Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"
Episode 70: A Tale of Two Conventions
Premiere Date: 9/2/20
Length: 11:15 (1,703 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/a-tale-of-two-conventions/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 70, entitled, “A Tale of Two Conventions.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
As I do every four years, I watched both the Democratic and Republican conventions. In case you missed them, for whatever reason – perhaps you wanted to social distance yourself from bullshit, I thought I’d satirize the series of events for you, courtesy of a debate. The debate will be between the Democratic Party, voiced by my rendition of Joe Biden, and the Republican Party, voiced by my impression of Donald Trump. The debate moderator will be my version of Steve Harvey, because why not? Here we go…
Harvey: “…and the winner is Miss South Africa, I mean, Miss North Korea. I kid, I kid, but seriously, folks, welcome to the first annual Joint Convention Debate. I’m your host, Steve Harvey. With us today, representing the Democratic Party, is former Vice President Joe Biden, and representing the Republican Party, is current president Donald Trump. I’ll start by asking both of you what is the biggest problem facing our country today? Vice President Biden…”
Biden: “That seems pretty obvious to me, Steve. The biggest problem facing our country today is the COVID pandemic. Over 180,000 Americans have died due to it; no plan has been set in place to stop the spread of it; and the guy next to me thinks the only way to eradicate it is by stuffing a giant flashlight up your butt.”
Harvey: “Mr. Trump, same question to you.”
Trump: “Sleepy Joe is wrong. Our biggest problem is burning towns in Democrat-controlled cities, like Portland. Old fart Joe has been around 77 years. Portland’s been burning for at least 500 years. You do the math. Portland has always been burning because of Joe Biden.”
Harvey: “According to my records, Portland was founded in 1845, so…”
Trump: “Like I said, 500 years.”
Harvey: “Moving on. When you hear the words ‘Black Lives Matter,’ what do you immediately think? Vice President Biden…”
Biden: “I immediately think, yes, they do.”
Harvey: “Do you care to elaborate?”
Biden: “Black lives matter very much.”
Harvey: “Anything else?”
Biden: “All lives can’t matter until black lives matter.”
Harvey: “Okay, that’s a little better. Mr. President, what do you immediately think when you hear the words ‘Black Lives Matter?’”
Trump: “All lives matter.”
Harvey: “That’s it? Anything else? Here, respond to me. Black Lives Matter!”
Trump: “So do other lives!”
Harvey: “Let’s try something else. Pretend it’s October – the month where we observe breast cancer awareness – and I say, ‘Breast Cancer Awareness Matters,’ what would your response be?”
Trump: “All cancer awarenesses matter!”
Harvey: “Okay, I’m going to give this one more try. COVID precautions matter!”
Trump: “All COVID precautions matter!”
Harvey: “Okay, so segueing from that, what do you feel we can do to stop the spread of COVID-19? Mr. Vice President…”
Biden: “Mandate mask-wearing nationwide; remote-learning for kids across the country; being able to work from home when possible; and listen to our scientists and doctors over businesspeople and tinfoil-hat wearing dummies nicknamed Loony Larry.”
Harvey: “Mr. Trump…”
Trump: “As you know, Steve, many people are saying every move I’ve made with the Jiiina Virus has been the right one, and I agree with these voices 100%. We just need to stay the course: stare at the sun; put flashlights up our butts; drink lots of Clorox; eat poisonous plants; and pray that this will all disappear one day, like a miracle-gro.”
Harvey: “Mr. President, you said on February 26th that there were only 15 cases of COVID in this country and no one would die from it. We’ve now eclipsed 180,000 deaths, so how can you say we should stay the course?”
Trump: “Very carefully. With words. From the lips of my mouth.”
Harvey: “I’m going to try and switch things up here. Say one nice thing about the opposing party. Mr. Biden, I’ll start with you.”
Biden: “I firmly support the voting intentions from members of the Lincoln Project.”
Harvey: “Mr. President…”
Trump: “I think it’s nice that Democrats are weak, socialist, communist, Marxist, terrorist, traitor pansies.”
Harvey: “I said something nice.”
Trump: “I used ‘nice’ in the sentence. Isn’t that enough?”
Harvey: “No. Say one nice thing about Joe Biden.”
Trump: “One nice thing about Joe Biden.”
Harvey: “You know what I mean…”
Trump: “Joe Biden is a good sleeper.”
Harvey: “Screw it. If you’re elected, what will your first priority be come January 20th of next year?”
Biden: “I will make it my #1 priority to take Corona down to Chinatown and form a pandemic response team to better prepare us, should another such virus strike us.”
Trump: “I will order the death penalty for anyone who doesn’t stand during the anthem – either by massage chair or wing squad.”
Harvey: “Whoa, doesn’t that seem a bit harsh to you? What about people watching from home, who aren’t standing? Or people in wheelchairs?”
Trump: “Sucks to be them.”
Harvey: “What if the people in wheelchairs are veterans?”
Trump: “I salute them!”
Harvey: “…and then you kill them?”
Trump: “Yes. Support our troops. America first. Make America great again.”
Harvey: “So you will support our troops by killing our troops?”
Trump: “Yes. You see? This is what Biden’s America looks like.”
Harvey: “Eh, you said it, not Mr. Biden.”
Trump: “Exactly.”
Harvey: “What in the Sam hill are you talking about? Forget it… How do you plan on creating new jobs if you’re elected president? Mr. Biden…”
Biden: “I’m going to invest in clean energy; increase teachers’ pay; raise the minimum wage; close tax loopholes; and raise taxes for those who own more than 17 cars.”
Harvey: “Mr. Trump…”
Trump: “I will pass a communion plate to every person in the country and keep all that money for myself.”
Harvey: “How would that create jobs?”
Trump: “I’ve created more jobs than any human person in the history of the galaxy Earth.”
Harvey: “Earth is a planet and we’ve lost 6 million jobs under you thus far.”
Trump: “Or to put it another way, we gained -6 million jobs. Nobody else can say that.”
Harvey: “I don’t think anybody else would be stupid enough to say that.”
Trump: “Excuse me?”
Harvey: “Moving on. Healthcare. What are you going to do to get the uninsured insured and to lower the costs of premiums and prescription drugs?”
Biden: “Expand on the Affordable Care Act by implementing a public option is the first thing I would do.”
Trump: “I would cover people with pre-existing conditions.”
Harvey: “The Affordable Care Act already does that.”
Trump: “But not Obamacare.”
Harvey: “The Affordable Care Act is Obamacare.”
Trump: “That’s just like your opinion.”
Harvey: “No, it’s not. See this? The actual name of Obamacare is the Affordable Care Act. There is no bill or law called Obamacare.”
Trump: “Whatever. We’re going to take away Obamacare and cover people with pre-existing conditions.”
Harvey: “So you’re going to take away healthcare from people with pre-existing conditions before covering people with pre-existing conditions?”
Trump: “I’m not sure what you’re talking about right there, but yes to the second part.”
Harvey: “Whatever. I’m going to kill two birds with one stone here. Climate-change and guns – where do you stand?”
Biden: “Climate-change is very real, and we must do everything in our power to combat it, or else we’ll be in big trouble. Guns are also real and do bad things too. We need to stop that as well.”
Trump: “People tell me guns are good; climate-change is bad, so the only way we can defeat climate-change is with guns.”
Harvey: “Hold it, hold it… How would we destroy climate-change with guns?”
Trump: “It’s like the NRA always says, ‘Guns don’t kill people; guns kill climate-change.”
Harvey: “That is not what the NRA says. Okay, I’m going to switch things up a bit again. Tell me, what is your biggest flaw. Vice President Biden, we’ll again start with you.”
Biden: “I would say my biggest flaw is sometimes I stick my mouth in my foot.”
Harvey: “That’s a good one. Mr. Trump…”
Trump: “My biggest flaw is that I have perfect hair.”
Harvey: “I said ‘flaw.’”
Trump: “I have the biggest hands this side of Nambia.”
Harvey: “Flaw!”
Trump: “I say this with the most modesty ever, my biggest flaw is I have no flaws.”
Harvey: “Sure, you don’t. Okay, now it’s time for your final thoughts. We flipped a two-headed coin…”
Trump: “I called tails. That coin is rigged! Coin-hunt!”
Harvey: “As I was about to say, the floor is yours, Mr. President.”
Trump: “As your president, I have to say the country has never been in worse shape than it is today, and that’s because of the Vice President of 4-12 years ago, Sleepy Joe Biden. As a man never elected president before, he’s supposed to lead us through all of these protests, riots, and disease thingies. Where was Joe through all this? His basement? If he was a real president, he’d be in his bunker like me, bigly. Do you really think we could take another 4 years of this? Another 4 years of me as your president by electing Joe Biden as your president? What I’m trying to say is Joe Biden is me and I’m Joe Biden. If you elect Joe Biden, you’re electing Donald Trump and if you elect me, you’re electing Joe Biden. So yeah, vote Joe, vote Joe by voting Donald. Let’s make America great again, again.”
Harvey: “Vice President Biden…”
Biden: “Did you listen to that? What in the hell is he talking about? He’s me and I am him? What is this, ‘Face/Off?’ Can you say malarkey? That’s all it was – all of it. I’m Joe Biden and I approve this message.”
Harvey: “…and that’s all the time we have for today. I’d like to thank President Trump, Vice President Biden, and hopefully all of you who decided to socially distance from bullshit at home. Until next time, I’m Steve Harvey. So long.”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, you can check me out on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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