The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

In Week 17 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ...Bill Belichick has proven that the combination of a hoodie and television can add 80 lbs. - ...the only way the recently fired Browns coach could fare worse in Kitchens than as an NFL head coach is if he burned down the restaurant. Twice. - ...Ryan Tannehill is the best thing to happen to Tennessee since sliced bread, a pickle, and hot chicken. - ...there's just a 1 in 5 chance the Raiders will work out in Vegas. - ...the Eagles will head into the postseason with busted wings, a missing beak, and nothing but deflated balls in their nest. - ..., after finishing the season with 33 touchdown passes and 30 interceptions, don't be surprised to see a Lifetime movie about Jameis Winston called, "Jackal & Hype." - ...the Lions are worse than the Pistons, yet better than both the Tigers and Red Wings. Thank God alcohol and medicinal marijuana are legal in Detroit! - ...Christian McCaffrey and Saquon Barkl...

My latest book, Trumplandia , is now available for your Kindle at just $2.99! Let's make satirizing 'Murica great again! For more information on this very book and how to purchase it (and write a positive review), go to the following link. Enjoy! https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07QTDTRMK/ref=sr_1_5?keywords=trumplandia&qid=1555545368&s=gateway&sr=8-5

I just received a comment on episode 24 of my podcast ( I Feel Snitty ), entitled, "'Irregardless' of What Doug Collins Wants to Believe, Donald Trump Has Been Impeached." The listener wrote: - "Accurate summary of the impeachment hearings! Ha!" The episode can be found and heard here:  https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/irregardless-of-what-doug-collins-wants-to-believe-donald-trump-has-been-impeached/

I just received the following comment on episode 24 of my podcast ( I Feel Snitty ), entitled, "'Irregardless' of What Doug Collins Wants to Believe, Donald Trump Has Been Impeached." He wrote: - “'If you smelt it, you dealt it.' Man, I was rolling on this one. I got to listen to it during my drive to Mississippi. Have a Merry Christmas and I look forward to more of this in 2020!" You can listen to the entire episode by going to this link:  https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/irregardless-of-what-doug-collins-wants-to-believe-donald-trump-has-been-impeached/

I just received a comment on episode 23 of my podcast ( I Feel Snitty ), entitled, "Defending the Indefensible." The listener wrote: - "You spoof Trump and the GOP very well!" You can check out the episode here:  https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/defending-the-indefensible-1576642909/

In Week 16 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ...Santa Claus shall now be called Jameis Winston. - ...the 49ers' defense is so banged up, they're now referred to as just "fen." - ..., until now, no Super Bowl favorite was ever as impressive as the 6-9 Browns. - ..., with the way they've been playing, Dallas will now be either the "Cows" or the "Boys," but definitely not the Cowboys. - ..., if they were to run for office and last weekend was any indication, the Cincinnati Bengals' slogan would be, "Make Losing Exciting Again" (MLEA). - ...the Detroit Lions have less bite than a comatose hamster named Sir Sucks-a-Lot. - ..., when Devlin Hodges and Mason Rudolph can't save you, that's when you become an atheist - that or just a disgruntled Steelers fan. - ...Kirk Cousins without Dalvin Cook is like Marilyn without Manson. - ..., due to how bad the Carolina Panthers have been, Cam Newton is contemplating ...

Podcast: "I Feel Snitty" Episode 24: “'Irregardless’ of What Doug Collins Wants to Believe, Donald Trump Has Been Impeached” Premiere Date: 12/21/19 Length: 15:40 (2,424 words) Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/irregardless-of-what-doug-collins-wants-to-believe-donald-trump-has-been-impeached/ Transcript: Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 24, entitled, “’Irregardless’ of What Doug Collins Wants to Believe, Donald Trump Has Been Impeached.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki. Well, that’s it. We did it. This past week, Donald J. Trump became just the third president in US history to get impeached. Who knows where this goes from here. Senate Majority Leader and turtle scrotum stunt-double - Mitch McConnell - has basically said there won’t be any witnesses during the trial. That’s pretty rich coming from a leader of the party who’s been complaining about an unfair process more than Rush Limbaugh complains about drug prices. Also, if you listened to the House ...

The latest episode of my podcast ( I Feel Snitty ), entitled, “'Irregardless’ of What Doug Collins Wants to Believe, Donald Trump Has Been Impeached,” is now available! Here's a brief description of it: Donald Trump has been impeached. In case you missed out on the 6+ hours of debate preceding the vote, here is my condensed, satirical version of it. Enjoy, and happy holidays! It can be heard here:  https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/irregardless-of-what-doug-collins-wants-to-believe-donald-trump-has-been-impeached/

Due to some tweets I posted during yesterday's impeachment debate, I got mentioned on the following sites: https://www.alternet.org/2019/12/complete-lunatics-pro-trump-congressman-accused-of-blasphemy-after-comparing-trump-to-jesus-christ/ https://www.rawstory.com/2019/12/thats-blasphemy-gops-barry-loudermilk-blasted-as-a-complete-lunatic-for-comparing-trump-to-jesus-christ/ https://www.blue-politics.com/2019/12/18/georgia-rep-barry-loudermilk-compares-donald-trump-to-jesus-likens-congress-to-pontius-pilate/ https://www.rawstory.com/2019/12/gops-debbie-lesko-raked-over-the-coals-for-whining-impeachment-tearing-families-apart/ https://politizoom.com/2019/12/18/religious-wingnuts-chime-in-on-impeachment-pilate-afforded-more-rights-to-jesus-then-dems-have-given-trump/ https://theguardiansofdemocracy.com/gop-lawmaker-says-trump-impeachment-worse-than-jesus-crucifixion-jesus-had-more-rights-than-trump/ If you want to check out any of my other tweets, you may do so here:  h...

I just received the following comment on episode 22 of my podcast, "Crazy Collins, Constipated Castor, and Turkey Turley": - "'A nipple with two cows.' Haha! Hilarious! I knew this one would be a gem. Also, your Collins impression was funny. So funny to hear you speak with a southern accent." You can listen to the full episode here:  https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/crazy-collins-constipated-castor-and-turkey-turley/

I just received a new comment on episode 21 of my podcast, "A Donald Trump Thanksgiving": - "So Trumpensteinish! ...You nailed it!" You can listen to the episode at this link:  https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/a-donald-trump-thanksgiving/

Podcast: "I Feel Snitty" Episode 23: "Defending the Indefensible" Premiere Date: 12/17/19 Length: 21:53 (3,596 words) Link:  https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/defending-the-indefensible-1576642909/ Transcript: Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 23, entitled, “Defending the Indefensible.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki. Last week, the House Judiciary Committee voted 23-17 in favor of sending two articles of impeachment against Donald Trump to the House floor this week. The two articles charge that Trump committed an abuse of power and an obstruction of Congress, and will likely be voted on tomorrow. If the Democratic-led House votes to impeach Trump, we’ll then move on to the Senate jury, where a two-thirds vote would be needed to remove Trump from office. As Republicans hold a 53-47 majority in the Senate, that’s highly unlikely, but since just a simple majority is needed for impeachment in the House and Democrats control that chamber of Congress, it is...

The latest episode of my podcast ( I Feel Snitty ), entitled, "Defending the Indefensible," is now available! Here's a brief description of it: In this episode, I snarkily dissect fifteen arguments which were posed by Republican House Judiciary Committee members last week, on the eve of the inevitable impeachment of Donald Trump. Oh, and there's also a top ten list and two polls of the week, including one about what has been termed "Toilet Gate." Listen to, don't flush this episode, "Defending the Indefensible." You can listen to the episode at this link:  https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/defending-the-indefensible-1576642909/

With all that's been going over the course of the past month, the impeachment hearings in particular, I had a great deal of fun in the world of Twitter trending-hashtags. Here are my posts, ordered from the most to the least popular (all my tweets can be seen here -  https://twitter.com/CraigRozniecki ): 1) Gaetz: "A person doesn't typically just cheat once. They cheat over and over and over again." Thank you for quickly summing up the life of one Donald Trump. #impeachmentDebate #ImpeachAndConvict 1.4K Likes, 441 Retweets 2) Jim Jordan should have yelled like that when he saw boys getting sexually abused. What a liar, traitor, and coward. #ImpeachmentHearing 1.1K Likes, 371 Retweets 3) GOP: "Never has a president been treated so unfairly as Trump!" Oh, really? - "Our #1 goal is to make Obama a 1-term president." - "Was he born here? Where's his birth certificate?" - "Is he Muslim?" - "Does he hate Am...

In Week 15 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ...the old saying should be altered from "If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen!" to "If you can't coach in the rain, cold, or heat, you're probably Freddie Kitchens!" - ...the Cincinnati Bengals have become the Jerry Springer Show of the NFL, as no matter how bad you think you have it, watching them makes you feel a whole hell of a lot better about yourself and life. - ...Oakland's final game at The Black Hole was, as Cher Horowitz would say, "Like so Raiders! Fer shure! OMG!" - ..., if this whole coaching thing doesn't work out, Mike Vrabel will inevitably star in the new reality show, What the Hell Do You Want? Mike Vrabel's Adventures in Speed-Dating . - ..., with his moves, it's only a matter of time before Lamar Jackson moonwalks into the end zone. The touchdown celebration will then, of course, be the "Thriller" dance. - ..., if the Char...

Podcast: "I Feel Snitty" Episode 22: "Crazy Collins, Constipated Castor, and Turkey Turley" Premiere Date: 12/11/19 Length: 10:19 (1,704 words) Link:  https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/crazy-collins-constipated-castor-and-turkey-turley/ Transcript: Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 22, entitled, “Crazy Collins, Constipated Castor, and Turkey Turley.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki. Over the past week, we’ve been subject to multiple House Judiciary Committee hearings. It started with four constitutional lawyer witnesses, in Noah Feldman, Michael Gerhardt, and Pamela Karlan, who were called by the Democratic majority. The only such individual called by the Republican minority was one Jonathan Turley. This week, GOP counsel Stephen Castor and Democratic counsel Daniel Goldman testified. Before I delve into my skit version of the hearings, I’ll try to provide a condensed summary of the proceedings. Democrats treated the events as impeachment hearings. Re...

The latest episode of my podcast ( I Feel Snitty ), entitled, "Crazy Collins, Constipated Castor, and Turkey Turley," is now available! Here's a brief description of it: Did you fall asleep during the House Judiciary Committee hearings over the past week? Throw a remote at the television due to the anger it provoked? Roll your eyes more than Linda Blair when watching Hallmark Christmas movies? If you answered yes to any of these questions, be sure to check out this episode, where I satirize the hearings in an SNL-esque fashion. It'll be good ol' fashioned holiday fun for the whole family, unless your family has the surname of Trump. You can hear the episode at this link:  https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/crazy-collins-constipated-castor-and-turkey-turley/

In Week 14 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ..., if feeling sorry for the New England Patriots getting hosed by the refs were a Democratic candidate, it'd be polling behind Bill De Blasio, who dropped out of the race a couple months ago. - ..., more than herring, cod, or even mackerel, Dolphins like field goals. - ..., and the winner for 1st Prize in "America's Funniest Home Videos" this week is... Drumroll please... The Pittsburgh Steelers fake punt attempt! Congratulations! - ...Odell Beckham's sports hernia injury has confounded doctors, for they had no idea that potential side effects of the condition included funky hair and being awesome at handling balls. - ..., if something flies by you so fast you couldn't make out what it was, it was probably Tyreek Hill. - ...Jerry Jones has gone from, "How 'bout them Cowboys?!?" to saying, "How 'bout that (bleepin') (bleep) (bleepity) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)?!?" - ...

I just received the following comment on episode 21 of my podcast ( I Feel Snitty ), entitled, "A Donald Trump Thanksgiving": - "Ha! I love Trump's comments on Christopher Columbus and Jeffrey Dahmer!" Curious now, aren't you? You can check out the episode here: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/a-donald-trump-thanksgiving/

Podcast: "I Feel Snitty" Episode 21: "A Donald Trump Thanksgiving" Premiere Date: 12/4/19 Length: 8:11 (1,194 words) Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/a-donald-trump-thanksgiving/ Transcript: Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 21, entitled, “A Donald Trump Thanksgiving.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki. Well, as last week millions of people across the country traveled to eat so much food they went from slacks to sweatpants; drink so much they woke up thinking they were in the film Fight Club; and watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving for the umpteenth time, I thought I’d perform a monologue, where I play Donald Trump, and provide the world with my vision of how a typical Donald Trump Thanksgiving would go. As I said at the outset, I call this monologue, “A Donald Trump Thanksgiving.” “Where’s the turkey? I made that turkey. Where is it? Oh, this is it? The thing I’m cutting? Okay then. I was getting worried there. I make the best Boston Market turke...