In Week 3 of the NFL season, I learned that...
- ..., if you were in a Western draw; your opponent was the Atlanta Falcons; said opponent fired their bullet early; and it was a millimeter from your face, you'd have him right where you want him.
- ...the question no longer is, "Which came first - the chicken or the egg?" No, the question now is, "Who sucked worst - Sam Darnold or the New York Jets?"
- ...the only thing more offensive than the Washington football team's former nickname would be if they changed it to the Haskins Picks.
- ...you should never wear a white undershirt around Myles Garrett after Labor Day.
- ...the film "Face/Off" was a psychic foreshadowing of what obviously occurred in the off-season between Josh Allen and Carson Wentz.
- ..., following their team's 0-3 start, it's now being rumored that Vikings fans will start referring to their starting quarterback as Kirk Second Cousins.
- ..., after watching the Jets and Giants on Sunday, Frank Sinatra came back to life just to say, "I don't want to be a part of New York anymore."
- ...it's becoming ever apparent most of the fake crowd noise was taken from recordings of girlfriends who didn't find their boyfriends funny, but were trying to be nice.
- ...Adrian Peterson spins so slowly, people often mistake him for Kellyanne Conway with a ball of yarn, after taking some Prozac.
- ..., if Ryan Fitzpatrick's Sam Adams beard and Gardner Minshew's '70s porn mustache had a baby, it'd be a sh*tty Thursday night game they named Primtime.
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