I'm not sure what the deal is exactly, but I can't tell you how many articles I've read or rants I've heard lately regarding the "nice guy."
These rants typically include the following statements:
- "'Nice guys' aren't really that nice!"
- "What's the big deal about nice guys being nice? Isn't everyone nice? They're just doing things all guys do, but not all guys talk about it like they do!"
- "These 'nice guys' are simply sexists looking for an excuse to blame women for their problems!"
- "Look, nice guys - she's not into you because you're a loser, because you're ugly, and because, did I mention you're a loser? It's not because you're nice, so get over it!"
Yes, it appears as if a fairly decent sized segment of the population is anti-"nice guy." They feel these "nice guys" are either fake, weak, or a bit of both. So, what's the deal here exactly?
The basic story goes like this. Many people whom label themselves as "nice guys" (or nice women) have felt, at one time or another, they've been friend-zoned by a person they had feelings for, whom went on to date a jerk. Here are my thoughts on the whole thing.
First off, friend-zoning does exist. It's not the worst thing in the world. There are many worse things than being a friend to someone you care about. However, if a person starts developing stronger feelings for another, who has friend-zoned them, it can be incredibly difficult to progress the relationship to where he or she would like. It's not all about physical attraction either. I've had female friends before, whom I felt were attractive, yet our relationship reached such a stage where we kind of felt like brother and sister and it would have felt extremely odd and even wrong to have started dating. In other words, we friend-zoned each other. When the friend-zoning is mutual, the relationship should be able to roll merrily along. However, when it's one-sided, that's when trouble can start brewing.
Secondly, I heard one guy rant that, "If a nice guy was truly nice, he wouldn't try to act like a friend to a woman in order to get in her pants. That's not nice. If you're acting like a friend, why not be, you know, a friend? That's fake nice right there."
If the ranter were 100% correct, then I'd fully agree with him. However, he's not. Many people don't immediately garner feelings for another person. They may feel a sense of attraction or lust at first, but if they start getting to know the person and build a friendship with them, they tend to start seeing the person as a true friend and not someone they immediately drooled over when first seeing them. However, even if the person initially sees another as just a friend, stronger feelings can develop for him or her. This happened to me several years ago. While I, at first, found the woman attractive, I had absolutely no interest in her beyond a friendship. However, down the line a ways, I started garnering stronger feelings for her. Also, maybe I'm strange, but not all guys want to have sex with every attractive woman they see. I didn't grow stronger feelings for the before-mentioned woman in hopes of getting in her pants. I grew stronger feelings because I got to know her better and hoped to take her out sometime. These kinds of things commonly happen. The more we get to know someone, the more certain we'll be on how we feel about him or her.
One problem is that some "nice guys" aren't as nice as they label themselves to be, and another problem is the not so nice guys like to point to such men and say, "You see? They're just as bad as we are! All they want you for is sex!" The main problem, though, I think is that, for multiple reasons, it's often times difficult for nice men and nice women to showcase they're interested in a person without being too obvious, and it's often times difficult for them (us) to read others' flirtations and interests.
While I think it's often times true that young adult women like the bad-boy type, like a challenge, like a certain risk (rebellion), and fear losing their "nice guy" friends if they were to start dating them, I also believe that most of them grow out of that stage when they're ready to settle down. However, the biggest problem with regard to nice people of both sexes is accurately reading others' interests and showcasing their own. If a nice man and nice woman are friends, chances are, even if there's a certain attraction and chemistry present, neither one wants to potentially damage the friendship, so they tend to reserve those feelings. In their minds, they think, "Well, if I tell him/her I like them as more than a friend and they don't feel the same, then that could make things really awkward. If they do feel the same, though, and things don't work out, that could be the end of the friendship. With those options, I think I might as well continue to hide these feelings." Even if they want to garner a slight hint of whether or not their feelings are reciprocated by trying to flirt with the other person, the clues are typically so subtle, not even God could pick up on them, so they then feel rejected and decide not to open up more. That may not be the case at all, though. Nice people tend to come across as friends to most everyone. If they flirt, the other may say, "Oh, he was just being nice. He's so sweet." On the other side of things, if another flirts with him, he'll probably think the same thing - "She was just being nice. She's always nice."
Perhaps it partially has to do with a fear of rejection or the fear of losing a friendship, but often times, these "nice" people showcase themselves as friends and see other people in such a manner as well. I think this is often times why both nice men and women wind up with jerks. Maybe part of them does want a challenge and to try and mold a bad-boy/girl into what they envision the person being. However, another part of them probably feels that those "nice" people won't step forward and show the necessary interest to potentially move the relationship forward, so they have to make the best of the options they've been given.
These rants typically include the following statements:
- "'Nice guys' aren't really that nice!"
- "What's the big deal about nice guys being nice? Isn't everyone nice? They're just doing things all guys do, but not all guys talk about it like they do!"
- "These 'nice guys' are simply sexists looking for an excuse to blame women for their problems!"
- "Look, nice guys - she's not into you because you're a loser, because you're ugly, and because, did I mention you're a loser? It's not because you're nice, so get over it!"
Yes, it appears as if a fairly decent sized segment of the population is anti-"nice guy." They feel these "nice guys" are either fake, weak, or a bit of both. So, what's the deal here exactly?
The basic story goes like this. Many people whom label themselves as "nice guys" (or nice women) have felt, at one time or another, they've been friend-zoned by a person they had feelings for, whom went on to date a jerk. Here are my thoughts on the whole thing.
First off, friend-zoning does exist. It's not the worst thing in the world. There are many worse things than being a friend to someone you care about. However, if a person starts developing stronger feelings for another, who has friend-zoned them, it can be incredibly difficult to progress the relationship to where he or she would like. It's not all about physical attraction either. I've had female friends before, whom I felt were attractive, yet our relationship reached such a stage where we kind of felt like brother and sister and it would have felt extremely odd and even wrong to have started dating. In other words, we friend-zoned each other. When the friend-zoning is mutual, the relationship should be able to roll merrily along. However, when it's one-sided, that's when trouble can start brewing.
Secondly, I heard one guy rant that, "If a nice guy was truly nice, he wouldn't try to act like a friend to a woman in order to get in her pants. That's not nice. If you're acting like a friend, why not be, you know, a friend? That's fake nice right there."
If the ranter were 100% correct, then I'd fully agree with him. However, he's not. Many people don't immediately garner feelings for another person. They may feel a sense of attraction or lust at first, but if they start getting to know the person and build a friendship with them, they tend to start seeing the person as a true friend and not someone they immediately drooled over when first seeing them. However, even if the person initially sees another as just a friend, stronger feelings can develop for him or her. This happened to me several years ago. While I, at first, found the woman attractive, I had absolutely no interest in her beyond a friendship. However, down the line a ways, I started garnering stronger feelings for her. Also, maybe I'm strange, but not all guys want to have sex with every attractive woman they see. I didn't grow stronger feelings for the before-mentioned woman in hopes of getting in her pants. I grew stronger feelings because I got to know her better and hoped to take her out sometime. These kinds of things commonly happen. The more we get to know someone, the more certain we'll be on how we feel about him or her.
One problem is that some "nice guys" aren't as nice as they label themselves to be, and another problem is the not so nice guys like to point to such men and say, "You see? They're just as bad as we are! All they want you for is sex!" The main problem, though, I think is that, for multiple reasons, it's often times difficult for nice men and nice women to showcase they're interested in a person without being too obvious, and it's often times difficult for them (us) to read others' flirtations and interests.
While I think it's often times true that young adult women like the bad-boy type, like a challenge, like a certain risk (rebellion), and fear losing their "nice guy" friends if they were to start dating them, I also believe that most of them grow out of that stage when they're ready to settle down. However, the biggest problem with regard to nice people of both sexes is accurately reading others' interests and showcasing their own. If a nice man and nice woman are friends, chances are, even if there's a certain attraction and chemistry present, neither one wants to potentially damage the friendship, so they tend to reserve those feelings. In their minds, they think, "Well, if I tell him/her I like them as more than a friend and they don't feel the same, then that could make things really awkward. If they do feel the same, though, and things don't work out, that could be the end of the friendship. With those options, I think I might as well continue to hide these feelings." Even if they want to garner a slight hint of whether or not their feelings are reciprocated by trying to flirt with the other person, the clues are typically so subtle, not even God could pick up on them, so they then feel rejected and decide not to open up more. That may not be the case at all, though. Nice people tend to come across as friends to most everyone. If they flirt, the other may say, "Oh, he was just being nice. He's so sweet." On the other side of things, if another flirts with him, he'll probably think the same thing - "She was just being nice. She's always nice."
Perhaps it partially has to do with a fear of rejection or the fear of losing a friendship, but often times, these "nice" people showcase themselves as friends and see other people in such a manner as well. I think this is often times why both nice men and women wind up with jerks. Maybe part of them does want a challenge and to try and mold a bad-boy/girl into what they envision the person being. However, another part of them probably feels that those "nice" people won't step forward and show the necessary interest to potentially move the relationship forward, so they have to make the best of the options they've been given.
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