Setting: John Boehner's favorite pub, A-Holes Anonymous
John Boehner: "Alright... Does everyone have their six wise-men shots?"
Eric Cantor: "I thought that was three wise men."
Boehner: "We're just taking those three wise men and squaring that number to six."
Paul Ryan: "Isn't three squared seven, not six?"
Boehner: "Who cares? Since when were we about numbers anyway?"
Ryan: "I care about my P90X numbers!"
Boehner: "Shut up, Ryan! Now let's do those six shots!"
:: they all do the six shots ::
Louie Gohmert: "Holy Issa! Are you sure that was only six? Geez! That's more than I did at my 16th birthday party!"
Darrell Issa: "What did you say? Holy what?"
Gohmert: "Oh yeah. Sorry about that. Instead of saying, 'Holy crap!" I may have mentioned your name instead. My bad..."
Issa: "Alright, well, don't let it happen again! ...or else!
Gohmert: "Or else what?"
Boehner: "Put your sporks down for a second, gentlemen! We're not here to fight with each other! We're here to talk about what we need to do about President Obama."
Issa: "Fine, fine. Hey, Gohmert! You, me, outside the church after this meeting's through!"
Gohmert: "You got it, crap mouth!"
Issa: "What?!?"
Boehner: "Jesus... Anyway, where was I?"
Steve King: "Something about our Tyrant-in-Chief..."
:: laughter all around ::
Boehner: "Ah, yes. Thanks for that, Steve-o. Okay, so I brought you all here today because, let's face it, the president is actually trying to get stuff done, and we can't have that, because it makes us look bad. This is especially troublesome since the mid-term elections are coming up. So, we need to find a way to continue not doing anything so that we can point at and blame Obama for not getting much done, but we also have to make sure he doesn't try to do anything either. Any ideas on how we do that?"
Issa: "Benghazi!"
Boehner: "Benghazi has been dead for a long time now, crap mouth - I mean, Issa. Sorry, that seriously just slipped. It's the alcohol talking. Does anyone else have an idea?"
Ryan: "He and I could compete in a weight-lifting contest!"
Boehner: "Jesus... Get over yourself, frat boy. Sorry, again. Those wise men sure are making me say the darnedest of things. Anyone else have an idea?"
Steve King: "We could try repealing Obamacare again!"
Boehner: "We've done that how many times already? I've seriously lost track. Is it up to four or five now?"
Cantor: "I actually think it's in the 40s or 50s."
Boehner: "No way! What are you, a liberal or something? No wonder you lost your primary! Any other suggestions? Come on, people! We're getting toward crunch-time. We need to win the mid-terms, and the next presidential election! For once in your lives, think!"
Steve Stockman: "How about just suing the commie-Muslim-Kenyan-socialist-Marxist?"
Boehner: "Thanks for joining the conversation. Did you just wake up or something?"
Stockman: "Yeah, those wise whatevers did me in for a few."
Boehner: "Yes, so we noticed. Whatever the case, though, that may just work. Who's in favor of suing President Obama?"
:: all of them raise their hands ::
Boehner: "Then it's settled. In order to try and get President Obama to stop getting stuff done while we do nothing at all, we're going to sue him. It might not work, but then again, what have we ever done that has worked, you know?"
:: lots of laughter ::
Boehner: "Yeah, love us or hate us, we sure know how to party, don't we? Oh, speaking of which, just so you all know, three of those wise-men shots were Dr. Pepper, Coke Zero, and Clearly Canadian. They all looked just like whiskey, though, didn't they?"
In other news, these citizens have made the following comments in response to House Republicans suing President Obama:
"I'm suing John Boehner for identity theft!" - the Syracuse Orange mascot
"I'm suing Michele Bachmann for being way too creepy!" - Linda Blair
"I'm suing Paul Ryan for thinking he's cooler than he actually is!" - Justin Bieber
"I'm suing Steve Stockman because he's just so fricking stupid!" - Forrest Gump
"We're suing the House Republicans for not doing anything while in office!" - Voters everywhere
John Boehner: "Alright... Does everyone have their six wise-men shots?"
Eric Cantor: "I thought that was three wise men."
Boehner: "We're just taking those three wise men and squaring that number to six."
Paul Ryan: "Isn't three squared seven, not six?"
Boehner: "Who cares? Since when were we about numbers anyway?"
Ryan: "I care about my P90X numbers!"
Boehner: "Shut up, Ryan! Now let's do those six shots!"
:: they all do the six shots ::
Louie Gohmert: "Holy Issa! Are you sure that was only six? Geez! That's more than I did at my 16th birthday party!"
Darrell Issa: "What did you say? Holy what?"
Gohmert: "Oh yeah. Sorry about that. Instead of saying, 'Holy crap!" I may have mentioned your name instead. My bad..."
Issa: "Alright, well, don't let it happen again! ...or else!
Gohmert: "Or else what?"
Boehner: "Put your sporks down for a second, gentlemen! We're not here to fight with each other! We're here to talk about what we need to do about President Obama."
Issa: "Fine, fine. Hey, Gohmert! You, me, outside the church after this meeting's through!"
Gohmert: "You got it, crap mouth!"
Issa: "What?!?"
Boehner: "Jesus... Anyway, where was I?"
Steve King: "Something about our Tyrant-in-Chief..."
:: laughter all around ::
Boehner: "Ah, yes. Thanks for that, Steve-o. Okay, so I brought you all here today because, let's face it, the president is actually trying to get stuff done, and we can't have that, because it makes us look bad. This is especially troublesome since the mid-term elections are coming up. So, we need to find a way to continue not doing anything so that we can point at and blame Obama for not getting much done, but we also have to make sure he doesn't try to do anything either. Any ideas on how we do that?"
Issa: "Benghazi!"
Boehner: "Benghazi has been dead for a long time now, crap mouth - I mean, Issa. Sorry, that seriously just slipped. It's the alcohol talking. Does anyone else have an idea?"
Ryan: "He and I could compete in a weight-lifting contest!"
Boehner: "Jesus... Get over yourself, frat boy. Sorry, again. Those wise men sure are making me say the darnedest of things. Anyone else have an idea?"
Steve King: "We could try repealing Obamacare again!"
Boehner: "We've done that how many times already? I've seriously lost track. Is it up to four or five now?"
Cantor: "I actually think it's in the 40s or 50s."
Boehner: "No way! What are you, a liberal or something? No wonder you lost your primary! Any other suggestions? Come on, people! We're getting toward crunch-time. We need to win the mid-terms, and the next presidential election! For once in your lives, think!"
Steve Stockman: "How about just suing the commie-Muslim-Kenyan-socialist-Marxist?"
Boehner: "Thanks for joining the conversation. Did you just wake up or something?"
Stockman: "Yeah, those wise whatevers did me in for a few."
Boehner: "Yes, so we noticed. Whatever the case, though, that may just work. Who's in favor of suing President Obama?"
:: all of them raise their hands ::
Boehner: "Then it's settled. In order to try and get President Obama to stop getting stuff done while we do nothing at all, we're going to sue him. It might not work, but then again, what have we ever done that has worked, you know?"
:: lots of laughter ::
Boehner: "Yeah, love us or hate us, we sure know how to party, don't we? Oh, speaking of which, just so you all know, three of those wise-men shots were Dr. Pepper, Coke Zero, and Clearly Canadian. They all looked just like whiskey, though, didn't they?"
In other news, these citizens have made the following comments in response to House Republicans suing President Obama:
"I'm suing John Boehner for identity theft!" - the Syracuse Orange mascot
"I'm suing Michele Bachmann for being way too creepy!" - Linda Blair
"I'm suing Paul Ryan for thinking he's cooler than he actually is!" - Justin Bieber
"I'm suing Steve Stockman because he's just so fricking stupid!" - Forrest Gump
"We're suing the House Republicans for not doing anything while in office!" - Voters everywhere
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