Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"
Episode 21: "A Donald Trump Thanksgiving"
Premiere Date: 12/4/19
Length: 8:11 (1,194 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/a-donald-trump-thanksgiving/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 21, entitled, “A Donald Trump Thanksgiving.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
Well, as last week millions of people across the country traveled to eat so much food they went from slacks to sweatpants; drink so much they woke up thinking they were in the film Fight Club; and watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving for the umpteenth time, I thought I’d perform a monologue, where I play Donald Trump, and provide the world with my vision of how a typical Donald Trump Thanksgiving would go. As I said at the outset, I call this monologue, “A Donald Trump Thanksgiving.”
“Where’s the turkey? I made that turkey. Where is it? Oh, this is it? The thing I’m cutting? Okay then. I was getting worried there. I make the best Boston Market turkey, believe me! I won’t give my secret recipe away, but I’ll give everyone a clue: Stand in line with someone else’s money, and yeah. That’s really the main ingredient. You’re welcome.
Okay, so I’m gonna say grace now. Dear Lord Jesus person, thank you for Russia; this great Boston Market turkey I made myself, all by myself. Thanks for its nice smooth legs, double-D breasts - all real, mind you, all real, folks. Where was I? Oh, yeah, so grace. Let’s eat. I get the turkey pussy!
So how’s the food? Isn’t it the best? Only took me five minutes! Can you believe that shit? True story! Oh, yeah, there are kids around. I meant, can you think that shit? Or…Yeah, can you believe that shit? That’s right, isn’t it? Yeah, it’s right. Anyway, speaking of stories, I think I should tell you all the traditional Thanksgiving story. What do you say? Oh, after the game? Detroit and Chicago? Well then, who cares? One’s a shithole country and the other is Chicago, which isn’t much better. Okay, so turn this game off. Vice President Pence, tell your wife, mother, to turn it off. Good. Everyone gather round. Kids, pay close attention. Kellyanne, put down that clown suit and get over here!
Once upon a time, there was a pilgrim named Christopher Columbus. He sailed to the United States on the ships by the names of The Nino, The Penis, and the Sexy Maria. He sailed all these boats at once. First person to ever sail three boats at once. Don’t know how he did it. I don’t know. Nobody does. The rumor is that he just had really long arms. Like, I mean, you think my hands are big? They’re nothing compared to the arms of Christopher Columbus.
So Columbus and his ships were moving along - do dee do dee do, and when looking for the United States, he accidentally stumbled upon the country of Indiana. He was drunk and, when he saw the first Indiana Indian, he said to him, ‘Who sheer?,’ like he was asking a question, you know? That’s how the movie Hoosiers got started - a drunk Columbus asking the first Indiana Indian, ‘Who sheer?’ When the Indiana Indian showed he didn’t know what Columbus was talking about, Columbus threw a few full cans of Yuengling at him, which killed him. Before I go any further, remember this, kids - Yuengling doesn’t kill people; drunken patriotic pilgrims with Yuengling kill people. Okay, so back to the story. After killing the guy, Columbus realized he was hungry, so he called his good friend, Jeffrey Dahmer on his iPhone 69, and said, ‘Hey, I got a Indiana Indian here. Got any seasoning and sporks? I could really go for some curry, if you have it.’ So Columbus and Dahmer made a big cannibal feast of it all and they traveled across the country, throwing beer cans and bottles at people, killing them, and then eating them.
This is where the word ‘cannabis’ comes from. It’s Indiana Indian for ‘cannibal feast.’ This is why you get the munchies when you shoot up or snort cannabis. So after Columbus and Dahmer traveled cross country, killed and ate the Indiana Indians, they gave us freedom, and every year, on this day, we give thanks to Christopher Columbus, Jeffrey Dahmer, and all of the other patriotic pilgrims for giving us this great country. Anyway, who’s hungry for dessert? Oh, you’re all full? Okay, well, let’s see what’s on the ol’ tit-tube. A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving? I don’t like this show. I mean, what would they say if it was A Charlie White Thanksgiving? Racist, right? Double-standards, folks. Double-standards, bigly. Ooh, this is more like it! The Buffalo-Dallas game. Only thing I don’t like is, I mean, it’s Thanksgiving. Shouldn’t those cheerleaders be at home cooking? Again, double-standards. Okay, this game’s over. Dallas is down eleven with ten seconds left. Yeah, the Cowboys are gonna win. Alright, again, Mike, tell your wife, mother, to turn that off.
Now it’s time for us to all say what we’re thankful for. I’ll start. I’m forever grateful for Christopher Columbus, Jeffrey Dahmer, and Vladimir Putin, for creating this fantastic country and helping make it great again. Anybody else? No? Good. Let’s grab some dessert then. I’ve got cakes that look like Columbus’s ships: The Nino, the Penis, and the Sexy Maria. Chow down, everyone. Bone appetizer.”
I’m now going to close the show with a new segment I hope to make regular. It’s called The Poll of the Week. I’ll post a random, humorous poll on my Twitter page, and then report the results and some of my favorite comments regarding the poll here.
The first such poll asked, “Once Donald Trump arrives in hell, what’ll Satan’s first words to him be?” It received 895 votes and here are the results.
1) Get the f*ck out of here! (43%)
2) I voted for you. (30%)
3) Look, my twin brother! (14%)
4) You won’t be orange soon. (13%)
Thanks to all those who voted. Here now are some comments I received regarding the poll. Remember, the question was, “Once Donald Trump arrives in hell, what’ll Satan’s first words to him be?”
- “Hello, son.”
- “You’re fired!”
- “Oh, hell no!”
- “Daddy!”
- “Ugh, it’s you!”
- “You did all that stupid shit just to end up here?”
- “I’ve got your tanning bed all warmed up.”
- “When are you going to pay me?’
- “Welcome, my brother, and well done.”
- “Oh, no! Not you!”
- “Oh, great. I’ve got competition.”
- “There goes the neighborhood.”
- “You’re going to love it here.”
- “There’s another place, a little lower…”
- “You really let me down, son.”
- “He will greet him singing: Listen to me, bro! I want nothing! I want nothing! I want no quid pro quo!”
…and my favorite response comes from Ray Yelle, who wrote, “Welcome, your orientation will be over there by the salad bar. Oh, did I mention that the only thing to eat for the rest of eternity is salad?”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
Episode 21: "A Donald Trump Thanksgiving"
Premiere Date: 12/4/19
Length: 8:11 (1,194 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/a-donald-trump-thanksgiving/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 21, entitled, “A Donald Trump Thanksgiving.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
Well, as last week millions of people across the country traveled to eat so much food they went from slacks to sweatpants; drink so much they woke up thinking they were in the film Fight Club; and watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving for the umpteenth time, I thought I’d perform a monologue, where I play Donald Trump, and provide the world with my vision of how a typical Donald Trump Thanksgiving would go. As I said at the outset, I call this monologue, “A Donald Trump Thanksgiving.”
“Where’s the turkey? I made that turkey. Where is it? Oh, this is it? The thing I’m cutting? Okay then. I was getting worried there. I make the best Boston Market turkey, believe me! I won’t give my secret recipe away, but I’ll give everyone a clue: Stand in line with someone else’s money, and yeah. That’s really the main ingredient. You’re welcome.
Okay, so I’m gonna say grace now. Dear Lord Jesus person, thank you for Russia; this great Boston Market turkey I made myself, all by myself. Thanks for its nice smooth legs, double-D breasts - all real, mind you, all real, folks. Where was I? Oh, yeah, so grace. Let’s eat. I get the turkey pussy!
So how’s the food? Isn’t it the best? Only took me five minutes! Can you believe that shit? True story! Oh, yeah, there are kids around. I meant, can you think that shit? Or…Yeah, can you believe that shit? That’s right, isn’t it? Yeah, it’s right. Anyway, speaking of stories, I think I should tell you all the traditional Thanksgiving story. What do you say? Oh, after the game? Detroit and Chicago? Well then, who cares? One’s a shithole country and the other is Chicago, which isn’t much better. Okay, so turn this game off. Vice President Pence, tell your wife, mother, to turn it off. Good. Everyone gather round. Kids, pay close attention. Kellyanne, put down that clown suit and get over here!
Once upon a time, there was a pilgrim named Christopher Columbus. He sailed to the United States on the ships by the names of The Nino, The Penis, and the Sexy Maria. He sailed all these boats at once. First person to ever sail three boats at once. Don’t know how he did it. I don’t know. Nobody does. The rumor is that he just had really long arms. Like, I mean, you think my hands are big? They’re nothing compared to the arms of Christopher Columbus.
So Columbus and his ships were moving along - do dee do dee do, and when looking for the United States, he accidentally stumbled upon the country of Indiana. He was drunk and, when he saw the first Indiana Indian, he said to him, ‘Who sheer?,’ like he was asking a question, you know? That’s how the movie Hoosiers got started - a drunk Columbus asking the first Indiana Indian, ‘Who sheer?’ When the Indiana Indian showed he didn’t know what Columbus was talking about, Columbus threw a few full cans of Yuengling at him, which killed him. Before I go any further, remember this, kids - Yuengling doesn’t kill people; drunken patriotic pilgrims with Yuengling kill people. Okay, so back to the story. After killing the guy, Columbus realized he was hungry, so he called his good friend, Jeffrey Dahmer on his iPhone 69, and said, ‘Hey, I got a Indiana Indian here. Got any seasoning and sporks? I could really go for some curry, if you have it.’ So Columbus and Dahmer made a big cannibal feast of it all and they traveled across the country, throwing beer cans and bottles at people, killing them, and then eating them.
This is where the word ‘cannabis’ comes from. It’s Indiana Indian for ‘cannibal feast.’ This is why you get the munchies when you shoot up or snort cannabis. So after Columbus and Dahmer traveled cross country, killed and ate the Indiana Indians, they gave us freedom, and every year, on this day, we give thanks to Christopher Columbus, Jeffrey Dahmer, and all of the other patriotic pilgrims for giving us this great country. Anyway, who’s hungry for dessert? Oh, you’re all full? Okay, well, let’s see what’s on the ol’ tit-tube. A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving? I don’t like this show. I mean, what would they say if it was A Charlie White Thanksgiving? Racist, right? Double-standards, folks. Double-standards, bigly. Ooh, this is more like it! The Buffalo-Dallas game. Only thing I don’t like is, I mean, it’s Thanksgiving. Shouldn’t those cheerleaders be at home cooking? Again, double-standards. Okay, this game’s over. Dallas is down eleven with ten seconds left. Yeah, the Cowboys are gonna win. Alright, again, Mike, tell your wife, mother, to turn that off.
Now it’s time for us to all say what we’re thankful for. I’ll start. I’m forever grateful for Christopher Columbus, Jeffrey Dahmer, and Vladimir Putin, for creating this fantastic country and helping make it great again. Anybody else? No? Good. Let’s grab some dessert then. I’ve got cakes that look like Columbus’s ships: The Nino, the Penis, and the Sexy Maria. Chow down, everyone. Bone appetizer.”
I’m now going to close the show with a new segment I hope to make regular. It’s called The Poll of the Week. I’ll post a random, humorous poll on my Twitter page, and then report the results and some of my favorite comments regarding the poll here.
The first such poll asked, “Once Donald Trump arrives in hell, what’ll Satan’s first words to him be?” It received 895 votes and here are the results.
1) Get the f*ck out of here! (43%)
2) I voted for you. (30%)
3) Look, my twin brother! (14%)
4) You won’t be orange soon. (13%)
Thanks to all those who voted. Here now are some comments I received regarding the poll. Remember, the question was, “Once Donald Trump arrives in hell, what’ll Satan’s first words to him be?”
- “Hello, son.”
- “You’re fired!”
- “Oh, hell no!”
- “Daddy!”
- “Ugh, it’s you!”
- “You did all that stupid shit just to end up here?”
- “I’ve got your tanning bed all warmed up.”
- “When are you going to pay me?’
- “Welcome, my brother, and well done.”
- “Oh, no! Not you!”
- “Oh, great. I’ve got competition.”
- “There goes the neighborhood.”
- “You’re going to love it here.”
- “There’s another place, a little lower…”
- “You really let me down, son.”
- “He will greet him singing: Listen to me, bro! I want nothing! I want nothing! I want no quid pro quo!”
…and my favorite response comes from Ray Yelle, who wrote, “Welcome, your orientation will be over there by the salad bar. Oh, did I mention that the only thing to eat for the rest of eternity is salad?”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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