In the first installment of an inevitably never-ending series, here's my Democratic Candidate Countdown.
23) (tie) Mike Gravel: Never heard of him? There's a reason why. Not only does the guy have less of a chance winning the Democratic nomination than Rip Torn has of winning a sexiest-man-alive competition, the guy will be turning 89 next month. He was born just a half-year after the Great Depression started! Now, having said all that, I wouldn't be against him playing the role of a heckler at Democratic debates, where he waltzed up to candidates whom were speaking and hit them with a walker in order to speed up their answers, but I digress...
23) (tie) Marianne Williamson: Ever want to see a 66-year-old hippie win the presidency? If so, Marianne Williamson is your guy! Well, person... If The Dude were a female politician, he'd be Marianne Williamson. Just saying'...
22) Tim Ryan: To think Sherrod Brown was going to be the big name coming out of Ohio. Not so fast, my friends! While Brown opted to not run for the highest office in the land, the one and only Tim Ryan did so! Check that... Considering Tim is the 27th most common boy's first name and Ryan is the 203rd most common last name in the country, there may be one or two other Tim Ryans out there. In any case, who was I talking about again? Exactly...
21) John Hickenlooper: This guy is such a centrist, when he calls a pizza shop, he orders, "The middle of pepperonis on the middle of a pizza slice. Just the middle of the slice. You can give the sides to someone else." Not only that, can you imagine hearing someone announcing over a mic, "...and here he is, President Hickenlooper!" Me neither...
20) Wayne Messam: If not for Cory Booker, Messam would be the only black male candidate in the race. Unlike Cory Booker, however, no one outside of Florida seems to have heard of this Messam character. No, you weren't alone.
19) Andrew Yang: The only real time I saw this guy's name in a headline was when he announced opposition to circumcision. I can see the bumper-stickers now: "Vote No Slang Wang Yang!"
18) Seth Moulton: When it comes to charisma, the guy is like the antithesis of Barack Obama. Try envisioning Obama's hope-and-change message coming out of Ben Stein's mouth. That's Seth Moulton.
17) Tulsi Gabbard: If this were a beauty contest, Ms. Gabbard would likely be the victor, but as Donald Trump is undeniable proof, a little more goes into selecting a party's nominee. Just a little. Why in the world was Donald Trump selected again? Wait, where was I? Whatever, moving on...
16) Jay Inslee: If we all resided in Oppositeville (only Trumpsters do for the time being), Jay Inslee were a Republican, and Republicans' top issue was fighting climate-change, the Washington governor may have a chance. Until that time, though...
15) Michael Bennet: Here's the 22nd Democrat who announced they'd run for president. With there being 23 candidates, that gives Bennet a 4.3% chance of winning the party's nomination. Subtract 4.3% and you'd probably be a little closer to reality.
14) John Delaney: Another centrist Democrat. He's Hickenlooper with a personality. Yeah, try placing that on the back of a jersey!
13) Bill de Blasio: He may be Andre the Giant in stature, but he's like the 8th dwarf in a Snow White film in terms of presidential odds.
12) Steve Bullock: If only this were Sandra Bullock, he might actually have a chance...
11) Beto O'Rourke: I don't get all the hype surrounding this guy. When's the last time he won anything? ...and what's the deal with his constant movements while talking? The guys hands and arms are like the head of a bobblehead when he really gets going. If a charismatic puppet who's controlled by a puppeteer on speed is your thing, vote O'Rourke!
10) Julian Castro: Castro puts for a very Obama-like message, but the guy is a bit too careful with his words. In a debate with Trump, due to Castro's tendency to overthink and Trump's tendency to speak without thinking, The Donald would likely wind up debating himself. Then again, with all of his constantly shifting positions, I guess he does that anyway.
9) Eric Swalwell: If the nomination were determined by MSNBC invites, Swalwell would dominate the competition. Last I checked, though, that's not how winners are determined. They still aren't, right? Right? I'm seriously asking...
8) Kirsten Gillibrand: She may be personable, but I really think her past stance on guns will all but doom her in the end. I do hope to witness her yell on the debate stage at least once, though. Even when raising her voice at all, she comes across like a librarian telling someone to quiet down. Come on, Kirsten, it's time to present the world with your Howard Beale moment! Do it! Do it! Do it!
7) Amy Klobuchar: When you combine Midwest with sassy, you get Amy Klobuchar. Seriously, if she is at a drive-thru and is running late, I can picture her telling the employee, "Can we hurry it the f*ck up, please?!? Thanks."
6) Bernie Sanders: Bernie is like that old neighbor who continually yells at kids to get off his lawn, only he speaks in more political terms, where he screams things like, "Don't give tax cuts to the top 2%!" and "Health insurance companies are crooks!"
5) Joe Biden: Why does Uncle Joe have to be so frickin' likeable? Following this guy around is like following around Larry David on an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, only a more likeable Larry David - no offense to Larry David...
4) Pete Buttigieg: Whoever this guy's marketing strategist is, yeah, I want him/her on my team! Overnight, this guy went from "Who the hell is Mayor Pete?!?" to "To hell with Mayor Pete! We want President Pete!"
3) Elizabeth Warren: She may be the only candidate to have provided specific ideas to the people. Trump can nickname her Pocahontas all he wants. She has more brains in the nail of her right pinky finger than he's ever possessed throughout his entire blimp of a body.
2) Cory Booker: Warren may wind up surpassing Booker for me, because she has more of a fighter's attitude about her, but for the time being, Booker is my #2. If any candidate reminds me of President Obama, it's Cory Booker. The guy is always so positive, hopeful, and wants to bring everyone together and smoke a bong or something. I don't know exactly, but it sounds like a grand ol' time.
1) Kamala Harris: Harris is like a hybrid of Obama and Klobuchar. She's incredibly bright, innovative, and inspiring, yet she's got a nasty side to her as well. Especially with her background in law, I would LOVE to see her on the debate stage with Trump. I picture her giving a strong, attorney-like rundown on a particular position and then walking right up to Drumpf and knocking the crap out of him. Hey, a guy can dream, can't he?
In all seriousness, I'd take any, and I mean ANY of these candidates over Donald Trump in the 2020 presidential election. Snarkiness aside, whoever winds up becoming the Democratic nominee, they can rest assured he or she will have my vote, "bigly!"
23) (tie) Mike Gravel: Never heard of him? There's a reason why. Not only does the guy have less of a chance winning the Democratic nomination than Rip Torn has of winning a sexiest-man-alive competition, the guy will be turning 89 next month. He was born just a half-year after the Great Depression started! Now, having said all that, I wouldn't be against him playing the role of a heckler at Democratic debates, where he waltzed up to candidates whom were speaking and hit them with a walker in order to speed up their answers, but I digress...
23) (tie) Marianne Williamson: Ever want to see a 66-year-old hippie win the presidency? If so, Marianne Williamson is your guy! Well, person... If The Dude were a female politician, he'd be Marianne Williamson. Just saying'...
22) Tim Ryan: To think Sherrod Brown was going to be the big name coming out of Ohio. Not so fast, my friends! While Brown opted to not run for the highest office in the land, the one and only Tim Ryan did so! Check that... Considering Tim is the 27th most common boy's first name and Ryan is the 203rd most common last name in the country, there may be one or two other Tim Ryans out there. In any case, who was I talking about again? Exactly...
21) John Hickenlooper: This guy is such a centrist, when he calls a pizza shop, he orders, "The middle of pepperonis on the middle of a pizza slice. Just the middle of the slice. You can give the sides to someone else." Not only that, can you imagine hearing someone announcing over a mic, "...and here he is, President Hickenlooper!" Me neither...
20) Wayne Messam: If not for Cory Booker, Messam would be the only black male candidate in the race. Unlike Cory Booker, however, no one outside of Florida seems to have heard of this Messam character. No, you weren't alone.
19) Andrew Yang: The only real time I saw this guy's name in a headline was when he announced opposition to circumcision. I can see the bumper-stickers now: "Vote No Slang Wang Yang!"
18) Seth Moulton: When it comes to charisma, the guy is like the antithesis of Barack Obama. Try envisioning Obama's hope-and-change message coming out of Ben Stein's mouth. That's Seth Moulton.
17) Tulsi Gabbard: If this were a beauty contest, Ms. Gabbard would likely be the victor, but as Donald Trump is undeniable proof, a little more goes into selecting a party's nominee. Just a little. Why in the world was Donald Trump selected again? Wait, where was I? Whatever, moving on...
16) Jay Inslee: If we all resided in Oppositeville (only Trumpsters do for the time being), Jay Inslee were a Republican, and Republicans' top issue was fighting climate-change, the Washington governor may have a chance. Until that time, though...
15) Michael Bennet: Here's the 22nd Democrat who announced they'd run for president. With there being 23 candidates, that gives Bennet a 4.3% chance of winning the party's nomination. Subtract 4.3% and you'd probably be a little closer to reality.
14) John Delaney: Another centrist Democrat. He's Hickenlooper with a personality. Yeah, try placing that on the back of a jersey!
13) Bill de Blasio: He may be Andre the Giant in stature, but he's like the 8th dwarf in a Snow White film in terms of presidential odds.
12) Steve Bullock: If only this were Sandra Bullock, he might actually have a chance...
11) Beto O'Rourke: I don't get all the hype surrounding this guy. When's the last time he won anything? ...and what's the deal with his constant movements while talking? The guys hands and arms are like the head of a bobblehead when he really gets going. If a charismatic puppet who's controlled by a puppeteer on speed is your thing, vote O'Rourke!
10) Julian Castro: Castro puts for a very Obama-like message, but the guy is a bit too careful with his words. In a debate with Trump, due to Castro's tendency to overthink and Trump's tendency to speak without thinking, The Donald would likely wind up debating himself. Then again, with all of his constantly shifting positions, I guess he does that anyway.
9) Eric Swalwell: If the nomination were determined by MSNBC invites, Swalwell would dominate the competition. Last I checked, though, that's not how winners are determined. They still aren't, right? Right? I'm seriously asking...
8) Kirsten Gillibrand: She may be personable, but I really think her past stance on guns will all but doom her in the end. I do hope to witness her yell on the debate stage at least once, though. Even when raising her voice at all, she comes across like a librarian telling someone to quiet down. Come on, Kirsten, it's time to present the world with your Howard Beale moment! Do it! Do it! Do it!
7) Amy Klobuchar: When you combine Midwest with sassy, you get Amy Klobuchar. Seriously, if she is at a drive-thru and is running late, I can picture her telling the employee, "Can we hurry it the f*ck up, please?!? Thanks."
6) Bernie Sanders: Bernie is like that old neighbor who continually yells at kids to get off his lawn, only he speaks in more political terms, where he screams things like, "Don't give tax cuts to the top 2%!" and "Health insurance companies are crooks!"
5) Joe Biden: Why does Uncle Joe have to be so frickin' likeable? Following this guy around is like following around Larry David on an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, only a more likeable Larry David - no offense to Larry David...
4) Pete Buttigieg: Whoever this guy's marketing strategist is, yeah, I want him/her on my team! Overnight, this guy went from "Who the hell is Mayor Pete?!?" to "To hell with Mayor Pete! We want President Pete!"
3) Elizabeth Warren: She may be the only candidate to have provided specific ideas to the people. Trump can nickname her Pocahontas all he wants. She has more brains in the nail of her right pinky finger than he's ever possessed throughout his entire blimp of a body.
2) Cory Booker: Warren may wind up surpassing Booker for me, because she has more of a fighter's attitude about her, but for the time being, Booker is my #2. If any candidate reminds me of President Obama, it's Cory Booker. The guy is always so positive, hopeful, and wants to bring everyone together and smoke a bong or something. I don't know exactly, but it sounds like a grand ol' time.
1) Kamala Harris: Harris is like a hybrid of Obama and Klobuchar. She's incredibly bright, innovative, and inspiring, yet she's got a nasty side to her as well. Especially with her background in law, I would LOVE to see her on the debate stage with Trump. I picture her giving a strong, attorney-like rundown on a particular position and then walking right up to Drumpf and knocking the crap out of him. Hey, a guy can dream, can't he?
In all seriousness, I'd take any, and I mean ANY of these candidates over Donald Trump in the 2020 presidential election. Snarkiness aside, whoever winds up becoming the Democratic nominee, they can rest assured he or she will have my vote, "bigly!"
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