Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 24: “'Irregardless’ of What Doug Collins Wants to Believe, Donald Trump Has Been Impeached”
Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"
Episode 24: “'Irregardless’ of What Doug Collins Wants to Believe, Donald Trump Has Been Impeached”
Premiere Date: 12/21/19
Length: 15:40 (2,424 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/irregardless-of-what-doug-collins-wants-to-believe-donald-trump-has-been-impeached/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 24, entitled, “’Irregardless’ of What Doug Collins Wants to Believe, Donald Trump Has Been Impeached.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
Well, that’s it. We did it. This past week, Donald J. Trump became just the third president in US history to get impeached. Who knows where this goes from here. Senate Majority Leader and turtle scrotum stunt-double - Mitch McConnell - has basically said there won’t be any witnesses during the trial. That’s pretty rich coming from a leader of the party who’s been complaining about an unfair process more than Rush Limbaugh complains about drug prices. Also, if you listened to the House debates at all, the GOP has tended to compare these proceedings to a criminal trial, as they always go back to the talking point, “No actual crimes were committed,” leaving out the fact impeachable offenses and crimes aren’t interchangeable. Well, if they wanted to be consistent, if this were a criminal trial, they’d essentially be saying, “Yeah, there was enough evidence present to charge the president with a crime, but instead of allowing the prosecution a chance to prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt, we’re going to remove their right to call witnesses; call on a jury who’s already slanted in favor of the defendant; and have a vote before the trial even gets started.” This has resulted in House Speaker Nancy Pelosi withholding the two articles of impeachment from the Senate until she and the before-mentioned turtle scrotum stunt-double can reach a compromise on how the Senate trial will be conducted. Ironically, McConnell has suggested Pelosi is only withholding said documents because she’s afraid. This sounds like classic projection to me. I mean, what reason could there possibly be for McConnell to prohibit witnesses from taking the stand other than fear? I can’t think of any, but I digress. Moving on, I’d now like to share with you my condensed, satirical take on the impeachment debate. …and action.
Madam Speaker DeGette: “The gentleman from Georgia, Doug Collins, has the floor.”
Collins: “Thank you madam speaker, and may I say you’re doing a fine job today. You’re looking mighty good. Perhaps after this event here today, you and I could… Nevermind. We’ll talk about it later, as I cover your body with… No, no, we’ll talk about it later. So where was I? Oh, yes, I find it funny Democrats have been saying they have all the facts and we’re just complaining about process over here. Well, let me tell them something’ - there are four facts which will never change. Number 1: As Trump held a figurative gun to Zelensky’s head, neither one said there was any pressure. Number 2: When Trump asked for the favor in exchange for military aid in the transcript, he wasn’t asking for a favor in exchange for anything. Number 3: Even though Ukraine knew of the aid being withheld by early August, they never actually knew about it being withheld. …and Number 4: Besides many millions of dollars, all of the military aid has been received by Ukraine. I rest my case.”
DeGette: “The gentleman from California, Adam Schiff, has the floor.”
Schiff: “I’d like to reserve my time.”
DeGette: “Mr. Collins, we’ll go back to you.”
Collins: “Thanks, Madam Speaker. I’d now like to call up the gentlewoman from Arizona, my dear friend and #5 on the side, Debbie Lesko.”
Lesko: “I thought I was #3. Anyway, I was in an abusive marriage. Donald Trump is a bully. He’s cheated on all of his wives, sexually harassed or assaulted probably hundreds of women. He treats us like a piece of meat, only worse. This is why I support Donald Trump and will vote no on impeachment. He’s the victim!”
DeGette: “Mr. Schiff…”
Schiff: “I still reserve my time.”
DeGette: “Mr. Collins…”
Collins: “I’d like to call the gentleman from Louisiana, my drunken Bible school buddy - Clay Higgins.”
Higgins: “The Bible says, ‘Thou shalt not prevent an unborn fetus from voting in a land which has yet to be discovered, heaven on earth - the United States of America.”
DeGette: “Okay… Mr. Schiff?”
Schiff: “Still reserving…”
DeGette: “Mr. Collins…”
Collins: “I’d like to call on my missionary buddy from the great state of Utah - Chris Stewart.”
Stewart: “What’s this impeachment really about? Democrats just can’t handle the fact Donald Trump won the 2016 election. They’re trying to undo the election by taking away 63 million people’s votes. It’s like this. If you hire somebody for a job and somewhere down the line, they kill somebody, they should not get fired from that job! Do the work from prison, I don’t care, but to actually take away a person’s job for simply killing another human being is just wrong! That takes away the vote of the persons who hired him in the first place! Unconstitutional!”
DeGette: “Representative Schiff…”
Schiff: “Still not talking…”
DeGette: “Very well. Representative Collins…”
Collins: “Thank you, madam. I’d now like to call on the drummer from my nursing home band, Rockin’ Diseases, Steve Chabot of Ohio.”
Chabot: “Both Nancy Pelosi and Jerry Nadler said they wouldn’t support impeachment unless it was a bipartisan vote. Well, it’s not bipartisan. It’s uno-partisan and they’re still going to support it? Look, I don’t care how much evidence comes forth, if you say something once, you can never change your mind. I mean, if you say the earth is flat and then walk across a world map, only to not fall off the end of the world, you can’t just say, ‘Oh, I guess it’s round.’ That’s just common sense.”
DeGette: “Rep. Schiff…”
Schiff: “Still reserving my time…”
DeGette: “Rep. Collins…”
Collins: “I’d like to call on a guy whose name says it all - the gentleman from Georgia, Barry Loudermilk.”
Loudermilk: “JESUS CHRIST! …is the son of God. You know who reminds me of him? Donald Trump. Like Trump, Jesus hung out with prostitutes, was BFFs with prisoners, told 15,000 alternative facts in a 3-year span. Not only that, but both men have sacrificed themselves for the sins of mankind. Think about it, the only humans in this world are in the United States of America and Donald Trump is leader of it, making it great again. He even walked on water once. It was in a bathtub, but President Putin sent us a tape. It was pretty miraculous.”
DeGette: “Mr. Schiff…”
Schiff: “No, not yet, madam speaker…”
DeGette: “Mr. Collins…”
Collins: “I’d like to call on my best friend in the whole wide world - the gentleman from Pennsylvania, Guy Res… Reschin, let’s just call him Guy.”
Resenchenthaler: “Thank you, ranking member whatever your name is. We’ve got the wrong guy on trial here. President Donald Trump shouldn’t be impeached. Chairman of the House, Adam Schiff should be. You remember the old rule, ‘Whoever smelt it dealt it,’ when it comes to farts? That’s Adam Schiff. Chairman Schiff is the farter. He’s the one who has been behind this investigation from the beginning. He smelt it first, which means he’s the one guilty of abuse of power, obstruction of Congress, and smelling like absolute Schiff.”
DeGette: “Representative Schiff, would you care to respond?”
Schiff: “Not yet, madam speaker…”
DeGette: “Rep. Collins, you have the floor once again…”
Collins: “Thank you. I’d like to call on the most patriotic person I know - Louie Gohmert of Texas.”
Gohmert: “I love Russia. I love Russia. I love Russia. I love Russia. Russia. Russia. Russia. Russia. I love Russia. I love Russia. I love Russia. Period.”
DeGette: “Mr. Schiff?”
Schiff: “Still reserving my time, madam speaker.”
DeGette: “Mr. Collins…”
Collins: “I’d like to call on another gentleman from Texas. What’s that, two in a row? I should just call ‘em the Texas trio. Representative Randy Weber…”
Weber: “I’m going to share with you a poem I wrote about Democrats, where I take the ‘d’ in Democrats and describe them with words that begin with that same letter - ‘d.’ Democrats are dumb. Democrats are stupid. Democrats are the ‘r-word.’ Democrats are douches. Democrats are, uh, did I already say stupid? Well, whatever, they’re stupid. Democrats don’t like America. Democrats drive really slow. Democrats are annoying. Democrats are stupid.”
DeGette: “Thanks for that. Chairman Schiff, care to respond?”
Schiff: “Still reserving my time.”
DeGette: “Ranking Member Collins…”
Collins: “I’d like to call on my extremely straight experimental buddy from college - Brad Wenstrup of Ohio.”
Wenstrup: “What are we even doing here? No witness said Trump committed a crime or an impeachable offense. None. I was listening to my walkman at the time and had a mask over my eyes, and you know what I heard? Nothing! The defense rests, your honor.”
DeGette: “I’m not the judge. Mr. Schiff?”
Schiff: “Reserving my time.”
DeGette: “Mr. Collins…”
Collins: “I’d like to call my brother from another father - Tim Walberg of Michigan.”
Walberg: “Donald Trump is innocent. Period. Exclamation point. Seven exclamation points. …and it’s not fair for us to even be having this discussion when he’s not here to defend himself. So I’m going to do that for him and quote the president just to show the world how innocent he really is. ‘And I moved on her very heavily in fact. I took her out furniture shopping. She wanted to get some furniture. I said I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture. I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn’t get there, and she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big, phony tits and everything. She totally changed her look. … I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful - I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.’ Now, if that’s not completely innocent, I don’t know what is!”
DeGette: “Representative Schiff…”
Schiff: “Not yet, madam speaker”
DeGette: “Rep. Collins…”
Collins: “I’d like to call on my favorite member of the famous family - Kevin Brady of Texas.”
Brady: “Democrats are communists. They are Marxist socialist commies who are in love with Joseph McCarthy. Think about that! I’m done here.”
DeGette: “Chairman Schiff…”
Schiff: “Still reserving…”
DeGette: “Ranking Member Collins…”
Collins: “I’d like to call on my genius friend from New York, Lee Zeldin.”
Zeldin: “Man landing on the moon was a hoax. Nobody shot JFK. The 9/11 attacks actually happened on Friday the 13th. Obama was born on Planet Xenu. I once saw a woman give birth to a 170 lb. baby named Bernie. Oh, and Donald Trump is innocent.”
DeGette: “Mr. Schiff…”
Schiff: “Still reserving…”
DeGette: “Mr. Collins…”
Collins: “This man really needs no introduction. Moo.”
Nunes: “Sham. Witch-hunt. Hoax. That’s what these three years have been. Besides ten counts of obstruction noted in the Mueller report, no cases of obstruction were found. …and it’s gone on from there. Impeachable offenses have been reported, and proven, but not if you say these words three times in a row: Sham. Witch-hunt. Hoax. Sham. Witch-hunt. Hoax. Sham. Witch-hunt. Hoax.”
DeGette: “Mr. Schiff…”
Schiff: “Getting close, but not quite yet, madam speaker.”
DeGette: “Representative Collins…”
Collins: “I’d like to call on a woman I’d never shoot in the face - Liz Cheney of Wyoming.”
Cheney: “Let’s place partisan politics to the side for a second. Let’s think about the republic. Donald Trump has essentially destroyed this republic, so logic would dictate that he’s the only one who can fix it. Because of that, I will vote no to impeachment. Remember, if a person dies, the only one who can bring them back to life is the person that killed them.”
DeGette: “Representative Schiff…”
Schiff: “Still reserving my time.”
DeGette: “Rep. Collins…”
Collins: “I’d like to call on the most alpha male guy this side of Donald Trump, Steve Scalise of Louisiana.”
Scalise: “See this here paper? This is the country, and this is what Democrats are doing to it. In case you missed it, I tore it. Boom.”
DeGette: “Chairman Schiff?”
Schiff: “Not just yet…”
DeGette: “Mr. Collins…”
Collins: “I’d now like to call on the one, the only Kevin McCarthy from the stupid state of California.”
McCarthy: “Let’s take a step back, think about what we’re doing here, and think about the future of this great nation. If we impeach this president for doing something as little as destroying our democracy, does that not set the bar rather low for future impeachments? What will we impeach for next time? Ending the world? I mean, this is ridiculous. Also, remember, the people are watching, and if the president who earned 63 million votes - 3 million less than his main opponent - if he gets impeached, there will be hell to pay for your party in 2020. Count on it. We really have two choices today. If you want to uphold and protect the Constitution, for the USA to remain the United States of America, then vote to impeach. If you want us to go a different route, though, if you want to turn the USA into North Korea, vote no on impeachment. I want to be North Korea, so I’m voting no.”
DeGette: “Representative Schiff…”
Schiff: “This will be the last instance of time reservation.”
DeGette: “Ranking Member Collins…”
Collins: “Irregardless of what the Democrats say, this is an affront to rigged elections! I could care less who their nominee is in 2020, and Donald Trump could care even lesser. He cared so lesser, he bribed a foreign leader to dig up dirt on a possible opponent. Supposably that’s bad, but it’s not. You know who’s bad? You’re bad! You’re bad! You’re bad! You’re bad! You’re all bad! I can’t believe this getting caught crap! Where’s my box of tissues at?”
DeGette: “Chairman Schiff, you now have the floor.”
Schiff: “Thank you, madam speaker. Quoting the great Vinny Gambini from the award-winning film My Cousin Vinny, ‘Everything those guys just said is bullshit.”
That’s it for today’s episode. I likely won’t be able to air another one until after the New Year. So if that’s the case, I’d like to wish you all a fun, safe, hydrated, and filling holiday season. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
Episode 24: “'Irregardless’ of What Doug Collins Wants to Believe, Donald Trump Has Been Impeached”
Premiere Date: 12/21/19
Length: 15:40 (2,424 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/irregardless-of-what-doug-collins-wants-to-believe-donald-trump-has-been-impeached/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 24, entitled, “’Irregardless’ of What Doug Collins Wants to Believe, Donald Trump Has Been Impeached.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
Well, that’s it. We did it. This past week, Donald J. Trump became just the third president in US history to get impeached. Who knows where this goes from here. Senate Majority Leader and turtle scrotum stunt-double - Mitch McConnell - has basically said there won’t be any witnesses during the trial. That’s pretty rich coming from a leader of the party who’s been complaining about an unfair process more than Rush Limbaugh complains about drug prices. Also, if you listened to the House debates at all, the GOP has tended to compare these proceedings to a criminal trial, as they always go back to the talking point, “No actual crimes were committed,” leaving out the fact impeachable offenses and crimes aren’t interchangeable. Well, if they wanted to be consistent, if this were a criminal trial, they’d essentially be saying, “Yeah, there was enough evidence present to charge the president with a crime, but instead of allowing the prosecution a chance to prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt, we’re going to remove their right to call witnesses; call on a jury who’s already slanted in favor of the defendant; and have a vote before the trial even gets started.” This has resulted in House Speaker Nancy Pelosi withholding the two articles of impeachment from the Senate until she and the before-mentioned turtle scrotum stunt-double can reach a compromise on how the Senate trial will be conducted. Ironically, McConnell has suggested Pelosi is only withholding said documents because she’s afraid. This sounds like classic projection to me. I mean, what reason could there possibly be for McConnell to prohibit witnesses from taking the stand other than fear? I can’t think of any, but I digress. Moving on, I’d now like to share with you my condensed, satirical take on the impeachment debate. …and action.
Madam Speaker DeGette: “The gentleman from Georgia, Doug Collins, has the floor.”
Collins: “Thank you madam speaker, and may I say you’re doing a fine job today. You’re looking mighty good. Perhaps after this event here today, you and I could… Nevermind. We’ll talk about it later, as I cover your body with… No, no, we’ll talk about it later. So where was I? Oh, yes, I find it funny Democrats have been saying they have all the facts and we’re just complaining about process over here. Well, let me tell them something’ - there are four facts which will never change. Number 1: As Trump held a figurative gun to Zelensky’s head, neither one said there was any pressure. Number 2: When Trump asked for the favor in exchange for military aid in the transcript, he wasn’t asking for a favor in exchange for anything. Number 3: Even though Ukraine knew of the aid being withheld by early August, they never actually knew about it being withheld. …and Number 4: Besides many millions of dollars, all of the military aid has been received by Ukraine. I rest my case.”
DeGette: “The gentleman from California, Adam Schiff, has the floor.”
Schiff: “I’d like to reserve my time.”
DeGette: “Mr. Collins, we’ll go back to you.”
Collins: “Thanks, Madam Speaker. I’d now like to call up the gentlewoman from Arizona, my dear friend and #5 on the side, Debbie Lesko.”
Lesko: “I thought I was #3. Anyway, I was in an abusive marriage. Donald Trump is a bully. He’s cheated on all of his wives, sexually harassed or assaulted probably hundreds of women. He treats us like a piece of meat, only worse. This is why I support Donald Trump and will vote no on impeachment. He’s the victim!”
DeGette: “Mr. Schiff…”
Schiff: “I still reserve my time.”
DeGette: “Mr. Collins…”
Collins: “I’d like to call the gentleman from Louisiana, my drunken Bible school buddy - Clay Higgins.”
Higgins: “The Bible says, ‘Thou shalt not prevent an unborn fetus from voting in a land which has yet to be discovered, heaven on earth - the United States of America.”
DeGette: “Okay… Mr. Schiff?”
Schiff: “Still reserving…”
DeGette: “Mr. Collins…”
Collins: “I’d like to call on my missionary buddy from the great state of Utah - Chris Stewart.”
Stewart: “What’s this impeachment really about? Democrats just can’t handle the fact Donald Trump won the 2016 election. They’re trying to undo the election by taking away 63 million people’s votes. It’s like this. If you hire somebody for a job and somewhere down the line, they kill somebody, they should not get fired from that job! Do the work from prison, I don’t care, but to actually take away a person’s job for simply killing another human being is just wrong! That takes away the vote of the persons who hired him in the first place! Unconstitutional!”
DeGette: “Representative Schiff…”
Schiff: “Still not talking…”
DeGette: “Very well. Representative Collins…”
Collins: “Thank you, madam. I’d now like to call on the drummer from my nursing home band, Rockin’ Diseases, Steve Chabot of Ohio.”
Chabot: “Both Nancy Pelosi and Jerry Nadler said they wouldn’t support impeachment unless it was a bipartisan vote. Well, it’s not bipartisan. It’s uno-partisan and they’re still going to support it? Look, I don’t care how much evidence comes forth, if you say something once, you can never change your mind. I mean, if you say the earth is flat and then walk across a world map, only to not fall off the end of the world, you can’t just say, ‘Oh, I guess it’s round.’ That’s just common sense.”
DeGette: “Rep. Schiff…”
Schiff: “Still reserving my time…”
DeGette: “Rep. Collins…”
Collins: “I’d like to call on a guy whose name says it all - the gentleman from Georgia, Barry Loudermilk.”
Loudermilk: “JESUS CHRIST! …is the son of God. You know who reminds me of him? Donald Trump. Like Trump, Jesus hung out with prostitutes, was BFFs with prisoners, told 15,000 alternative facts in a 3-year span. Not only that, but both men have sacrificed themselves for the sins of mankind. Think about it, the only humans in this world are in the United States of America and Donald Trump is leader of it, making it great again. He even walked on water once. It was in a bathtub, but President Putin sent us a tape. It was pretty miraculous.”
DeGette: “Mr. Schiff…”
Schiff: “No, not yet, madam speaker…”
DeGette: “Mr. Collins…”
Collins: “I’d like to call on my best friend in the whole wide world - the gentleman from Pennsylvania, Guy Res… Reschin, let’s just call him Guy.”
Resenchenthaler: “Thank you, ranking member whatever your name is. We’ve got the wrong guy on trial here. President Donald Trump shouldn’t be impeached. Chairman of the House, Adam Schiff should be. You remember the old rule, ‘Whoever smelt it dealt it,’ when it comes to farts? That’s Adam Schiff. Chairman Schiff is the farter. He’s the one who has been behind this investigation from the beginning. He smelt it first, which means he’s the one guilty of abuse of power, obstruction of Congress, and smelling like absolute Schiff.”
DeGette: “Representative Schiff, would you care to respond?”
Schiff: “Not yet, madam speaker…”
DeGette: “Rep. Collins, you have the floor once again…”
Collins: “Thank you. I’d like to call on the most patriotic person I know - Louie Gohmert of Texas.”
Gohmert: “I love Russia. I love Russia. I love Russia. I love Russia. Russia. Russia. Russia. Russia. I love Russia. I love Russia. I love Russia. Period.”
DeGette: “Mr. Schiff?”
Schiff: “Still reserving my time, madam speaker.”
DeGette: “Mr. Collins…”
Collins: “I’d like to call on another gentleman from Texas. What’s that, two in a row? I should just call ‘em the Texas trio. Representative Randy Weber…”
Weber: “I’m going to share with you a poem I wrote about Democrats, where I take the ‘d’ in Democrats and describe them with words that begin with that same letter - ‘d.’ Democrats are dumb. Democrats are stupid. Democrats are the ‘r-word.’ Democrats are douches. Democrats are, uh, did I already say stupid? Well, whatever, they’re stupid. Democrats don’t like America. Democrats drive really slow. Democrats are annoying. Democrats are stupid.”
DeGette: “Thanks for that. Chairman Schiff, care to respond?”
Schiff: “Still reserving my time.”
DeGette: “Ranking Member Collins…”
Collins: “I’d like to call on my extremely straight experimental buddy from college - Brad Wenstrup of Ohio.”
Wenstrup: “What are we even doing here? No witness said Trump committed a crime or an impeachable offense. None. I was listening to my walkman at the time and had a mask over my eyes, and you know what I heard? Nothing! The defense rests, your honor.”
DeGette: “I’m not the judge. Mr. Schiff?”
Schiff: “Reserving my time.”
DeGette: “Mr. Collins…”
Collins: “I’d like to call my brother from another father - Tim Walberg of Michigan.”
Walberg: “Donald Trump is innocent. Period. Exclamation point. Seven exclamation points. …and it’s not fair for us to even be having this discussion when he’s not here to defend himself. So I’m going to do that for him and quote the president just to show the world how innocent he really is. ‘And I moved on her very heavily in fact. I took her out furniture shopping. She wanted to get some furniture. I said I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture. I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn’t get there, and she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big, phony tits and everything. She totally changed her look. … I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful - I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.’ Now, if that’s not completely innocent, I don’t know what is!”
DeGette: “Representative Schiff…”
Schiff: “Not yet, madam speaker”
DeGette: “Rep. Collins…”
Collins: “I’d like to call on my favorite member of the famous family - Kevin Brady of Texas.”
Brady: “Democrats are communists. They are Marxist socialist commies who are in love with Joseph McCarthy. Think about that! I’m done here.”
DeGette: “Chairman Schiff…”
Schiff: “Still reserving…”
DeGette: “Ranking Member Collins…”
Collins: “I’d like to call on my genius friend from New York, Lee Zeldin.”
Zeldin: “Man landing on the moon was a hoax. Nobody shot JFK. The 9/11 attacks actually happened on Friday the 13th. Obama was born on Planet Xenu. I once saw a woman give birth to a 170 lb. baby named Bernie. Oh, and Donald Trump is innocent.”
DeGette: “Mr. Schiff…”
Schiff: “Still reserving…”
DeGette: “Mr. Collins…”
Collins: “This man really needs no introduction. Moo.”
Nunes: “Sham. Witch-hunt. Hoax. That’s what these three years have been. Besides ten counts of obstruction noted in the Mueller report, no cases of obstruction were found. …and it’s gone on from there. Impeachable offenses have been reported, and proven, but not if you say these words three times in a row: Sham. Witch-hunt. Hoax. Sham. Witch-hunt. Hoax. Sham. Witch-hunt. Hoax.”
DeGette: “Mr. Schiff…”
Schiff: “Getting close, but not quite yet, madam speaker.”
DeGette: “Representative Collins…”
Collins: “I’d like to call on a woman I’d never shoot in the face - Liz Cheney of Wyoming.”
Cheney: “Let’s place partisan politics to the side for a second. Let’s think about the republic. Donald Trump has essentially destroyed this republic, so logic would dictate that he’s the only one who can fix it. Because of that, I will vote no to impeachment. Remember, if a person dies, the only one who can bring them back to life is the person that killed them.”
DeGette: “Representative Schiff…”
Schiff: “Still reserving my time.”
DeGette: “Rep. Collins…”
Collins: “I’d like to call on the most alpha male guy this side of Donald Trump, Steve Scalise of Louisiana.”
Scalise: “See this here paper? This is the country, and this is what Democrats are doing to it. In case you missed it, I tore it. Boom.”
DeGette: “Chairman Schiff?”
Schiff: “Not just yet…”
DeGette: “Mr. Collins…”
Collins: “I’d now like to call on the one, the only Kevin McCarthy from the stupid state of California.”
McCarthy: “Let’s take a step back, think about what we’re doing here, and think about the future of this great nation. If we impeach this president for doing something as little as destroying our democracy, does that not set the bar rather low for future impeachments? What will we impeach for next time? Ending the world? I mean, this is ridiculous. Also, remember, the people are watching, and if the president who earned 63 million votes - 3 million less than his main opponent - if he gets impeached, there will be hell to pay for your party in 2020. Count on it. We really have two choices today. If you want to uphold and protect the Constitution, for the USA to remain the United States of America, then vote to impeach. If you want us to go a different route, though, if you want to turn the USA into North Korea, vote no on impeachment. I want to be North Korea, so I’m voting no.”
DeGette: “Representative Schiff…”
Schiff: “This will be the last instance of time reservation.”
DeGette: “Ranking Member Collins…”
Collins: “Irregardless of what the Democrats say, this is an affront to rigged elections! I could care less who their nominee is in 2020, and Donald Trump could care even lesser. He cared so lesser, he bribed a foreign leader to dig up dirt on a possible opponent. Supposably that’s bad, but it’s not. You know who’s bad? You’re bad! You’re bad! You’re bad! You’re bad! You’re all bad! I can’t believe this getting caught crap! Where’s my box of tissues at?”
DeGette: “Chairman Schiff, you now have the floor.”
Schiff: “Thank you, madam speaker. Quoting the great Vinny Gambini from the award-winning film My Cousin Vinny, ‘Everything those guys just said is bullshit.”
That’s it for today’s episode. I likely won’t be able to air another one until after the New Year. So if that’s the case, I’d like to wish you all a fun, safe, hydrated, and filling holiday season. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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