Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"
Episode 40: COVID-19 Top Tens
Premiere Date: 3/30/20
Length: 10:58 (1,366)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/covid-19-top-tens/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 40, entitled, “COVID-19 Top Tens.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
Well, with many of us on lockdown, understandably panicking about Coronavirus, I thought I’d try to lighten the mood a bit with a series of Letterman-like Top Ten Lists concerning COVID-19. Here we go…
The Top Ten Coronavirus Pick-Up Lines
10. “The answer is yes, that is a cucumber in my pants, and I’m happy to see you. I’m just letting you know because you gotta be, what, 10 feet away from me right now? Anyway, you’re welcome!”
9. “Wanna come to my place, listen to some Billy Idol, and do what the song suggests by dancing with ourselves? Only with each other? But in separate rooms? Whew, is it getting hot in here?!?”
8. “Has anyone ever told you that you look like… Wait, come closer… Not that close! What are you trying to do?!? Back the hell up! Where Was I? Whatever, so do you wanna go out sometime?”
7. “HEY, YOU OVER THERE! CAN I TEXT YOU SOMETIME? I PROMISE TO WEAR GLOVES!”
6. “Wanna Netflix-and-chill? Seriously, I’ve got the two-screen-streaming plan. You can watch the show or movie of your choice in the family room and I’ll do the same in the living room.”
5. “So, do you buy Charmin here often?”
4. “Crazy party at my place! You should come! There will be just you, me, hand sanitizer, masks, and a shitload of toilet paper. You down, or is that just a little too kinky for you?”
3. “Damn, girl, I hope you look as good from 6 millimeters away as you do from 6 feet. No, no, not yet. Let’s not move too fast. Six feet is already 2nd base. Two more feet and we’ll already be at home plate.”
2. “Hey, just thought I’d let you know I’m clean. No COVID-19. I’ve got herpes; gonorrhea; and something new they call Little Dick of Horrors, but I’m Coronavirus-free. Just sayin’.”
1. (drumroll) “Sooo, are you wanting to role-play that hot-ass full-body-condom scene from The Naked Gun as much as I am right now?”
The Top Ten Ideas Trump Will Have to End Coronavirus
10. Hire Rambo, Jack Bauer, Walker: Texas Ranger, and Elmer Fudd to take care of it.
9. Re-enact the famous line scene from Airplane!, only this time lining up professional boxers to knock the Coronavirus out of those infected with it.
8. During a speech in the Oval Office, preach that God said in Two Corinthians, “’There will one day be an invisible man called Ca-roh-nah, sent to us by another man named Obama, which will prompt lots of drama – mainly in the form of death. We thou shalt be saved and shit from an orange man, whose name rhymes with ‘Ronnie Chump.’ Amen.”
7. Start calling it Heinekenvirus, for as he will say, “Now with the Heinekenvirus, we have no more Coronavirus.”
6. To build immunity by requiring everyone to cough into each other’s mouths.
5. Stare at it with solar eclipse glasses for at least 100 Mississippis.
4. Make it mandatory for every US citizen to purchase a firearm, stand in front of their homes at the same time, and shoot into thin air.
3. Nuke people who have the virus, but do it, as he’ll put it, “Very carefully. So so very carefully. They won’t feel a thing, folks, believe me.”
2. Build a wall around all the states with COVID-19 patients and have the makers of Corona beer pay for it.
1. (drumroll) Do the only thing he knows how to do: Sue it.
The Top Ten Things You Shouldn’t Do During the COVID Pandemic
10. Pull a Costanza and double-dip a chip.
9. Think the only way to prevent Corona is by drinking Corona.
8. Try to outspit an emu on a windy day.
7. Demonstrate CPR on all passengers at an airport.
6. Get married without wearing a mask and gloves.
5. Play Pattie-Cake at a hospital.
4. Play spin-the-bottle at a nursing home.
3. Get a haircut from Sneezy dwarf.
2. Shake everyone’s hand at an orgy.
1. (drumroll) Listen to someone who refers to themselves as Dr. Trump.
The Top Ten Lies Trump Will Tell About COVID-19 in the Future
10. “This is very sad. I hate to say this, but it’s the truth. Every time a guy by the name of Don Jones dies of the Coronavirus, the Dow Jones goes up. I didn’t believe it at first either, but it’s true, so, so very true.”
9. “All the fancy doctors are calling this COVID-19, but this guy I know – the best guy; the smartest guy; you don’t even know. He told me this virus is actually called COVFEFE-19.”
8. “I’ve made it so you can get Imodium at the store to help stop the flow with this thing. You’re welcome, America.”
7. “I can’t fight in this war against an invisible enemy because of bone-spurs. True story. I’ve got a doctor’s note and everything. See right there? Dr. Who.”
6. “The eye of the COVID storm, as you can see over here courtesy of my scientific Sharpie, will be most felt in Alabama.”
5. “As soon as we fully repeal Obamacare, this will go away; that I can promise you. COVID-69 is bad for your health. Obamacare is very bad for your health. It just makes sense. If we repeal Obamacare, we’ll get rid of a lot of things: Coronavirus; AIDS; health insurance; people. So great. It would so great; believe me.”
4. “I called my good friend, really my BFF – Vladimir Putin – and asked for his advice. He said if we can hack into Crooked Hillary’s 30,000 emails, we’ll find the cure. You can’t spell ‘Corona’ without ‘Benghazi,’ folks. You can try, but it can’t be done. That’s just basic math for ya.”
3. “Since I ignored the Jiiinavirus for a couple months, things will get better quicker than they would have otherwise. Ask any doctor and they’ll tell you, ‘The longer a person ignores cancer, the better the odds they’ll feel bigly better soon.’ Those aren’t my words. Those are the words of a doctor, folks – Dr. Someguy.”
2. “Jiiina may have started this thing, but we finally discovered what’s continuing to spread it – windmills.”
1. (drumroll) “The only way to remove Jiiinavirus from one’s system is with chopsticks.”
The Top Ten Social-Distancing Dating Tips
10. Only kiss on a first date if it’s via FaceTime, Skype, or winky-tongue-sticking-out emoji.
9. Even if it’s 100 degrees outside, always dress like it’s the middle of winter. Walking barefoot can result in blisters. Walking barehand can result in COVID.
8. Just be yourself. …so long as you’re an introverted, agoraphobic recluse.
7. The three keys to making things work long-term are: 1) Trust; 2) Communication; and 3) Living at least 5,000 miles away from one another.
6. Instead of getting a table for two, ask for two tables and a pair of unused walkie talkies.
5. If you’re going to engage in intercourse, make sure to come prepared. I’m not talking about condoms. Make sure you bring gloves, as well as Jason and Michael Myers masks.
4. When messaging someone on a dating site, let your first question not be: “What do you do for fun?” or “What do you do for work?” Instead, ask “Do you believe in hand-sanitizer?,” “When’s the last time you washed your hands?,” or “When you do wash your hands, are you more likely to sing the first two words of ‘Happy Birthday’ or the extended version of ‘In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida’?”
3. If you ask your love-interest, “Your place or mine?,” be certain they understand you only asked this because these are literally the only two options.
2. Make sure you both get tested before engaging in the intimate act of sharing a meal.
1. (drumroll) Become a hybrid of a doctor and a nun, as you rock out a surgical mask at a convent.
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogspot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
Episode 40: COVID-19 Top Tens
Premiere Date: 3/30/20
Length: 10:58 (1,366)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/covid-19-top-tens/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 40, entitled, “COVID-19 Top Tens.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
Well, with many of us on lockdown, understandably panicking about Coronavirus, I thought I’d try to lighten the mood a bit with a series of Letterman-like Top Ten Lists concerning COVID-19. Here we go…
The Top Ten Coronavirus Pick-Up Lines
10. “The answer is yes, that is a cucumber in my pants, and I’m happy to see you. I’m just letting you know because you gotta be, what, 10 feet away from me right now? Anyway, you’re welcome!”
9. “Wanna come to my place, listen to some Billy Idol, and do what the song suggests by dancing with ourselves? Only with each other? But in separate rooms? Whew, is it getting hot in here?!?”
8. “Has anyone ever told you that you look like… Wait, come closer… Not that close! What are you trying to do?!? Back the hell up! Where Was I? Whatever, so do you wanna go out sometime?”
7. “HEY, YOU OVER THERE! CAN I TEXT YOU SOMETIME? I PROMISE TO WEAR GLOVES!”
6. “Wanna Netflix-and-chill? Seriously, I’ve got the two-screen-streaming plan. You can watch the show or movie of your choice in the family room and I’ll do the same in the living room.”
5. “So, do you buy Charmin here often?”
4. “Crazy party at my place! You should come! There will be just you, me, hand sanitizer, masks, and a shitload of toilet paper. You down, or is that just a little too kinky for you?”
3. “Damn, girl, I hope you look as good from 6 millimeters away as you do from 6 feet. No, no, not yet. Let’s not move too fast. Six feet is already 2nd base. Two more feet and we’ll already be at home plate.”
2. “Hey, just thought I’d let you know I’m clean. No COVID-19. I’ve got herpes; gonorrhea; and something new they call Little Dick of Horrors, but I’m Coronavirus-free. Just sayin’.”
1. (drumroll) “Sooo, are you wanting to role-play that hot-ass full-body-condom scene from The Naked Gun as much as I am right now?”
The Top Ten Ideas Trump Will Have to End Coronavirus
10. Hire Rambo, Jack Bauer, Walker: Texas Ranger, and Elmer Fudd to take care of it.
9. Re-enact the famous line scene from Airplane!, only this time lining up professional boxers to knock the Coronavirus out of those infected with it.
8. During a speech in the Oval Office, preach that God said in Two Corinthians, “’There will one day be an invisible man called Ca-roh-nah, sent to us by another man named Obama, which will prompt lots of drama – mainly in the form of death. We thou shalt be saved and shit from an orange man, whose name rhymes with ‘Ronnie Chump.’ Amen.”
7. Start calling it Heinekenvirus, for as he will say, “Now with the Heinekenvirus, we have no more Coronavirus.”
6. To build immunity by requiring everyone to cough into each other’s mouths.
5. Stare at it with solar eclipse glasses for at least 100 Mississippis.
4. Make it mandatory for every US citizen to purchase a firearm, stand in front of their homes at the same time, and shoot into thin air.
3. Nuke people who have the virus, but do it, as he’ll put it, “Very carefully. So so very carefully. They won’t feel a thing, folks, believe me.”
2. Build a wall around all the states with COVID-19 patients and have the makers of Corona beer pay for it.
1. (drumroll) Do the only thing he knows how to do: Sue it.
The Top Ten Things You Shouldn’t Do During the COVID Pandemic
10. Pull a Costanza and double-dip a chip.
9. Think the only way to prevent Corona is by drinking Corona.
8. Try to outspit an emu on a windy day.
7. Demonstrate CPR on all passengers at an airport.
6. Get married without wearing a mask and gloves.
5. Play Pattie-Cake at a hospital.
4. Play spin-the-bottle at a nursing home.
3. Get a haircut from Sneezy dwarf.
2. Shake everyone’s hand at an orgy.
1. (drumroll) Listen to someone who refers to themselves as Dr. Trump.
The Top Ten Lies Trump Will Tell About COVID-19 in the Future
10. “This is very sad. I hate to say this, but it’s the truth. Every time a guy by the name of Don Jones dies of the Coronavirus, the Dow Jones goes up. I didn’t believe it at first either, but it’s true, so, so very true.”
9. “All the fancy doctors are calling this COVID-19, but this guy I know – the best guy; the smartest guy; you don’t even know. He told me this virus is actually called COVFEFE-19.”
8. “I’ve made it so you can get Imodium at the store to help stop the flow with this thing. You’re welcome, America.”
7. “I can’t fight in this war against an invisible enemy because of bone-spurs. True story. I’ve got a doctor’s note and everything. See right there? Dr. Who.”
6. “The eye of the COVID storm, as you can see over here courtesy of my scientific Sharpie, will be most felt in Alabama.”
5. “As soon as we fully repeal Obamacare, this will go away; that I can promise you. COVID-69 is bad for your health. Obamacare is very bad for your health. It just makes sense. If we repeal Obamacare, we’ll get rid of a lot of things: Coronavirus; AIDS; health insurance; people. So great. It would so great; believe me.”
4. “I called my good friend, really my BFF – Vladimir Putin – and asked for his advice. He said if we can hack into Crooked Hillary’s 30,000 emails, we’ll find the cure. You can’t spell ‘Corona’ without ‘Benghazi,’ folks. You can try, but it can’t be done. That’s just basic math for ya.”
3. “Since I ignored the Jiiinavirus for a couple months, things will get better quicker than they would have otherwise. Ask any doctor and they’ll tell you, ‘The longer a person ignores cancer, the better the odds they’ll feel bigly better soon.’ Those aren’t my words. Those are the words of a doctor, folks – Dr. Someguy.”
2. “Jiiina may have started this thing, but we finally discovered what’s continuing to spread it – windmills.”
1. (drumroll) “The only way to remove Jiiinavirus from one’s system is with chopsticks.”
The Top Ten Social-Distancing Dating Tips
10. Only kiss on a first date if it’s via FaceTime, Skype, or winky-tongue-sticking-out emoji.
9. Even if it’s 100 degrees outside, always dress like it’s the middle of winter. Walking barefoot can result in blisters. Walking barehand can result in COVID.
8. Just be yourself. …so long as you’re an introverted, agoraphobic recluse.
7. The three keys to making things work long-term are: 1) Trust; 2) Communication; and 3) Living at least 5,000 miles away from one another.
6. Instead of getting a table for two, ask for two tables and a pair of unused walkie talkies.
5. If you’re going to engage in intercourse, make sure to come prepared. I’m not talking about condoms. Make sure you bring gloves, as well as Jason and Michael Myers masks.
4. When messaging someone on a dating site, let your first question not be: “What do you do for fun?” or “What do you do for work?” Instead, ask “Do you believe in hand-sanitizer?,” “When’s the last time you washed your hands?,” or “When you do wash your hands, are you more likely to sing the first two words of ‘Happy Birthday’ or the extended version of ‘In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida’?”
3. If you ask your love-interest, “Your place or mine?,” be certain they understand you only asked this because these are literally the only two options.
2. Make sure you both get tested before engaging in the intimate act of sharing a meal.
1. (drumroll) Become a hybrid of a doctor and a nun, as you rock out a surgical mask at a convent.
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogspot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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