases within a couple of days. Fast-forward a month and we now have confirmed over 50,000 cases of the virus and haven’t come close to flattening the curve yet. An increasing number of governors are locking down their states for multiple weeks; sports have temporarily gone the way of the Dodo bird; and due to how much it now occurs in people between the ages of 6 and 126, there has been an evolution in the term Netflix-and-chill. So unless The Donald wants to be even stupider than normal, which would be saying something, the US will not reopen on Easter Sunday.
Let’s pretend for a moment that he tries to prompt this resurrection of the economy on April 12th, however, you know, being Coronavirus Jesus and all. Here’s how I’d picture him giving the announcement from the Oval Office on Easter Sunday.
“My fellow AmeriRussians. Coast to coast. This includes the countries of Iowa, Idaho, and Nebraska; the continents of Texas, Oklahoma, and Rhode Island; the planets of Florida, Alabama, and Xenu. As some of you know, today is Easter Sunday, or as most people know it by, Jesus’s birthday. It’s really an incredible day. Not only was this the day baby Jesus was born; it was the day adult Jesus died; and the day dead Jesus rose again 3 days later. Think about that. Think about how incredible that is. The same exact day, a person is born, dies, and rises from the dead 3 days later. That’s incredible, just fantastic, like tremendous and shit. Well, like Jesus was erected on this very special day, I’m here to tell you tonight, my fellow AmeriRussians, that I’m now going to erect the economy, bigly. It’s going to be so erect by the time I’m through with it, believe me!
With over 100,000 people infected with this virus, and that number still growing by the tivosecond, I think it’s only smart for us to all get back to work; start shaking hands; making out with complete strangers while they’re coughing; the whole deal. This is the only way we’ll get the economy back on track; stop getting sick; and avoid a great depression from yours truly.
You see, folks, I know more about the Jiiina Virus than even General Tso does, believe me! I’ve spoken to the general. Not very bright. He kept picking up packets of soy sauce with chopsticks. You can’t be very smart if you’re doing that. Everyone knows what chopsticks are really for – pizza. Anyway, the Jiiina Virus started in Jiiina; it got sent here by email to Hillary’s secret server. Because of this, four Americans died in Benghazi. So, really, when you think about it, this whole thing is Crooked Hillary’s fault. So here’s what I’m going to do, folks. I’m going to download this thingy called Trump Malware to Crooked Hillary’s server, use it to get rid of the Jiiina Virus, and viola, it’ll disappear, like magic. That’s how Jiiina Viruses work, folks. Look at the flu.
This is why flu shots are a needle hoax. The only way to get rid of the flu isn’t a shot; it’s by tapping a person on the head with a laptop five times, before saying, ‘You’re cured, bigly.’
That’s how it’s done. I really should have been a doctor, folks. I’m not kidding you. I’d make such a great doctor. So like I said, with so many people getting sick; the virus being so contagious; and deadly, especially for older folks, we need to all start holding hands, kissing, and breathing into each other’s mouths – especially if you have a fever and are coughing. You’ll thank me later. God bless you and God bless the United States of AmeriRussia.”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogspot. That has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
Episode 39: The Coronavirus Jesus
Premiere Date: 3/25/20
Length: 6:37 (1,018 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/the-coronavirus-jesus/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 39, entitled, “The Coronavirus Jesus.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
At a recent Fox News town hall, Donald Trump was asked about when he foresaw the economy getting back on track. Now I didn’t watch this event live. For one reason, I was looking after my kid. For another, I refuse to watch Fox News, but I digress. When I first read a headline that Trump wanted to reopen the country on April 12th, or Easter, I told my mother, “Oh, just watch, he’s going to compare himself to Jesus and talk about resurrecting the economy on Easter Sunday.” Not long after, I read his exact response. It was:
“I’d love to have it open by Easter. I would love to have that. It’s such an important day for other reasons, but I’ll make it an important day for this too. I would love to have the country opened up and just raring to go by Easter.”
He added:
“Easter is a very special day for me. It would be great to have all of the churches full. So, I think Easter Sunday, and you will have packed churches all over our country. I think it would be a beautiful time and it’s just about the timeline that I think is right.”
That’s right. Three weeks before Easter Sunday, Donald Trump has essentially anointed himself as the Coronavirus Jesus.
Okay, so first off, his deadline-not-really-a-deadline-more-like-not-sure-if-it’s-a-deadline-just-using-it-as-a-feeler-deadline, is not realistic. Let me rephrase that. It’s not realistic if he truly wants the country to be fully rid of the virus as soon as possible. Okay, I’m going to have to touch that up one more time. Last time, I promise. This, eh, “deadline” isn’t realistic if he truly wants the country to be fully rid of the virus as soon as possible, well, that is if you exclude him ignoring the virus for two months after its inception in this country.
On February 26th, the man-baby they call Trump uttered on national television that there were only 15 cases of Coronavirus in the country; that he had things totally under control; and we’d be down to zero cases within a couple of days. Fast-forward a month and we now have confirmed over 50,000 cases of the virus and haven’t come close to flattening the curve yet. An increasing number of governors are locking down their states for multiple weeks; sports have temporarily gone the way of the Dodo bird; and due to how much it now occurs in people between the ages of 6 and 126, there has been an evolution in the term Netflix-and-chill. So unless The Donald wants to be even stupider than normal, which would be saying something, the US will not reopen on Easter Sunday.
Let’s pretend for a moment that he tries to prompt this resurrection of the economy on April 12th, however, you know, being Coronavirus Jesus and all. Here’s how I’d picture him giving the announcement from the Oval Office on Easter Sunday.
“My fellow AmeriRussians. Coast to coast. This includes the countries of Iowa, Idaho, and Nebraska; the continents of Texas, Oklahoma, and Rhode Island; the planets of Florida, Alabama, and Xenu. As some of you know, today is Easter Sunday, or as most people know it by, Jesus’s birthday. It’s really an incredible day. Not only was this the day baby Jesus was born; it was the day adult Jesus died; and the day dead Jesus rose again 3 days later. Think about that. Think about how incredible that is. The same exact day, a person is born, dies, and rises from the dead 3 days later. That’s incredible, just fantastic, like tremendous and shit. Well, like Jesus was erected on this very special day, I’m here to tell you tonight, my fellow AmeriRussians, that I’m now going to erect the economy, bigly. It’s going to be so erect by the time I’m through with it, believe me!
With over 100,000 people infected with this virus, and that number still growing by the tivosecond, I think it’s only smart for us to all get back to work; start shaking hands; making out with complete strangers while they’re coughing; the whole deal. This is the only way we’ll get the economy back on track; stop getting sick; and avoid a great depression from yours truly.
You see, folks, I know more about the Jiiina Virus than even General Tso does, believe me! I’ve spoken to the general. Not very bright. He kept picking up packets of soy sauce with chopsticks. You can’t be very smart if you’re doing that. Everyone knows what chopsticks are really for – pizza. Anyway, the Jiiina Virus started in Jiiina; it got sent here by email to Hillary’s secret server. Because of this, four Americans died in Benghazi. So, really, when you think about it, this whole thing is Crooked Hillary’s fault. So here’s what I’m going to do, folks. I’m going to download this thingy called Trump Malware to Crooked Hillary’s server, use it to get rid of the Jiiina Virus, and viola, it’ll disappear, like magic. That’s how Jiiina Viruses work, folks. Look at the flu.
This is why flu shots are a needle hoax. The only way to get rid of the flu isn’t a shot; it’s by tapping a person on the head with a laptop five times, before saying, ‘You’re cured, bigly.’
That’s how it’s done. I really should have been a doctor, folks. I’m not kidding you. I’d make such a great doctor. So like I said, with so many people getting sick; the virus being so contagious; and deadly, especially for older folks, we need to all start holding hands, kissing, and breathing into each other’s mouths – especially if you have a fever and are coughing. You’ll thank me later. God bless you and God bless the United States of AmeriRussia.”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogspot. That has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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